Okay, we apologize in advance that this review is none too funny. But this episode is terribly painful, in our defense, and it was hard to be snappy.[Mulder's opening voiceover]
Bead: Burn that hair! Burn it now!Austin: Theirs was the dawning of-- the Age of Aquarius.
Elf: Or the age of the Lizard Alien.
Bead: Please explain to me if bad hair is a Consortium employment requirement.
Austin: Let me see-- bad hair, man pain, and cryptic high-toned babble. Maybe that's what's up with Mulder's season six hair.
[Previously on the X-Files]
Elf: Might I just mention, as we return from break, that I HATE the Gap?Austin: Hey, wait-- didn't this go in the wrong place this week?
Bead: Maybe, but I knock nothing where we get to see Jeffy take a pimp-slap.
["Shoot me now!"]
Elf: I second that!Austin: Yeah, and shoot me dead, you moron!
Bead: Grr. Mytharc Mulder and Scully, I swear to God, must smoke up before they act. How else could they be SO incredibly stupid?
Austin: Ohh, maybe it's this contagion. Though I would think the contagion is more likely Manpainius Amongus.
[The Decon Shower and Peep Show]
Elf: Mulder had too much man pain to check the goodies. Look at him! Scully, however, gets kinda horny when she's pissed off--
Bead: And she was hella pissed to start with.
Austin: Yeah, and with the sleek arrival of Diana, "I just ate a baby and Mulder believes everything I say" Fowley, I think the horny/pissed factor just hit tilt. Especially considering Scully knows her own designer outfit met the incinerator today.
Bead: Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Elf: Oh, come on, Fowley's going to beg? Shyeah, what-EVAH.
Austin: To repeat Bead: Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Elf: Yeah! Throw a chair at that well-dressed hoochie mama's liposuctioned ass, Scully! Give her the bitchslapping of a lifetime! Don't make me come in the TV and do it!
Austin: And enough with this "The One" business! You all weren't destined to wield it, so get OVER it!
[Professional Eurotrash Alex takin' care of business, yet again.]
Elf: I must say, he's brighter than the average homeboy. By about fifty IQ points.Austin: They act like Bill Mulder was the Messiah, when in actuality, THEY HAD HIM KILLED! Buy a clue, old dudes! Jeez!
Bead: Oy, can I please have some Rolaids now?
[Jerry Lewis!Mulder meets an old flame]
Elf: Lady! Hey layyydy! Check it out, they LOVE me in France-- lady!Austin: Oh, poor Marita. Remember when people used to hate her?
Bead: Yeah, really. And I mean, what haven't they done to Marita? Except for mad cow disease.
Austin: Yeah, but she'd be a real hit on the Goth circuit.
Elf: She's the first, she's the One, she's so lovely-- this episode sucks. Change it!
[Jeffy and Cassy talk]
Bead: Wait, this could be fun. Theoretically.Austin: Yeah, cuz Cassy knows Diana Fowley is Daddy's ho.
Elf: Also, she knows Jeffy ain't quite right.
Bead: I love it. Kill me, you pompous son of a--
[Take my hand-- we're off to Lone Gunmen-land]
Elf: I wonder if they drink Coke or Pepsi.Austin: Who cares? Look at Scully! All she needs is a little beret and she's Scully de Beauvoir!
Bead: Whoah, Mulder is like, the world's biggest tool.
Austin: Well, remember when we originally watched this episode?
Bead: On tape over Five Happiness on my birthday when I was wearing the crown?
Austin: Yes. Remember what Sister Bob said--
Bead: About the Austin Powers/X-Files thing where Mr. Kensington was WMM and Diana Fowley was Vanessa Kensington's bastard half-sister?
Austin: No. Remember the "Mulder is like linoleum" joke? I think this is being walked over for the next thirty years in action.
Elf: Yeah, no kidding. Scully, why don't you introduce Mulder to your knee?
Austin: Oh, little Elf, don't you understand? Mulder trusts all he's known.
Bead: In the biblical sense of the word.
