OB: Your Dreamland May Vary...
Okay, so I borrowed Pilgrim's Lenny joke, but it's been warped onto my
fragile little mind...

[The Teaser]
Bead: How many roads must Scully walk down...

Austin: Before she's all a-tingle?

Elf: Forty-two!

Bead: Don't you get that's a rhetorical question?

Elf: Do I get rhetorical?

Austin: Yeah, the way Scully gets sex... or out of the car.

Elf: Or a normal life.... with Mulder. Come on, I almost heard her say

Bead: (grins) Cheese it, Mulder! It's the Feds! Where are our Mentos?

Austin: They're FBI. Like the CIA but somehow less cool.

["There are no such thing as flying saucers..."]
Elf: And the tundra wasn't frozen on the way to Winter Park, neither.

Bead: But there was a light... and then I was Lenny!

Austin: And then Lenny stole my girl. Now that was wack. 

[Mulder just lets Fletcher drive away]
Elf: You better not do anything with her! It's Mulder's job to not do
things with Scully!

Bead: Hey, this one guy reminds me way of Spender. Is it possible they're
cousins? Maybe this guy is the son of Rico's brother, Rico
Slightly-Less-Suave-Than-Rico Suave?

Austin: Oh. I just thought he was Screech.

Elf: you do have ID, dont'cha? You didn't trade it for, like, porno, did

[Mulder sees himself and realizes what's happened.]
Bead: My face! My precious face!

Austin: I'll never mock my nose again, God! Just give me back my face! I'm
sorry! I'm sorry I mocked prison sex! I'm sorry!

[Morris' Picture Wall]
(Our intrepid trio stares at each other)
Bead: Riiiiggght.

Elf: This guy should have been in the South Park Movie.

Austin: Yeah, and where is his obligatory picture with, oh, Libby Dole?
George W. Bush? Bill Gates? The public has a right to know!

["Are you okay, Mulder?"]
Austin: Never been flyer... for a white guy.

Elf: I switched bodies with a sex symbol... on the next Ricki Lake.

Bead: Hey, he called her DANA! No! No! Don't make me get the taser,
Morris! No Dana.

["Let's go home."]
Bead: I hate to repeat myself, but....

Austin: Riiiigghht.

Elf: They work in Area 51 and they carpool?

[Mulder discovers Domestic Bliss... or is that the Domestic Carceral?]
Bead: Oh, look. Mulder went to hell. Serves him right for cutting his hair
like that.

Austin: And look what he settles on. Skinemax. I am stunned and surprised.

Elf: Talk about beating a horse until the maggots are dead.    

[Boring non-M/S scene with plot and stuff]
Bead: Sir, we found the co-pilot.

Austin: He's a rock now.

Elf: (sings) I am a rock, I am an island...

Bead: And yo, that pilot? He's not the pilot.

Austin: But if you leave a message, he may dial you back using 1-800-The
Great Beyond.

[Further Adventures of Lenny and Scully]
Bead: Okay, puhlease. Mulder is easily lost.

Austin: But everything else...

Elf: I detect that Scully's chip just erased her brain again. I mean,

Bead: Yeah. This guy is attached to Kersh's butt like he was a Hoover.
Hello, Scully?

Austin: And where is your fashion sense, too?

Elf: I do believe she traded it for... Pez?

Bead: Oh, look at Scully being jealous. Or maybe she's just trying to
remind not-Mulder they don't threesome after that Marita incident.

[Mulder in Hell, Part 6]
Austin: He wakes up moaning her name? Whatever.

Elf: Hey, I like it. He's gone to hell. Where they have minivans. And
possibly Ewoks.

Bead: And sullen teens. He deserves this.

Austin: Why?

Elf: Herrenvolk.

Bead: Poetic justice.

Elf: The hair.

Bead: We could go on.

["Baby, be the hole..."]
Bead: Scully, you have entered the Mulder Zone, population you.

