My friends, I have bad news. Due to creative differences, my former sidekick and desk elf Labeadqua and I have parted ways. (She wanted to change her name to "The Desk Elf Formerly Known As Labeadqua" I told her there was no way I was typing that out in all my reviews, we fought, she packed up and left a la Mr. Hat and I had to contact the Desk Elf Agency for a new sidekick. Two-timing desk elf slut.) So, they sent me a new desk elf. He's a bit British, and he told me his name is "Austin Beadslut: International Desk Elf Of Mystery" and we're calling him 'Austin' for short, kay? Anyway, you don't care about me filling out all the forms to keep a desk elf, sooooooo....... on to the commentary! "The Beginning" [teaser] Austin: Look, it's the Roush vanpool: carpooling for a more environmentally friendly tomorrow! Bead: See, even Evil Biogeneticists love our Mother Earth! Austin: That scientist shouldn't have drank that Super Big Gulp of Alien Retrovirus, Bead love. Bead: I don't think so either, Austin. Get your hand off my thigh. Austin: Sorry. Oh, look! A clueless scientist coming up to the house where the sickly Evil Biogeneticist went! Chances of survival: none. Bead: Ooooh! Flash on Bronschweig! In other words, if you're that dumb on the X-Files, you need to die. [The Hearing] Austin: Ooh, it's Nina from that show. You know, luv, the one with that weasel who stole your idea? Bead: Austin, we don't know David Spade ripped off my idea. Austin: Oh, so that wasn't you I heard screaming, 'Dirty little nonmoviewording weasel! SNL is always stealin' my jokes!' then? Bead: You know, why is Scully late? Could she not find a parking spot or something? Austin: The elevator was full. Besides, that's not Scully. That's her clone. You know, the one you wrote about in OM. Bead: That's Scully. It's just Chris Carter's "ConvenientlyDumb!Scully," you know. Austin: Here's Mulder: and now my skeptic partner will confirm everything I have just said. Bead (as Scully): No I won't. [In the FBI Hallway] Austin: I don't think Mulder could actually make a passable balloon animal to save his soul. They'd all look the same and he'd call them different things. Bead: Man, they must not have taken the movie bonding seriously AT ALL. Oh, and speaking of which, Chris Carter is stupid. Austin: Why now, baby? Bead: You mean nobody keeps computer copies of crime files at the FBI? You mean, if I was a psycho, I could torch the place and thoroughly set back crime fighting for a good decade? Austin: . . . Bead: Not that I would. [New York City: Consortium HQ] Austin: Shouldn't it be time for a shagadelic Evil Bad Guy party? Shouldn't they be doing the Macarena in joy? Mulder and Scully have been dismissed from the X-Files! Bead: They're still in mourning for WMM. Nobody says "My God" quite like him. Austin: Look at the Fat Italian doughboy. Eviscerated corpse, Broncos lose to the Chargers, stripper pops out of a cake, same reaction: "Can this be fixed?" Bead: Look, we've met our new Evil Homie, Austin! Gravelly-Voiced Man. Austin: I want WMM back! Bead: He's playin' a harp, Austin. Deal with it. [Mulder and Skinner] Austin: You're outta there, Mulder! Bead: Man, even Skinner voted against Weed-Whacker Hair Boy. Austin (Mulder-voice): Is it because I called you Mr. Clean again last week, sir? Is it because I let Krycek gnaw off my hair and not you? Bead: Come on, Mulder, you know it's not over. Stop yer bellyaching. Go steal a file from your former desk.... [Mulder returns to the X-Files] Austin: Heh heh heh, it's Stealth!Mulder, ready to rip off the FBI. Bead: Stealth!Mulder couldn't steal a bagel from Bruff Commons. Austin: Well, if you get busted by Spud-boy, um, yeah, that's true, I guess. Bead: Spud-boy to his big brother: Dad says I can have the X-Files and not you, and he's buying me a BRAND NEW-- Austin: Personality? Something other than obnoxious, Jeffy? Bead: Ah, but it's NOT Jeffy who's the evil mastermind here. It's Fowley, queen of evil. Austin: Trust no one unless you've gotten to third base with 'em, eh Mulder? [Return of Gibson] Bead: OH! Can I just say OH! This