Tri-Tanic!

Personal Service Announcement: Come visit the Shack site! I have 
a brand new logo, not to mention the FAQ and all the old reviews.
http://members.tripod.com/~j_stoy/shack.html

We now return you to the review.

It's the long-delayed, $200 million dollar 'review'! Directed by James
Cameron.

Starring David Duchovny as Leonardo Di Caprio
         *Gillian Anderson as Kate Winslet
         *The Beadslut as Frozen Extra #1408 (actually, for reals, 
         my sisters and mother were in a casting call for Titanic 
         and my sister almost became one of the long term extras)

         And Chris Owens as "The Beaver"

[Teaser]
Austin: Let's Play 'Name that Homage!'

Bead: 64 South by Southwest-- Hitch's North by Northwest. Lady Garland--
Judy Garland in Wizard of Oz, also a subtle nod to Duchovny's deep debt to
Gilligan.

Austin: Vince?

Bead: No, the one with the island. Also, duh, Titanic. Oh Jack! Oh my poor
one-dimension Jack! And then, drowning in your own pool-- Sunset
Boulevard. Oh, and also a Guns'n'Roses video, you know? That one, not
November Rain, another one.

Austin: Bead, you're losing it.

[Mulder and the Brits on the Queen Anne]

Bead: Look, limeys! And they don't speak American, dirty Jerry.

Austin: Bead, you only know that term because Bashir used it on DS9.

Bead: You know, for a while, I thought Julian was in this episode.

Austin: You wish. [Mulder gets beat up] I swear, he sends out pheremones
that say BEAT ME UP.

Bead: He wants it baad. [Mulder: "They make nice cars..."] Oh, Mulder,
messing with the timeline in any way is just so unwise. Didn't you learn
anything from Star Trek?

Austin: Um, ignore it and it'll go away?

Bead: No, that's Chris Carter's mantra. [Mulder beats up Spender]

Austin: This overdark nonsense is cheesing me off!

Bead: Question? Why would you steal a Nazi uniform? Is it just me or is
that STUPID?

Austin: Errr-- um-- door number two, Monty.

[Mulder visits the Ballroom]

Bead: Hey, look, it's Indiana Mulder and the Last Crusade!

Austin: But he's not fly like Harrison.

Bead: Look, it's FauxScully, all American girl.

Austin: Except that she's working for the British.

Bead: Pity she doesn't like Mulder.

Austin: Of course she likes him. It's like all the Indiana Jones movies--
if they didn't have anything to banter about, the movie would all fall
apart!

[Nazi CSM]

Austin: Evil is reborn as evil.

Bead: Yeah, yeah, it's the Field Where I Sucked all over again.

Austin: Except that that Mulder had good hair.

Bead: I know. "It's the Suck-Cut! It sucks as it cuts!"

Austin: Well, it certainly does suck.

[Enter LGM]

Bead: Hey! It's the Scooby Gang!

Austin: So is Scully Daphne or Velma?

Bead: I choose not to answer that on the grounds it may get me beaten.
(line-- Langly-- "Disappeared without a trace")

Austin: Nothing disappears without a trace! Burn it!

Bead: It's all about me! Ooops. I meant, Mulder's in trouble?
Action!Scully to the rescue!

Austin: Sir? Skinner? You have to help me. Mulder went on vacation and
didn't take me! And he stole my allowance money!

[Scully slams door]
Bead: Uh-oh. Someone's gonna get it.

Austin: Sir, you will do as I say or I will give you my Patented Witch
Glare.

Bead: Hmm, Office of Naval Intelligence? Doesn't Bill Junior work for the
Navy? I mean...

Austin: But Bead, it would require Intelligence.

Bead: You're right. My bad.

[Elevator Scully]
Austin: Hmmm. Very Speed.

Bead: Naw, testosterone.

Austin: Excuse me?

Bead: She's definitely on an aggressive high. Not a speed high.

Austin: I meant like the movie, you know, crowded elevator with a bomb on
it?

