OB: Celebrity Deathmatch

(Nick and Johnny spiel about nerds all around the world huddled about the television)
Labeadqua: (cannot talk. laughing too hard.)

Bead: Hey, we'll also be at the computer, dissecting this match.

Labeadqua: Is it wrong of me to want Gillian to win? To not only beat those MiB posers, but then to kick the movieword out of David?

Bead: It's very wrong. GO GILLIAN!


(cut to GA and DD on the cellphone)
Labeadqua: What, is she on the Gillian box?

Bead: No. She's stretchy like Gumby.

Labeadqua: Oh. Did I mention that she better kick all the asses?


(DD gets worked by Tommy Lee and Will Smith)
Labeadqua: Mr. Tea Leoni-- schweet. Did I mention I love this show?

Bead: Heh heh heh. Will Smith is jiggy with it.

Labeadqua: It should be wrong to love a match that plays to Gillian as the Scully character-- cold and glued to her cell phone.

Bead: Yeah, but-- Duchovny's getting his BAP ass worked.

Labeadqua: Yeah! Schweet. Ohh! He's gonna die! Kill him, Gillian!


(Gillian finally gets involved with the match)
Labeadqua: Porno nurse kick-- porno nurse kick--

Bead: Beating Tommy Lee with a flashlight ain't half bad, though.

Labeadqua: Bam! Bitch went down! Dude, David is such a pansy.

Bead: Duh.


(Will Smith appears with the big gun)
Labeadqua: That's not gonna work.

Bead: Again, duh.


(The denouement of the match-- the MiB lose and--)
Bead and Labeadqua: I SAW TONGUE!

Bead: Dude. Someone on this list works for MTV. Gotta be. Either that, or we letterbombed MTV.

Labeadqua: I vote we letterbombed MTV. The OBSSE has issues, sometimes.

Bead: That was schweet. I always knew Celine Dion was an alien.

Labeadqua: You only knew that because I told you.

Bead: No I didn't. I knew way before that.

Ad infinitum...I think I'm at about post limit, so, goodnight.

OB: Labeadqua puts the UST in TungUSTka

That's right. FX replays Tunguska tonight and yours truly and Labeadqua are watching in just... joy. I always loved this episode.

The Tunguska/Terma two-parter is an UST fest, and it's also a rather interesting look into character psychology. WHY does Mulder always beat on Krycek? WHY does Scully let Mulder get away with that abusive stuff? Why on earth does Scully go to jail for Mulder? And yeow! Nice costuming! Leather and turtlenecks and shirtless Skinner.

Anyway, some key Labeadqua moments.

Chock full o' UST:
Scully: What do you want, Krycek?
Krycek: (looking at her) Same thing you do...

Labeadqua: Oh-ho! Now, does that mean they both want Mulder or they're going to do it, a la a Rachel Lee Arlington fic? Subtext! Subtext!

Bead: I'd have to say-- both.


(Scene: Shirtless!Skinner, WhipMe!Krycek, and CaptainHotty!Mulder)
Labeadqua: Can't think.... too much abuse... too much UST....

Bead: You know, they really should call this episode sex on a stick.

Labeadqua: The three of them would make a swinging reformulation of Josie and the Pussycats, you know that?


Line Scully: I'm worried about you, about how far you'll go, and how far I can follow you....
Labeadqua: Girl, give it up! You are so damn pathetic. You know you'd follow him anywhere, you lying sack of girly romantic lurve.

Bead: Yankees just won the series.

Labeadqua: Nonmovieword!


(Scene-- Marita opens the door)
Labeadqua: Hello, and welcome to Casa Coveryourboobius....

Bead: Beeeeezzzz.

Labeadqua: Don't sleep with her, Mulder! She's a ho-bag! And she's not even blonde!

Bead: They really should just call this episode "Everyone Got Laid While You Weren't Looking" because the gaps in TungUSTka could fill a buttload of NC-17 fic. I mean, MSR is always possible, there's a Krycek/Scully, Krycek/Skinner, Mulder/Marita...dude! Mulder just sucker-punched Krycek again!

Labeadqua: Yikes... let's see... there's more... Scully/Pendrell, Mulder/Krycek...

Bead: Mulder and Krycek remind me of that Bad Religion song, "You and me have a disease, you infect me, you affect, I'm afflicted, you're addicted..."


(Scene-- JFK)
Labeadqua: Oh my God! He's gonna ditch him!

Bead: Schweet. Do you think Krycek used the nonmovieword?

Labeadqua: Schyeah.

(Mulder: You called me a bad name.)
Bead: (as Krycek) Yeah, I probably referred to the fact you're lousy in bed.

Labeadqua: Damn, this episode is fifty times better than Patient X.

Bead: Yeah, and Krycek still had two arms.

Labeadqua: But his hair was seriously wack.


(Scully: Senator Sorensen wants to see us, et al)
Labeadqua: He's gonna ask a dumb question. And the question is-- Where's Mulder?

Bead: (as Scully) Where? Mulder told me where he went? Sir, what bizarro Jerry Seinfeld alt-universe do you inhabit?


(Scene: Skinner and Scully with Sorensen)
Labeadqua: Obstruction of justice? Don't you have to sleep with an intern to get charged with that?

