Insane Hockey Newsletter

Welcome to the 16th Issue!

As always, the Insane Hockey Newsletter is Brought to you by:

Hypercat, official mascot of the First Church of Shatnerology, put on your toupee, supplicant and beam over there now. We'll be here on your browser's back button. Go there. Now. I said now.

Or if that religion is not good enough for you (but dammit, it should be) you might try the Temple of the Puck.

And now, the NEWS

First off, I suppose we have to talk about The Hockey News' top 50 players of all time.  They are, in order:

1. Wayne Gretzky 2. Bobby Orr 3. Gordie Howe 4. Mario Lemieux 5. Maurice  Richard 6. Doug Harvey 7. Jean Beliveau 8. Bobby Hull 9. Terry Sawchuk 10.  Eddie Shore 11. Guy Lafleur 12. Mark Messier 13. Jacques Plante 14. Ray Bourque 15. Howie Morenz 16. Glenn Hall 17. Stan Mikita 18. Phil Esposito 19. Denis Potvin 20. Mike Bossy 21. Ted Lindsay 22. Red Kelly 23. Bobby Clarke 24. Larry Robinson 25. Ken Dryden 26. Frank Mahovlich 27. Milt Schmidt 28. Paul Coffey 29. Henri Richard 30. Bryan Trottier 31. Dickie Moore 32. Newsy Lalonde 33. Syl Apps 34. Bill Durnan 35. Patrick Roy 36. Charlie Conacher 37. Jaromir Jagr 38. Marcel Dionne 39. Joe Malone 40. Chris Chelios 41. Dit Clapper 42. Bernie Geoffrion 43. Tim Horton 44. Bill Cook 45. Johnny Bucyk 46. George Hainsworth 47. Gilbert Perreault 48. Max Bentley 49. Brad Park 50. Jari Kurri

First off, all of these players are good players.  No slouches here. However, left off of this list is the number five goal scorer of all time: Mike Gartner.  He should be on this list, as opposed to Jaromir Jagr.  Jagr may be one of the Top 50 all time before he retires, but let's not enshrine him in the Hall of Fame until we have a full career to look at.  Other names that should have been included are:  Brian Leetch, Rod Langway, Borje Salming, Boris Mikhailov, and perhaps Vladislav Tretiak.  Of course, that would mean excuding some of the others above.  

Also in the news is the recent big trade in the NHL.  Yes Bobby Dollas, IHN whipping-boy and Original Mighty Duck has been traded to Edmonton.  Why, you ask?  We suspect it was the fact that he had to wear the Mickey Mouse costume during warmups.

Finally, congratulations to Dale Hunter.  He now has 1,000 points in his career.  An awesome accomplishment, to be sure.  Of course, Gary Bettman was not in attendance when it happenned, and neither was Pierre Turgeon.  We wonder if he still looks over his shoulder for Dale when he walks into his hotel room.  

The IHN is also, as you are no doubt aware, a purveyor of wisdom, enlightenment, and inspiration.  In that vein, we have added a new section to our pages that will present the Inspired Testimonials and Sermons of the Puck Priestesses.  They will share with you, the reader, their insights and wisdom.  Read and learn.  This too, will work for you.

The editors received new fan mail.  Although the writer seems to think we can do something to further the career of a 15 year old Russian Bantam Player.  Go figure.  We have also won some  new awards, so have a look at the Awards page.  And if you act now, you might even win our award:

If you have any news, please, please write to us.  Also if you feel the undying urge to send money, please do so.  Click on this picture to make your contribution:

Featured Player Profile

Name:   Ray Bourque

Alleged Job: Defenseman, Boston Bruins

Real Job:  Health Inspector, Bob's Boston Beanery

Likes: Salt Pork, tomato based bean sauce

Dislikes: The IHN, canned baked beans

Quote: >>Censored as this is a family Newsletter<<

Favorite Movie: Blazing Saddles

Favorite Book: Julia Child's Legumes

Favorite Musician: Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute

Favorite Dessert:  Cinnamon-Apple Baked Beans

Favorite Drink: Sam Adams

How he wants to be remembered: The All Star Game winning goal in 1996.

Rumors and Innuendo

Kids today, you would think by now that they could be cynical by age 18?  But no, they want this trash...

Issue 1:  The collective bargaining agreement.  Apparently without much fanfare, the agreement was extended for a few more years.  What the players didn't see, of course, was the tiny clause inserted on a microdot that allows team owners to hold "hat nights" where the players will wear fedoras, fezzes, and the like instead of helmets.  It could get ugly when the Rangers visit Anaheim later this year on "Sombrero Night".

Also, it has been reported that the Edmonton Oilers are going to hire performers for in the stands during the games.  This is intended to increase revenue as they have hired Mariachis who will only leave fans alone if they are paid to do so.  Another arena to avoid, I suspect.

Trade rumors abound coming out of the disappointed Windy City.  The Blackhawks troubles are not getting any better, and they need to do something.  It says here Eric Daze moves to the Eastern Conference (Buffalo?) for a rugged defenseman to pair with Chelios.

Also a trade rumor is coming out of Calgary.  Theo Fleury had best get his bags packed, as he is headed to Boston.  Jim Carey and an assortment of warm bodies will be heading west.

Finally, a sad note.  Socks, the White House cat has been supplanted as First Pet by President Bubba's dog.  The animals don't seem to like one another.  The rumor is that the President wants to trade the cat to the Jacksonville Lizard Kings of the ECHL for a 20 pound bag of dog chow.  As to what the Lizard Kings might do with Socks is unclear, but the rumor is that their mascot is hungry...

Be good to the IHN, otherwise the other IHN kitty will get you:      >^.v.^<     Note, she is angry and hungry....