Austin: You mean she ever left?

Elf: Ohhh, jeez. Collective groan as we're realizing that this ep is
supposed to make us appreciate Mulder as Scully deals with Morris "Lawsuit
Pending" Fletcher.

["Turn around, big guy..."]   
Bead: Turn around, bright eyes....

Austin: Every now and then he falls apart!

Elf: Old dude, be the floor. Be the floor.

Bead: You know, Cousin Weasel is getting on my nerves. He's like evil

Jeffy. Jeffy without a soul. Poor dead Jeffy.

Austin: I guess Rico's brother, Rico-Slightly-Less-Than-Suave, was not
much on manners.

[The luncheon quickie with Prancy Galore]
Elf: Oh, that tears it.

Bead: Scully gets to play Doctor with Skinner next time.

Austin: Um, you mean she never thought of examining him before? Mulder, I
mean. Even when he's himself, I mean...

Elf: Oh, sure she did. But nice girls don't, you see...

[Mulder in Hell, Part 21.5]
Bead: Gee, Joanne, no duh you're in a farce!

Austin: Swift as an arrow, sharp as a tack.

Elf: Who is Scully? Well... she's the platonic love-monkey I don't have 
sex with either.

[Scully appears]
Bead: Uh, Mulder, you SUCK! "Err, I switched bodies..."

Austin: And I'm still swift like Speedy Gonzales. Bee pollen?

Elf: Mulder couldn't convince butter to churn.

[Showdown in the Quick-E-Mart]
Bead: Whoah. Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

Austin: Scully is possibly the worst patsy I've ever seen.

Elf: She's screaming "guilt!" and it doesn't play well.

Bead: Scully, dear God, find your brain. Mulder is like me. Real smart and
stuff, but about as organized and villanous as your average closet.

Austin: Hey, what? It's To Be Continued? Are we being punished?

Bead/Elf: Yes.

[Fade Out]
A Man, His Pain, and His Lust For Scully: Milagro!

[The Teaster: Padgett, Writer's Block, and A Big Dripping Heart. Keen.]
Bead: He's a man, with a typewriter. A tough, manly, struggling American
writer. A true invidualist.

Elf: Because writers don't use them fancy-pants compewters in the
Carterverse. Except to find porn on the Net.

Austin: Shh!!!! I'm *learning* here. I think this might be how Chris
Carter handles writer's block.

Bead: Well, minus the fart jokes, nudie magazines, and male bonding.

Elf: Hey! Check the writer expo-saying his heart.

Austin: I think it's a metaphor. A big, dripping metaphor.

[Scully and Padgett in the elelator.]
Bead: Good God Damn. I think I'd have to ogle that outfit, too.

Austin: Where did they get this cameraman? Triple X Land?

Elf: I can't listen to Mulder and Scully anymore. They're so
thirtysomething sometimes I can't believe people don't think they're
having sex. Conversely, I don't believe people obsess over them either.

Austin: I do. They're eminently edible.

Bead: Yeah, I guess. Blehh, Padget is such Another Carter Mary Sue. Get  
your ego out of the characters, Chris!

Elf: Yes, but at least this one is Chris' Evil Mary Sue, so he can stalk
Scully to his heart's content.

[The "Teen" Couple in the Car]
Austin: Oh, this guy is from the 90210 school of Teen Actors.

Bead: Otherwise known as Arthur Fonzarella Syndrome.

Elf: Yeah, and the "Stranger" (oh, it's SO Camus, the world is an
existential black hole so why should I care I might stick a fork down my
black-turtlenecked and beret-wearing throat) must hate that the way we do.

Austin: Yeah, that kid is 16 when Mulder has good hair.... aw, damn it.

Elf: Is it just me, or is this lovingly voyeuristic camera work giving you
a wiggins in a creepy way, too?

