Back to the Shack
But he was still a good friend of mine.
[McDonald's Turns McDeadly-- News at 11]
Bead: Bets on this guy's occupation?
Austin: The disgruntled postal worker or the Clint Eastwood lookalike?
Elf: No, he's NOT a loser! He knows how to use a firearm. Thus making him a man.
Bead: Yes, true proof of American manhood, talent with a big gun.
[Yay! It's Season 3 Scully!]
Elf: Gaw, I *love* her hair.
Bead: Me, too. It's most excellent.
Austin: Um, ladies?
Bead: You know, Season 3 Scully and Season 7 Crusher were the reasons why I dyed my hair red.
Elf: What? We're missing God-talk from Post Boy. Who cares? And that is EXCELLENT hair! She's uber-babely.
[Ma Mulder and CSM have a rendez-vous in Rhode Island]
Bead: Kick-ass! I miss her cultured black heart. She's one of the good ones.
Elf: Bead, she's evil, a terrible mother, and probably part of the Consortium. Icy cold, too.
Bead: Isn't this where Family Guy is set, by the way?
Elf: And isn't CSM darling reminiscing on how he put the mack on Mrs. Mulder?
Austin: Oooh, damn! "I've repressed it all." Ice-cold.
Bead: Now that was a brutal curb-kicking if I've ever seen one. Go, girl!
Elf: Ow, what a set-back to Rico. Suave.
[Mulder's Mom in the Hospital]
Bead: Why can't you ever be Mrs. Scully?
Elf: Bead! A pox on your filthy tongue for saying that!
Bead: Aww. He's angsting. Cute angst. Like a puppy.
Austin: I'm witnessing angst.
Elf: And I'm witnessing an ad for Angel. Do we really have to watch that?
[Mommy's Hauled Away to a Good Hospital]
Bead: [Mulder-Voice] I love you. You complete me.
Austin: [Scully-Voice] But she hates you. And she's a bitch.
Elf: [Mulder-Voice] Oh, that's right. Let me play a rendition of Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead for my mother, why don't I?
Bead: Witness Mulder's reaching here. Palm could be a secret word. Mm-mm.
Elf: Damn his magical intuition. Of course he's right.
Bead: He's *always* right.
[Social Security Hell]
Austin: Echh. Creepy and hive-like.
Bead: Very Nineteen Eighty-Four. Or Gattaca.
Elf: Gattaca? That was such a bad movie.
Bead: Hey, it's still better than The Postman.
Austin: Heyy! Smoking Man! Our old amicus!
Bead: He's looking so dapper while doing the right-wing terrorist patriot overlord thing today.
Elf: While Jeremiah is sporting Hannibal Lecter chic. Ooh la la.
[Mulder finds X snooping]
Bead: X! All right!
Elf: He's the man, the man with--
Austin: The wrinklies?
Bead: You know, Mulder is looking wicked angsty macho. Very slurpable.
Elf: Yeah, that Mulder could almost be in Fight Club.
Austin: Brad Pitt and David Duchovny in the same movie? That's bad mojo, baby. Not even Ed Norton could save that.
[Jeremiah Smith-- or a reasonable facsimile-- meets Scully]
Elf: Oh, look. Mr. Smith goes to Washington.
Austin: I think Jimmy Stewart just rolled over in his grave.
Bead: Wicked bad faux Jeremiah. I don't remember you all. I remember Robby the Robot-- and that terrible remake with Fowley.
Elf: May I again mention Season 3 Scully tastiness?
Bead: You may.
Elf: She rocks!
[Mulder trashes the Summer Pad]
Austin: Did these people never think of subletting?
Bead: They're rich. What can I say?
Elf: But Carter says they're not, not really.
Bead: Well. Carter lies.
Austin: Wow! Look at Mulder devastate the joint like he was Johnny Depp!
Bead: Or Kevin Spacey in American Beauty.
Elf: DUDE! It's a plam! A plam in the lamp. A lamp with a plam, Sam I am.
