So, me and the elves are hanging in the City of Easiness that is Large with the glitter that is shiny and we had to talk SR 819. Because, yo dog, it's tasty stuff. [Opening scene in St. Katherine's Hospital] Dr. Cabrera: Where is he? Bead: More importantly, who is he? Elf: And what is he doing in a hospital? Did Mulder hit his head and go boom-boom badoomp? Did he pierce an alien and get the green go in the eye and cry owie it's acid though he should KNOW that by now? [Orderly: "what's wrong with him?" Cabrera-- he's gonna die-- and we get to see Skinner] Austin: Not only is he going to die, he's turned purple! Bead: Whoah. Gee, what's wrong with him? Uh, hello? Or do you see a lot of purple, veiny, pulsating guys here? Elf: Can you speak up? Wouldn't you consider it an achievement that Balducus of Borg here is breathing? Austin: And what did he say? Bead: I know! I know! I want to make love to you all, under the firmament, beneath Jupiter! Elf: No, no, goofy. He didn't have time. All he said was "Ziggy Stardust" and that was enough. And then he died, safe in the all encompassing goodness that is the area. [Skinner gets to give a philosophical dead guy speech] Austin: Every day we choose. Resistance is not futile. The center cannot hold, the falcon cannot hear the falconer-- Bead: Cheap Yeats reference! Everyone knows "The Second Coming!" Why didn't they do something better, like "Leda and the Swan" or "The Circus Animal's Desertion" or "Easter 1916"? Elf: Shut up, Bead! Look! Look! Bead: Oh my God! Who's the manly man? Hmm? Yeah, that's right. AD Skinner, baby. You know what the trainer would say to Mulder? You know what he'd say? Austin: Sorry, son, this is a sport where men get hurt. Why don't you try the gym up the street with the indoor track and the smoothie bar? Elf: Hey, who's that bearded man in the corner? Bead: I know! It's Brad Pitt, sent to distract Skinner so that he'd get hit and go down and go boom. See? Skinner go boom! [fade into Perky Nurse] Austin: Well, looky there. It's Nurse Patsy and she wants to give you a nice shot! Yes, sir. [Electronic voice: "have you heard the news? it's in you"] Elf: Hey! He got some hot man loving from Mulder and we didn't get to see! And did Mulder get some while poor Skinner was out? That cheeky bastard! Bead: It was revenge for the night visit Skinner made after Triangle. Elf: Oh, that's right. "Sir, you must remember I ALWAYS get mine BACK!" [Dr. Plant suggests Skinner give up boxing] Bead: No! Shut up! You're bad! We like seeing him boxing! It's muy macho. Austin: Oh, yes, Bead, death is so macho. Elf: Hey, shut up. [Pencil-Flipping Mulder] Bead: Groooaaaaan. Austin: Look at me! I'm so boyishly rakish! I'm just like Cary Grant. Elf: Uh, more like an overgrown Keanu Reeves. "I am Duchovny. Witness me emoting." See, Cary Grant was SUAVE. Austin: Both men, however, had excellent heads of hair. Bead: True that. [Enter Skinner and witness Mulder following him] Well, well, well! Look who's here! Elf: (as Skinner) Mulder! I know what you did to me and I didn't like it. Come here so I can give you a much deserved thrashing! Austin (as Mulder): A thrashing! A thrashing! Oh, SIR! You really are too kind to me! Schmoopy, are you gonna be okay? Bead (as Skinner): No, dummy. Get me someone who's more than a pencil-flipping slut. [Scully shows up] Bead: Voila! It's the calvary! The virologist, pathologist, general practioner, and the psychic healer. Elf: Yep. She immediately knows when health is bad. Just like your mom. Austin (as Mulder): See, Scully, see see! He's sick! Because of me! Elf (as Scully): Well, Captain Ego, I see you're out in force tonight. So why did you make him sick? Did you tell him your theory about the tooth fairy and alien geneticists making an identification database? Bead: See, even Skinner isn't going to buy that sorry line of crap? Please, Mulder, the world does not revolve around your sorry ass. Although we understand how you could mistake it, as the world actually revolves around Scully and she is usually in close proximity to