is so wrong! Austin: It's okay, Beady honey. Bead: What's so terrible is that Gibson's the smartest person in this episode, with the exception of Fowley. If my hypothesis that Fowley is an Evil Mastermind pans out, that is. Austin: He does appear to have a brain. Hopefully those Syndicate bastards didn't fry it too badly. [Welcome to Phoenix, Moose and Squirrel] Bead: Why does Mulder get to dress like J. Crew? Austin: Because he doesn't understand the need for style. Nobody's going to believe he's an FBI agent in that. He looks like-- well, they look like a yuppie couple buying their first house in the burbs. Bead: This would definitely be the house for them. Claw marks, blood, crime scene-- yeah, I bet they feel cozy. [Homer] Austin: Uh-oh, luv! They're playing happy music! Bead: Someone's going to die a horrible screaming death! Austin: In a dark and scary nuclear plant.... Bead: Eww! It ate his head, didn't he! [The Ditch Scene] Austin: Hmmm, isn't it convenient Diana arrived alone. Bead: With no agenda. Austin: But Scully can't come. Bead: She didn't say that.... (Austin and Bead burst into laughter) Austin: No Mulder! Resist her evil! Come on, you horny toad--- awwww.... Bead: Look at Scully. I can read her mind and I'm not even Gibson. She's thinking "Damn, I hate this bitch." Austin: I thought you liked Fowley. Bead: That doesn't mean Scully likes her. Look, she's thinking sailor thoughts about what a total bitch Fowley is and what a total heel Mulder is. Heh heh heh. I like mind reading. It's fun. [We Skip all that Nuclear Stuff and Gibson Losing because we all KNEW it was gonna happen until....] Austin: Oh! That's so cold! Fowley turns her gun on him! Bead: I wouldn't have trusted the evil one. She is so evil I can't even believe it. Go Diana. Use him. Austin: Mulder, come on. Did you ever really think that you'd ever come up with the right answer? Your evidence always seems to disappear down an enormous black hole. Bead: And it laughs at you while it's disappearing. [The 'We're All Aliens' Dialogue] Austin: CC's half-assed attempt to reconcile Mulder and Scully, now that they have nothing but each other. Bead: I don't call it reconciliation when Mulder still thinks Diana is their friend. How far did he insert his cranium up his anal orifice? Austin: That's disgusting. Bead: So is trusting Diana when she ditched him and betrayed him while Scully has endured five years of his rambling. Austin: Would my hair look good like his, Bead? Bead: Nobody's hair would look good like that, Austin. [Lizard Alien becomes Grey while Gibson Watches] Austin: Doesn't Gibson ever get hungry? Bead: Maybe the Grey is swimming out and getting them Burger King between regenerative stages. Austin: I like Gibson. Bead: Yeah, me too. I don't like Spender, though. Austin: Spender's a daddy's boy. I didn't think you could be a daddy's boy, but he is. Bead: You think the nice people will stop asking for this now, Austin? Austin: I think we've rambled enough, Bead. And so we fade to black.....
I gave Austin the week off this way through. Actually, I didn't. *She*
did. (glares over at Evil Beadslut from An Alternate Universe) She
materialized out of a hole in the rational universe, due to the fact there
is no way Houston can be that big without something being wrong with the
My evil twin scares me. She wears frilly pink dresses. She never thinks
about sex. She's a biomedical engineering major. Hell, she isn't even
called beadslut. Her nickname is "Sweetbead" and you don't want to hear
about Evil Alternate Autumn.
Anyway, onto our commentary:
[The SPECIAL REPORT trailer]
Bead: NOOOOOO! God damn that Sadaam Hussein! He's ruined my life! I have
to sign up for the army now to go pop a cap in him for-- never mind.
Sweetbead: Now Bead honey, look. It's just a high-speed car chase. Oh my
heck! OH MY HECK! That bad man has a woman in the back of his car!
Sweetbead: Do you think he did *bad things* to her?
Bead: I dunno. Cool! Tire chains! Bam! Check it out!
Sweetbead: I am quite impressed with the law enforcement here. This man is
blatantly disobeying many laws.
