Okay, so I borrowed Pilgrim's Lenny joke, but it's been warped onto my fragile little mind... [The Teaser] Bead: How many roads must Scully walk down... Austin: Before she's all a-tingle? Elf: Forty-two! Bead: Don't you get that's a rhetorical question? Elf: Do I get rhetorical? Austin: Yeah, the way Scully gets sex... or out of the car. Elf: Or a normal life.... with Mulder. Come on, I almost heard her say that. Bead: (grins) Cheese it, Mulder! It's the Feds! Where are our Mentos? Austin: They're FBI. Like the CIA but somehow less cool. ["There are no such thing as flying saucers..."] Elf: And the tundra wasn't frozen on the way to Winter Park, neither. Bead: But there was a light... and then I was Lenny! Austin: And then Lenny stole my girl. Now that was wack. [Mulder just lets Fletcher drive away] Elf: You better not do anything with her! It's Mulder's job to not do things with Scully! Bead: Hey, this one guy reminds me way of Spender. Is it possible they're cousins? Maybe this guy is the son of Rico's brother, Rico Slightly-Less-Suave-Than-Rico Suave? Austin: Oh. I just thought he was Screech. Elf: you do have ID, dont'cha? You didn't trade it for, like, porno, did you? [Mulder sees himself and realizes what's happened.] Bead: My face! My precious face! Austin: I'll never mock my nose again, God! Just give me back my face! I'm sorry! I'm sorry I mocked prison sex! I'm sorry! [Morris' Picture Wall] (Our intrepid trio stares at each other) Bead: Riiiiggght. Elf: This guy should have been in the South Park Movie. Austin: Yeah, and where is his obligatory picture with, oh, Libby Dole? George W. Bush? Bill Gates? The public has a right to know! ["Are you okay, Mulder?"] Austin: Never been flyer... for a white guy. Elf: I switched bodies with a sex symbol... on the next Ricki Lake. Bead: Hey, he called her DANA! No! No! Don't make me get the taser, Morris! No Dana. ["Let's go home."] Bead: I hate to repeat myself, but.... Austin: Riiiigghht. Elf: They work in Area 51 and they carpool? [Mulder discovers Domestic Bliss... or is that the Domestic Carceral?] Bead: Oh, look. Mulder went to hell. Serves him right for cutting his hair like that. Austin: And look what he settles on. Skinemax. I am stunned and surprised. Elf: Talk about beating a horse until the maggots are dead. [Boring non-M/S scene with plot and stuff] Bead: Sir, we found the co-pilot. Austin: He's a rock now. Elf: (sings) I am a rock, I am an island... Bead: And yo, that pilot? He's not the pilot. Austin: But if you leave a message, he may dial you back using 1-800-The Great Beyond. [Further Adventures of Lenny and Scully] Bead: Okay, puhlease. Mulder is easily lost. Austin: But everything else... Elf: I detect that Scully's chip just erased her brain again. I mean, HELLO? Bead: Yeah. This guy is attached to Kersh's butt like he was a Hoover. Hello, Scully? Austin: And where is your fashion sense, too? Elf: I do believe she traded it for... Pez? Bead: Oh, look at Scully being jealous. Or maybe she's just trying to remind not-Mulder they don't threesome after that Marita incident. [Mulder in Hell, Part 6] Austin: He wakes up moaning her name? Whatever. Elf: Hey, I like it. He's gone to hell. Where they have minivans. And possibly Ewoks. Bead: And sullen teens. He deserves this. Austin: Why? Elf: Herrenvolk. Bead: Poetic justice. Elf: The hair. Bead: We could go on. ["Baby, be the hole..."] Bead: Scully, you have entered the Mulder Zone, population you. Austin: You mean she ever left? Elf: Ohhh, jeez. Collective groan as we're realizing that this ep is supposed to make us appreciate Mulder as Scully deals with Morris "Lawsuit Pending" Fletcher. ["Turn around, big guy..."] Bead: Turn around, bright eyes.... Austin: Every now and then he falls apart! Elf: Old dude, be the floor. Be the floor. Bead: You know, Cousin Weasel is getting on my nerves. He's like evil Jeffy. Jeffy without a soul. Poor dead Jeffy. Austin: I guess Rico's brother, Rico-Slightly-Less-Than-Suave, was not much on manners. [The luncheon quickie with Prancy Galore] Elf: Oh, that tears it. Bead: Scully gets to play Doctor with Skinner next time. Austin: Um, you mean she never thought of examining him before? Mulder, I mean. Even when he's himself, I mean... Elf: Oh, sure she did. But nice girls don't, you see... [Mulder in Hell, Part 21.5] Bead: Gee, Joanne, no duh you're in a farce! Austin: Swift as an arrow, sharp as a tack. Elf: Who is Scully? Well... she's the platonic love-monkey I don't have sex with either. [Scully appears] Bead: Uh, Mulder, you SUCK! "Err, I switched bodies..." Austin: And I'm still swift like Speedy Gonzales. Bee pollen? Elf: Mulder couldn't convince butter to churn. [Showdown in the Quick-E-Mart] Bead: Whoah. Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Austin: Scully is possibly the worst patsy I've ever seen. Elf: She's screaming "guilt!" and it doesn't play well. Bead: Scully, dear God, find your brain. Mulder is like me. Real smart and stuff, but about as organized and villanous as your average closet. Austin: Hey, what? It's To Be Continued? Are we being punished? Bead/Elf: Yes. [Fade Out]
[The Teaster: Padgett, Writer's Block, and A Big Dripping Heart. Keen.] Bead: He's a man, with a typewriter. A tough, manly, struggling American writer. A true invidualist. Elf: Because writers don't use them fancy-pants compewters in the Carterverse. Except to find porn on the Net. Austin: Shh!!!! I'm *learning* here. I think this might be how Chris Carter handles writer's block. Bead: Well, minus the fart jokes, nudie magazines, and male bonding. Elf: Hey! Check the writer expo-saying his heart. Austin: I think it's a metaphor. A big, dripping metaphor. [Scully and Padgett in the elelator.] Bead: Good God Damn. I think I'd have to ogle that outfit, too. Austin: Where did they get this cameraman? Triple X Land? Elf: I can't listen to Mulder and Scully anymore. They're so thirtysomething sometimes I can't believe people don't think they're having sex. Conversely, I don't believe people obsess over them either. Austin: I do. They're eminently edible. Bead: Yeah, I guess. Blehh, Padget is such Another Carter Mary Sue. Get your ego out of the characters, Chris! Elf: Yes, but at least this one is Chris' Evil Mary Sue, so he can stalk Scully to his heart's content. [The "Teen" Couple in the Car] Austin: Oh, this guy is from the 90210 school of Teen Actors. Bead: Otherwise known as Arthur Fonzarella Syndrome. Elf: Yeah, and the "Stranger" (oh, it's SO Camus, the world is an existential black hole so why should I care I might stick a fork down my black-turtlenecked and beret-wearing throat) must hate that the way we do. Austin: Yeah, that kid is 16 when Mulder has good hair.... aw, damn it. Elf: Is it just me, or is this lovingly voyeuristic camera work giving you a wiggins in a creepy way, too? [Padgett starts talking prose] Bead: (rocking back and forth) Oh, my dear God in the heavens above! Make it stop! Please for the love of tic-tacs and Scully's bra, make him STOP! Austin: There there, my sweet little writer who also happens to be a lit student. The bad man will go to jail soon. Bead: But not Chris Carter! And ultimately, this is his terrible prose! He's hurting the English language! I can hear it cry out in pain! Elf: Not to mention this overwraught crap with the chicka chicka wow wow camera work... it's so lowbudget I'm expecting Heather Donahue to start screaming soon. [Scully in the Church with her Stalker] Bead: Did no one ever teach Mr. Padgett that stalking is not only a crime, it's really creepy and unflattering and chicks don't dig it? Austin: To hell with Padgett-- did anyone teach Chris Carter? Elf: Could they not afford Sean Penn, cuz I swear that's who this guy is. Bead: Why don't attractive men ever sidle up to Scully? Austin: The Mary Sues of Carter cannot allow this to occur. She is their High Virgin Goddess. Bead: It's so damn scary! Stalking is not love! Damn 1013! Damn them all to robot hell! Elf: This guy claims this is a SECRET attraction? Bead: That's it, I need the combat boots. [The Autopsy] Austin: She's even wearing a black shirt? Own you no color in your wardrobe, woman? Bead: Dude, Mulder, you better get it in gear. The writer guy have a corny jones for your woman. Elf: Yes, and it's frightening in an arousing way, apparently. [Mulder and Padgett Chat] Bead: Kick his ass, Mulder! Kick his ass! Austin: Oh, God, what a pair of pansies. Elf: The Man Pain Quotient here could sink a tanker. Austin: Or choke a chicken. [More Padgett Prose as we try to prevent our