Bead: What does Skinner know about the dead guy from his balcony? Except that Krycek probably killed him?

Labeadqua: Dumb question number two: Where's Mulder?

Bead: Come on, you dumb old men! When does he tell her when he takes off for the ends of the earth?


(Scene: Mulder and Krycek in prison)
Labeadqua: Dude, I have a question.

Bead: Is it Scullycentric?

Labeadqua: No.

Bead: Is it about power in a certain prison luv relationship?

Labeadqua: Maybe.

Bead: Then it's off topic.

Labeadqua: Waaah. But I really want to know!


(Scene: Mulder under chicken wire)
Labeadqua: This scene is not scary. Wanna know why?

Bead: I already know. God damn, that's a big nose!

Labeadqua: Duchovny probably saw this scene and wept.

Bead: Eww. His nose is so non-tasty at this point.

Labeadqua: The scariness of this scene is a non-issue. I just figure, well, I bet he could use that thing like a hoover, woosh, inhale, suck up a quarter or something.

Bead: And so we fade to black...

OB: Isn't it Terma-tic? Don't you think?

Labeadqua says that even though some of the sisterhood has been very naughty today, that we've relented and we're doing that slashing of Terma now.

(Teaser with Auntie Janet and the Black Goo)
Labeadqua: And the burning social issue antennae go up!

Bead: Tonight's special guest star: Jack Kevorkian.

Labeadqua: Okay, I have a question. The black oil is smart, yes?

Bead: That's debatable, but yeah, I guess it's smart enough to deal with the Consortium, that's intelligence-- sorta.

Labeadqua: If it's smart enough to know its host is dead, why isn't it smart enough to go for Niecy Social Conscience instead of crusting up on Auntie Janet's face like really large pieces of mucus?

Bead: Don't pester it, it's had a bad day. One minute, it's livin' the life, gumming tapioca and Jell-O, the next minute, bam, it's in a dead old lady.


(Mulder in Prison Part 8 is the scene)
Bead: Y'ever wonder why Russki geologist boy was so nice to Mulder?

Labeadqua: Mulder has a nice ass?

Bead: Possible but not likely (Geologist guy gives Mulder self-made knife). Hey! It's a shiv! I'm totally remembering that scene from "So I Married An Axe Murderer"

Labeadqua: (aping Phil Hartman) "Machine Gun Krycek had what we in the prison system call a bitch...."

Bead: We're not gonna go there.

Labeadqua: Why not?

Bead: Because it would be inappropriate and besides. Everyone wants me to say it.


(Back in Happy little Washington DC)
Labeadqua: (to the Marilyn Manson tune) We're all stars now, in the Congress Show...

Bead: And on C-SPAN today-- a babely FBI agent gets contempt of Congress.

Labeadqua: All of the sudden, news crews arrive. Babely?

Bead: I don't think there are news crews in the Carterverse. I really think there are only puppet media controlled by the Consortium, the gunmen's paper, and porno porno porno.

Labeadqua: So there's South Park in the Carterverse?

Bead: Oh God, yes.


(Scully Goes to Prison)
Labeadqua: This is sort of wimpy prison. She's in minimum-security tax evader's prison. The kind where rich white guys brag about how their accountants have managed to keep on breaking the laws.

Bead: Let's get back to Tunguska already, we're boring people.


(Mulder takes a chance and tries to kill Krycek)
Labeadqua: I don't see any unresolved sexual tension here AT ALL.

Bead: None.

Labeadqua: He's all about Action! He's all about-- avoiding a head injury?

Bead: He's all about taking Krycek places he'd never take Scully! He's Mulder, Queen of the Paranoid!

Labeadqua: Check the Krycek. He knows when the ride's about to get a little fatal.


(And now.... sniff.....)
Bead: Waaaaah.

Labeadqua: It was a good little arm.

Bead: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

Labeadqua: Get off of it, honey, you know he wants Mulder and not you.

Bead: He probably got a huge infection like that, too. (sobs again)

Labeadqua: God damn it, Beadslut! Krycek lives! He's just one-armed. You're such a baby!


(And Mulder returns to the USA...)
Bead: (sniffling) Agent Scully, you tell us where he is or we'll burn you at the stake!

Labeadqua (as Scully): For the last goddamn time I don't have a clue where he is! And obviously I'm not gonna tell you.

Bead: And to the cries of trumpets--

Labeadqua: Agent Mulder! My Hero!

Bead: Look at her face....

Labeadqua: I don't see any affection or sexual tension there at ALL.

Bead: Check her rocket pack chair.


(Then there's the conclusion)
Labeadqua: The rest of this episode kinda bores me.

Bead: Stuff blows up.

Labeadqua: Krycek proves he's a triple-crossing rat bastard.

Bead: All of their evidence is tossed in the garbage.

Labeadqua: Boom, we're back at square one.

Bead: What a surprise.

Labeadqua: Still better than Patient X.

Bead: Yeah.

Labeadqua: And a heck of a lot better than the next FX offering. El Mundo Gira.

Bead: AKA John Shiban really likes EVIL petting zoos.

Fade to black already.

Back to the Shack!