The X-Files Movie
Fight This, Chris!

OB: Fight the Future, Labeadqua Style


Labeadqua: Those wankers at Blockbuster. They only had pan and scan!

Bead: Yeah, so? We were gonna get pan-and-scan anyhoo.

Labeadqua: No we weren't. We wanted the season 6 preview.

Anyway....Glug and Ug

Labeadqua: Look, boys and girls, at home, Glug and Ug have a den full of junior Glugs and Ugs, who will carry the paranoid genes of Glug and Ug, first truth seekers of the human race.

Bead: Yeah, these guys are Mulder and Scully's direct ancestors. Especially Mulder. "Hey, look, it's an unknown alien creature that looks dangerous. Let's poke it with a stick!"

Labeadqua: 37 thousand years later, and they still can't turn on a flippin' light switch.

(Stevie falls down)

Bead: He go boom.

Labeadqua: No, kids, in answer to your question, Stevie will not be okay.

Bead: Rednecks. Bet their daddy has a big ol' Cadillac on wooden blocks in the front yard.

Labeadqua: Where did the oil come from? How does it get under Stevie's skin?

Bead: Shh! The last person who asked these questions was found hung up in a toilet stall, flushed a few times.

Labeadqua: Is it just me, or does that look like an ugly LA suburb?

Bead: It's just you, Southern Californians don't holler, "What about mah meyun!"

(Bronschweig arrives)

Labeadqua: Hey, didn't I see this movie? Wasn't it called Outbreak? Didn't that version have a monkey?!

Bead: Stevie's pretty bleeped up, right here.

Labeadqua: Black helicopters! Redneck fireman guy has to know about them! And what about the monkey?

Bead: (looking at Head Fireman) He reminds me of Dale on King of the Hill. Except less cool.

Labeadqua: Look, it's Terry O'Quinn of TV's Millenium!

Bead: Look, he's got super-good vision! He just noticed Mulder and Scully hanging at the wrong building.

Labeadqua: Shh, it's time! (Gillian Anderson appears)

Bead: Look it's TBO. And she's hot and pissed off.

Labeadqua: She just said that.

Bead: God, I pity her in that jacket, in Texas weather.

(Schoolchildren whisper FBI)

(Mulder in soda-land)
Labeadqua: Mulder go boom?

Bead: He can't even get money back from the machine. What a flippin' dork.

Labeadqua: Mulder go boom?

Bead: No. He couldn't try to tongue Scully then.

Labeadqua: He didn't even do a good job with trying to do that. Blow him up!

(BigDaddy Badass!Scully-- AKA, "JUST PICK UP THE PHONE..." scene)
Bead: God, I'd marry her.

Labeadqua: But you're straight.

Bead: Don't care. I'd do anything to be that cool, even by association.

(Scene: The First Disciplinary Hearing)
Labeadqua: Dude, that woman [Jana Cassidy] is a bitch.

Bead: Yeah, but she's right. Mulder's punk ass needs to buy a watch.

Labeadqua: Ooh, Skinner/Mulder UST---

Bead: They make him [Skinner] much too uptight-- you don't see what's going on here, do you Mulder?

Labeadqua: Me neither! Um, they found the bomb, yes? Um, without Mulder and Scully, like, fifty gazillion school children and everyone except the five people who weren't supposed to be in there, they'd be DEAD? So, um, aren't they HEROES?

Bead: No. This is X-Files. Nothing makes sense.

Labeadqua: How can Scully wear heels that big?

Bead: They're sending her to Salt Lake. Don't they have enough Mormon agents in the FBI so that they wouldn't need to send someone else?

(Line from Mulder: you're quitting!)
Labeadqua: I woulda been gone four years ago-- and girl, dammit, you ain't his girlfriend, you ain't his momma, why do you take care of his punk ass?

Bead: She loves him. Love conquers all. Except bee stings.


(Scene: Mulder in the bar)
Labeadqua: He's pissed.

Bead: But he's adorably pissed.

Labeadqua: Oh, God, listen to him! Is he trying to be David Boreneaz with the angsty boy nonsense already? Ahh, why did Angel have to come back from hell?

Bead: Shh, Mulder has the psychic action going on. He knows all mysterious old men want to tell him about secret government things.

Labeadqua: Then they die.

Bead: Old friend of your father's-- damn. Why don't you just call yourself Obi-Wan already?

Labeadqua: You know what? If they blew up the building to hide the bodies, why are the bodies intact?

Bead: So they can shut down Mulder and Scully.

Labeadqua: That's god-damn stupid. Why not leave two or three patriots like Michaud, and destroy the bodies which are HARD EVIDENCE?