large intenstines from leaping up and strangling us in an attempt to save us] Elf: Become aroused? Why, did she meet a nice fireman on the way home? Bead: Cuz God knows Mulder and Padgett are damper instruments than Scully. Austin: Good Lord, could this prose be any more self-impressed? Elf: Prick? Twinge? Way to go for the single entrendre. Bead: Someday, God will punish Carter for sins against English. I know it'll happen. [Scully says Hi. We don't dig it.] Elf: Kick him to the curb, girlfriend! Austin: Boot his unworthy behind into outer space! Bead: Why him, Scully? Just slam the door and move away from the scrawny little psycho. Elf: I don't know. It's a mystery. [Mulder in the background, the scene continues] Austin: Ahh! This music is like the annoying 2 note theme in Eyes Wide Shut! Elf: And "How Will it End" is so stolen from The Truman Show. Bead: What a sneaky, scary, crazy bastard. Elf: Padgett. Bead: (shrugs) Among others, I guess. Austin: Of course she has her piece! She's Scully! Elf: Damn right! [Padgett's line: "It's a view only a writer can appreciate"] Bead: I'm a writer and that view still sucks ass. Elf: And I'm a desk elf and he's still got about as much mojo as Dr. Evil. Actually, that's an insult to Dr. Evil. [Mulder pops in with a gun] Austin: So, they may not be doing the naked pretzel, but still! Bead: They're very comfortable and protective towards each other, Austin. Elf: Yeah, it's warm baths, date movies, and his and her sigs in the MSR world. Austin: My heart will go on for those crazy kids, I tell you. Vive la romance. Elf: Freak. [More Padgett and Mulder yapping] Bead: This was done much more effectively on Buffy when Alyson Hannigan played herself twice. Austin: And I hate to admit it, but El Mundo Gira already stole their fire. Two Mary Sues, one object of worship.... Elf: Trouble. Like, when did Scully care about the Bill of Rights? [Padgett yapping to Mulder and Scully and that VERY UNSUBTLE LINE] Elf: Look! What a shock! Padgett has man pain! Austin: I thought it was the pain of treating your mother tongue like that. Bead: No kidding. Did I ever mention I have sibling pain? Elf: Only about ten thousand times. [Padgett talks to his creation] Austin: This is so meta-fic, pseudo-philosophical and silly. Elf: Bead, you don't do this, do you? Bead: Uh... not on network TV. Elf: But... wait. We're your characters. And you talk to us. Austin: Yeah. Oh, GOD! We're Phillip Padgett and the Stranger! Elf: Oh my GOD! I want to die! Uncreate me immediately! Bead: You guys, you're much cooler than "The Stranger" because... well, I'm better at this than Padgett is. Plus, I gave you MY tips when I created you. Elf: Which were? Bead: To be an effective lit/writing creation: make 'em itch, make 'em cry, make 'em laugh, and have LOTS of sex. Oh, and never forget that English is a beautiful language. Elf: You are SO wise. [Scully has her moments in El Bleeding Blouse] Elf: I sense evil. Bead: Big? Elf: Biggest. Austin: I'll get Mulder ONE SECOND before disaster strikes. And donuts. Elf: Remember, I'm the one who wants jelly in the mix. Bead: Oh, look! The Stranger wants her heart! Owwieee! Austin: Check the level of metaphor. Note also the subtlety-o-meter is at a big ZERO. Bead: It's the blouse. I tell you, she must have gotten laid in the blouse. It's why she won't get rid of it. Austin: Her drycleaner's "Ancient Chinese Secret" must be a total X-File. Elf: Awww, look! Mulder looks all weepy! Bead: If Scully's breasts were touching you, wouldn't you be weepy, too? ["A Story can have only one true ending"] Bead: Actually, that's a load of nonsense. Read some literary theory, DAMMIT! Austin: Bead, remember, they're just not that bright, 1013. It's all about buying them some Cliffs Notes. Elf: Yep, just sum it up, and leave Stanley Fish for the nice useless folks like you. Bead: Fine. Stalking bad. Dripping hearts bad. Blouse bad. Prose bad. Scully good. Fire bad, tree pretty.... And that's a wrap!
The elves and I disclaim that yes, we did just get through a massive
Tolkien set, so there is a reason for all the refs.
And now.... the review.
[Previously on The X-Files]
Austin: Five years of stuff happens.
Bead: With goo, rebels, and aliens. Oh my!
Elf: And we note, it mostly sucked ass and made NO sense.