his sorry self. [Mulder plays "bad cop, bad cop" with Skinner] Austin: And what did you have for breakfast, Mr. Skinner! Elf: Oh, no! He had one of those McMuffins with orange juice! There is absolutely no hope! Bead: Nope, nope, nope, l-elf. It was the run-in with the famous scientist. See, those guys are always fatal on the X-Files. Science just doesn't mix with the paranormal. [Mulder and Skinner play SWAT FBI] Austin: Aw yeah! Let's kick some physicist ass! Testosterone! Elf: I certainly hope Mulder gave his schmoopy Wally Bear one final love moment just in case Skinner dies during this or of the Borg sickness he has. Bead: Mulder? Pshaw, he's unaware of the correct way of how to give pleasures. He's a taker, a taker. [A bunch of guys run past] Bead: KRYCEK! KRYCEK! ALLLLLLLLLEXXXXXXX! Austin: Goodness me, Bead! Focused much? Elf: She has Krydar. Austin: Like the kid with the wounds in Revelations? Elf: No, like Krycek Radar. Bead: Alex! It was him! My schmoopy bit of good loving evil! Krycek! Austin: We've lost her, haven't we? Elf: Let her be, Austin. She's in a happy place. [Return to Scully being the scientist] Austin: But our review? Elf: Oh, this is the easy part. See Scully? See? Now she's a scientist. I bet one week they'll have her discover silicon-based life just to prove what a scientist she is. Even though she only got her undergrad in physics. Bead: Where's Alex, goddammit! Austin: Ohh, Dr. Scully, I need some id-- never mind-- love it. [Plant and Scully look at the blood] Elf (Scully): Oh dear, one of Wesley Crusher's science experiments went askew AGAIN! Austin: That damn arrogant little bugger-- higher plain of existence indeed. You can't wear sweaters like that and be higher. It's just not right. Elf: So what did Wesley make this time? They look like tiny wriggling cells to me. I bet they're technobabble critters, or miniature tribbles. Bead: I want my schmoopy, god dammit! Now now now! Austin: Er-- where's a werewolf-downing trank gun when you need it? Elf: Busy downing that "big gay possum" (Joss' term, not mine) Oz. [Senator Matheson and Mulder talk] Austin (Mulder): You haven't called me since 1994! What did I do wrong? Was I too closeted for you? Did I almost break our love to the news? Oh, Matheson, I've missed you. Elf: Oh, Mulder, why are you torturing this man? He can have your ass placed on even worse duty than it currently is. Give it up, homeboy! Austin (Mulder): I want the truth! And a kiss, if that's not too much to ask! Elf (Matheson): The truth is that I can't tell you the truth. It's a senator secret. And you smell bad, Mulder. Brush your teeth and we can reconsider that kiss. Bead: No! Mulder only kisses Alex! Austin: Bead: you said earlier he was schmoopies with Wally Bear. Which is it? Bead: I don't know! Fox Mulder is a big slut! He sleeps with everyone, even Scully, though she should know much much better, and Skinner, too. [Action Skinner scene] Elf: Dude, it's all about reruns of 70s cop shows. Don't you think Krycek is the Huggy Bear of the X-Files? Austin: I hadn't, but now that you mention it-- and Skinner is the great heavy boss with a heart of gold. Yeah. Krycek is Huggy Bear. Bead: You two! [Action!Scully and Dr. Plant run to save Walter from amputation] Elf: Yah, I am all about this kind of thing! I am Scully! Screw your protocols, because I know what's best. I know ALL things about science and medicine. [Dr. Cabrera: Who the hell is this woman?] Austin: Blasphemy! Thou hideous wench! It is Scully, the queen of X-Files and America! Bow down before her and we might allow you to live! Elf: Are you doing a Stewie impression from Family Guy? Austin: Yes. Elf: Not bad. But the accent needs to be a little more sinister-- think Jeremy Irons in almost any movie he's done. Austin: Do what I say! I am Scully! I have revelations about science the way Mulder does about aliens and sock puppet monsters! Damn you, woman, or I shall smite thee. Elf: Much improved. Austin: Thank you. [Kimberly and Mulder talk] Bead: Someone said I seemed like her. Austin: No, Bead. If anything, you seem like a cross between Willow, Drew Barrymore, and hmmm-- Cordelia. That works. Elf: Check Kimberly being wowed by Mulder's most excellent Jedi powers. "You will allow me to save Skinner's life." "I will allow you to save Skinner's life." "Let me break rules and constitutional amendments. And Kimmy? Get me a coke." "Okay." [Skip to when we see Bearded Man writing on his Palm Pilot after the phone call] Bead: Alex! See see see it's Alex! Austin: Oh, not again. We don't even get to mention Scully for once is not in black in those neat purple scrubs? Elf: It's been mentioned. But we do get to mention the fact Mulder apparently thinks he's Superman. Austin: How so? Elf: Faster than a speeding car. Austin: Oh, yeah! [Matheson/Krycek talk] Elf: And Bead says Mulder's a slut. Hello, Krycek is the village bicycle! Austin: Indeed. And that's with anything that walks. Matheson: What have you done with Orgel? Elf (Krycek): Nothing we haven't done, baby. Don't sweat it. [Skip ahead to the scene where we see Orgel] Bead: Oh, look! There is man pain! Austin: Mas man pain. And eww, Borg much? Elf: There is an obvious boys and their toys reference to be seen here as Alex "Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful" Krycek twiddles with the knob. Bead: Nobody twiddles like Alex. Elf: How far can we go down this path? Bead: I like the pretty things at the end. They remind me of the butterflies Delirium plays with. Austin: (to Elf) We gotta get her away from the computer. [Skinner worries about redemption] Elf: If I had only been braver, I would have died a lot sooner and been guaranteed first class to heaven! Now I'm just a wishy-washy guy and I have angst! Oh the angst! Austin: I have regrets, Scully... one is that I went for that little slut Mulder rather than you. Because you're the goods, sweetheart. And you're much smarter than he is. Elf: In our next lives, will you be my girl? Bead: Oh, god, you're all nuts. [Mulder and Matheson talk again] Austin: It's all about SR 819! It's all about me! Isn't it, Matheson! Tell me the truth! It's always all about me! Everything on earth is all about me! Why did they have to hurt my schmoopy? Elf: My sweet Wally Bear! Oh, the gruff loving! Bring him back, Matheson! Or I shall reveal your evil ways to the media. You bad bad man! [Skinner codes on the table and dies.] Elf: Why do we always hurt the ones we love? Why, Banjo, Why? BAAAAAANJOOOO! Bead: Skinner, honey, it's Skinner. (Elf rolls eyes) What? Austin: Look, he's been resurrected! Now he can be the one and reveal what the Matrix is! Hooray! [Final set of scenes] Elf: So, hmm... do you think Mulder Olson and Scully Lane would have ever realized that Superman was Clark Kent? Austin: He was? Whoah! Elf: Sir, can you recognize him? I mean, he is WEARING A BEARD. Austin: No, sir, that's a Superman if ever I saw one. [Into the car] Bead: Have you been a good boy? Elf: Oh, the smut. Oh the very unpleasant smut ahead. Austin: There isn't much to say here except "Walter Skinner, you're my bitch now." Bead: And there isn't much beyond that except that it's all about Scully and not Mulder. Even if it appears that way. Even when it's all about me. Elf: Oh, Bead. Get over it. Cut, print, that's a wrap!
Well, despite the fact I watched this on tape delay because of my own
field trip to Disneyland, I have a lovely elf review for y'all right here.
Bead: Uh-oh. Hasn't this couple ever heard of the X-Files rules?
Austin: Don't go in the woods?
Elf: No, don't have sex on the X-Files.
Bead: Hey, wasn't this the chick from Detour?
Austin: No, that chick didn't whine. This chick has--
Elf: Goo flashbacks.
Bead: But a mighty cute hiking man who loves her.
[Dissolve to mighty cute skeletons]
Austin: Well, look at it this way. They never lost that lovin' feelin'.
[In the Office-- Morning]
Elf: (sings) Slide-Projec-tor Man! Slide-Pro-jec-tor-Man!
Bead: They've given you a monotone and they've taken way your cool.
Austin: Mulder is the ORIGINAL Boy Who Had No Cool.
Bead: GOOD HAIR! HALLELUJAH! PRAISE GOD!