Bead: And probably for a good reason. Hey, the chick's head's gonna
explode [It does]. Yeeehah. Blood.
Sweetbead: How did you know that?
Bead: I heard a not-spoiler from Not-Autumn.
Sweetbead: Autumn gives out spoilers in your universe?
Bead: Yeah-- um-- yeah.....
Sweetbead: In my universe, Autumn is a wispy flower of a woman who never
speaks too loudly and has an unspeakable attachment to Mulder. She says
that spoilers are bad. Oh, and for some reason we call her boisterous.
Bead: (left speechless)
[Mulder and Scully investigate poo]
Sweetbead: Domestic terrorism. It's a smelly, thankless job, but someone
has to do it.
Bead: Do you think that if they came across Mr. Hankey, they'd be
immediately removed from the assignment, due to the fact talking crap is
Sweetbead: I'd say so. Oh, look, our friend Chris Carter is putting the
working classes onto his show.
Bead: All right! Trailer trash! I love CC's pitiful attempts to write
Sweetbead: That's rather biased of you. Just because someone lives in a
trailer or farms in Idaho doesn't mean they're trailer trash.
Bead: It does if you live in CC's universe.
[Mulder and Scully break the rules]
Sweetbead: I am shocked and surprised that Mulder would disobey his direct
orders not to get involved with the X-Files.
Bead: Schyeah. You know, I think I'm gonna die of NOT surprise.
Sweetbead: Why, whatever do you mean?
Bead: I mean this episode is really good but um, not extraordinarily
[Mulder gets carjacked by Crump]
Bead: I mean like this. I knew that was gonna happen.
Sweetbead: Mulder's in trouble! Oh my heck!
Bead: Drive like the wind, Mulder.
Sweetbead: I can't watch, eww, blood, blood, eww.
Bead: Just like a little bomb went off in her ear. In other words, the
right side of her head got blown off!
Sweetbead: How can she *do* that? (blood splats Scully)
Bead: She knows that can't be good for her.
[Mulder and Crump on the road]
Sweetbead: Crump is scaring me. He's all sick and stuff.
Bead: Wow, even Vince reads fanfic. All this nonsense about Mulder being
Jewish. Besides, according to what I heard, everyone in the FBI is Mormon.
That's what they tell us at church anyway.
Sweetbead: Is the church part of an international conspiracy?
Bead: If you consider the proliferation of jello a conspiracy.
Sweetbead: What movie is Mulder talking about?
Bead: Hey! That was MY line! Anyway, so let's say Crump is the bus, Mulder
is Keanu Reeves, Scully is Sandra Bullock. Who's Dennis Hopper?
Bead: Good call, Sweetbead.
[Mulder loses his cell phone]
Sweetbead: Man sure has a feeling for that cell-phone.
Bead: Excuse me, Mr. Crump? If you deprive Mr. Mulder of his cell phone,
he lapses into catatonic schizophrenia.
Sweetbead: He falls down and go boom.
Bead: He throws a girly hissy fit.
[Scully tells the Nevada people her phone number]
Sweetbead: That was just like Titanic!
Bead: No, NEXT week is Titanic.
Sweetbead: Is that a not-so-clever spoiler?
Bead: I would NEVER do that. Boris would kick my butt.
Sweetbead: Boris? In my universe Boris has a contact in the 1013 office.
She knows the entire season line for line.
[Mulder and Crump are Out of Gas]
Bead: Who didn't see this coming?
Sweetbead: Not me!
Bead: You didn't realize (a) they would run out of gas, (b) the gas
station would be staffed by ignorant country folk, (c) Mulder would have
to steal the car, and (d) never mind.
[Scully gets to wear the Big Decontamination Suit]
Sweetbead: Who on earth decided Scully, who could be carrying a disease in
which people's heads explode, got to run around free?
Bead: Scully did.
Sweetbead: Oh, and whatever Scully says goes?
Bead: That's right. She sounds sorta British here, you know? Kinda like
when Carrie Fisher aped a British accent in Star Wars.
Sweetbead: The tighter you hold your grip, Cancerman, the more Mulder will
slip through your fingers.