[They cut Cassandra, but the Euro-Abductee stays sealed!]
Austin: Well, I hope she never wants a tummy tuck.
Bead: Damnation. Incompetent Syndicate doctors. Didn't you know you were
supposed to fail? Only in failure can true success be found!
Elf: Old friend, my ass. What he got there is physical proof of the
mastery of science!
Austin: And the burning stick deal.
Bead: (pondering) Yo, what is with the burny stick deal? It takes time,
leaves carcasses, and is mysterious. Inefficient weaponry at best. Why not
use Jedi mind powers?
[Private Time w/CSM]
Austin: This is the end, my beautiful friend--
Elf: If you consider Diana beauitful.
Bead: Is it just me, or did CSM just confess all their mistakes are
because they're about as bright as Fox Mulder?
Austin: Not if they're running the PERFECT conspiracy.
Bead: It makes you REALLY hope they never run an imperfect one, doesn't
[Pan to the Spud, Dauphin to the Evil Empire]
Elf: Oh, look. It's Daddy's Pride and Joy. Poor Daddy. What do you say
about a boy like this? Jeffy is very dedicated?
Bead: Er, Jeffy is very good at loafing on the taxpayer's pay? Jeffy is
very good at acting dumb?
[The Spud finds out about his long-lost Mommy, whom he never really
appeared to like much anyway.]
Elf: Where is my mommy? Moooooommmmmmmy! Mommmmmmy, I want you RIGHT NOW!
Bead: (Cassy) Oh, it's you. Do I know you?
Elf: And I've been sitting here in a train car for a year. Dumbass son.
Why can't I have a child like Fox Mulder? Or Danny Bonaduce? Or that
little kid from the Sixth Sense?
Austin: I have a question.
Austin: Why does she want Mulder?
Elf: Two words: cabin fever.
[Back to CSM, CGB Spender, what-ever]
Austin: It was at this point I realized my son was, tragically, about as
bright as your neighborhood potted plant. And it was too late to ask my
other dedicated, evil son-- Ben Stiller.
Bead: Ben Stiller is the son of Rico?
Elf: Yeah. Last week you said it was Pierce Brosnan. Make up your mind,
[Mulder Got Game]
Austin: Are you and Danielle going to sue 1013 for that one?
Bead: Not after they rewrote it for television. (shudder)
Austin: Poor Bead. Always plagiarized badly-- or did you not see that
blurb in EW about "Austin Powers 3-- Bride of Mini-Me?"
Bead: Shut UP, Austin.
["I just want the truth!" "The truth is out there!"]
Elf: Trust no one!
Austin: Resist or serve!
Elf: Would you like fries with that?
Bead: Take your head out of your-- hey hey!
Austin: You're telling me Cassy is a success? Is this because of the Emmy
Bead: No. It is because she is now "The One."
Elf: You mean like the One Ring?
Austin: Well, this would be similar to the land of Mordor where the
shadows lie. Though Cassy would be hard to wear or call precious.
[The Old Consortium Homeboy Gets Iced]
Bead: Needing new blood in the Syndicate much?
Elf: What the HELL? Couldn't this old dude, like--
Austin: Slam the door?
Elf: Get bodyguards?
Bead: That would require intelligence. Remember?
[See Mulder. See Mulder sulk. Sulk Mulder sulk.]
Austin: You know, didn't we see the charred corpse thing before? Wasn't it
in Mars Attacks? Didn't that movie have Natalie Portman?
Bead: But dude, that movie was hella lame!
Elf: Well, so are these charbroiled corpses!
Bead: Check the Scully. She's out for justice, taking no prisoners.
Elf: Though failing to kick Mulder's punk ass to the curb.
Austin: Go, girl!
[It's green-- jello.]
Elf: Hey, anyone remember this band? Didn't they do a song about the three
little pigs and then Jello made them be Green Jelly?
Bead: Who cares? I'm wondering if Dana and Cassy sang Kumbaya in the
Austin: Naw. I'm placing my bets on Closer to Fine.
Elf: Check it out! It's a miracle! She can walk!
[Cassy and Dana and Mulder end up talking]
Bead: So then, Lord Kinbote pulled out that twenty and--
Austin: That was before the body shots off Han Solo, might I add--
Elf: Sigh. Why is Mulder everyone's favorite confessionary person? Because
their secret is safe with him?
Bead: I don't know. What I do know is that the doctors and the aliens work
Austin: And they're ALL evil.
