The Elves' Bloodthirst is Unquenchable! They Must Snark! Return to the Shack!
So the elves came back from their vacation to Cabo. Austin picked up a
taste for fine Cuban cigars and the Elf got a tan. Both of them have
been rather snooty lately, so I decided we needed to review Kill Switch,
a fine fine episode by any criteria.
[Fade in on the Metro Diner and a munch of crack dealers with one sad,
bag-of-bones computer nerd]
Bead: Oh, look, it's our fate! Too much caffeine dork!
Austin: Excuse me, that's YOUR fate. You already talk to the computer,
Miss, I can type and say what I'm typing at chat.
Elf: Are you sure your fate isn't to wander the earth talking to
yourself about your own genius?
Bead: How come this is all only MY fate?
Austin: Because we're not real. Thus it's just you yapping at the
computer and getting all dissipated and stuff.
Elf: While we remain fat, sassy, and witty.
Bead: Do I have to blow my chin off and destroy you like Ed Norton does
in Fight Club?
Elf and Austin: We'll be good.
Bead: See, that was smart. Now we can watch the Metro Diner go up like
illegal fireworks on a party boat with a monkey knife-fight!
Austin: Yay! Stuff blows up!
Elf: Kickin'! You wouldn't really blow your face off, would you, Bead?
[Mulder and Scully, while impeccably dressed, discover lots of dead
crack dealers and one dead dork. Did I mention they're IMPECCABLY
Bead: I am Jack's pleasure in good CHarc.
Elf: 1013 did a disservice to mankind by firing the Vancouver costumers.
Austin: I know. Mulder doesn't look like a lounge lizard and Scully
isn't trying to be Ally McBeal. Glory amen! And this is 2:45 AM, people!
Bead: Dude, do you think she was sleeping?
Elf: What do you think she was doing? Writing smut? Oh, wait, that's
[Mulder steals Gelman's computer and hilarity ensues]
Austin: Mr. Mulder, do the laws of this country amuse you? Do you think
they're funny, like a clown?
Elf: Dude, those two little rascals must never get the deposit back on
their car. It's funny but not like a clown.
[The Lone Gunmen think they're inspired nerds when in fact they are
Bead: Dude, he was a visionary who eschewed the vile servitude of
capitalism, comrade! You da MEN, boys!
Elf: Just look at them geek! They're adorable. Like the Scooby gang or
Austin: But that vest? Excuse me, where did he BUY that? He looks like a
circa 1970s pimp trying to look hip.
Bead: Dude, what sort of crack email program is that? AOL gone to Hell
Austin: Screw that, look at Frohike checking Scully out like the dirty
old man he is!
Elf: And as the FBI condones computer hacking and the complete denial of
the bill of rights...
[We meet Invisigoth in the trendy, techno-fueled shipyard]
Bead: Dude, it's techno music. There must be cyberpunk around here
Austin: Yep, there she is. And with a TASER! Squeal like a piggy,
Mulder, that's a TASER!
Elf: And look at Scully get it twice and STILL manage to get off a
warning shot. Someone's wearing the pants in this family...
Austin: Oooh, bite me, hmmm? I bet Scully's got something you can bite.
Bead: Like her constitutional right? Pshaw.
Elf: Yeah, Honey, there is no constitution in the Carterverse.
Bead: But who cares, because stuff blew up-- AGAIN!
Elf: And Mulder is looking what we like to call hella hot.
Bead: Plus Scully looks professional and not like, a bimbo.
Austin: Screw all that. Are you ladies looking at Invisigoth? Thank you,
[Scully's pissed, Invisigoth's cool, and Mulder is a dumbass]
Bead: Excuse me for bringing up slashy UST, but was that Scully checking
out Invisigoth in her leather?
Elf: Hey, all I know is that Scully is suffering from a testosterone
overdose. Listen to these two. It's like size queenery, except with
chicks. It amuses me.
Austin: UST, jealousy-- who cares? They're both SO hot. Scully's
crackling with Bette Davis in All About Eve level bitchery and
Invisigoth's in leather.
Bead: Don't you want more than her sex?
Elf: I just want Mulder's hair like that FOREVER.
[Invisigoth inspires some heavy breathing in the Lair of the Three
Austin: Dude, check the geek horniness. This is what happens when
coolness descends into geekiness.
