So Many Fathers-- Just ONE SON

Okay, we apologize in advance that this review is none too funny. But this episode is terribly painful, in our defense, and it was hard to be snappy.

[Mulder's opening voiceover]
Bead: Burn that hair! Burn it now!

Austin: Theirs was the dawning of-- the Age of Aquarius.

Elf: Or the age of the Lizard Alien.

Bead: Please explain to me if bad hair is a Consortium employment requirement.

Austin: Let me see-- bad hair, man pain, and cryptic high-toned babble. Maybe that's what's up with Mulder's season six hair.


[Previously on the X-Files]
Elf: Might I just mention, as we return from break, that I HATE the Gap?

Austin: Hey, wait-- didn't this go in the wrong place this week?

Bead: Maybe, but I knock nothing where we get to see Jeffy take a pimp-slap.


["Shoot me now!"]
Elf: I second that!

Austin: Yeah, and shoot me dead, you moron!

Bead: Grr. Mytharc Mulder and Scully, I swear to God, must smoke up before they act. How else could they be SO incredibly stupid?

Austin: Ohh, maybe it's this contagion. Though I would think the contagion is more likely Manpainius Amongus.


[The Decon Shower and Peep Show]

Elf: Mulder had too much man pain to check the goodies. Look at him! Scully, however, gets kinda horny when she's pissed off--

Bead: And she was hella pissed to start with.

Austin: Yeah, and with the sleek arrival of Diana, "I just ate a baby and Mulder believes everything I say" Fowley, I think the horny/pissed factor just hit tilt. Especially considering Scully knows her own designer outfit met the incinerator today.

Bead: Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

Elf: Oh, come on, Fowley's going to beg? Shyeah, what-EVAH.

Austin: To repeat Bead: Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

Elf: Yeah! Throw a chair at that well-dressed hoochie mama's liposuctioned ass, Scully! Give her the bitchslapping of a lifetime! Don't make me come in the TV and do it!

Austin: And enough with this "The One" business! You all weren't destined to wield it, so get OVER it!


[Professional Eurotrash Alex takin' care of business, yet again.]
Elf: I must say, he's brighter than the average homeboy. By about fifty IQ points.

Austin: They act like Bill Mulder was the Messiah, when in actuality, THEY HAD HIM KILLED! Buy a clue, old dudes! Jeez!

Bead: Oy, can I please have some Rolaids now?


[Jerry Lewis!Mulder meets an old flame]
Elf: Lady! Hey layyydy! Check it out, they LOVE me in France-- lady!

Austin: Oh, poor Marita. Remember when people used to hate her?

Bead: Yeah, really. And I mean, what haven't they done to Marita? Except for mad cow disease.

Austin: Yeah, but she'd be a real hit on the Goth circuit.

Elf: She's the first, she's the One, she's so lovely-- this episode sucks. Change it!


[Jeffy and Cassy talk]
Bead: Wait, this could be fun. Theoretically.

Austin: Yeah, cuz Cassy knows Diana Fowley is Daddy's ho.

Elf: Also, she knows Jeffy ain't quite right.

Bead: I love it. Kill me, you pompous son of a--


[Take my hand-- we're off to Lone Gunmen-land]
Elf: I wonder if they drink Coke or Pepsi.

Austin: Who cares? Look at Scully! All she needs is a little beret and she's Scully de Beauvoir!

Bead: Whoah, Mulder is like, the world's biggest tool.

Austin: Well, remember when we originally watched this episode?

Bead: On tape over Five Happiness on my birthday when I was wearing the crown?

Austin: Yes. Remember what Sister Bob said--

Bead: About the Austin Powers/X-Files thing where Mr. Kensington was WMM and Diana Fowley was Vanessa Kensington's bastard half-sister?

Austin: No. Remember the "Mulder is like linoleum" joke? I think this is being walked over for the next thirty years in action.

Elf: Yeah, no kidding. Scully, why don't you introduce Mulder to your knee?

Austin: Oh, little Elf, don't you understand? Mulder trusts all he's known.

Bead: In the biblical sense of the word.

Elf: Man, I am SO pissed for Scully. I hope she found a cute Ed after that and just--


[Just the good ol' bras--]
Bead: Man, does this episode ever suck. Can we compare X-Files to the Dukes of Hazzard?

Elf: I would but Scully doesn't-- lingerie fetish?

Austin: Dude, CGB, old chap, you bought her all that lingerie, so you're one to talk.

