This FAQ is a guide to the Shack, the most irreverent and psychotic of sites, a tribute to how silly the X-Files can be, and also, how easy it is to fall into complete and total self-delusion. So, here, in one easy to use package, is the guide to, ta-da, all the inside jokes that one might miss in the reviews.
Q: Who's Bead?
A: Bead is the only actual human of the whole group. She's the shack's straight woman. So to speak.
Q: Why is she called Bead?
A: Bead's attorney, Seymour Littlefeather, has prepared a statement to answer this question:
"Be it known that Sister Jennifer of OBSSE, more commonly known as Jennifer-Oksana
or Beadslut, commonly shortened to Bead, wants to say about the creation of her title this
statement: 'I, Sister Jennifer, would explain that Beadslut refers to my talent at getting Mardi
Gras beads and nothing else. All rumors of my alleged infidelity with Chris Carter, as well
as my supposed Mafia or NFF ties, are completely false. Anyway, it was Mardi Gras and I was
Q: Who's Labeadqua?
A: Labeadqua is a desk elf, a commonly misunderstood species of Little Creature. Frequently mistaken for a garden gnome or a lawn ornament, desk elves are known for their spicy sense of humor, their ability to disappear when normal people arrive, and their continual trash-talking.
Q: Why did Labeadqua leave?
A: Creative differences.
Q: No, really.
A: Well, you know how Dennis Rodman wants an annullment? That's because Labeadqua is his first wife, and she did not take kindly to Carmen Electra butting in, let me tell you!
Q: Austin Beadslut. Isn't he a ripoff?
A: Every desk elf is a rip-off of that little green guy from The Flintstones, the show which in itself was a rip-off from the Honeymooners anyway. Besides, we call it an homage. Shakespeare did them all the time. You think he actually came up with his own ideas, think again.
Q: Is Labeadqua ever coming back?
Q: Why are you so behind on reviews?
A: I've got a life and you don't. Ha ha ha.
Q: Who's cuter, Mojo or Jojo?
A: I'm paid to report that Jojo is the Cuter Mystical Monkey.
Section II: In-Jokes
Fight the Future What you might not have gotten…. Those wankers at Blockbuster! They only had pan-and-scan.
-There was an enormous debate on OBSSE about the virtues of widescreen versus normal. Pan-and-Scan won, because there are a lot of movie dorks on OBSSE. I prefer pan-and-scan, but I have a 13" TV.
Don't they have enough Mormon agents in the FBI….
At least, this is what I've been told at church is that the FBI likes hiring LDS people because they have "high moral standards" and stuff like that.
Is he trying to be David Boreneaz with the angsty boy nonsense already?
Ahh, why did Angel have to come back from hell? The Shack is a intertextual document, and we like Buffy. Angel is a character on Buffy who spends too much time on his hair and on whining.
"Morleys-- Cigarette of Choice for X-Files's Reigning Pimp Daddy"
Pimp Daddy was what we used to call a friend of ours, Tyler, who went on to be salutatorian at my high school. However, the reference is to the many scores with women that Cancerman has pulled off during the X-Files series, including Mrs. Mulder and Mrs. Spender, and probably Marita, just for starters.
Are you thinking she's got her own set of engraved invitations?
One of the many legends that have arisen about Bead is that she has a set of engraved invitations that say "Look at my breasts." It's not true. The entire incident that gave rise to this tale was in fact, an exaggeration perpetrated by Autumn. I didn't scream it, god-damn it, and it wasn't my fault we realized those guys were watching at that particular moment.
The Consortium's Space Age London Meeting Bachelor Pad)
Labeadqua: Hello and welcome to the latest of the Establishment. Mr. Charlie, Whitey Himself.
Bead: White supremacist capitalist patriarchy! White supremacist capitalist patriarchy!
All right. A plethora of jokes. Space Age Bachelor Pad is some sort of weird-boy music album. Labeadqua's line is blatantly ripped off from In Living Color's Homie D. Clown. White supremacist capitalist patriarchy is the term cultural critic bell hooks uses to describe the reigning elitist faction of society.
Please tell me you know this is from A Streetcar Named Desire. Please.
Do you wonder if you turned the sound off on this movie and listened to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon there would be parallels?
Substitute in Wizard of Oz for this movie and it's true.
Why can we find the homoerotic reference in anything?
Labeadqua: Too much time with Simmons?
Prof of mine. Does this constantly. Now I do it, too.