Elf: In fact, they're the Founders, come to the destroy the Alpha
Bead: Except the Founders and cool and complex and have the Jem'Hadar.
Austin: And, to finish up-- my son is a dumbass. His dad is evil.
Elf: EVIL! Like the fruits of the devil!
Bead: Dude, could CSM stop with this Mike Wallace exclusive thing?
Austin: You know, Fowley would have killed Cassandra.
Elf: Without blinking.
Bead: Well, dude, like his friends, CSM is old.
[Krycek. Nuff said.]
Elf: Check him out! It's Professional Eurotrash Alex!
Bead: Complete with leopard-print underwear action.
Austin: CGB, your new man at the FBI couldn't divert a paper clip.
Elf: Mmm. How I enjoy the prowling of Professional Eurotrash Krycek. He's
sexy and he seems to know what the HELL is going on.
Bead: Unlike, say, everyone else?
[Mulder and Scully, after years of searching, suddenly ucover CSM's name]
Austin: Well, that was unexpectedly simple. Talk about dumb things you
should have done before.
Bead: And talk about capitally stupid places to look stuff up. Looks like
that chip disengaged Scully's brain again!
Elf: Mulder! Flip that little snotnose rugrat the bird! NOW! You god
[Look! It's the Daddy and Jeffy bonding scene we ALWAYS wanted!]
Austin: Hey! Old dude! Mulder's partner has a NAME!
Bead: And unlike most everyone else, DOES something in this episode
besides wail and whine!
Elf: Jeffy thinks he's entitled? Him? My ass.
Bead: I need to know!
Austin: You need to shut your wordhole!
Elf: And you know your character is cannon fodder when you wish you were
Fox Mulder. That's truly sad.
[Scully works. Mulder does squat. Well, not Squat. But nothing.]
Bead: Oh-ho. You wanna go 1 on 1? In my Ewok Village 2000 clubhouse?
Austin: Actually, I think she wants him to PAY ATTENTION.
Elf: No, really?
Bead: Oh, no. Daddy Mulder worked for the bad men for many years?
Austin: Daddy Mulder was a friend of Smokey? Samantha got taken by the bad
Elf: And Scully looks pretty tasty tonight.
Bead: Oh. Are we stating the obvious here?
["One last hope"]
Elf: Which would be Alex. The One Who Doth Not Suck.
Austin: The badass double agent schtick who's a hit with all the chicks.
Krycek! They say that cat Alex is one bad mother--
Bead: Shut your mouth! They're talking about killing with a plam. I will
not kill him with a lamp, I cannot kill him with an amp, I will not kill
him for my dam, I will not kill him, Sam I am.
Austin: Yeah, Spud-Boy an assassin? CSM is *so* slipping.
Bead: It's sad, really. Filial ties are so not a benefit in their
Elf: Hey! You know what? Spender is Wormtongue.
Bead: Making Krycek....
Elf: No, that's CSM.
Bead: Maybe a sexy Gollum?
Austin: Or the leader of the Nazgul?
[Skinner shows up at Casa de Mulder.... and Scully?]
Elf: Geez. Did they start living together after the movie or something?
Bead: Oh, no way.
Austin: But I sense they are hanging. Bonding over bad Blockbuster
Elf: So why are they yapping?
Bead: 1013 needed filler and we couldn't get the scene where Krycek and
Spender share a tense, taught love scene?
[Back to Alex and Jeff]
Austin: OOOOH, this man is evil. But he is rocking evil.
Elf: Precious, precious, precious!
Austin: Come on, Jeff-- get read so that Big Daddy Alex can show you the
way to reality. Smile. Relax.
[Look who CSM's confessing to!]
Bead: Dude. Quel suckage.
Austin: Look, it's the Jar Jar of the X-Files world. Diana Fowley.
Elf: And the real Wormtongue of the X-Files universe. Dammit.
[Where's your mommy? What? My mommy is missing?]
Austin: Dude, I've changed my mind. Spud-boy is Boromir, and he gets
overwhelmed in the presence of the One Ring-- his mom.
Elf: Okay, concession granted. But here's the real question. Why are
Mulder and Scully living together now? And why in his apartment?
Austin: My guess is that it's for the waterbed.
Bead: And my guess is that Mulder will puss out before killing Cassy, thus
giving us fodder for the...
[To Be Continued]
Elf: Two parter? Why?
Austin: Because it's Full Disclosure.
Elf: I don't want Full Disclosure! I want 3 feet of Krycek ass!
Bead: Be brave, little Elf. Next week, I hear they barbecue almost