Bead: Seriously. But CGB just called Mulder a pansy cake-boy. That's kinda schweet.

Austin: And he implied Mulder was a horny silk-panty-wearing cake boy.

Elf: All the Dukes could kick Mulder's sorry ass, by the way. Even Uncle Jesse.

Austin: Roscoe could kick Mulder's ass.

Elf: It was the right thing to do-- and a tasty way to do it.

Bead: By the way, I have concluded The One is actually the alien fetus.

Elf: Though you still couldn't wear it on your finger. Maybe as a hat if you lived in South Park.

Austin: There is something so deeply wrong with a Mulder/CSM tete-a-tete.

Elf: Especially as CSM is lying and Mulder has less spine than a jellyfish.

Bead: Oooh, stop it now or I'll stop it. I'm shaking in my little space boots, Mulder.

Elf: Hey, old dude, don't you ever think Mulder has urges beyond Samantha?

Austin: Yes, old chap, seriously. Or have you noticed his psychotic attachment to THE SMUDGE?


[Back in Gotham...]
Bead: Oooh, Alex waited for Jeffy. How sweet of him!

Austin: Subtext! Subtext!

Elf: Bead, stop drooling on Krycek. His dry-cleaning bill is hell as it is.

Bead: I can't help it. He has a brain, and a tight butt. You could bounce quarters off it.


["The biggest bastard of all"]
Elf: It took ten doctors to shove that needle in Cassy? Yeah, okay.

Bead: I feel your pain, baby.

Austin: CSM is extraordinarily dull when he's human.

Elf: And Cassy is what, exactly?

Austin: Loony as a toon?

Bead: Is it just me, or are they talking in code? This makes no sense.

Elf: Yes, about all I'm getting is that Jeffy is stupid, and he needs to die. And we knew that already.


[Fox and Diana]
Austin: Oh, pass me the Rolaids.

Bead: I so hate her. The catty, evil, trashy--

Elf: Well, at least she's not catastrophically stupid, like Mulder there.

Austin: I don't think you could beat a clue into Mytharc Mulder. Especially not THIS Mytharc Mulder.

Bead: You mean Fatalistic, Nihilistic, Cake-Boy Weenie in Quietus Mulder?

Elf: Yeah, I do-- EWWW!

Austin: Say it with me, ladies-- Ma-ni-pu-la-tive.

Bead: Dude, did that just say El Rico? Like El Rico Suave like goddammit, why do I always get ripped off?

Austin: Um, Bead-- Adrianne came up with Rico Suave. Remember?

Bead: Shut up, Austin.


[Mulder unsuccessfully tries to persuade Scully into quietus. Yeah, right.]
Elf: Okay, there's throwing in the towel, and then there's throwing in the towel, burning it, and convincing the world to follow suit.

Austin: Besides, Scully would go to Hell or Old Navy before she went somewhere alone with Mulder and Fowley. Der, Mulder.

Bead: Well, it's not like we should be cheering the brights of Scully right here, really.

Austin: She has that convenient chip excuse, though.

Bead: But still! Okay, let's SHOOT THE TRAIN to slow it down? Exsqueeze me?

Austin: And let's leave the car on the tracks. I so hope they bought insurance.

Elf: Is it any wonder we're rooting for Krycek and Marita in this one?

Bead: This episode pains me more than watching those heroin-chic Gap zombies singing Mellow Yellow.

Austin: But I still find it less painful than the Old Navy tech-vest bit.

Elf: Agreed.


[El Rico Air Base]
Bead: Why does Mulder want Skinner to go with them to West Virginia?

Elf: Oh, please, Bead. One word: threesome.

Austin: Shut up. No way.

Bead: I don't know, Austin. She has a point.

Elf: Poor Cassandra. So very much like her Trojan namesake.

Austin: No one ever listens to her. Gee, subtle as a brick through the window, Carter-san.

Elf: Look at CSM cover Mulder's pathetic ass. Uh, shots were fired, by like, a PCP gang.


[Alex knows which way the wind blows...]
Bead: Oh, how I love him. He's smart. Unlike-- EVERYONE IN THIS EPISODE!

Austin: Plus, he's full of tres macho animalistic rage, right Bead? Just perfect for you to tame.

Elf: Plus, he's rather lickable in leather.

Bead: Poor Jeffy and Marita.

Elf: Ohh, watch Mari catch on. Good for her.

Austin: In a nutshell. Mari and Alex-- smart. Scully-- spunky. Mulder-- puss. Cassy-- tragic. Everyone else, and especially Jeffy- moronic.