[Padgett starts talking prose]
Bead: (rocking back and forth) Oh, my dear God in the heavens above! Make
it stop! Please for the love of tic-tacs and Scully's bra, make him STOP!

Austin: There there, my sweet little writer who also happens to be a lit
student. The bad man will go to jail soon. 

Bead: But not Chris Carter! And ultimately, this is his terrible prose!
He's hurting the English language! I can hear it cry out in pain!

Elf: Not to mention this overwraught crap with the chicka chicka wow wow
camera work... it's so lowbudget I'm expecting Heather Donahue to start
screaming soon.

[Scully in the Church with her Stalker]
Bead: Did no one ever teach Mr. Padgett that stalking is not only a crime,
it's really creepy and unflattering and chicks don't dig it?

Austin: To hell with Padgett-- did anyone teach Chris Carter?

Elf: Could they not afford Sean Penn, cuz I swear that's who this guy is.

Bead: Why don't attractive men ever sidle up to Scully?

Austin: The Mary Sues of Carter cannot allow this to occur. She is their
High Virgin Goddess.

Bead: It's so damn scary! Stalking is not love! Damn 1013! Damn them all
to robot hell!

Elf: This guy claims this is a SECRET attraction?

Bead: That's it, I need the combat boots.
[The Autopsy]
Austin: She's even wearing a black shirt? Own you no color in your
wardrobe, woman?

Bead: Dude, Mulder, you better get it in gear. The writer guy have a corny
jones for your woman.

Elf: Yes, and it's frightening in an arousing way, apparently.

[Mulder and Padgett Chat]
Bead: Kick his ass, Mulder! Kick his ass!

Austin: Oh, God, what a pair of pansies.

Elf: The Man Pain Quotient here could sink a tanker.

Austin: Or choke a chicken.

[More Padgett Prose as we try to prevent our large intenstines from
leaping up and strangling us in an attempt to save us]
Elf: Become aroused? Why, did she meet a nice fireman on the way home?

Bead: Cuz God knows Mulder and Padgett are damper instruments than Scully.

Austin: Good Lord, could this prose be any more self-impressed?

Elf: Prick? Twinge? Way to go for the single entrendre.

Bead: Someday, God will punish Carter for sins against English. I know
it'll happen.

[Scully says Hi. We don't dig it.]
Elf: Kick him to the curb, girlfriend!

Austin: Boot his unworthy behind into outer space!

Bead: Why him, Scully? Just slam the door and move away from the scrawny
little psycho.

Elf: I don't know. It's a mystery.

[Mulder in the background, the scene continues]
Austin: Ahh! This music is like the annoying 2 note theme in Eyes Wide

Elf: And "How Will it End" is so stolen from The Truman Show.

Bead: What a sneaky, scary, crazy bastard.

Elf: Padgett.

Bead: (shrugs) Among others, I guess.

Austin: Of course she has her piece! She's Scully!

Elf: Damn right! 

[Padgett's line: "It's a view only a writer can appreciate"]
Bead: I'm a writer and that view still sucks ass.

Elf: And I'm a desk elf and he's still got about as much mojo as Dr. Evil.
Actually, that's an insult to Dr. Evil.

[Mulder pops in with a gun]
Austin: So, they may not be doing the naked pretzel, but still!

Bead: They're very comfortable and protective towards each other, Austin.

Elf: Yeah, it's warm baths, date movies, and his and her sigs in the MSR

Austin: My heart will go on for those crazy kids, I tell you. Vive la

Elf: Freak.

[More Padgett and Mulder yapping]
Bead: This was done much more effectively on Buffy when Alyson Hannigan
played herself twice.

Austin: And I hate to admit it, but El Mundo Gira already stole their
fire. Two Mary Sues, one object of worship....    

Elf: Trouble. Like, when did Scully care about the Bill of Rights?

[Padgett yapping to Mulder and Scully and that VERY UNSUBTLE LINE]
Elf: Look! What a shock! Padgett has man pain!