Austin: Err, Mulder, keep that away from your nose.
[Mr. Smith and CSM doing their best Anthony Hopkins/Jodie Foster impersonation]
Austin: Oh no! If Jeremiah doesn't revert to his gelatinous state soon, he'll perish.
Elf: Wrong show, Austin.
Bead: Oh, GAWD. Mytharc babble. Cryptic yappery.
Elf: CSM gives us happiness? Like Willie Wonka?
Austin: He mixes it with love and then the world tastes good.
Bead: I could go there, but I choose not to.
Elf: Ooh. Jeremiah is haunting CSM like the voices at the end of Scarlet Street. Kicking.
Austin: Oh, watch CSM freak like Jodie in Silence of the Lambs. Awesome.
[Mulder wants the Smoking Man smoked out, Skinner! Please?]
Bead: Um, how many times have I seen THIS EXACT SCENE?
Elf: About six thousand times.
Austin: At least once a season. You'd think he'd get the point.
Bead: And is Mulder just forgoing the shaving here?
Elf: It gives him plus tasty points. Go with it.
[Ma Mulder gets worse. She couldn't very well get better, could she? What
would be the point?]
Austin: Of course.
Bead: Can we say plot point, boys and girls?
Elf: AHHH! Ahhh! This is a plot so Duchovny can make the scrunchy face! Oh
Austin: Yeeeeessss! Violence! American violence and Cancerman!
Elf: That rules!
Bead: Is Cancerman going to explain to Fox that Mommy's a scarlet woman?
Elf: How massively cool. Guns, angst, and CSM proving the interior
wimpiness of Mulder.
Austin: To quote Mr. Stone Cold: "Can I get a hell yeah?"
[X and Mulder in the parking garage. Mano e mano.]
Bead: Poor Mulder. He's a testosterone wimp.
Elf: Especially next to X and Rico. He's downright girly.
Austin: But to his credit, he did just try to get real information there.
Bead: And is now getting his ass kicked.
Elf: Kicked like he were Phillip Marlowe in a Raymond Chandler novel.
[Scully hears-- a knock. Not a who.]
Bead: Oh, you're Jeremiah Smith, eh?
Elf: See, Scully knows all their informants are quadruple agents and at
least tries to protect herself.
Austin: Good for her.
Bead: Let's not forget that she's also babely.
Elf: Mulder, too.
Bead: Oh, yes.
[The Season 3 Finale Uber-Ditch]
Austin: No, that's in Herrenvolk.
Bead: But this is the set-up for it. Grr.
Elf: Complete with MMBH.
Austin: Do you think they're going to try to duel with those plams?
Bead: Well, we'll find out next week. Same X-Time. Same X-Channel.
Note: as this review will no doubt reveal, watching Biogenesis proved
exceedingly difficult for me. However, I perservered.
[The opening voiceover with that "And I say to myself, it's a wonderful
world" picture of earth hovering.]
Bead: Dude, why are we watching this? I should be watching Vanity Fair on
Austin: You did not just say that, Bead.
Elf: Bead, it's a Scully voiceover. Scully. Remember her?
Bead: But it's a British costume drama! And I always felt some sort of
psychic connection with Becky Sharp!
Austin: Oh, sweet God.
Elf: What? Does this mean we're in for some Bead trouble?'
Austin: It's a cycle, much like that extinction cycle thing. I think she's
broken from the lack of new eps.
Elf: Or it could just be this voiceover.
Bead: (whimpery) A&E... Thackeray... adventures for the mind...
[African Shores and Funky Artikifacts]
Austin: Gee, exotic factor and things being unclear. I'm sensing mytharc
off the port bow!
Elf: No, really? Didn't the profound opening voiceover tip you off?
Bead: Or the discovery of this heretofore unknown but manifestly important
new dealybob with funky lettering?
Austin: Oh no! The dealybob just speared the Bible! I think this means...
it's an EVIL artikifact!
Bead: (humming) In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room, in the tiki tiki
tiki tiki tiki room...
