2 0 Q U E S T I O N S
JANEANE GAROFALO
Actress and comedian Janeane Garofalo, 32, is fearless when it comes to answering questions. She cannot tell a lie. She is also unself-conscious starting this interview in her hotel bathroom while brushing her teeth and putting on makeup. Such forthrightness also informs her stand-up act, in which she eschews the setup-and-punch line method for the slice-of-life on wry. Her deadpan veracity also comes through in her role as Paula the talent booker on HBOs "Larry Sanders Show," and in her duties as host of Comedy Centrals "Comedy Product." Garofalo, who thinks she will never be more than a cult figure, has also found success in the movies. She was Winona Ryders friend and roommate in "Reality Bites" and Randy Quaids acerbic date-from-hell in "Bye Bye Love." Another recent success was as Abby, the talk-show veterinarian with a self-esteem problem, in last springs hit romantic comedy "The Truth About Cats and Dogs." Next she plays an elephant trainer in "Larger Than Life" with Bill Murray. Contributing Editor David Rensin met with her in Aspen during the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival. Says Rensin of the experience: "Ive never met a woman more clear about who she is than Janeane Garofalo. It definitely takes your breath away.
PLAYBOY: Youve been called the patron saint of alternative comedy. Why?
GAROFALO: I hate the word alternative. Its a dumb label, just like grunge and Gen-X. If you wanted to apply the word literally, it would be the alternative to shticky, hacky, jokey comedy. And the venue is an alternative to the comedy clubs. Usually you see this comedy in a coffee shop, bookstore or bar. The style is more spoken word-meets-stand-up. Ive done it since I started, and so have many of my friends, like David Cross, Bob Odenkirk and Dana Gould. Weve all written stuff down, but were also just as likely on some nights to completely go off for the 30 minutes were onstage. Weve always been here. Its just that if you are around long enough, people start seeing you and go, "Oh!"
PLAYBOY: Onstage youve talked about feeling like you want to slug a guy while hes having sex with you and scream, "Stop fucking me!" We suspect this story is based on real life. Care to elaborate?
GAROFALO: I was dating a comedian who is now a friend of mine. We were out once, and I was eating Ben & Jerrys ice cream out of the carton. He said, "I hope youre not going to finish that." When I heard that I was seething. Like: Youre not supposed to say anything about what I eat. Youre supposed to think Im a goddess, no matter what. I didnt say anything about it, but all I could think was, If you think were gonna have sex later, youre high. When we got home, we went to bed and we had sex. But I couldnt forget the Ben & Jerrys comment, and all I could think was, Stop fucking me or Im gonna punch you in the face. Didnt say anything, though. [Laughs] Ah, the thoughts that run through ones head.
PLAYBOY: Youve also complained about the tyranny of lookism, that women are made to feel bad about themselves because of their physical appearance. But is this perpetuated only by men? Dont women have visual standards too?
GAROFALO: I had this discussion over dinner with Jon Lovitz. He said that the first thing 90 percent of guys focus on is looks. They want their peers to find their girlfriend hot. Women can be more impressed by wit, intelligence and warmth. Lets break it down this way, if we can go shallow: Look at the "Star Tracks" pages in People magazine. Whenever you see an actor and his girlfriend, is it surprising what the girl looks like? When Charlie Sheen gets married, are you shocked that his bride is stunning? Are you shocked when Nicholson squires around somebody who looks so good? Its always like that. The shock is when they have someone who doesnt look like that. And its noticeable. Its so rare, you make a mental note of it. You go, Oh my God, his wife is actually his age and looks like a normal woman.
PLAYBOY: You recently lost about 25 pounds, despite having said that doing so would be selling out. Please defend yourself.
GAROFALO: I am a sellout, I admit it. I will not pretend. I joined the other side, the wrong team. I am not proud of it. It was a calculated career move. After Larry Sanders wrapped for last season I wasnt working. I had just bought a co-op and wasnt doing real well financially. I thought, Fuck, Ive got to work. What would help? The answer: being thinner. Talent isnt the first thing people look at, obviously. You can tell that by the people who are working. Especially for women, thinness and looks are key, unless you want to play only one type of part, over and over and over again: the bitter, because-youre-overweight-means-you-dont-have-a-vagina sidekick, best friend, roommate, single gal. The Eve Arden part. Thats boring. Now that Im thinner I get to audition for the wife and love-interest parts I didnt get to do before. Thats a step in the right direction. Wait. I dont even want to say "right direction." Its a step in a different direction. If I could have fought the good fight and kept working at my former weight, Id have done it. After all that work and not eating after five P.M. I dont feel thin. I feel like I could lose more weight. Im not proud of this. I know Im being a loser. Ive bought into the patriarchal standard of whats acceptable. I dont recommend it.