Austin: I thought it was the pain of treating your mother tongue like

Bead: No kidding. Did I ever mention I have sibling pain?

Elf: Only about ten thousand times.

[Padgett talks to his creation]
Austin: This is so meta-fic, pseudo-philosophical and silly.

Elf: Bead, you don't do this, do you?

Bead: Uh... not on network TV.

Elf: But... wait. We're your characters. And you talk to us.

Austin: Yeah. Oh, GOD! We're Phillip Padgett and the Stranger!

Elf: Oh my GOD! I want to die! Uncreate me immediately!

Bead: You guys, you're much cooler than "The Stranger" because... well,
I'm better at this than Padgett is. Plus, I gave you MY tips when I
created you. 

Elf: Which were?

Bead: To be an effective lit/writing creation: make 'em itch, make 'em
cry, make 'em laugh, and have LOTS of sex. Oh, and never forget that
English is a beautiful language.

Elf: You are SO wise.

[Scully has her moments in El Bleeding Blouse]
Elf: I sense evil.

Bead: Big?

Elf: Biggest.

Austin: I'll get Mulder ONE SECOND before disaster strikes. And donuts.

Elf: Remember, I'm the one who wants jelly in the mix.

Bead: Oh, look! The Stranger wants her heart! Owwieee!

Austin: Check the level of metaphor. Note also the subtlety-o-meter is at
a big ZERO.

Bead: It's the blouse. I tell you, she must have gotten laid in the
blouse. It's why she won't get rid of it.

Austin: Her drycleaner's "Ancient Chinese Secret" must be a total X-File.

Elf: Awww, look! Mulder looks all weepy! 

Bead: If Scully's breasts were touching you, wouldn't you be weepy, too?

["A Story can have only one true ending"]
Bead: Actually, that's a load of nonsense. Read some literary theory,

Austin: Bead, remember, they're just not that bright, 1013. It's all about
buying them some Cliffs Notes.

Elf: Yep, just sum it up, and leave Stanley Fish for the nice useless
folks like you.

Bead: Fine. Stalking bad. Dripping hearts bad. Blouse bad. Prose bad.
Scully good. Fire bad, tree pretty....

And that's a wrap!

My Two Dads
The elves and I disclaim that yes, we did just get through a massive
Tolkien set, so there is a reason for all the refs.

And now.... the review.

[Previously on The X-Files]
Austin: Five years of stuff happens.

Bead: With goo, rebels, and aliens. Oh my!

Elf: And we note, it mostly sucked ass and made NO sense.

[They cut Cassandra, but the Euro-Abductee stays sealed!]
Austin: Well, I hope she never wants a tummy tuck.

Bead: Damnation. Incompetent Syndicate doctors. Didn't you know you were
supposed to fail? Only in failure can true success be found!

Elf: Old friend, my ass. What he got there is physical proof of the
mastery of science!

Austin: And the burning stick deal.

Bead: (pondering) Yo, what is with the burny stick deal? It takes time,
leaves carcasses, and is mysterious. Inefficient weaponry at best. Why not
use Jedi mind powers?

[Private Time w/CSM]
Austin: This is the end, my beautiful friend--

Elf: If you consider Diana beauitful.

Bead: Is it just me, or did CSM just confess all their mistakes are
because they're about as bright as Fox Mulder?

Austin: Not if they're running the PERFECT conspiracy.

Bead: It makes you REALLY hope they never run an imperfect one, doesn't

[Pan to the Spud, Dauphin to the Evil Empire]
Elf: Oh, look. It's Daddy's Pride and Joy. Poor Daddy. What do you say
about a boy like this? Jeffy is very dedicated?

Bead: Er, Jeffy is very good at loafing on the taxpayer's pay? Jeffy is
very good at acting dumb?

Austin: Acting?