Elf: Well, forget this babble about lights and aliens, we've discovered
the truth of this episode.
Austin: As if it's important. He says: it's aliens. She says: nuh-uh!
Elf: Carter gives the edge to Man Pain Boy, and look. He's rude enough to
Bead: Oh, what a jerk! That was just a neener on Scully.
[The Squirrels in the Hills--]
Bead: Watch them squirrels, Mulder my man. They may have the plague.
Austin: Bubonic plague, even.
Elf: So, yes, Mulder, touch that snotty goo with your bare hands! What are
you? Insane? Or just STUPID?
Bead: Who cares? Let him be Captain of the Snotty Hotties today!
Austin: Well, I still say you can't trust those damn squirrels. They lead
you to Wonderland. And oak trees. And into family research.
Bead: Hon, lay off the shrooms.
[Scully has a thought]
Elf: Oh, dear. Scully and the SRE, makin' what happen?
Austin: Hey, this is tripping softcore, compared to Mulder.
Bead: Wallace, you know, reminds me of a cute younger brother of Krycek.
Elf: And you know, that reminds me. I'd easily believe a random lazy-eyed
psycho would have his own death faked to meet Mulder.
Bead: Well, this ep-- hair. Hoo-freaking-boy.
["They're affecting your head!"]
Elf: On the Duh-O-Meter from 1 to 10, that's an easy 11.
Austin: Hell, Mulder's lucky to have a head left after all the affecting.
Bead: Dude, if I tripped this lame, I'd kick my own ass.
Elf: Hey, didn't we see this movie? Wasn't it called The Matrix? Didn't
that version have black skintight leather?
Austin: Hey we still have black, and a monotone boy.
Bead: Yeah! But if this is Mulder on shrooms-- waah. I want some good
[Skeptic Girl gets the shock of her life]
Elf: Well, this is self-aggrandizing tripping.
Austin: Like faked deaths would faze Scully. People on X-Files resurrect
themselves like they're Stefano DiMera on Days of Our Lives.
Bead: Yap yap abductees and truth-- we've HEARD this, Gel-Boy.
Elf: (Mulder) But what about this?
Austin: He lost the waterbed?
Bead: (as Scully) What the hell is that thing? It better not be a mutant
["I abducted HIM"]
Brief silence. Then...
Elf: And his name is Sparky. Isn't he cute?
Austin: And we're going to adopt him as our son and move to Westchester
Bead: And Mulder? You're right. You're right as rain. Let's have sex.
Elf: Dude. This is so not of the real.
Austin: At least this goo is finally cool.
Bead: Hey, I think Sparky their Alien Child is cool.
Elf: Oh! They be trippin' on de drugs!
Bead: No more poppy seed muffins, Mulder.
Austin: And drugs are bad, m'kay? Never eat mushrooms you find in the
wild. They may induce weird scenes and besides, drugs might alter your
behavior so you behave like a freak.
Elf: Hey, do you think that this is REALLY drug-induced, then?
[Scully finds the Mulderskeleton]
Bead (Scully): Dammit! Death follows me around like a puppy!
Austin: I don't want any more cute human carcasses? Okay?
Elf: Aww, look at her deep latent bonding with old boney.
Bead (Scully): This sucks on so many levels. I'll never get my Good
Vibrations catalog back, now.
Austin: Not to mention this shoots my chances of getting laid in the 20th
[Examiner spits back the SRE. Scully is surprised.]
Bead: She's not used to hearing those words: "You are correct, ma'am."
Elf: Especially given as she lives in the Carterverse, where no laws of
Austin: Well, welcome to the Carterverse on shrooms.
Bead (sings): Drugs, they say, are made in California--
Elf: Is that the SRE for season 6?
Austin: Marilyn Manson or drugs?
Bead: Oh, look, Scully's going DOWN. Tears before Skinner?
Elf: Big girls don't cry.
[The Wake of Mulder]
Austin: Bead, this is like one of your fics just without the sex and the
obsessive pop culture references.
Elf: Well, it's surreal, crack-addled, gee, Mulder dies, Scully snaps--
Austin: And it's just delightfully wack. They ripped you off.
Bead: Mmm-hmm. Now watch the girl snap. It's like Space Ghost on a good
["We'll make that monkey pay!"]