[The Syndicate Crispy-Critter Fries as luvbirds Fowley and CSM get away]
Austin: Oh, hell yes. About damn time.

Elf: This rocks. And it's a convenient way to simplify the mytharc. Just kill 'em all and leave 'em for God to sort out.

Bead: Except for all the innocent dead people.

Elf: (oblivious) Fire! Fire fire fire! Fire!


[Kersh-- finale-- end of this pain-- dude.]
Austin: Oh, look, it's Mars Attacks again. How Carter wishes and cannot be Tim Burton.

Bead: Aww, look at the Jeffy-guilt. It's cute.

Elf: Look, son, Mr. Kersh don't need to hear none of the old crazy agents' jive-talk.

Bead: Oh, look how they redeemed Jeffy. Now he is certainly the sacrificial lamb.

Austin: Hmm, Mulder, are you catching any lessons from that "Don't sleep with the enemy" bit?

Elf: The future is here-- all bets are off--

Bead: Yo quiero Taco Bell--

Austin: And down goes the Jeffenator! We have mytharc blood, and the jealous ratings gods are appeased for a while.

Elf: Jeffrey Spender, the X-Files Year King.

Bead: Guys, we've read way too much Marion Zimmer Bradley this week.

Elf: Yep. Hey, can we watch something that DOESN'T suck now?

Bead: Amen to that. Cruel Intentions?

Elf: You know what I like--

Cut, print, feed to alligators.

Pusher-It, Dah Dah Dah Dah, Oh, Pusher-It, Pusher-It Real Good!

["Let's get this show on the road"]
Bead: Damn right!

Austin: Hey, isn't that big cop Dennis Franz?

Elf: No, it's Frank Burst, cousin of Hugh Gass.

Bead: Oh, wow. 

Austin: Ceroolean blue. Ceroolean blue makes you gush and wheeze.

Elf: Ceroooooolean. Oh, wait, it's a TRUCK!

Bead: Ow. Like, run away and stuff.

[Whoah, it's like, multiple dead dudes.]
Austin: Hi, are we sure Frank isn't really Basil Exposition?

Elf: Whoah, check that suit on Scully. Killer.

Bead: No, Pusher.

Austin: Kermit was a good cop and a better frog.

Elf: Cerulean blue is people! PEOPLE! Or is that frogs?

Bead: NIN or? What, does Modell like Nine Inch Nails?

Austin: Ronin? Isn't that a bad action movie with DeNiro?

Elf: You know how Mulder knows this? Porno anime. Five dollars says I'm

[It's Holly, one of like four returning female characters on X-Files ever
and possibly the only one who isn't a bitch]
Bead: Is it just me or is Scully kinda checking her out?

Austin: Oh, puhlease. How does Pusher persuade anyone to suicide?
Seventeen times? We're not all weak-minded suckers out here.

Elf: Well, Scully's strong minded, yet Mulder persuades her to stay with

Bead: Oooh. Check the Mulder, King of Manly Intuition. It is this, and so
it must written and so it must be danced.

[Mulder and Scully in the parking lot]
Austin: Bow chicka bow wow...

Elf: Yes, Mulder, what were you and your "pretty partner" doing? Wink wink
nudge nudge.

Bead: Proving his worth?

Austin: Letting his fingers do the walking?

Elf: On Scully, that is...

Bead: You two! This is worse than the weak OJ joke Pusher just made.

["I need you to do something for me..." Pusher to Holly]
Austin: I need you to change my parking sticker from normal to

Elf: Dude, why do these supervillains always think so small? He has the
FBI database at his disposal, but who does he look up? Mulder. Mulder
Mulder Mulder!

Bead: Hey, Elf? Mulder needs five dollars, seeing as he doesn't have it.
Can he borrow yours?

Elf: No.

["It was all just a drunken phone prank."]
Austin: I thought you still got fined or went to county for that.

Bead: In the Carterverse? No, remember, this is where heroes lose their
jobs for saving lives and the Bill of Rights is optional.

[A Brief Shot of Modell's History]
Elf: He didn't make it into the FBI? You've got to be kidding.

Bead: Yeah, they let Mulder in. Modell must be hella messed up.

Austin: Hey, is this just a cribbed version of Chris Carter's psych profile?

Elf: Hmmm. Well. Maybe.

Bead: What's your "theory" then?

Austin: That you're a psycho and Modell is e-vil....