Elf: Man, I am SO pissed for Scully. I hope she found a cute Ed after that and just--
[Just the good ol' bras--]
Bead: Man, does this episode ever suck. Can we compare X-Files to the Dukes of Hazzard?Elf: I would but Scully doesn't-- lingerie fetish?
Austin: Dude, CGB, old chap, you bought her all that lingerie, so you're one to talk.
Bead: Seriously. But CGB just called Mulder a pansy cake-boy. That's kinda schweet.
Austin: And he implied Mulder was a horny silk-panty-wearing cake boy.
Elf: All the Dukes could kick Mulder's sorry ass, by the way. Even Uncle Jesse.
Austin: Roscoe could kick Mulder's ass.
Elf: It was the right thing to do-- and a tasty way to do it.
Bead: By the way, I have concluded The One is actually the alien fetus.
Elf: Though you still couldn't wear it on your finger. Maybe as a hat if you lived in South Park.
Austin: There is something so deeply wrong with a Mulder/CSM tete-a-tete.
Elf: Especially as CSM is lying and Mulder has less spine than a jellyfish.
Bead: Oooh, stop it now or I'll stop it. I'm shaking in my little space boots, Mulder.
Elf: Hey, old dude, don't you ever think Mulder has urges beyond Samantha?
Austin: Yes, old chap, seriously. Or have you noticed his psychotic attachment to THE SMUDGE?
[Back in Gotham...]
Bead: Oooh, Alex waited for Jeffy. How sweet of him!Austin: Subtext! Subtext!
Elf: Bead, stop drooling on Krycek. His dry-cleaning bill is hell as it is.
Bead: I can't help it. He has a brain, and a tight butt. You could bounce quarters off it.
["The biggest bastard of all"]
Elf: It took ten doctors to shove that needle in Cassy? Yeah, okay.Bead: I feel your pain, baby.
Austin: CSM is extraordinarily dull when he's human.
Elf: And Cassy is what, exactly?
Austin: Loony as a toon?
Bead: Is it just me, or are they talking in code? This makes no sense.
Elf: Yes, about all I'm getting is that Jeffy is stupid, and he needs to die. And we knew that already.
[Fox and Diana]
Austin: Oh, pass me the Rolaids.Bead: I so hate her. The catty, evil, trashy--
Elf: Well, at least she's not catastrophically stupid, like Mulder there.
Austin: I don't think you could beat a clue into Mytharc Mulder. Especially not THIS Mytharc Mulder.
Bead: You mean Fatalistic, Nihilistic, Cake-Boy Weenie in Quietus Mulder?
Elf: Yeah, I do-- EWWW!
Austin: Say it with me, ladies-- Ma-ni-pu-la-tive.
Bead: Dude, did that just say El Rico? Like El Rico Suave like goddammit, why do I always get ripped off?
Austin: Um, Bead-- Adrianne came up with Rico Suave. Remember?
Bead: Shut up, Austin.
[Mulder unsuccessfully tries to persuade Scully into quietus. Yeah, right.]
Elf: Okay, there's throwing in the towel, and then there's throwing in the towel, burning it, and convincing the world to follow suit.Austin: Besides, Scully would go to Hell or Old Navy before she went somewhere alone with Mulder and Fowley. Der, Mulder.
Bead: Well, it's not like we should be cheering the brights of Scully right here, really.
Austin: She has that convenient chip excuse, though.
Bead: But still! Okay, let's SHOOT THE TRAIN to slow it down? Exsqueeze me?
Austin: And let's leave the car on the tracks. I so hope they bought insurance.
Elf: Is it any wonder we're rooting for Krycek and Marita in this one?
Bead: This episode pains me more than watching those heroin-chic Gap zombies singing Mellow Yellow.
Austin: But I still find it less painful than the Old Navy tech-vest bit.
Elf: Agreed.
[El Rico Air Base]
Bead: Why does Mulder want Skinner to go with them to West Virginia?Elf: Oh, please, Bead. One word: threesome.
Austin: Shut up. No way.
Bead: I don't know, Austin. She has a point.
Elf: Poor Cassandra. So very much like her Trojan namesake.