Elf: Hey! Jojo's been a little too busy with that horrid wedding dream
sequence to be messing with Scully! He didn't kill Mulder! He's -- whoah.
Austin: Snapped like a twig, dear Scully.
Bead: I feel so much better about the way I ended Choirgirl now.
[Mulder returns from the dead. Like Stefano only with better hair.]
Elf: Yo, could we trip like she do?
Bead: Oh my Gawd. Yum, yum, give me some!
Austin: I'm here, I'm real-- and we're having this together.
Elf: Lots of monkey sex?
Bead: Lots of monkey crack. Which Seth Green knows about.
[It all turns out to be a big scary fungal eating thing!]
Austin: Melting and tripping? And then the dying?
Bead: And it's not even cool tripping! What a crappy fungus paired with some lame subconsciouses.
Elf: And then you have to die. That would be the kicker.
[The Skinner scene]
Bead: Yes, sir. You are correct sir. Can we go home now?
Austin: Their agreement would have me checking for drugs.
Elf: Well, Skinner was in Nam. He knows about the wacky weed.
Austin: Oh, look, and the drugs are still winning! These are some
lightweights right here.
Elf: I bet three vodka and cranberries and two amaretto sours would turn
them into total wastoids.
Bead: Hey, I think Skinner thinks so. Yet Mulder has violenced the man
[The REAL, Drug-Free Ending]
Elf: Acid-free, the way to be!
Bead: Cuz real drugs leave scars.
Austin: Yes, check those scars.
Elf: Did I mention that I love watching people on TV on drugs, even if
real stuff is less cool?
Austin: Drugs on TV rock.
Bead: As does Mulder and Scully bonding.
Elf: Aww, honey, even if you smell like acid and are covered in dirty,
I'll still love you.
Austin (sings): Oh, my love... my darling... I hunger for your touch...
Okay, fade to black. NOW!
Anyhow, the Elves warn you that Jenny-O has not-fond memories of suburbs and knows the Southern California suburbs *very* well, so if you hear rancor, you're not wrong. And off we go...
[Scene: Teaser: "Welcome to the Falls at Arcadia"]
Elf: (singing) "You can check out any time you want, but you can't never leave--"
Bead: Dude, this is just like Grandma's! Literally! Except there's not as much iceplant in Arcadia.
Austin: If this guy paints his house pink, wouldn't you just think he was color-blind or really going for that Southwest flair?
Bead: Of course. Good Lord, I'm having bad flashbacks. This is so like my life, except we have taggers, Girl Scouts, and toilet-papering.
[The Neighborhood Welcome Wagon Greets Mulder and Scu-- Rob and Laura
Petrie. Like the Dish.]
Elf: These people are all part of the Church, aren't they?
Bead: No. They're missing the six blonde children. They just have nitpicky rules and long clothes. That could be any repressive institution!
Austin: (snickers) Hands, Mulder! Hands in new places!
Elf: And look at her. She's so in her "back away, boy" mode.
Austin: In other words, she so *doesn't* want it?
Bead: Yeah. Gosh, you know that guy from Parker Lewis? I thought he was Larry from Buffy at first.
[Moose and Squirrel banter in "their new home"]
Austin: (accent) Let's Get It On! Hmm, has Mulder become a Stone Cold fan?
Elf: What is up with Scully's pearl earrings? Next she'll be vacuuming and making fluffernutter sandwiches.
Bead: For what children? There are no neighborhood children, no Eddie
Haskells, no Wally and the Beaver, not even a Stewie.
Austin: There are no children in the Carterverse. Or if there are, they are tragic victims, evil, or stoned. And please, could you see a Scott Evil at the Falls?
Bead: If I could be Mrs. Scott Evil.
Elf: (ignoring the Austin/Bead conversation) Dude, could Mulder be more wanting to play house?
Austin: It's his Detour.
Elf: Except his ass is so dead for that sandwich thing. I'll sandwich you, Rob!
Austin: I can't buy the "you just want to play house" thing. Scully sucks at being suburban.
[Fast Forward Dinner Party]
Elf: Why are we fast-forwarding the dinner party?
Bead: Because A) it's boring, B) sexist, and dude, I would be monster mush in this neighborhood in two hours flat.