[Prancy Galore]
Bead: I doubt she's a blonde.

Austin: Snort. You know, Scully has no respect for secretaries. How did
she ever fall for Johnny?

Bead: Was that an unsubtle plug for my story?

Austin: You're so smart.

[Cancerman in the House]
Bead (in Scully-voice): God damn it! Everyone works for you! Next I'll
find out it's your fault my cable guy won't leave me alone and that you
paid Elvis to fake his death.

Austin: And after a hasty exit, Scully remembers Mulder and his cellphone
are closer than Lassie and Timmy. Hello?

[Spender/Scully goodness-- get that mind out of the gutter! Ewww! Who on
earth would want to get Spender and Scully together?]

Bead: (to the tune of Jungle Boogie) Beat down, beat down.....

Austin: Hmmm, I don't think she likes him.

Bead: Well, maybe. She's using small words so that he can understand.

Austin: I think not. That body language is screaming "I'll pop a cap in
you, PUNK."

Bead: Wow, Cancerman is really dense. "Agent Fowley?"

Austin: In the consortium, women are to be seen and not heard. It's the
Marita rule.

Bead: I think you're right, Austin. I think Spender's next meeting with
Scully may involve a little physical violence. Like, um, she's going to
grind his bones to make her bread?

[Skinner-Scully Kiss]
Austin: Damn, she's for all the boys this episode! It's like watching
Xander and Willow cat around.

Bead: Scully's not a ho like Willow.

Austin: Nice cover-up by Skinner. I think he went home happy.

Bead: And wow, charged!Scully, she's all about getting the heck outta
dodge!

Austin: Look, it's the Mystery Machine!

Bead: Yeah. And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for
you darn kids!

[Mulder recounts history] 
Austin: Mulder have you ever heard of the Prime Directive?

Bead: Star Trek's only a tv show in the Carterverse.

Austin: Yeah, but it's like Scream. You have to use your head. This is so
Back to the Future. Don't mess with time!

Bead: Actually, Back to the Future was all about messing with time for the
better. Maybe Mulder has seen the right movies.

[Meet the Swabbos]
Austin: Pass the dutchie, mon--

Bead: Actually, I flashed on Cool Runnings.

Austin: We really need to give up our encyclopedic knowledge of pop
culture and invest in something else. I bet we could trade it for 3 shares
of Microsoft.

Bead: Shh! Someone's telling Mulder he's a dumb-butt!

Austin: About time! I mean, how many times have we acknowledged his lack
of sharps.

Bead: True. Preach on, Mulder! Fight that future!

Austin: No matter HOW pretentious it sounds!  

[Back to the Ballroom]

Bead: It's the obligatory "shoot the hostage" scene.

Austin: When do we get to the "I Hate Snakes" part?

Bead: That's Indy, not Mulder. I mean, Fox with a bullwhip?

Austin: (laughs) That Nazi kinda resembles Krycek.

Bead: NO he doesn't, crack addict.

Austin: Notice Mulder will sacrifice any life-- except one.

Bead: Hmm, notice 1939Scully doesn't particularly care for Spender either.

Austin: Notice that nobody particularly cares for Spender.

[And in 1998--]
Bead: (Frohike voice) Hey, Velma! I found a clue! Do I get a Melvin snack?
Namely one of you?

Austin: Don't go there.

Bead: Notice that 1939Spender's favorite words are "Shut up, Woman!" I bet
he's never gotten any.

Austin: That's just so like you, Bead. Oh, look, it's more Indiana Mulder
and the Ghost Ship of Doom!

Bead (miming 1939 Scully): I'm the scientist-- in 55 years. 

Austin: (humming Indy theme)

Bead: Yes, with all the Wizard of Oz and Rope homages, why haven't we
nailed Back to the Future and Indy for being much more physical references
for this one?

Austin: Or the Titanic overtones of this brawl. Let us out of our 3rd
class death cell!

[Scully et al running through the ship]
Bead: (Byers) Velma, I'm scared.