Austin: No one ever listens to her. Gee, subtle as a brick through the window, Carter-san.
Elf: Look at CSM cover Mulder's pathetic ass. Uh, shots were fired, by like, a PCP gang.
[Alex knows which way the wind blows...]
Bead: Oh, how I love him. He's smart. Unlike-- EVERYONE IN THIS EPISODE!Austin: Plus, he's full of tres macho animalistic rage, right Bead? Just perfect for you to tame.
Elf: Plus, he's rather lickable in leather.
Bead: Poor Jeffy and Marita.
Elf: Ohh, watch Mari catch on. Good for her.
Austin: In a nutshell. Mari and Alex-- smart. Scully-- spunky. Mulder-- puss. Cassy-- tragic. Everyone else, and especially Jeffy- moronic.
[The Syndicate Crispy-Critter Fries as luvbirds Fowley and CSM get away]
Austin: Oh, hell yes. About damn time.Elf: This rocks. And it's a convenient way to simplify the mytharc. Just kill 'em all and leave 'em for God to sort out.
Bead: Except for all the innocent dead people.
Elf: (oblivious) Fire! Fire fire fire! Fire!
[Kersh-- finale-- end of this pain-- dude.]
Austin: Oh, look, it's Mars Attacks again. How Carter wishes and cannot be Tim Burton.Bead: Aww, look at the Jeffy-guilt. It's cute.
Elf: Look, son, Mr. Kersh don't need to hear none of the old crazy agents' jive-talk.
Bead: Oh, look how they redeemed Jeffy. Now he is certainly the sacrificial lamb.
Austin: Hmm, Mulder, are you catching any lessons from that "Don't sleep with the enemy" bit?
Elf: The future is here-- all bets are off--
Bead: Yo quiero Taco Bell--
Austin: And down goes the Jeffenator! We have mytharc blood, and the jealous ratings gods are appeased for a while.
Elf: Jeffrey Spender, the X-Files Year King.
Bead: Guys, we've read way too much Marion Zimmer Bradley this week.
Elf: Yep. Hey, can we watch something that DOESN'T suck now?
Bead: Amen to that. Cruel Intentions?
Elf: You know what I like--
Cut, print, feed to alligators.
["Let's get this show on the road"]
Bead: Damn right!
Austin: Hey, isn't that big cop Dennis Franz?
Elf: No, it's Frank Burst, cousin of Hugh Gass.
Bead: Oh, wow.
[The chick who is The One in this episode]
Bead: Oh, look, it's Meg Ryan on crack.
Austin: And can you see the red-shirt in this picture?
Elf (Skinner): What? Let what happen? Disco? Mulder's hair?
[Inside the bank, Mulder is dead.]
Austin: No, wait. He's getting better!
Bead: Yep, the smell of rot is definitely an improvement.
Elf: Does she have time to do the one tear thing before--
[The bank blows up]
Bead: No.
Austin: Actually, that was footage from the movie Independence Day. The
real bomb will be something like that.
[Mulder wakes up. We knew he wasn't dead anyway. I mean, Mulder? Die? What
the hell sort of crack are you smoking? Where can I get some?]
Elf: Man.... what was all that exploding stuff in my dream? It scared the
Swedish Bikini Team away!
Austin: Oh, his bed broke? I thought that was just the wet spot.
Bead: AUSTIN! (pauses) Eww. Does Mulder not have pit hair? Weird.
Elf: You're looking? Bead, find something better to do.
Bead: Okay. Look. Duchovny just gained an extra expression. I think he's
at six now.
Austin: Has Mulder put on weight? I see belly.
Elf: Oh, waah. I'm a whiny puss boy who can't defend my way out of a paper
bag. Waah.
[E&8th and the cheap car and cheaper couple.]
Bead: Gee, is the Charles Manson looking dude the bad guy?
Austin: Couldn't they afford the couple from Pulp Fiction? I would have
dug that. Pumpkin and Honeybunny, that's the couple.