PLAYBOY: But youve had some good parts. You made a movie with Bill Murray, Larger Than Life, in which you play an elephant wrangler. In The Truth About Cats and Dogs, with Uma Thruman, you play a radio veterinarian. Is this a trend? What phrases from the pachyderm vernacular now show up in your everyday lexicon?
GAROFALO: Two animal movies are sheer happenstance. The elephant, Tai, had worked in Operation Dumbo Drop. We had coffee together, talked about the biz. Nice elephant, kept taking big dumps everywhere. "Ew, whats that smell?" is about the only phrase that leaked into my vocabulary.
PLAYBOY: Are you ever afraid that you may inspire such intense fandom that one becomes a stalker?
GAROFALO: Im not worried about that. I dont think Ill ever achieve a level in this business beyond having a small core of people who like what I do. Ill never be so big that I cant go out. Im not saying that in an aw-shucks way, Im speaking realistically. I may be one of those people about whom someone occasionally says, "That girl over there drinking coffee, how do I know her? Do I know her from TV or is that your roommates ex-girlfriend?
PLAYBOY: Youve made no bones about despising Hootie & the Blowfish. Describe the Hootification of America and tell us if their popularity is emblematic of some deep-seated social malaise.
GAROFALO: Most of the huge artists, musically speaking Mariah Carey, Hootie, Michael Jackson, Michael Bolton are popular because they are utterly mediocre. Mariah Carey is the definition of mediocrity to me, so how could she not be embraced by the public? The American public is not an arbiter of taste. People go to what they know. And radio force-feeds you Hootie and Mariah. You are forced to listen to that bullshit. You dont want it. I want to hear more Elvis Costello, more P.J. Harvey, and I have to seek it out. They wont give it to me, and I dont think thats fair. But I dont dislike middle America and John and Jane Q. Public. Most of my relatives are middle American. I dislike the taste makers. I dislike what tends to be popular. I dont like T.G.I. Fridays, I dont like Planet Hollywood. I dont like stuffed potato skins. I dont like that kind of culture. I dislike the Super Bowl in my face all the time. I dont give a fuck about the Super Bowl. I dont want to see Friends anymore, even though I am friends with some of the Friends. I dont want to see any more ads for Got Milk? Or Diet Coke. I dont want to see a Gap store every five seconds. I dont like those clothes. Starbucks is the only thing that I will put up with that permeates the culture.
PLAYBOY: Describe the perfect latte.
GAROFALO: This is really important to me. I prefer less foam. I like it to be a flat latte, if you will. There has to be the perfect ratio of steamed milk to coffee. I dont like it when I pick up my latte off the counter and its light, like theres hardly any coffee in there and its all foam. I like it to be a heavy latte with a lot of coffee. Sometimes they pour in coffee, then milk, then more coffee, like in layers. That, no foam on top and a shot of hazelnut syrup. A grande hazelnut latte.
PLAYBOY: David Letterman reportedly once held up a handwritten not to Sandra Bernhard that read "I hate myself." Your production company is called I Hate Myself. Have you and Letterman discussed your mutual self-loathings?
GAROFALO: He knows I hate myself. Once when I was on the show he said, "Dont be so hard on yourself." I said, "If I dont have my self-loathing, what do I have?" He laughed and looked at me, and I knew he hated himself too. But I dont think hes going to confide in me. I have self-loathing in that I am frequently disappointed in myself. I dont wor5k hard enough, dont write enough, dont donate enough to charity, dont read enough. But I dont have low self-esteem. I am a confident person. I dont make bad choices in destructive relationships. I I dont abuse myself in a major way. I just grind my teeth. I have a bite plate, but unfortunately I cant wear it. It covers the roof of my mouth and I cant sleep in it. So Ive waited a lot of money on it, which causes more self-loathing, which makes me grind me teeth more. I just want to be a better person. I want to be funnier, I want to be smarter, I want to be healthier, I want to be nicer. But self-loathing drives me. I guess its a good thing. Better than being arrogant or being content to be a dick.
PLAYBOY: Which particular aspect of your personality gets you into the most trouble?
GAROFALO: I cant keep my mouth shut. When people ask me a direct question, I answer it.
PLAYBOY: OK. Whats in your underwear drawer that might surprise us?
GAROFALO: I have some underwear by a line called Pussy Scented. Theyre a little racy. Thats not very me. I got them because theres a cute little kitty on the crotch. They were at X-Girl or someplace, five pairs for $5 thats unheard of for womens underwear. One hundred percent cotton. White with a triangle, strings on the side and a kitty over the crotch panel, winking. A former boyfriend liked them. The first time he saw them it was like wow, because thats not something I usually wear. I dont try to dress provocatively. I dress exactly like the millions of people who listen to college radio. In other words, I dress to the left of the dial. And I dont do any weird shenanigans in the bedroom. I dont have oils. Im meat and potatoes when it comes to sexuality. In fact, sexuality embarrasses me. Im very anxious about having sex with the lights on. Im so not a person who would try to entice my lover with Pussy Scented underwear.