Austin: So, if Langley's Shaggy, Fred is Byers, and Mulder's gotta be
Daphne. Yes?

Bead: You're so sick.

[Split Screen Mania]
Austin: It's like watching a tennis match!

Bead: Jeez, Mulder couldn't escape a paper bag.

Austin: Check it out, Double Scullys! How many people would kill for that?

Bead: Snerk. More than one.
                          
[1939Scully and Mulder-- Final Scene]
Austin: (Mulder voice) You don't understand! I have to go back and save
the future! I have to get back to 1985!

Bead: (1939 Scully) That movie hasn't come out in our time, psycho. In
fact, the Wizard of Oz might not be out, either.

Austin: (Mulder voice) Okay, whatever, but Scully-image, I have to go
fight the future, and you have to save the past by sinking the Ti-- Queen
Anne. Except that when I jump, you don't.

Bead: He gives up. Look. Scully's so stubborn.

Austin: Well, just in case I wake up and they speak German--

Bead: Hooboy. Count how long this lasts.

Austin: FLIP. This is--

Bead: Seventeen seconds!

Austin: Wow. That's what you call kissing the hell out of each other.

Bead: And that's what you call defending your honor from the local
time-travelling psycho.

[The Grand Hospital Finale]
Bead: Toto! Again, the dog, not the band.

Austin: Scooby! Shaggy! Sir?

Bead: There's something just not right about Skinner bringing in flowers
for Mulder.

Austin: Do you think he might-- like pie?

Bead: (bursts into laughter) Shh! Austin, that's not nice. [Skinner: "I'm
gonna kick your butt."]

Austin: Is that what he's gonna do to his butt?

Bead: Austin! Nyet! Now, shall we paraphrase this shippy goodness?

Austin: Don't do it in Cartman voice.

Bead: (in Cartman voice) Scully, you saved the world! Because if I died,
the show would be over and then the OBSSE would have nothing to do and
then they really would take over the world.

Austin: If you jump, Scully, I jump! Our love will last the test of time.
Why don't we make sweet love down by the fire? (Mulder: "I love you."
Scully: "Oh, brother.")

Bead: Translated: oh, God, I wish I got Demerol every time I got a bump on
the head.

Austin: Mulder, folks, courtesy of fine quality monkey crack.

Voila! C'est ca! C'est l'ombre de Peter!

Syzergize With Satan's Cheerleaders!

[Scene: The teaser, AKA Bruno's Memorial Kegger]
Bead: (in Boone-voice) Bruno, dude, he was like, my bro. He tapped, I
pumped.
Austin: He shoots, I score. And speaking of scoring.....
Bead: Hi, we're Terri and Margie and we're like, blonde virgins and stuff?
Austin: Um, not even Bruno believes that. They are so shack-nasty.
Bead: No kidding, they put the sk- in skank.

[And it's the morning after]
Austin: So they told him that they loved him, then they did him, then they
killed him.
Bead: Why did they kill him, anyway? Some sort of
honors-cheerleader-witch pact? I mean, I always believed you had to sell
your soul to the devil to be an honors cheerleader, but....
Austin: Bead, your bitterness at certain high school valedictorians is
show-ing.
Bead: I have issues. But I was actually thinking of Data's Brother.
Austin: Bead, speak not in code.
Bead: I still hate Brecheisen. Even though I'm a bigger ho than she ever
was in high school. I still wish I'd torched her hair or something.
Austin: That's my Beadslut. Let the healing begin.

[Mulder and Scully make it just in time for the funeral]
Bead: Dude. I'm a-scared. It's like being in hell, except that in hell,
they all get into Stanford and go to Grossmont Community College instead
and I don't.
Austin: Bead-- issues!
Bead: Hey, look! It's Detective Angela White! Grover Cleveland Alexander
High School Class of 1985! Former Prom Queen and Co-Captain of
Cheerleading Yell!
Austin: Scully *does not* like this women. I mean, meeeeow, Scully, saucer
of milk, table four?
[The principal bursts in]
Bead: Yes! It's Principal Christian Coalition and his flock o' jocks!
Austin: Now, Bead-- I have a question. If you have a coffin on fire, and
everyone runs away EXCEPT Terri and Margie, would you not at least have
SOME questions for said Terri and Margie?
Bead: Now, Austin, *I* would, but Scully's got PMS and Mulder's trying his
Snoop Doggy Dog impression.
Austin: Snoop....
Bead: He's sniffin' around potential tail, y'dig?