[The Spud finds out about his long-lost Mommy, whom he never really 
appeared to like much anyway.]
Elf: Where is my mommy? Moooooommmmmmmy! Mommmmmmy, I want you RIGHT NOW!

Bead: (Cassy) Oh, it's you. Do I know you?

Elf: And I've been sitting here in a train car for a year. Dumbass son.
Why can't I have a child like Fox Mulder? Or Danny Bonaduce? Or that
little kid from the Sixth Sense?

Austin: I have a question.

Bead: Yes?

Austin: Why does she want Mulder?

Elf: Two words: cabin fever.

[Back to CSM, CGB Spender, what-ever]
Austin: It was at this point I realized my son was, tragically, about as
bright as your neighborhood potted plant. And it was too late to ask my
other dedicated, evil son-- Ben Stiller.

Bead: Ben Stiller is the son of Rico?

Elf: Yeah. Last week you said it was Pierce Brosnan. Make up your mind,
[Mulder Got Game]
Austin: Are you and Danielle going to sue 1013 for that one?

Bead: Not after they rewrote it for television. (shudder)

Austin: Poor Bead. Always plagiarized badly-- or did you not see that
blurb in EW about "Austin Powers 3-- Bride of Mini-Me?"

Bead: Shut UP, Austin.

["I just want the truth!" "The truth is out there!"]
Elf: Trust no one!

Austin: Resist or serve!

Elf: Would you like fries with that?

Bead: Take your head out of your-- hey hey!

Austin: You're telling me Cassy is a success? Is this because of the Emmy

Bead: No. It is because she is now "The One."

Elf: You mean like the One Ring?

Austin: Well, this would be similar to the land of Mordor where the
shadows lie. Though Cassy would be hard to wear or call precious.

[The Old Consortium Homeboy Gets Iced]
Bead: Needing new blood in the Syndicate much?

Elf: What the HELL? Couldn't this old dude, like--

Austin: Slam the door?

Elf: Get bodyguards?

Bead: That would require intelligence. Remember?

[See Mulder. See Mulder sulk. Sulk Mulder sulk.]
Austin: You know, didn't we see the charred corpse thing before? Wasn't it
in Mars Attacks? Didn't that movie have Natalie Portman?

Bead: But dude, that movie was hella lame!

Elf: Well, so are these charbroiled corpses!

Bead: Check the Scully. She's out for justice, taking no prisoners.

Elf: Though failing to kick Mulder's punk ass to the curb.

Austin: Go, girl!

[It's green-- jello.]
Elf: Hey, anyone remember this band? Didn't they do a song about the three
little pigs and then Jello made them be Green Jelly?

Bead: Who cares? I'm wondering if Dana and Cassy sang Kumbaya in the

Austin: Naw. I'm placing my bets on Closer to Fine.

Elf: Check it out! It's a miracle! She can walk!

[Cassy and Dana and Mulder end up talking]
Bead: So then, Lord Kinbote pulled out that twenty and--

Austin: That was before the body shots off Han Solo, might I add--

Elf: Sigh. Why is Mulder everyone's favorite confessionary person? Because
their secret is safe with him?

Bead: I don't know. What I do know is that the doctors and the aliens work

Austin: And they're ALL evil.

Elf: In fact, they're the Founders, come to the destroy the Alpha

Bead: Except the Founders and cool and complex and have the Jem'Hadar.

Austin: And, to finish up-- my son is a dumbass. His dad is evil.

Elf: EVIL! Like the fruits of the devil!

Bead: Dude, could CSM stop with this Mike Wallace exclusive thing?

Austin: You know, Fowley would have killed Cassandra.

Elf: Without blinking.

Bead: Well, dude, like his friends, CSM is old.

[Krycek. Nuff said.]
Elf: Check him out! It's Professional Eurotrash Alex!

Bead: Complete with leopard-print underwear action.

Austin: CGB, your new man at the FBI couldn't divert a paper clip.