Bead: You know, Old Deaf Woman has every right to be freaked. Wouldn't you
be if a bunch of people in alien-like suits showed up and everyone else
Sweetbead: Just a little spooked. Hey, is that "From Here to Eternity,"
Bead: I don't know.
[Mulder and Scully desperate to save Crump]
Sweetbead: Isn't it sweet to see them working in tandem?
Bead: Isn't it cute how they ref'd Speed again with that cell phone
Sweetbead: Are we rushing the rest of the episode?
Bead: Like Crump, we have to go faster and faster and faster....
Sweetbead: This was a good episode, wasn't it?
Bead: It was good. It was annoying in the fact there wasn't much to joke
about. Except this last bit here...
[Kersh gives Mulder and Scully crap-- literally even]
Sweetbead: He's a BAD man!
Bead: He's a BAD ass. I see him as fitting punishment.
Sweetbead: You want to see Mulder and Scully work domestic terrorism?
Bead: No, but this is fitting for them. Stuck in the middle of nowhere
with only each other.
Sweetbead: Why does he charge all of it to Scully?
Bead: Because Mulder has vast independent wealth and Scully barely can pay
her credit card minimums. Mulder owes Scully big.
Sweetbead: You mean like, tie him to the bed big?
Bead: Tut, tut, evil alternate self! That's my line.
Sweetbead: Hey, when Scully should stick it to the man, she should stick
it to the man. The principle holds in all universes.
Bead: Good stuff.
Fade to black. Cut. Print. Valium.
This one was easy. Triangle has been extremely, extremely difficult to
write, and I think Dreamland will be a dream if only I can find the
time.... hey, a Spike-a-thon is a legitimate reason to delay reviews.
Reade, back me up.
And without any further ado:
[Scene: The Teaser]
Bead: Look! It's Mulder the Vampire Slayer!
Austin: And that kid from Heavyweights and 1-800-Dial-ATT.
Bead: When Mulder the Vampire Slayer slays, he doesn't have a cool phrase
like Buffy-- and his stake's just not pointy enough.
Austin: But at least, unlike Buffy, it doesn't take a ten minute fight to
slay ONE vampire.
Bead: True. You know who I wish Mulder would stake. ETTA from those
nonmoviewording Freschetta commercials. How many times do I have to deal
with her during this marathon?
[Act One: Enter Scully in the cold, cold morning light]
Austin: Good mor-- well, Mulder, that must be classified as a pre-emptive
Bead: And that must be classified as aggravated assault on an innocent
Austin: (as Mulder) What are you gonna tell him?
Bead: (as Scully) I'll tell him what I damn well please, neener neener.
Austin: I didn't do the-- with the thing? Ooh, Buffy much?
[Scully's flashback on events-- or as we call it, Take One]
Bead: (Scully-voice) Yesterday morning, you were characteristically a
Austin: With your favorite slide projector, number seven, and those nifty
Bead: You know, Mulder sounds like the used car salesman of the paranormal
Austin: (bad accent) We got yer vampires, yer goatsuckers, yer cultists--
all under one roof! The tri-county's largest dealer!
[Enter Sheriff Lucius Hartwell]
Bead: Well, meet Agents Mulder and Horny.
Austin: Look, Bead, it's Dorian!
Bead: I see that. Why does Vince love this guy? I mean, he's hot, but
that's something *chicks* would notice.
Austin: Maybe because he does southern fried so well. I mean, Vince has
that trailer trash obsession?
Bead: Mais oui. Lucius, my boy, you earn points for making Scully smile
and for that cute little butt. Hooboy.
Austin: Hmm, erotic satisfaction indeed. Bead, do you think perhaps Scully
gets that from listing long, exotic disease names.
Bead: (innocently) No comment.
Austin: As your cousin Becky said, jealous much?
Bead: As I say, desperate much? Scully, you need a date.
[The First Autopsy]
Austin: God, I love Vince.
Bead: God, I love Autopsy!Scully. And her intestines, yada yada yada.
Austin: She's the only woman I know who wants pizza after actually seeing
what it looks like partially digested and then re-gelatinated.
Austin: Just so.
[Welcome to the Sam Houston-- Davy Crocket-- WHATEVER!]