Elf: He needs to know some things.

Bead: He needs to know where you got the coffee. And the shoes.

Austin: A cup of coffee? Bastard.

Elf: Check it out, more bruises afoot.

Austin: Bam! Go Skinner! Prove bald men are more virile!

Bead: What? When did Skinner become the One? I wasn't told about this! I
think Modell is lying.

["Sir, I'm so sorry..."]
Austin: Sir, please don't fire my ass.

Elf: I'll do anything. Absolutely ANYTHING.

Bead: Dude! Scully is checking her out again!

Elf: Bead, cut down on the crack.

Austin: Speaking of crack-- what's with Mulder's poor hair this episode?

Elf: And that unfortunate beige suit, too, especially after the red one.

Bead: Hey, were there important plot points in that exchange?

Austin: Who cares?

["We know that Modell likes to watch from a distance..."]
Bead: Bow chicka bow wow...

Austin: And we know he's a psycho because he likes the Gap.

Elf: And N'Sync.

Austin: Hmm. Modell wants to go out with a bang?

Elf: Heh heh. More like a burst.

Bead: God! Even Gilligan is such the phallogocentric writer! I'm dying

Elf: Come again?

Austin: Yeah. What she said.

Bead: Er... the writing of man pain. Such is man pain.

Elf: Silent but deadly.

[Ninja!Swat teams at Fairfax Mercy]
Austin: It's kinda nice to see them working with real law enforcement.

Bead: It's also cool to see Mulder not being a *total* ass.

Elf: And it's indeed bitchin' when Scully looks so hot and angsty.

Bead: Very pre-Raph, baby.

Austin: Yeah, baby, yeah.

Elf: Dang, Scully's quick to go off in this one.

Bead: I'm not touching that.

Austin: Hey, residual question? Why does 1013 always go for the brain

Elf: Too much Kindergarten Cop? Who knows?

[A deadly threesome-- no. Not like that. Geez, is that all you can think
Bead: I sense bad.

Austin: Yes, and I sense Modell has had previous experience with

Elf: Snerk. I'm not going there.

Bead: Modell is so full of crap. Japanese warrior my ass.

Austin: It's the fanboy syndrome. One too many Akira movies and BOOM!

Elf: I am that warrior princess. Wanna be Gabrielle, Mulder?

Bead: There can be only one!

Austin: It's the Quickening! Yee-haw!

Elf: Well, it's easy acting for Duchovny. Now, David, expression one and
one point five here...

Bead: Whoah, that was an unexpected hissy fit of extreme force.

Austin: I think it moved Duchovny to expression 1.75 even.

Elf: And so much for that HIGHLY VOLATILE PURE OXYGEN. Must have been a

Bead: Dude, they didn't even play proper Russian roulette. Laaaame.

[The finale scene]
Austin: Oh, you think he'll die, but he'll be back. Nobody ever REALLY
dies on the X-Files.

Elf: Hell, could you see Modell's franchise? Son of Pusher, Bride of
Pusher, Pusher H20.... it could work.

Bead: Oh, don't say that. Just don't.

Austin: You know what? Let's emulate Mulder and Scully, go home, and make
sweet love down by the fire.

Elf and Bead: No.

Austin: Damn.

Fade out.....

Monday Monday... Can't Trust That Day

[The chick who is The One in this episode]
Bead: Oh, look, it's Meg Ryan on crack.

Austin: And can you see the red-shirt in this picture?

Elf (Skinner): What? Let what happen? Disco? Mulder's hair?

[Inside the bank, Mulder is dead.]
Austin: No, wait. He's getting better!

Bead: Yep, the smell of rot is definitely an improvement.

Elf: Does she have time to do the one tear thing before--

[The bank blows up]
Bead: No.

Austin: Actually, that was footage from the movie Independence Day. The
real bomb will be something like that.

[Mulder wakes up. We knew he wasn't dead anyway. I mean, Mulder? Die? What
the hell sort of crack are you smoking? Where can I get some?]
Elf: Man.... what was all that exploding stuff in my dream? It scared the
Swedish Bikini Team away!

Austin: Oh, his bed broke? I thought that was just the wet spot.

Bead: AUSTIN! (pauses) Eww. Does Mulder not have pit hair? Weird.

Elf: You're looking? Bead, find something better to do.

Bead: Okay. Look. Duchovny just gained an extra expression. I think he's
at six now.

Austin: Has Mulder put on weight? I see belly.