Bead: You're so smart, go work for 1013 already.

End of Part One

OB: More FtF with Labead

Yes, it's the much-delayed part 2 of I think 3... hey. I had business. (Go Green Wave....)

(Scene: Scully in the dark)
Labeadqua: The only woman I know who forgets water and matches in the wilderness but not her lipstick.

Bead: She knows she's gonna die sometime, she figures, die in your lipstick!


(And back in North Texas-- The Arrival of Cigarette Smoking Man)
Labeadqua: (hums the Darth Vader theme)

Bead: If you only knew the power of the dark side...

Labeadqua: Ahh, Cancerman. "Morleys-- Cigarette of Choice for X-Files's Reigning Pimp Daddy"

Bead: Real men smoke Morleys-- and do Mrs. Mulder on the side.

Labeadqua: Oh, look, we're watching Outbreak again. Where's the monkey?


(We see the new alien)
Bead: Ewww.

Labeadqua: Didn't they do this movie? Wasn't it called Alien with Sigourney Weaver?

Bead: Sigourney Weaver looks like my mom. Hey, GA/Sigourney-- that would be arse whippin' sci-fi!


(Skip the scene where Mulder and Scully get into the hospital because Pilgrim nailed that one with nary a hop on the landing)
Bead: Yip yip yip yip yip. I didn't realize so much of this movie was-- ooh, look at that lip!

Labeadqua: It's tasty. What's he saying?

Bead: Who the hell cares?


Bead: Ewww. Hey--

Labeadqua: This time she's doing an alien autopsy for real and Darin Morgan's not around to skew it?

Bead: She's way past the point of common sense, but damn she's Ms. Thang doing it. And look, is that little cadet DPO?

Labeadqua: No, you're a psycho.

  (That scene in Dallas where Scully walks up and Mulder asks: What did you find?)
Bead: Something she couldn't show to anyone else without getting unwanted attention? (Grins evilly)

Labeadqua: Oooh. Are you thinking she's got her own set of engraved invitations?

Bead: Only for Mulder, babe. And possibly Skinner.

Labeadqua: You slash-writing bitch-ho.


(That scene underground where Bronschweig dies)
Labeadqua: Oh, don't cry for me, Argentina! He deserved to die. He took off his protective gear, he tries to get to the alien, this guy is a pimple-headed dorkweed and if Lizard Aliens hadn't et him, I would have popped a cap in his ass for sheer stupidity.

Bead: Yeah, this guy deserved his fate. Loser.


(Well-Manicured Man's Lair)
Labeadqua: You can't get more British than this.

Bead: (to the tune of Tori Amos' Black-Dove(January)) He was a Well-Manicured dude-- he never let on how insane it was-- in that tiny sorta scary Syndicate-- by the woods by the woods by the woods--


(The Consortium's Space Age London Meeting Bachelor Pad)
: Hello and welcome to the latest of the Establishment. Mr. Charlie, Whitey Himself.

Bead: White supremacist capitalist patriarchy! White supremacist capitalist patriarchy!

Labeadqua: That Marxist professor is twisting your brain.

Bead: (ignoring that) They don't even *see* her [Scully]! If that isn't white supremacist capitalist patriarchy, I don't know what is.

Labeadqua: These people are so not subtle. Notice Armin Muehler-Stahl's German accent.

Bead: Well, CC wants to make sure we ALL GET IT.

Labeadqua: Except for Mulder and Scully.

Bead: Mulder, Mulder, Mulder. Haven't they picked up the fact he's just not bright?

Labeadqua: That with which he can't live without-- God, that was as subtle as a mack truck or a two by four in the face.


(Scene: Mulder and Scully noticed the brand new playground)
Bead: Dude, they did this at Tulane. And it was also a conspiracy.

Labeadqua: What were they hiding?

Bead: Massive construction. They didn't want the prospectives realizing the fact they'll be issued protective headgear at Orientation.

Labeadqua: Mulder and Scully do not look like door-to-door salespeople.

Bead: No, they look like reasonable attractive sane people who have sex like normal Americans. More than once in five years. Lesson is, appearances lie.

Labeadqua: And they drive an INTRIGUE. Real Americans driving real American vehicles.


(Line: "Five years together and how many times have I been wrong?")
Bead: Der. Um. Check, please?

Labeadqua: You know, for that little comment, Scully should get to tie him up and...

Bead: Hey, this post ain't MC!


(Chasing the tanker trucks to the Jiffy Dome)
Labeadqua: You know, this is the way it's gonna look in New Orleans once they get that new arena next to the Superdome finished.

Bead: (nodding) Nobody gets in to see the Wizard, not no way, not no how.