Bead: Hey, I think Scully wants Esther Nairn to take the cuffs off with
Elf: Bead, next you'll tell us that Scully wants Claire Kincaid from Law
and Order and that Claire faked her death to be with Scully.
Bead: What's wrong with that?
Austin: You have been warped, you do know that?
Elf: You know, Esther kind of looks like that chick who plays Tara on
Buffy. You know, Willow's new friend, the stoned one who keeps checking
Bead: Oh, but look at Frohike! He's so cute with his geeker love.
Elf: But we need a call on Scully.
Austin: Jealous and/or horny. There you go.
[One of the coolest scenes ever... Scully wakes up in the Lair and...]
Bead: Now Scullylocks wakes up in the lair of the three geeks-- the
Bearded Geek, the Long-Haired Geek, and the little Old Troll Geek...
Elf: She looks around... where's that droid I was looking for?
Austin: She looks around-- no, we've only got The Three Little Geeks
Bead: Awww, look at the girls bond over the big surrogate phallic
symbol. And Scully's Invisigoth's muchacha. Awwww.
[When it's clear Mulder's about to do something dumb with that damn
Elf: Because God knows we can't have Mulder be hot and smart. That's
Austin: Hmm, look at cheery little Esther and grouchy little Scully.
Bead: Well, I'd be cheery too if I'd mastered my true adversary.
Elf: Yeah, seriously. What worth adversary runs through the woods like a
girly man and drops his gun?
Austin: Girly man? Is this the part of the X-Files where we daunce?
Bead: Ooooo, I spy cuffed!Scully.
Elf: As a thousand pervs go oooooh.
Austin: Heh heh. You said cuffed.
[When you know Mulder's about to do something dumb part two...]
Bead: Look, the AI lives in a van down by the river!
Elf: Jeez, Mulder's dumb. His brain cells must have to huddle together
in clumps for warmth.
Austin: Because, gee, that's "artificial" intelligence, as compared to
Mulder with his all-natural American stupidity.
Bead: I got something you can mingle...
Austin: Yes, thank you. Do you ever fail to steal stupid catchphrases,
Bead: Nonverbal retort, Austin.
Elf: Look, Esther loved David so much that she started going Tammy Faye
for him. Awwww.
[Mulder in Wire-Land]
Bead: Anyone who thinks Mulder deserves his fate for being a dumbass,
raise your hand.
Elf and Austin: (raise hands)
Bead: Yet his hair deserves a sigh. Mmmm. Sigh.
[Mulder in the ambulance]
Elf: Is that Pendrell?
Austin: Dude, Mulder's dreams look like a cross between a porno and a
Vincent Price movie. Loser.
Bead: Someone's repressing a dirty subconscious. Ooh ooh oooh.
[Mulder and further adventures in Porno!Nurse Land]
Elf: Um, who else thought of Mulder losing a different right one when
Nurse Nancy said that?
Austin: Damn, that's pervy.
Bead: Hey, how come everyone except Scully calls Mulder Fox?
Elf: Because these are all Mother-Substitutes and Mulder has Mommy
[Attack of the WHPBD on the Bridge of Doom]
Austin: God, the WHPBD runs like a duck. Kirby doesn't run like a duck,
Bead: I don't know. But DUDE! Check it! Something ELSE blew up! That's
like three. Excellent.
[Nurse Nancy gets all passive-agressive on Mulder's punk ass-- God I
miss the days when I could love him AND his hair]
Elf: Man, I've only seen therapy like *that* on video. And not the
Bead: Well, the Scully ass-kicking looks straight out of John Woo. There
ain't nothing wrong with that. Ba BAM!
Austin: I think there need to be more videos with porno nurses and
ass-kicking. It would make the world a better place.
[Esther and Scully seek out the AI in the trailer down by the river]
Bead: And see, that's why we love her! Something is beeping loud? Shoot
Austin: While Mulder mewls like a little boy, Scully is making it
happen. Thank you, drive through.
Elf: Yep. Shoot first, let God sort 'em out.
Bead: Awww, look at my Scully! "No AI is gonna jack my baby into the
Austin: Scully is so totally uncognizant of the implications of AI.
"Give me that you philosophical hacker woman! I want my MAN!"
Elf: Oh, yeah. Get there!