Elf: All the birds sing words and the flowers bloom....
Austin: (aside) Oh, dear. It's even more evil than previously thought.
[I told you NEVER trust a monkey! I've told you that several times! And
what happens? You bring them all together? In cages? You right fool...]
Elf: Jinkies, gang! Monkeys.
Austin: Yeah, monkeys. What just happened on the show here?
Bead: I don't know. I don't really care. I wanna watch A&E, DAMMIT!
Elf: Austin, I swear, if she doesn't stop with the A&E, I will react with
[Our Heroes *finally* show up, and they look *so* happy to be on this
Austin: Panspermia! Pan-pan-pan-spermia! Hey, is that like the one episode
of Next Gen where we find out all the Klingons and Cardassians and humans
and stuff are related?
Elf: Could be. The word just gives me that funny feeling in my belly...
Bead: Unlike Mulder's "science" comment. Doesn't he know theories in
science journals get proved wrong every day?
Elf: Oh, I didn't hear that. I was too busy hearing that "hired gun" thing
Bead: No comment.
[Mulder sees the rubbing. Mulder hears funny voices. The voices tell him
to cut his hair. Bad voices. Very bad.]
Austin: Um, girls? Not to deprecate on Chris Carter's deeply original
Elf: (after finishing laughing) But what?
Bead: Does anyone else notice the similarities to that Buffy episode where
Buffy gets psychic and stuff? Except for the fact that episode was good?
Austin: Could be, though I was thinking more along the lines of 12
Elf: Not to ruin your interesting conversation by discussing the episode,
but how could a rubbing make Mulder go psychotic boy?
Bead: Actually, that's a well-documented phenomenon concerning saints.
Just possessing a relic of the saint, or a copy of their tract, was said
to protect a person or create miracles.
Austin: Wicked arcane, Bead.
Elf: Mmm-hmm. Joss Whedon should so challenge Chris Carter to a Celebrity
Deathmatch. This is like, Earshot on the bad drugs.
[Chuck... like, we knew him and stuff.... is back. Hopefully this doesn't
mean he has to die in the season premiere. Anyway, he's dissecting why the
voices are talking to Mulder.]
Bead: Gee, the rubbing triggers stuff, and only in Mulder. I bet Carter
thinks this is hellaciously original or something.
Austin: He's the ONE! Mulder is the ONE!
Elf: Thank you, drive through. I love how they're trying to submit all
this pseudo-mystical history-science stuff.
Bead: I love it. It makes me all smug because I know how hagiography is
submerged and recycled in dominant culture and stuff.
[The Sandoz Residence-- Come for the Artikifact, Stay for the Dead Body!]
Austin: Yeah, the cops were never going to find a fetid, stinking corpse
in the garbage disposal.
Elf: Sure, fine, whatever.
[Mulder is deteriorating rapidly. Maybe Giles should put him to bed and
then he and Scully can comiserate and Scully can do a stint as Giles'
Bead: Mulder really needs to get his skinny butt in bed.
Austin: With Scully.
Elf: Can we all forget this episode and go to bed?
Bead: No. We are going to watch Vanity Fair tonight if it KILLS me.
Elf: I'm going to KILL you! You have the clicker right there, Bead! You
Austin: You two, we just missed more "being psychic is pain" subtext that
was par with Buffy's chick pain.
Bead: You're right, we missed man pain. But ohhhhhhohohoho. We did NOT
miss Krycek in the stairwell. Oh, hell yeah.
Elf: Bead, you're *SO* easily distracted. Ever considering seeking
Bead: Hey, darling, if a man ever gives me THAT sort of look directly in
real life, I better hope I get "distracted," okay?
[Dying Navajos and strange Cinematography]
Austin: Doesn't Carter's blatant Eurocentric Judeo-Christian patriarchal
bias ever get old for him? Especially when it makes him look stupid like
Elf: So he doesn't want to go all Xena and find enlightenment elsewhere.