Elf: Mmm. How I enjoy the prowling of Professional Eurotrash Krycek. He's
sexy and he seems to know what the HELL is going on.

Bead: Unlike, say, everyone else?

[Mulder and Scully, after years of searching, suddenly ucover CSM's name]
Austin: Well, that was unexpectedly simple. Talk about dumb things you
should have done before.

Bead: And talk about capitally stupid places to look stuff up. Looks like
that chip disengaged Scully's brain again!

Elf: Mulder! Flip that little snotnose rugrat the bird! NOW! You god
damned wuss!        

[Look! It's the Daddy and Jeffy bonding scene we ALWAYS wanted!]
Austin: Hey! Old dude! Mulder's partner has a NAME!

Bead: And unlike most everyone else, DOES something in this episode
besides wail and whine!

Elf: Jeffy thinks he's entitled? Him? My ass.

Bead: I need to know!

Austin: You need to shut your wordhole!

Elf: And you know your character is cannon fodder when you wish you were
Fox Mulder. That's truly sad.

[Scully works. Mulder does squat. Well, not Squat. But nothing.]
Bead: Oh-ho. You wanna go 1 on 1? In my Ewok Village 2000 clubhouse?

Austin: Actually, I think she wants him to PAY ATTENTION.

Elf: No, really?

Bead: Oh, no. Daddy Mulder worked for the bad men for many years?

Austin: Daddy Mulder was a friend of Smokey? Samantha got taken by the bad

Elf: And Scully looks pretty tasty tonight.

Bead: Oh. Are we stating the obvious here? 

["One last hope"]
Elf: Which would be Alex. The One Who Doth Not Suck.

Austin: The badass double agent schtick who's a hit with all the chicks.
Krycek! They say that cat Alex is one bad mother--

Bead: Shut your mouth! They're talking about killing with a plam. I will
not kill him with a lamp, I cannot kill him with an amp, I will not kill
him for my dam, I will not kill him, Sam I am.

Austin: Yeah, Spud-Boy an assassin? CSM is *so* slipping.

Bead: It's sad, really. Filial ties are so not a benefit in their

Elf: Hey! You know what? Spender is Wormtongue.

Bead: Making Krycek....

Austin: Saruman?

Elf: No, that's CSM.

Bead: Maybe a sexy Gollum?

Austin: Or the leader of the Nazgul?

[Skinner shows up at Casa de Mulder.... and Scully?]
Elf: Geez. Did they start living together after the movie or something?

Bead: Oh, no way.

Austin: But I sense they are hanging. Bonding over bad Blockbuster

Elf: So why are they yapping?

Bead: 1013 needed filler and we couldn't get the scene where Krycek and
Spender share a tense, taught love scene?

[Back to Alex and Jeff]
Austin: OOOOH, this man is evil. But he is rocking evil.

Elf: Precious, precious, precious!

Austin: Come on, Jeff-- get read so that Big Daddy Alex can show you the
way to reality. Smile. Relax.

[Look who CSM's confessing to!]
Bead: Dude. Quel suckage.

Austin: Look, it's the Jar Jar of the X-Files world. Diana Fowley.

Elf: And the real Wormtongue of the X-Files universe. Dammit.

[Where's your mommy? What? My mommy is missing?]
Austin: Dude, I've changed my mind. Spud-boy is Boromir, and he gets
overwhelmed in the presence of the One Ring-- his mom.

Elf: Okay, concession granted. But here's the real question. Why are
Mulder and Scully living together now? And why in his apartment?

Austin: My guess is that it's for the waterbed.

Bead: And my guess is that Mulder will puss out before killing Cassy, thus
giving us fodder for the...

[To Be Continued]
Elf: Two parter? Why?

Austin: Because it's Full Disclosure.

Elf: I don't want Full Disclosure! I want 3 feet of Krycek ass!

Bead: Be brave, little Elf. Next week, I hear they barbecue almost

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