[Skip to when we first see Detective White's cat]
Austin: It's remarkable how owners and pets look alike.
Bead: You mean, they both look evil and like big dupes?
Austin: I'm not hearing that, Bead. Anyway, okay, who's putting the
Spanish Fly in Mulder's Frosted Flakes?
Bead: Rico. Suave.
Austin: Is that where *that* all came from? You were mocking Mulder in
Syzygy and then you said CSM could do a better job...
Bead: Austin, it was 3:30 in the morning. It was *so* funny.

[Basketball Practice]
Austin: Is it just me, or do cheerleaders, um, NOT do practice?
Bead: It's about the only thing honors cheerleaders don't do, but yeah.
Our cheerleaders would rather be stretching while the cross-country team
mocked them.
Austin: Spill it, Bead. You were the only cross-country member mocking
them.
Bead: Well... not after I started. You know people. They listen to me.
It's really very flattering.
Austin: Oh, no! Mr. Red-Headed Dork! Don't go run for that ball!
Bead: Yeah, this is a fair trade: splash Gatorade on my sweater, have a
set of bleachers dropped on you.

[And back at the gym... Scully, Det. White, and Mulder]
Austin: (as Det. White) Yep, that's a bleepin' dead young man.
Bead: (as Scully) You weren't in your motel room. I called your cell
phone. You're IGNORING me!
Austin (Mulder): No, I'm not, Detective White.
Bead (Scully): (flabbergasted gasp) You hussy! You're cheating on me with
her!
Austin (Mulder): How can I cheat on you? How can I ditch you? We're not
together!
Bead (Scully): Sure, fine, what-EVER. Talk to the hand, Mul-dork. 

[Digging up the Field]
Austin: Our Children Are Dying: soon to be a movie of the week.
Bead: Starring Markie Post as Angela White, Sarah Michelle Gellar as
Terri, and TV's DJ from Full House as Margie! Oh, and Tom Selleck as
Mulder, the out-of-town FBI agent.
Austin (as Woman): I found Bones!
Bead: You found DeForest Kelley? I knew his career was in the toilet,
but...
Austin: No, she found *bones*.
Bead: Multiple boneage? Dude, is she a hotty?
Austin: Bead, the woman found the remains of Terri's dead dog Mr. Tippy!
Bead: Oh, she found bones! And Mulder and Scully are having a public
argument about who's kinkier. Ooh, baby, snap the latex on...

[The Mr. Tippy Scene]
Austin: Okay, we've established that Terri and Margie have killed, like
three people, and have magic powers. Yet she's upset at seeing the bones
of Mr. Tippy?
Bead: He was her first pet! She remembers when she was just a young bimbo,
frolicking in the yard with dear Mr. Tipppy...

[Mulder and Scully argue in the hall]
Scully: I see no reason to pursue this case any further and not
only that, I find your conduct and comportment in this investigation
not just alarming, but highly objectionable. What are you doing?!
Austin: That's it, Mulder, you're gonna get it!
Mulder: Must be Detective White.
Bead: (howling with laughter) He *really* shouldn't have said that.
Austin: He's gonna discover all his boxers shredded.
Bead (as Scully): Detective White! You two-timing himbo! That's it! I'm
tired of you! I'm going HOME TO MOTHER!
Austin (Mulder): But Scully... honey... I can change... and then he trips
over the ottoman.

[The Birthday Party]
Bead: Bye-bye Brenda!
Austin: See, Brenda, don't mess with the forces of the occult.
Bead: She needs MOO to straighten her out.
Austin: Or an encounter with a bunch of glass.