Cut Carter a break. (whispers) He's not that bright, you know! It works
[Mulder in the lab]
Bead: Much like Mulder in that there outfit. I'll accept it.
Austin: Come on, monkeys! Be Mojo, not Jojo!
Elf: Remind me that I never want to be psychic. First Doyle, now Mulder.
It's all pain, madness, and dissonance.
Bead: Yeah, plus that great Madeleine Stowe line in 12 Monkeys about
impotence and foreknowledge.
[Scully's On the Chase. We do so love that, don't we?]
Elf: I so love how no one believes in hospital protocol on X-Files.
Austin: Except for the fact I never want to get sick in the Carterverse.
Bead: Ooh, back to the much more interesting stairwell scene.
Elf: Don't you love the fact they edit out Krycek getting there with
Austin: It was inevitable. Besides, Krycek was a little busy for that
Bead: Alex? Too busy for MULDER?
[More Western-Based Hagiographical Nonsense that is supposed to Explain It
All. Much like Clarissa, but with bigger words and special effects.]
Elf: I really love how the artikifact does the spinny thing.
Austin: It's just like Dr. Evil's chair.
Bead: Speaking of evil, LOOK who's on the phone! It's El Evil One, complete with the aging badly makeup.
Elf: Dude, Mulder and Scully so need not to fight at this point. Can we
Austin: Well, this ep also needs not to be so tedious.
Bead: Some things just aren't meant to be.
Austin: WAAAAAH! What the hell was that? I'm BLIND! I'm BLIND!
Elf: We so did not need to see prelude to Diana getting some.
[Mulder goes absolutely barking mad. Given that he was "treated" by the
Foul One, we're lucky he didn't gnaw off anything worse than his own
Bead: Um, Skinner? You're like, totally wigging. Might I suggest having
"conspirator" tattooed on your forehead? It's much quicker.
Austin: But is this a wiggins of warning or a wiggins of conscience or a
wiggins because he's a bad actor?
Elf: This whole Mulder in the padded cell thing is so 12 Monkeys.
Bead: So will Mulder pull a James Cole and disappear from the cell
sometime? Is he really a futuristic soldier trying to prevent the
Apocalypse? As he tries to convince a skeptic physician he's not crazy, will she believe?
Austin: Much as I would like to point out the similarities between 12
Monkeys and the mytharc, Bead darling, let's watch Scully tell that skanky
ho-bag wannabe to step the hell off.
Elf: Yeah! That's right. Step off, beyatch! Get yo' skinny, conspiratorial
behind and betake yourself somewhere you wanted?
Bead: There is nothing better than Cold-Cruel!Scully giving what's what.
[More voiceovers, more mystical rituals, and more Scully talking to Sandoz
and slowly behaving more and more like Madeleine Stowe in 12 Monkeys after
she believes Bruce Willis]
Austin: See? This is why philosophical thesaurus talk is tedious.
Elf: Yes. Pretty words to show off bore people.
Bead: Are you two giving me a writing lesson instead of listening?
Austin: How could you ask us that?
Elf: We're watching with.... yawn... rapt attention.
[Scully finds the Bug in her office.]
Bead: Yeah! That's right. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. Or something.
Austin: For all the stuff Sandoz claims is on the artikifact, there aren't
Elf: Alex. Honey. Didn't you know dirtying your pretty hands with murder
is wrong? Even when you do it?
[The last scene-- beaches, cleavage, and a big-ass mothership]
Austin: Nice outfit.
Bead: Yeah, yeah. The kid's in the barn, 5 billion of us are going to die,
the aliens are coming and it's going to be the storm of all time.
Elf: Now we just need Mulder to die and Scully to dye her hair blonde.
Austin: Or she could just wake up in the decon shower in Antarctica, thus
negating season six permanently.
Bead: Whatever. Thank you, drive to the window.
And I'm spent.
The elves and I first admit that it was very strange, having the audience
to watch our magic. After all, I'm usually the only one who can see the
desk elves. Anyway, we're excited about 7th season and stuff, so here's
[Recap of last season]
Bead: Blah blah man pain blah blah stuff we already knew blah blah mytharc
blah blah blah blah.