Austin: Oh, so that explains the summer funks you get into.
Bead: Austin! Ouch baby, very ouch.
[Win Schroeder covers up the evidence of Big Mike's little accident]
Elf: There's a bad OJ Simpson joke there in there somewhere.
Bead: I think Mulder and Scully married is a bad enough joke.
Austin (Scully-voice): Hands, poopyhead! Hands in public and you promised.
Bead: You know, this place scares me even more since I read Snow Crash. I mean, if there were ever a Burbclave, this would be it.
Elf: And as nobody knows what you're talking about--
Bead: Fine. Is it just me or is Mulder's hair hella ugly?
Austin: Mulder wore a shirt with a little alligator on it. It's not just the hair. He's totally trashing fashion karma here.
[Schroeder and Cami have Moose and Squirrel for dinner. Not literally.]
Austin: (after Mulder claims Scully's the New Ager) Gotta love him digging his own grave, don't you?
Bead: He really wants to be bent over, doesn't he?
Austin: I think he's after a good spanking.
Elf: They're the scariest married couple I've ever seen.
[Off Schroeder's line]
Bead: This community is the American Dream. Note: your dreams may vary
from those of the Globex corporation, its subsidiaries and its
Elf: That poor scruffy dog is such a red shirt!
Bead: It'll be reborn as the Taco Bell chihuaha. Don't fret, pet.
[Mulder and Scully as the cute married couple squabbling.]
Austin (Mulder voice): Do you want to shag now or shag later?
Bead: It's so Vanessa and Austin.
Elf: They're so not shagging now.
Bead: Well, as Austin noted, this is Scully's revenge for Detour.
Austin: But will it ever be shagging time for them? (Bead and Elf snort) Hey, an elf can dream!
[Mulder puts up a flamingo]
Elf: Oh, Mulder! You're the margarine of agents! You're quasi-manly!
You're semi-studly! You're the Diet Coke of agents! Just one calorie-- not agent enough.
Bead: And ditch the alligator shirts! You are not living in the 1980s
anymore, Mulder! And we know about your Members Only jacket!
Austin: Don't you wish Mrs. Mulder were here? Teena would slap some
fashion sense into that boy. You know she's the one who dressed him as a child.
Bead: She'd slap him like a redheaded stepchild.
Elf: Hey, nobody talks that way about Fox Mulder [bleeps a lot]
Austin (whisper): And how many times have you taken her to that movie,
Bead: Three times. And I promised to take her to South Park, too.
[Scully grabs a poker to menace her unexpected guest}
Elf: I dig the hair.
Bead: I dig the Nordy's suit.
Austin: But where the hell is her gun? Hellooooo? Why would you hit a man with a poker when you have a gun?
Bead: Because she means to maim and not kill.
Austin: Hey! Bead! You're fast-forwarding the action again!
Bead: I can't help it! Gogolak is every prissy youth leader I ever had. Big Bob and Big Becky. The Zaussmeister (breaks down into sobs)
Elf: What is up with her, Austin? Is she having Nam flashbacks? Johnny! Johnny! JOHNNY!
[Pause, of course, for the Scully needing help at 450 Autumn Terrace]
Elf: It would be simple to cut this line to say, "I need Autumn tonight."
Bead: Or, conversely, "I need Autumn. No, not tomorrow, tonight."
Austin: Hey, I have a question for you two. Does all this sexism in
Arcadia offend you?
Bead: Oh, it annoys the hell out of me, but actually, it's not that far off. Behold my Proustian flashbacks. It may not be a good thing, but it's an accurate thing.
Elf: And on the plus side, Scully looks really hot in this one.
Austin: Mr. Gogolak, Mulder can't sign his paychecks over to you. He still owes the FBI 445 million dollars for Antarctica.
Bead: And for the Roche incident and for-- his entire career, basically.
Elf: Can someone please get Scully out of the closet?
[Final voice over]
Austin: Sigh. Scully as Scully is still wearing black. Why?
Bead: She's mourning Mulder's hair.
Elf: And Season Six.
Austin: And the fact that rock is dead.
Elf: Deader than dead.
Bead: As dead as the career of any Star Trek actor.
[Fade to black]