[Mulder, Scully, and Hotel Evil]
Bead: Mmmm, screwdriver, says Mulder. Just what I need to unwind before
Scully kicks my pathetic butt to the curb.
Austin: And Scully's doing her best "Why I outta" imitation next door.
Bead: And of course, Detective White has to come in and jump the stupid
beast.
Austin: And Queen Scully is NOT amused.
Bead: She's definitely going home to mother now.
Austin: Yeah, and then there's the little feet and pedals remark.
Bead: Well, Mulder, her little feet can reach the pedals, but what's
really amazing is how your big feet can fit so fully into your mouth!

[Scott gets confronted by Terri and Margie]
Austin: Dude, they've become anti-superheroines: The Ultra-Skanks!
Bead: Girls, girls, the 80s are OVER! Tone down that hair!
Austin: They're Terri and Margie-- destroying the ozone layer by bedtime.
Bead: And Scott's afraid for his precious virtue.

{At Madame Zirinka's]
Austin: Um, Ma'am? Mulder doesn't understand the concept of a g-spot,
either.
Bead: Austin! That would explain why he's wondering why this is affecting
everyone.
Austin: In other words, the moon is in the wrong house and Aquarius and
Gemini are knocking unlawful booties and we all paying down here.

[Skipping the whole dual Terri-Margie ratting each other out, get straight
to the police station]
Bead: Well that was a significant fast-forward.
Austin: I have a headache, Bead.
Bead: Maybe it's cosmic.
Austin: It's definitely cosmic. I mean, look at what Margie is wearing!
She's all dressed up for a disco or something!
Bead: Poor little 1979 witch. She just wants to party like it's 1999.
Austin: Bead, weren't you born sometime in 1979?
Bead: DON'T GO THERE, AUSTIN. (Room starts to shake)
Austin: Is that why you've been insane lately? Are we having a Syzygy
here?
Bead: I don't know, but I would like to know what the hell happens in the
room after everyone does their slapstick routine. There's build-up,
build-up, and then: nothing!
Austin: Except the more-than-cosmic discontent between Mulder and Scully.
Bead: Well, the reason they were mad at each other was because Mulder kept
leaving the toilet seat up when he stayed the night at Scully's.
Austin: They're not doing it, Bead.
Bead: Coulda fooled me.
Austin. Sure. Fine. Whatever.

The Weatherboy of Oz

As a quick Valentine's Day present to the OBSSE, the desk elves 
and I decided to go after that lovely episode with Valentine's Day 
in it: Rain King. Now, Austin Beadslut, International Desk Elf of 
Mystery thinks that I may be harsh as I did NOT like this one. And 
"That Elf I did not have sexual relations with" says, "You go, 
Bead." So, without any further ado...

(Teaser datestamp comes up)
Bead: They say it's my birthday… na na na na na--

Elf: Are you going to ever let that die, Bead? We know, you're 
having a birthday. You're getting older. Parts of you will soon sag.

Austin: You're a nasty little wanker, aren't you?"

Bead: Kroner, Kansas.  What a crappy place to spend my birthday.

Elf: Oh, look, it's that annoying woman from SNL.

Austin: And it's Holman Hardt, the Weatherboy of Oz.

Bead: I love his name, it's so SUBTLE. "Whole Man" "Heart".

Elf: It's a name that oozes double entendre.

(Darryl enters)
Austin: oh, yeah, baby! He's worth going on Jerry for!

Elf: Excuse me?

Austin: Well, haven't you ever noticed that the women on Jerry 
Springer always are fighting over little, insignificant men?

Bead: Note that Darryl's last name is Mootz. Perhaps CC has been 
reading Dickens.

Austin: What?

Elf: She means that all the names are clues to personalities in 
this episode. Darryl is a Mooch. Holman is a whole man. It's about 
as deep as character development goes this time through.

Bead: He dumped her on Valentine's Day! On a scale of 1 to Mulder on 
the punk scale, that's a "Mulder in Herrenvolk" maneuver.