Austin: Season Seven! Season Seven [off strange looks] Well, when are we
gonna get rowdy?
Elf: Yeah. Let's get ready to rumble.... and hope this doesn't suck.
[Night-- Africa-- Insects-- Scully Voiceover-- and Machete--]
Bead: I guess Scully really does write her journal to her. Either that or
she's borrowing from those Wild Animal Park commercials.
Elf: I guess she thinks she's going to die before him, so she addresses it
to him, or she's really pretentious.
Austin: Your beautiful mind? Naw, that's not at ALL pretentious.
Bead: This feels like continuity-- with Memento Mori.
Elf: And I'm sure that makes you happy.
Bead: Yeah. Wait. The rubbing is taking an undeniable hold? WHAT?
Austin: I guess his rubbing-induced illness is known as Fowley...
Elf: Hey, didn't I see this episode? Wasn't it called Darkness Falls?
Wasn't that somewhat original?
Bead: Hey! This episode has a machete!
Austin: And quite a large amount of decolletage!
Elf: Yeah. DUDE! Is her bosom heaving?
Bead: Yes-- okay. The tent is crawling with bugs, so stay in and play with
Austin: Yes, this is undeniably Carter's X-Files. Let's get it ON!
[Mulder is twitching in the padded cell-- and Skinner's getting the bad
news. Apparently he doesn't have much work to do as an Assistant Director
of the FBI.]
Bead: Hey, he likes his little cell.
Elf: It's peaceful. And they give him kibble and a bowl of water.
Austin: I'm guessing the orderlies weed-wacked the 'do...
[Skinner walks into the Cage of Man Pain]
Bead: (Skinner) Agent Mulder, it's your big strong Wally-bear!
Elf: Don't you know me? Don't you love me?
[Mulder attacks Skinner]
Bead: Guess not.
Austin: (Skinner) Don't make me hurt you, big boy! I'm a Marine!
Bead: (Mulder) Help me-- I've broke apart my insides-- help me-- for sex I
[Back on the Ivory Coast with this new Doctor Woman. We like her. She's
Elf: Oh, look. FOX wouldn't be trying to fill its diversity requirement
THIS way? Eenie meenie chili beanie, we're exotic! See?
Austin: Hello, and we don't know a word of what they're saying, thank you
Bead: Yes, doctor, I was working by LAMPLIGHT.
Elf: As opposed to firelight or electric light or the light of the silvery
Austin: Um, girls? Nature IS Vengeful! Haven't you been WATCHING X-Files?
["The water-- it boils--"]
Bead: And her breasts-- they bounce! Can I get a HOOBOY?
[Georgetown Hospital, where Skinner is trying to redeem his sorry ass.]
Elf: Is Mulder pitching a tent AGAIN? This is worse than toilet humor!
Austin: I'm here, Mulder. Mulder, what's wrong?
Bead: It's Timmy-- Timmy's where, Mulder? In the well?
[Slimy voiceovers and Dr. Barnes shows up]
Bead: Dude, why do we get foreign language and no subtitles?
Austin: And where's the slime coming from?
Elf: That machete is hella Freudian. She should thrust it into his body
until it twitches--
Bead: The driver?
Austin: No. Evil Commander Dick!
Elf: Yes, this fellow looks so very stable, Scully. You should trust him
like you were Mulder with an informant.
Bead: Out there? There's something out there?
Austin: The truth. Oh, and that Apocalypse thingie.
["It's a sea of blood"]
Bead: No! It's a sea of red paint!
Elf: I thought that was Kool-Aid!
Bead: It's a sea of MAN PAIN!
[Skinner and Kritschgau-- two great tastes that look bald together]
Austin: Wow, it's a hairless wonderland.
Bead: Hey, someone finally realized doing Fox Mulder a favor is BAD! Good
Elf: Dude, I'm spacing. Man pain yappery.