["You don't listen, do you?" Was that at all schmoopy?]
Bead: Duh! But Esther, it's meant to be endearing.
Elf: Hey, Bead, this makes for FOUR explosions. Is that not freaking
Bead: It is indeed freaking schweet, but not as schweet as when Mulder
and Scully hit the car and have the hot makeup sex.
Austin: Bead, have I ever mentioned cutting off the cheesy-- "It is
still out there in the van down by the river" ending was genius?
Bead: No. But I'm proud of--
Austin: Well, think about that.
Bead: Do I have to get you out of my head?
Elf: Don't make empty threats.
And that's a wrap.
[Before the Episode... Green Room]
Elf: Dawg, this review is preventing my audition for Passions. It had
better be worthy, or I'm going to sue you.
Bead: First of all, you're in my head and you can't sue me. Second,
there's gonna be a bitch-off, so keep yourself in check.
Elf: Does stuff blow up?
Bead: Uh.... you bet.
Austin: How about cocktail weenies?
[Fade into the Testosterone Zone]
Austin: Are those chaps playing Lazer Tag?
Elf: I bet they're auditioning for a Sci-Fi Network Original Movie.
Austin: What? "Codpieces and Big Guns Make Me Feel Manly?"
Bead: "Motor Death Squad 2000?"
Elf: Didn't I see this movie? Wasn't it called Mad Max?
Bead & Austin: (in unison) Didn't that version have Tina Turner and Mel
Elf: Hey, do these guys have man pain?
Bead: No. They aren't evolved enough for man pain.
[Enter Matraya or whatever the hell her name is]
Austin: So when is the Teaser Guy gonna die already? I mean, he's done
everything except say "I'll be right back!"
Elf: Probably right after he chokes on his own tongue from all the lust.
Austin: Is it me, or does that girl resemble Betty Boop?
Bead: Betty Boop with unquenchable bloodthirst.
Elf: And a big giant violent phallic symbol.
Bead: Well, this episode is already driving ME to kill--
[Question: Do Mulder and Scully ever work during the days?]
Austin: No. Because they're vampires.
Bead: By the way, NDA's are BAD! I learned *that* from the Insider.
Elf: Whoah, check the Langley. He's embraced geek capitalism.
Bead: I always knew the boys were venture capitalists.
Austin: Wow, Scully sounds kind of anti-American there. Sneering on
IPO's? The girl's a red I tell you, a Red!
Bead: Are you on crack?
Bead: (smiles like Agent Cooper) How long you been addicted to Orange
Pixy Sticks, Austin?
Austin: None of your business! (looks down) Ten years.
[Tweak's Older Brother has a hissy.]
Elf: This guy is a bitch.
Bead: No. This guy's a bitches. Cuz he's too much ho to be just one
Austin: Did I just see Scully give Tweak's Older Brother the finger? I
think I did, rabbit, I think I did.
Elf: He needs to be BEATEN with a hairbrush. And what is up with that
Bead: (Chris Carter) Now, your motivation is that they want to take away
your Beemer and your IPO. Be sullen and whiny. And act like they took
Teletubbies off the air.
Elf: Okay, that bitches needs to take a double dose of settle the
nonmovieword down before I shove a boot up his...
["It's a chick!" "Can't Be!"]
Austin: Langley's right, you know. No woman with a brain would inhabit
this spiritual hellhole.
Bead: This is true. But that's not a woman, that's a Gratuitous Ho.
Elf: You know at first, when she said Goddess, I thought she was Wiccan.
I was SURE she'd die.
Austin: Yeah, because no one says Blessed Be on TV and lives. Or do we
forget Jenny Calendar?
[It's Darryl Musashi! And his two brothers, Larry and Darryl!]
Bead: I so bet that he got his start hustling Dungeons and Dragons.
Elf: God, Mulder is so clearly one step above drooling geek it's sad.
Austin: Now the word Scully is looking for, folks, is "fanboy" as in
"Fuck you, fanboy!" as used by the hysterical (if somewhat
hypocritical) Brody in Mallrats.
Elf: Speaking of Mallrats, Scully has just ascended to Shannen Doherty
levels of bitchdom-- it's justified, but dude.
Bead: Whoah. Did you just compare Scully's snarky attitude to that of
Shannen "Brenda from 90210" Doherty?