Austin: But note, as fits a classic Victorian morality tale, he gets 
what's coming to him.

Elf: If this gets any more telegraphed, I think I'm going to vomit.

Bead: Okay, I'll go get the barf buckets.

[Mulder and Scully land to batons and drought]
Austin: Oh, yes, let's hail the Apocalypse fighters with a baton 
twirler!

Elf: They didn't even rate the high school band.

Bead: You can tell what Scully thinks of this.

Elf: "Mulder, you're on the bottom for the next month?"

Bead: "Mulder, you get to explain this one to Kersh. Twirling a 
baton."

Austin: And what do you think Mulder or Scully thinks of the entire 
marriage thing?

Elf: Mulder: "Jim Gilmore-- is that any relation to Happy Gilmore?"

Bead: Scully: "Lucifer's a woman who wears white and drives an ice 
cream truck." Also, Mulder now owes her dinner for a week.

[Walking through town]
Austin: Gee, Mulder, don't you think it's intentional misleading to 
drag your partner out to Kansas, of all the godforsaken places, all 
over a local drought and a rain king who looks like the next 
spokesman for Bud?

Elf: No. That's just withholding information, which he is explicitly 
permitted to do when he gets a hangnail.

Bead: Pray for Rain? I don't pray for rain. I don't even like it when 
the temperature drops below 70.

Austin: They meant pray for Jojo! Pray for Jojo.

Elf: Visit the Shack! http://members.tripod.com/~j_stoy/shack.html. 
(shudders) Ewww. I feel so dirty.

[Inside the Rain King's "swank" office]
Bead: Look, it's Cindy Brady!

Austin: She got tired of being third fiddle, so she and Kitty 
Carry-All decided to hit the road and hook up with that hot piece 
of man-lovin, Darryl Mootz.

Elf: No relation to Larry, Darryl, and Darryl, of course.

Bead: Darryl's making the rain! He's a great man!

Austin: He's his own great man.

Elf: Unlike Spud-Boy, who is now Krycek's man.

[Inside News Kroner]
Bead: What's the Dickensian style moral in Kroner?

Elf: All I can think of is Krispy Krullers or some foreign money.

Austin: Look, it's that adorable Victoria Jackson! God she was in 
something-- and she was terribly annoying--

Bead: That would be everything she's in--

Elf: Is this your first time in a television studio? Why, yes, yes it 
is, despite the fact Scully had a miracle baby, been abducted by aliens, 
Mulder's been on a 25 year search for his sister-- this would be the 
first time they've ever been in touch with the media.

Austin: Weren't the Gundersons in Fargo?

Bead: Yeah. Frances McDormand was Margie Gunderson, yah.

Elf: There's the Gundersons! Yeah, I can see how you'd make a mistake 
like that.

(Mulder: It's like looking in a mirror)
Austin: Mulder, have you been wearing your contacts?

[The Rain King does his thing]
Bead: Gee, we've never been here before.

Austin: No, there are no echoes of Die Hand Die Verletz, Syzygy, Miracle 
Man here at all.

Elf: Nope. We've certainly never seen an arrogant yokel do magic before 
and Scully end up all wet.

Bead: Usually, however, she doesn't have to ruin her suit like that.

[The Cow Goes Splat]
Elf: Somebody has been reading the barnyard.

Austin: I doubt it. Because unlike this episode, Dark Nascent's 
Barnyard *succeeds* in being funny.

Bead: Well, they've been reading SOME fanfic. 

Elf: Note that it's all the bad PG-13 sort.

Austin: I think that Sheila should get 15-20 for animal homicide.

Bead: I think that we should get 15-20 dollars for reviewing this episode.

[Sheila recounts her weather-altering abilities]
Elf: She's Carrie!
Bead: But without the pig's blood.

[Skip to Holman rehearsing]
Austin: Is it just me, or are Sheila and Holman really bad stand-ins 
for Mulder and Scully?

Elf: Oh dear god I hope not!

Bead: It's enough to make a girl want to jump ship.

Elf: Or jump the ship.