Bead: I KNOW. Can we get on with the good stuff now?
Austin: Yap yap drugs yap yap mistakes yap yap psychic....
Elf: Bored now. Can we play with the Scully?
[Fowley bursts in like she's all 10 of the plagues of Egypt. Bitch.]
Bead: Wow. Is she going to get all green and veiny like the Hulk?
Elf: That's like a pissed off stalker chick, right there.
Austin: Yeah, step to Skinner, Fowley. He's your BOSS!
Bead: Oh, she could just have her boy Cancerman wipe his ass with Skinner.
Elf: Hmmm. Gee, Mulder, you can read her mind? You're only psychic.
Austin: Yes, it's a scary place. It likes ABBA.
[Yet another Scully Voiceover. Can these stop now?]
Austin: Is she communicating significance?
Bead: Huh? I guess....
Elf: Except the mytharc has no significance.
Austin: Science and mysticism conjoined-- like Chang and Eng?
Bead: And our secret-- that I am carrying your love child, Mulder....
["It is the word of God"]
Elf: Did we miss something?
Bead: Umm--- we just got distracted. Did anyone ever tell you that the
cure to the common cold is alcohol?
Elf: I'll keep that in mind.
Austin: Um, Scully? You're in a tent. It's hard to be trapped in a TENT!
Elf: Cuz you can't just lift it up and run away and stuff.
[Mulder is psychic. See us care.]
Bead: Dah dah dah. Dah dah dah.
Elf: You're not looking hard enough, Kritschgau? Um, that just pervs
itself, doesn't it?
Bead: Hence the dah and the dahing.
[Evil Commander Dick and the excellent Science Chicks]
Austin: Whoah! How much bosom can one woman heave!
Bead: To say nothing of heaving that chair!
Elf: Ohhhhh, not again!
Austin: It's Primitive African Jedi!
Bead: This is not the mytharc you're looking for...
Elf: DAMN YOU CHRIS CARTER! IN FACT, FUCK YOU, CHRIS CARTER! YOU
GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!
Bead: That's a low way out, if he so chooses. The Jedi mind trick? Dude,
Austin: Yeah. But hey, didn't I see this movie, too? Wasn't it called
Thelma and Louise?
[How far would Mulder go?]
Elf: All the way!
Austin: Stick him, by God. Stick him hard and deep!
Bead: GOD! I hate Fowley! She's such a bitch! And SOOOOOOO badly written!
Elf: Not to mention that Skinner's a freaking puss.
Austin: Did you two just see where Fowley's head was?
Bead: Oh, my GOD. Oh, MAN!
[Fowley confesses her love. We go find barf bags and pitchforks]
Elf: I am so pre-emptively protesting. DIE SKANK DIE!
Bead: Mulder, I'm a skeezer.
Austin: Mulder, I did your dad.
["I love you"]
Elf: ARRRGH! Why doesn't Carter realize love is not stalking?
Austin: And gee, isn't her love great. I want you as my drooling trophy
sex toy, Mulder.
[Scully busts into the FBI. She's taking no prisoners.]
Elf: Damn, she's too sexy for her shirt. She ought to take it off.
Austin: Kick Skinner's puss-boy ass! Kick it now!
Bead: I'm Dr. Bossypants! I can see him! I have magic powers.
Elf: Gee, you think the girl children are angry?
Austin: Not only that-- the man pain became man agony.
[And the wrap-up, because we got bored with reviewing and just thought it
Bead: Gee, watch Evil John Lithgow die.
Elf: A machete to his black heart. Cool.
Austin: Then Mulder's psychic and Scully loves him. Cool.
Elf: Plus she looks hot.
Bead: And, greatest of wonders-- the scene is WELL-WRITTEN!
Austin: Small words. Big meanings. Learn, Chris. Learn.
Elf: Then the ship is gone.
Bead: After the dead guy blinks.
Austin: And we are TBC.....
And after that trailer, we're SOOOOOO done!
Back to the Shack