Labeadqua: (aping a Wicked Witch accent) Poppies-- transgenic poppies will make them sleeeeep.

Bead: Transgenic bleepity bleep bees will do the same thing.


(Inside the Jiffy Dome)
Labeadqua: You know, do these people even understand the idea of security? Or secrecy?

Bead: Hmm. Humming. Is the Jiffy Dome a giant microwave, maybe?

Labeadqua: Well, something did have to cook Mulder's brain, didn't it?

(the bees are released)
Bead: Smithers, release the hounds.

Labeadqua: One bee. One Jean Claude van damn bee.

Bead: How the one Jean Claude van Damn Bee survived the "Stella" interlude is beyond me.

Labeadqua: How we watched the movie four times in the theatres without trying to assassinate CC is beyond me.


(Mulder and Scully dodge black helicopter)

Labeadqua: How sweet that they know each other's name.

  (skip to the hallway scene)
Scully: Salt Lake City Utah.

Bead: Oh deah GOTT!

Labeadqua: The Motherland! What is she going to investigate in the Motherland?

Bead: The Church.

Labeadqua: My Gott. Mulder's in a grey tee and jeans. I couldn't think of anything else if I were her.

(the lovely dialogue)
Bead: You've made me a whole person-- (gags on own vomit)

Labeadqua: I owe you everything and you owe me nothing-- kiss her already, you god damn pansy!

Bead: Shh. I'm trying to take down this dialogue and compare it to cheezy PG MSR and figure out CC's fic identity.

Labeadqua: CC doesn't write fanfic.

Bead: Yeah he does.


(and Mulder moves in for the kill!)

Bead: Labeadqua, chill.


Bead: What's he sucking?

Labeadqua: Nothing. Loser, damn, what was he waiting for, the next ice age?

And so we will resume with Part 3, or as Labeadqua puts it: "The Part that's Not So Good Because Scully's In Cold Storage" after I get my voice back. (Go Green Wave, 5-0!)


OB: FtF III: The Part That's Not So Good Because Scully's In Cold Storage

Labeadqua says that I'm a wuss for saying Homecoming wore me out, and that it was my choice to scream obscenities with the crowd and so I should suck it up and finish the movie.

(The Now Controversial End of the Hallway Scene)
: Why doesn't she just say, yo, that bee done movieworded me up.

Bead: Well, that won't be helpful to 911. There's Mulder-- 'My partner's down. She says a bee sting movieworded her up.'

Labeadqua: Well, what she *should* list among her symptoms is this-- "arousal fading due to your slow ass lean in, you damn fine-looking pansy." Krycek would have been at second base heading for third if he'd been in Mulder's place.

Bead: I miss him. He should have been in this movie, not Fat Italian Man. He could have answered the Batphone.


(The ambulance arrives)
Labeadqua: Another head injury for Mulder. Oy vey. You think that there's anything left in there?

Bead: He's not stupid.

Labeadqua: Oh, nooo, of course he's not stupid. Look at him lying in the street. I bet one of the fake paramedics stole his wallet, too.


(Scully gets loaded onto the plane)
Bead: Look at Cancerman! He thinks he's the man! He thinks he's all that and a side of fries!

Labeadqua: Well, he should shut up, because did he not spawn the Spud?

Bead: Yeah, he did. But look at him, all Mr. Dude. I have your girlfriend, Mulder, neener neener neener.

Labeadqua: (fake deep voice)Bow down to me, I am Cancerman, bad knock-off of Darth Vader.


(Enter the Gunmen.)
Bead: Toto? Hey. Do you wonder if you turned the sound off on this movie and listened to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon there would be parallels?

Labeadqua: . . .

Bead: I wonder if anyone has done the Skinner/Byers slash for this scene.

Labeadqua: You're so sick.

Bead: Maybe it was a mass orgy brought on by stripping Byers naked.

Labeadqua: You've been hanging around with that Te woman too damn much.


(WMM and his not-so-Well-Manicured-Tale)
Bead: You knew Kurtzweil was dead from first glance.

Labeadqua: Why do creepy old men have a jones for Mulder?

Bead: Why can we find the homoerotic reference in anything?

Labeadqua: Too much time with Simmons?

Bead: WMM is so cool. I mean, he's just cool.

Labeadqua: Of course, he's talking double-talk schmack, but we'll forgive him.

Bead: Dude, I want to know if the clones, the bounty hunters, the bees, the corn, the ginseng, the aliens, if they have this union, and all their little bits just are "the Project" like a union or something. "Extraterrestrial Local #1013", you know?

Labeadqua: The British rule. Look at Mulder. Lemme out lemme out, and all WMM has to do is-- "DRIVAH" and they pull into the nice alley.