Bead: I bet you she'd like some of Hartwell's Magic Fingers--
Austin: Oh, behave! Or perhaps Muddy!Mulder would serve her tastes.
Bead: What sort of vampire would waste time on shoelaces with Scully
Austin: The sort who deliver pizza for a living. And live in trailer
[Mulder jumps on the bed]
Bead: What a jerk!
Austin: What a pouter. Scully is definitely not happy, folks.
Bead: And would you be?
Austin: (Scully-voice) This one's *my* room, Fox. And that's *my* pizza.
But you pay. And don't touch my toys!
Bead: But he ate the pizza!
[The Second Autopsy]
Austin: Oh, yeah, lose the guts. Hella professional.
Bead: Portrait of a happy camper. Everyone, even the dead, get to eat
pizza. And Scully? No pizza for you!
Austin: Did you just try to do the Soup Nazi? And did a little light bulb
flash on over her head or what?
Bead: Go, superheroine Scully! Go girl!
Austin: And go, Groovy!Mulder. Boy, is he channelling Chef tonight? "You
and me and you-- simultaneous..."
Bead: Yeah, he's channelling Chef. Isaac Hays, you know, sang the theme
from Shaft. And he is now Chef....
[Now for Take 2: the Blatantly Wrong (except one) Mulder version]
Austin: Apparently, in the Mulderverse, Scully requires coffee to
Bead: Mulder's such a liar...
Austin: No he's not. He wilfully participates in a campaign of
Bead: Oh, like Autumn.
Austin: Except Mulder likes making Scully evil-- unlike Autumn, who is all
of the good. I love Autumn SO MUCH.
Bead: Do I have to send you back to the agency?
Austin: I'll be good.
[Lucius-- Take 2]
Bead: Well, in both versions, she was indeed horny.
Austin: And Mulder was indeed jealous.
Bead: Scully, Scully, that's Luke Wilson. Drew Barrymore's boy. Sighh...
Austin: Ooh, catch the quip about redheaded vampires? Subtle-- NOT.
[In the cemetery]
Bead: God, Mulder is anti-hick, not to mention JEALOUS!
Austin: His gut instinct, though, was right, if based on sheer
territoriality. Mulder is indeed a twelve-year-old at heart, though.
[Stake-Out in the Cemetery]
Bead: A stake-out without sunflower seeds is neither stake nor an out.
Austin: (distracted and singing) Standin' in a graveyard in Chaney, Texas,
Bead: (joins in) And I'm quite sure the vampire's OCD...
Austin: Cute-- love the Rain Man commentary. Definitely. Definitely love
Bead: Rolling Acres-- the undead's premiere trailer park. Where the
Children of the Night come to hitch their wagons up a spell.
[Mulder's Adventures with the RV]
Austin: Mulder? Shoot out a tire? heh heh heh. He couldn't hit the broad
side of a barn.
Bead: Bird-dog? Doesn't that mean to stand a girl up or something?
Austin: Just as a sidenote, we're agreed the cream cheese harpy interlude
really happened, right?
Bead: Oh, good Lord, yes! Totally.
[Back in Skinner's parlor-- don't we miss it now, agents?]
Austin: Old married couple?
Austin: Old. Married. Couple.
Skinner: Daylight's burning. Finish the damn review.
Austin/Bead: Yes, sir.
[Back to Chaney, home on the range...]
Austin: A vampire who's seen too many Dracula movies.
Bead: An FBI agent who's seen too much porno.
Austin: Hmm... Lucius has normal teeth. I guess lust's vision isn't bad,
Bead: And poor Scully has just discovered how seductive vampires can be,
before they slip you a mickey.
Austin: He drugged the coffee. Do you think he learned that from your
average frat pledge?
Bead: Oh, Scully, didn't your momma ever tell you not to take things from
strangers? No matter how hot?
[And the conclusion... they pulled up stakes]
Bead: Night of the Living Trailer Park Dead. Two thumbs up, Austin.
Austin: Sigh. Poor Scully. All the good men are (a) taken, (b) gay, or
(c) undead. Life's not fair.
Bead: Nope. It's not. And it's totally subjective.
Austin: Except for the buckteeth.
Voila! C'est fini!
Go Back to the Shack!