Elf: A spade is a spade, B.
Bead: You're going to OBSSE Hell, Elf.
Elf: But I don't wanna go to the Shipper Lounge!
Austin: By the way, to sum up Darryl Musashi-- he fights with honor, but
he still dies, proving that even badass fanboys are still vulnerable to
big-chested chicks with magic swords.
Elf: Meanwhile, Tweak's Older Brother continues his quest to defeat
Amaya from the Real World as Biggest Bitch Ever Shown on TV.
Bead: She takes off his hands. But unlike Monty Python and the Holy
Grail, it's more than just a scratch.
Austin: My GOD, she's magnificently out of sorts.
Elf: Well, she's justified. And she's grouchy--
Bead: Does she drive a mighty van?
Elf: God, Mulder's SUCH a fanboy!
Austin: And Scully just doesn't get it. I bet she was never a Trekkie.
Bead: You know what's truly scary? I found this conversation funny the
first time I heard it. In Mallrats.
Elf: What the hell are you *talking* about, you psycho?
Bead: It's so clearly the Sega Conversation between Brody and Renee when
she breaks up with him. The spiel about the Whale, crying in the
bathroom... and you know Mulder never did formally introduce Scully to
Austin: You know you just turned Mulder and Scully's conversation about
the psychic impact of violent video games into trite popculture crap.
Bead: I did that?
[Okay, what the HELL is this? An episode of Ally McBeal? Where are Fish
and the Biscuit? Or the rest of the Billy-girls?]
Bead: God, where's the part where they turn into cartoon wolves and
Elf: Poor Scully. *I* have the urge to go postal at this point and I'm a
foul-mouthed desk elf.
Austin: You know Bead, I--
Bead: Even before you say it, shut up. Just shut up. And go to the
Elf: People, she's a stripper. She markets her body for sex. Ain't you
never seen a stripper before?
Bead: Meow, Scully! Well--
Elf: Oh, my GOTT. CC ripped off Basic Instinct! God, this show--
Bead: I weep for the future.
Elf: What's sad is that she had more UST with Scully than Mulder.
Austin: Can I talk now?
Bead: Mention the Gratuitous Ho and you'll be fed to my cat.
[Mulder decides to get into the game and Phoebe pouts]
Austin: Uhh, okay. I bet the crotchwatchers LOVED that codpiece.
Bead: [Mulder] I am the one. Watch me flex the Matrix. Whoah.
Elf: Poor Scully. So when's the bitch-off? There's enough snarky energy
in this episode to fill four of your dinner parties.
Austin: Why doesn't he die?
Bead: If it doesn't have human intelligence, she can't recognize it?
Elf: With Waldo.
Bead: Hey, wasn't this an episode of the Twilight Zone? Or was that the
Austin: No, this is Tron, Bead. Tron.
Bead: I could have written an episode better than this drunk.
Elf: Well, you type sixty words a minute drunk.
Bead: Shut up, Elf.
["Baby, you are dope!"]
Austin: Oh, hell. He's a dead man!
Elf: Ooh, it's the bitch-off. Yeah! Yeah! Kill him, Scully! Get medieval
on his punk ass!
Bead: God, why does that whiny little brat exist? I want to destroy her.
I want her to choke to death on her Evian.
Austin: She eats aggression? Oh, God, this is such crap.
Bead: Mulder needs to DIE! So does Tweak's Older Brother! Can I blow
this episode up?
Elf: Not until it's over, honey...
[So, to sum up--]
Bead: Scully gets her aggressive groove on and takes out a legion of
Gratuitous Hos. Mulder cowers, the nancy-boy that he is. The Gunmen
drool incessantly. There's more slaughter of Gratuitous Hos. I bar.
Tweak's Older Brother (if there is any justice) goes to Oz (the prison,
not the land). And nobody ever learns how to use a power button.
Elf: Also, 1013 creates Scully Croft. It makes ya yas happy.
Bead: Then I barf again. Because there is a Carter monologue.
Austin: And we all decided that we cannot wait for Tuesday when Faith
teaches Riley how to get some and get gone.
Bead: Now that's a psycho ho.
And that's all I have to say about that...
The Elves' Bloodthirst is Unquenchable! They Must Snark! Return to the Shack!
Return to the Shack!