The Driver is Shot scene: Pulp Fiction. Obviously.
Labeadqua: Speaking of the ship's interior here, if I ever pick up an alien craft, remind me to also purchase a cleaning staff.
Bead: Yeah, we'll hire Jani-King:
Jani-King is the less-than-competent cleaning service of Tulane University, who my housing dollars pay to sit and watch soap operas. Think I'm happy?
FROM THE CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH SLASHING
Labeadqua: What, is she on the Gillian box?
Refers to the fact GA has to stand on a box in a lot of X-F episodes to make up for the height discrepancy between her and DD, and the fact that in CDM, she was taller.
FROM THE TUNGUSKA and TERMA REVIEWS
Bead: I don't think there are news crews in the Carterverse.
The Carterverse is basically the X-Files universe as envisioned by CC. I have several theories about what it's like. And it's scary.
Labeadqua: And a heck of a lot better than the next FX offering. El Mundo Gira.
Bead: AKA John Shiban really likes EVIL petting zoos.
Obviously a reference to Austin Powers. Pre Austin Beadslut.
FROM THE POST MODERN LABEADQUA
Labeadqua: Dude, why is the monster going after her? There are plenty of
luscious young college girls who watch Jerry with the same reverence.
And they attend my college.
Bead: Sounds like someone got into the good crack.
Crack is the drug of choice of OBSSE. OR it refers to someone acting like a real freak.
FROM NEVER AGAIN IS WHAT YOU SWORE THE TIME BEFORE
Bead: Poor Ed. He reminds me of Good Angel at this point.
Bashing Good Angel is a favorite past-time at the Shack. For more Angel-bashing fun, go to Angel In Hell or the Angel's Hair Site.
Labeadqua: Yeah, she could never have wild sex with Ed anyway because she's a virgin who's waiting for our dear Sean to come of age.
It should be mentioned that this is a remarkably mild Sean-bash. People have said much meaner things to him and he's a minor. So there.
Labeadqua: Bad Angel is after Xander?
There's a good site for this, too: DeadBoy and Xander. UST abounds.
FROM MEMENTO LABEADQUA
Labeadqua: For the last time, I don't remember where I was, Mulder! Nor
how I got on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
Bead: I think-- I think-- I was partying with the mighty Chewbacc. Yes.
That's where I disappeared to for three months. I was helping George Lucas
create Episode One: The Phantom Menace.
Crack Whore Magazine is Pure South Park. And duh, Star War reference.
FROM THE BEGINNING OF BEAD'S SEASON SIX RAMPAGE
Austin: Oh, so that wasn't you I heard screaming, 'Dirty little
nonmoviewording weasel! SNL is always stealin' my jokes!' then?
This is a reference to two SNL jokes that resembled unoriginal ones of mine- a reference to Mango in a fic that eventually happened, and David Spade using "Lil'David" to do the Hollywood Minute on his hosting.
Bead: Stealth!Mulder couldn't steal a bagel from Bruff Commons.
Bruff Commons: notoriously shitty food cafeteria of Tulane University. The bagel bins, aside from being a haven of edible food, were notoriously empty due to students ripping them off. This has changed as Leon, the big manager guy, continually stakes out the bagel bins and glares at innocent students whenever they go to get a bagel. This refers to the old days of bagel theft. Now, Stealth!Mulder would be totally be busted by the Marriott staff.
FROM DRIVE, AKA SPEED 3 WITHOUT SANDRA BULLOCK
Sweetbead: this was stolen from South Park's hysterical Halloween episode, which in itself stole from the old Trek episode, Mirror Mirror. Among other things.
Nothing much that was too obscure a ref here, though.
FROM BEAD BLOOD
Bead: True. You know who I wish Mulder would stake. ETTA from those
nonmoviewording Freschetta commercials. How many times do I have to deal
with her during this marathon?
This was obviously a reference to that fact that Freschetta played at least four commercials per every episode of X-Files played during the FX Thanksgiving marathon.
Austin: Look, Bead, it's Dorian!
The Sheriff starred in Vince Gilligan's movie "Home Fries."
Austin: (distracted and singing) Standin' in a graveyard in Chaney, Texas,
Bead: (joins in) And I'm quite sure the vampire's OCD...
This is a badly mangled version of Tori Amos' "In the Springtime of His Voodoo" in case anyone wondered.
More will be added as it comes along.
Go Back to the Shack!
Email Bead with questions or misunderstood jokes!