Elf: Hey, didn't we see this episode? Wasn't it Xena: Warrior Princess,
then? Didn't that episode end with 50 hits from the round killing thing
and didn't Xena kill Joxer at one point in it?
["He never did that before..."]
Austin: Maybe he's starting to love me.
Bead: Why won't you love me, David Duchovny?
[Scully gets to enjoy the Meeting from Hell]
Elf: Well, here's strong proof hell is other people.
[Robber Guy Writes Note. Badly, we might add.]
Austin: Yeah, you know what this is.
Bead: A bad robbery?
Elf: Dead Mulder?
Bead: That episode of Star Trek with Kelsey Grammar?
[Steve?]
Elf: Steve? Why not Bob?
Bead: Or Mike?
Austin: Or Jimmy Jo Bob Elvis?
Bead: Oops. Time's up. People have to die.
Elf: I guess we'll have to find a new show, eh, Bead?
Bead: Hey, I hear that the Real World needs a cast for next season....
[[Mulder wakes up. Like he actually died. Come on, Mulder? Die?
You've got to be joking, Mulder can't DIE. He's the hero, duh.]
Elf: Man.... what was all that exploding stuff in my dream? I was about
to score with Scully! You bastards!
Austin: Oh, the wetness is his BED. I thought he was just incontinent.
Bead: AUSTIN! (pauses) Eww. Does Mulder not have pit hair? Ick.
Elf: You're looking? Bead, you hella pervert.
Bead: Duchovny just gained an extra expression. I think he's
at four now.
Austin: I'm witnessing pooch. Married life agrees with Duchovny.
Elf: Oh, waah. Look at me, I'm Mulder-dee, dripping with whinerosity!
[E&8th and the cheap car and cheaper couple.]
Bead: Gee, wonder who's the villain here?
Austin: Couldn't they afford the couple from Pulp Fiction? I would have
dug that. Pumpkin and Honeybunny, that's the couple.
Elf: Hey, didn't we see this episode?
Bead: Honey, it's a sf cliche. Time repeating and repeating and repeating
til you just want to take a gun and shoot the TV.
[Philosophical Banter during a meeting break]
Elf: Hey, I thought that jacket was black.
Austin: It was never black. It did look somewhat charcoal at one point.
Bead: But that's clearly navy. Maybe Scully's like Buffy and only owns ONE
COAT.
Austin: Did we just miss the philosophical point of the episode talking
about clothing?
[Scully gets to enjoy the Meeting from Hell]
Elf: Well, here's strong proof hell is other people. I guess Sartre was
smart-re after all.
[Robber Guy Writes Note. Badly, we might add.]
Austin: Yeah, you know what this is.
Bead: Mind-bogglingly lame?
Elf: Dead agents-r-us?
Bead: That episode of Lois and Clark where the day happens with slight
variations each iteration??
[The Bank Goes Boom....]
Bead: Oops. Time's up. People have to die.
Elf: I guess we'll have to find a new show, eh, Bead?
Bead: Yeah, but the monkeys have Buffy, so you two are toast....
Austin: Hey, is it just me, or does this seem really familiar?
Bead: Huh?
Austin: I think we've had this conversation before.
Elf: Well, most of our reviews are similar.
Austin: No, but-- see! Mulder's alive again! Like Thomasina except without
the Scottish accent.
Bead: Well, I'll be damned. We're trapped in a temporal loop.
Elf: No kidding! I thought you had to be on Star Trek to do that.
Austin: Nope. We're repeating ourselves.
Bead: You can say that again.
Austin: Nope. We're repeating ourselves.
[Finally, the Meg-Ryan-On-Heroin-Lookalike-Who-Is-The-One-This-Time breaks
the temporal loop and dies.]
Bead: You can say that-- hey hey! Look! That chick ended her reign as the
one and now we can continue doing what we do best!
Austin: Running from toy cops?
Bead: Go to hell, Austin.
Elf: No, Bead, no! After that episode, I think Hell is where we have to
review "One Son" over and over and over and over and over....
Bead: (shivers) Okay. Then... go to Los Angeles, Austin.
Austin: Ouch, baby. Very ouch....