Austin: Talking to each other about love is like dancing about architecture.

Bead: Oh, dear. Sheila wants Mulder. That means Mulder must die.

[Holman and Mulder talking]
Austin: Mulder gets his one clue about love for his entire life, and it's 
about someone else's love.

Bead: It's Scully, isn't it? You've been in love with her since she showed 
you her goodies back in 1993. Admit it.

Elf: But I can't! Our emotions transcend mere sex.

Austin: A bird could love a fish, but where would they live?

Bead: Well, Mulder better figure that out or he's walking home.

Elf: Holman has got to be insane. Ask Mulder for dating advice? It's 
not the blind leading the blind, it's the stupid chasing Cameron Diaz.

Austin: Well, Scully, to answer your question with a question, when 
was the last time YOU had a date, either?

[The next Mulder/Holman scene]
Bead: Look! Holman has just gotten the World's Biggest Clue

Austin: Not only are you a loser, you're a good-looking loser, Mulder. 
I didn't think they made those outside of Hollywood.

Elf: "Dude. You're telling me you never boinked that Agent Scully woman? 
What are you, gay? Or absolutely stupid?"

Austin: "We're professionals and it's not like that!"

Elf: "Yeah. Sure, Mr. Mulder. That's why you watch her ass like that. Professional courtesy."

Bead: Oh, is that what he was extending?

Austin: Just tell her how you feel? HOW MANY YEARS HAVE WE SCREAMED 
THAT AT YOU, MULDER?

Elf: I don't gaze at Scully. No. I flipping check her out. Get it 
straight, Weatherboy of Oz.

[At the High School Reunion]
Bead: Again, this is STOLEN FROM FIC.

Austin: And badly.

Elf: It is just like high school-- girls can never go to the bathroom 
alone. It's always in groups.

[The Conversation in the Bathroom]
Austin: You love him, don't you?

Elf: Honey, you have a lot to learn about me and Agent Mulder. The 
boy is mine.

Bead: Once he latches on, he never lets go. It's like having a 
large pimple on the tip of your nose.

Elf: It chases all the men away.

Austin: (still doing Sheila)  You need to give it up, Ms. Scully. He's 
never going to get anywhere with you.

Bead: That's fine with me because I don't want anywhere. I want the 
bedroom.

Elf: Yeah, one morning you just wake up and realize, hot damn. He's 
delicious. Why the hell haven't we done it?

Bead: Why on earth don't we get drunk and--

Austin: Because friends don't let friends get laid drunk.

[The Happy Ending]
Elf: (pukes into her bucket)

Bead: Gee. Okay. It's a year later. Darryl and Cindy are off with 
their twins Lula Mae and Tanka Rae. We see that Holman liberated 
Sheila from the oppressive world of employment and independence. 
Now, given this set of events, what do you think is going on with 
Mulder and Scully?

Austin: I see-- Mulder. At work.

Elf: I see-- Scully. At work.

Bead: Are they involved?

Austin/Elf: No.

Bead: You two misunderstood me. Pretend you've been smoking pot, drinking fortys 
and watching the Wizard of Oz over and over to Pink Floyd. What 
happened to Mulder and Scully?

Elf: They're in the Caribbean. Scully's wearing a sarong and an emerald green bikini top. Mulder's wearing black board shorts and his hair is back to Season 5 babeliness.

Austin: The conspiracy has been revealed as a bunch of Legionnaires 
who'd ingested too much LSD-laced pimento loaf in the 1960s. And 
Samantha was found owning a Deadhead store in San Francisco.

Elf: Krycek took a job selling leather clothing. His chain of stores, 
"Chain that Bad Boy Up" is becoming the Starbucks for alterna-kids.

Austin: Skinner took a job training the next president of the US to 
be fit and macho.

Elf: And Cancerman finally got his memoirs published. He and JD 
Salinger are hitting the talk show circuit together. The End.

Bead: And they call Chris Carter the Master of Yuppie Morbidity. (Shudder)

FADE TO BLACK.