Elf: Oh, waah. I'm a whiny puss boy who can't defend my way out of a paper
bag. Waah.

[E&8th and the cheap car and cheaper couple.]
Bead: Gee, is the Charles Manson looking dude the bad guy?

Austin: Couldn't they afford the couple from Pulp Fiction? I would have
dug that. Pumpkin and Honeybunny, that's the couple.

Elf: Hey, didn't we see this episode? Wasn't it Xena: Warrior Princess,
then? Didn't that episode end with 50 hits from the round killing thing
and didn't Xena kill Joxer at one point in it?

["He never did that before..."]
Austin: Maybe he's starting to love me.

Bead: Why won't you love me, David Duchovny?

[Scully gets to enjoy the Meeting from Hell]
Elf: Well, here's strong proof hell is other people.

[Robber Guy Writes Note. Badly, we might add.]
Austin: Yeah, you know what this is.

Bead: A bad robbery?

Elf: Dead Mulder?

Bead: That episode of Star Trek with Kelsey Grammar?

Elf: Steve? Why not Bob?

Bead: Or Mike?

Austin: Or Jimmy Jo Bob Elvis?

Bead: Oops. Time's up. People have to die.

Elf: I guess we'll have to find a new show, eh, Bead?

Bead: Hey, I hear that the Real World needs a cast for next season....

[[Mulder wakes up. Like he actually died. Come on, Mulder? Die?
You've got to be joking, Mulder can't DIE. He's the hero, duh.]
Elf: Man.... what was all that exploding stuff in my dream? I was about
to score with Scully! You bastards!

Austin: Oh, the wetness is his BED. I thought he was just incontinent.

Bead: AUSTIN! (pauses) Eww. Does Mulder not have pit hair? Ick.

Elf: You're looking? Bead, you hella pervert.

Bead: Duchovny just gained an extra expression. I think he's
at four now.

Austin: I'm witnessing pooch. Married life agrees with Duchovny.

Elf: Oh, waah. Look at me, I'm Mulder-dee, dripping with whinerosity!

[E&8th and the cheap car and cheaper couple.]
Bead: Gee, wonder who's the villain here?

Austin: Couldn't they afford the couple from Pulp Fiction? I would have
dug that. Pumpkin and Honeybunny, that's the couple.

Elf: Hey, didn't we see this episode?

Bead: Honey, it's a sf cliche. Time repeating and repeating and repeating
til you just want to take a gun and shoot the TV.

[Philosophical Banter during a meeting break]
Elf: Hey, I thought that jacket was black.

Austin: It was never black. It did look somewhat charcoal at one point.

Bead: But that's clearly navy. Maybe Scully's like Buffy and only owns ONE

Austin: Did we just miss the philosophical point of the episode talking
about clothing?

[Scully gets to enjoy the Meeting from Hell]
Elf: Well, here's strong proof hell is other people. I guess Sartre was
smart-re after all.

[Robber Guy Writes Note. Badly, we might add.]
Austin: Yeah, you know what this is.

Bead: Mind-bogglingly lame?

Elf: Dead agents-r-us?

Bead: That episode of Lois and Clark where the day happens with slight
variations each iteration??

[The Bank Goes Boom....]
Bead: Oops. Time's up. People have to die.

Elf: I guess we'll have to find a new show, eh, Bead?

Bead: Yeah, but the monkeys have Buffy, so you two are toast....

Austin: Hey, is it just me, or does this seem really familiar?

Bead: Huh?

Austin: I think we've had this conversation before.

Elf: Well, most of our reviews are similar.

Austin: No, but-- see! Mulder's alive again! Like Thomasina except without
the Scottish accent.

Bead: Well, I'll be damned. We're trapped in a temporal loop.

Elf: No kidding! I thought you had to be on Star Trek to do that.

Austin: Nope. We're repeating ourselves.

Bead: You can say that again.

Austin: Nope. We're repeating ourselves.

[Finally, the Meg-Ryan-On-Heroin-Lookalike-Who-Is-The-One-This-Time breaks
the temporal loop and dies.]
Bead: You can say that-- hey hey! Look! That chick ended her reign as the
one and now we can continue doing what we do best!

Austin: Running from toy cops?

Bead: Go to hell, Austin.

Elf: No, Bead, no! After that episode, I think Hell is where we have to
review "One Son" over and over and over and over and over....

Bead: (shivers) Okay. Then... go to Los Angeles, Austin.

Austin: Ouch, baby. Very ouch....

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