(the driver is shot)
Bead: Oh, bleep. I just shot Marvin in the face!

Labeadqua: The role of WMM is now being played by Samuel L. Jackson while John Neville hides just for a few minutes.

Bead: You know what they called a dead WMM in Paris?

Labeadqua: Royale with Cheese?

Bead: Le Crispy Critteur.

Labead: Why? Because they have the metric system?

Bead: Check out the big brain on Labeadqua!


(Scene: Mulder in Antartica in his out-of-gas Sno-Cat)
Labeadqua: George Lucas should so sue Chris Carter for ripping off the Empire Strikes Back.

Bead: Now, now. That base in the snow bears no resemblance to the Rebel base.

Labeadqua: And those Sno-Cats don't resemble AT-AT's to you?

Bead: You're trying too hard to find parallels. Next you'll be saying Luke is Mulder, and Darth Vader is CSM and...

Labeadqua: That's just absurd.


(Mulder falls down the hole)
Bead: Mulder in Wonderland.

Labeadqua: Look at the aliens in the humans! Didn't they do this movie? Wasn't it called Aliens?

Bead: Shh. He's gonna drop his gun and lie later. I can just hear him. But sir! The Borg-- err-- the lizard aliens chased me and I had to lose the gun!

Labeadqua: Speaking of the ship's interior here, if I ever pick up an alien craft, remind me to also purchase a cleaning staff.

Bead: Yeah, we'll hire Jani-King and get a perky activities chair so that the drones have fun activities to deal with while the aliens grow inside their bodies.

  (Mulder finds Scully in a big green goo tube)
Labeadqua: Eww.

Bead: This could never happen to Mulder. The aliens would make a mistake and intubate his gigantic nose.

Labeadqua: Gawd, he's so smart. Break the glass right next to her face. Use independent wealth to pay for plastic surgery later.

Bead: I wonder if there's any heroin in that vaccine.

Labeadqua: No. Just Alien-B-Gone.


(Scully comes to)
Bead: I can breathe, and I can also spit up goo on you!

Labeadqua: Cold indeed. 'Yes, Mulder, I'm awfully bleeping cold! And I'm covered in goo.'

Bead: Well, at least Mulder won't have that oil-wrestling fantasy any more....

Labeadqua: Mulder expected to die. Why else would he not bring a small backpack of supplies?

Bead: . . .

Labeadqua: That's what I thought.

  (The chase and escape)
Bead: (as Mulder) Scully, you're coughing up your lungs, you look like hell, but you better be in peak physical condition because I, Mulder, can't get us out of here on my lonesome.

Labeadqua: Run away, run away!

Bead: Remember, Mulder's just suffered a head injury. He's probably not had any sleep. And he's Mulder.

Labeadqua: Oh, God. How did they escape?

Bead: Don't ask me. I don't even know how they got back to America. Because I don't think the aliens or the Consortium take Visa or American Express.

Labeadqua: Awww. She saw it, and now they're doing cuddlebunnies!

Bead: Awwww. While Mulder blessedly loses consciousness before his inevitable death to freezing, Scully gets to endure her slow death completely awake. Isn't CC sentimental?


(Back in the Hearing Room)
: Dude, Scully's gonna bitch-slap this Cassidy woman.

Bead: She has the steely-eyed gaze o' death going.

Labeadqua: (miming Scully) With all due respect, I don't think that there's a unit in the FBI capable of investigating the evidence at hand. Ye-eeow.

Bead: Ho. You have been dismissed, Ms. Cassidy. Sit yo' ass down.

Labeadqua: Look at the look Skinner gave when Scully strode out?

Bead: He appreciates a good strong woman.

Labeadqua: Yeah, but she doesn't appreciate him, thank god.

Bead: Mooshy-girl.

  (Moose and Squirrel into the sunset)
Labeadqua: Aww. See, she so loves him.

Bead: Go be a doctor while you still can. God, he's Mr. Cop-Out!

Labeadqua: I was so hoping for "Let's quit and use my independent wealth to hide out in the Caribbean from now on. We'll make sure our Cabana O Love is bee-proof. You can wear an emerald green bikini and sarong, and I'll wear a black Speedo."

Bead: THUD.

  (In the desert-- you know, "Foum Tatouine?")
Labeadqua: See, Lucas read this script and made Carter put this in.

Bead: Yeah he did.

Labeadqua: Oooh, so we're back to square one. Mulder and Scully chase stuff and never get anywhere. Why don't they just have sex?

Bead: Because this is FOX, not HBO.

Labeadqua: Touche. Where's the monkey?

Curtain. Straitjacket. Advil.

Go back to the Shack!