PLAYBOY: Men know what a high-maintenance woman is. Do you qualify? Are there high-maintenance men? Describe their care and feeding.
GAROFALO: I dont think it knows gender. I dont think most high-maintenance people know they are, either. Ive had high-maintenance boyfriends. You have to be supportive of them in all aspects of life, to the nth degree. Its all about them, and you have to be willing to submit to that. So your dysfunction and theirs must fit like a glove. Im high-maintenance in one area. Environmentally speaking, Im highly adaptable. Im not a complainer when it comes to, "What are we doing this weekend?" I dont have to be entertained. I dont care where we go. My only neurosis is insecurity, and I always admit it. I warn the person if Im about to go on a rant. Some people think that makes it charming. My insecurity covers all the bases: sexual, career, physical. I worry that all of a sudden the people in my life are going to wake up and ask, "How could we have fooled ourselves about Janeane?" Im always thinking my boyfriends will break up with me first, so I try to beat them to the punch. Then I wind up really screwing myself over, and Im the only one who suffers in the end.
PLAYBOY: What do you drink, when you drink, and what have you discovered the morning after that you have no memory of doing the night before?
GAROFALO: The only thing Ill drink is Stoli on the rocks or good tequila, like Patrón. Im a totally cheap date. It takes me only two drinks to forget. For instance, a couple weeks ago three of my comedian friends, David Cross, Bob Odenkirk and Ross Brockley, and I went out for drinks in New York. I thought Id just had a few drinks and walked home, I swear to God. But the next morning I woke up and rolled over, and there was Ross Brockley. My first thought was, Oh, I know that guy! Hes funny. Thank God its a good comic. I mean, he could have been a hack. Anyway, we were both fully clothed. We hadnt done anything. I mean, we werent so drunk that we did it and then put our clothes on and contacts back in so that when we got up we wouldnt be embarrassed though that would have been interesting. I asked him what happened and he said I said, "You wanna go listen to CDs?" We walked home, got something to eat on the way, went to my apartment and listened to CDs till dawn, and then just fell out on the bed.
PLAYBOY: What sort of 900 number would you call?
GAROFALO: Mike Myers and I called a telepsychic to have our fortunes told. It was so general, hilarious and retarded. They say, "I see a change coming. Youre not happy at work. Do you have a relationship problem? I see a relationship problem." To Mike she said, "Youre not doing well at work." He said, "Maam, Ill be honest with you: This is Mike Myers and Ive done very well for myself. You know, Waynes World?" She goes, "Oh. Hmmm." Then she tried to backpedal. I feel sorry for people who hang all their hopes on this stuff because they desperately want a change in their life.
PLAYBOY: Your cartoon self once appeared on Comedy Centrals Dr. Katz. When last seen she told the doctor he wasnt helpful, and split. Whats the two-dimensional Janeane doing now?
GAROFALO: I dont know. I havent heard from her since. She got in her cartoon automobile, hit the high road and kept driving. Shes probably fine. In her world they dont really need a lot of money. She doesnt need to eat or buy new clothes. A little cartoon money goes a long way.
PLAYBOY: What do women insist degrades them that you suspect might not degrade them at all? What do women view as self-enhancing that is in fact degrading?
GAROFALO: When Pat Buchanan came out against the Beijing Womens Conference and there were women standing next to him, smiling and laughing when he was making fun of it, I was so embarrassed. I dont mind when the more liberal or moderate Republican women talk about smaller government or money issues and things of that nature. But when I see a conservative Republican woman in line with the Christian right or coming out against abortion and day-care issues and for taking away womens aid, I see a self-hating, unenlightened woman, like a self-hating Jew. That blows my mind. I dont get it at all.
PLAYBOY: there was an episode of The Larry Sanders Show in which your character, Paula the talent booker, wants to leave the room when Larry tries to get Artie to ask Marg Helgenberger out for him. What other things are so infuriating that they make a woman want to leave the room?
GAROFALO: When you hear network notes like, "You know, she really looks heavy." Especially with comedy. Physical attributes have nothing to do with being funny. I also hate, "Can you get the makeup artist to redo her?" In 1990 I did a Young Comedians special in Phoenix. They had to confer with the director because my face looked so full. They would never do that for a guy comic, but with me theyre like, "Could you shade or contour her because her face is really, really full. She looks really chunky." Argghhh, that made me so angry. That will make me leave the room, and it will make me not change a thing. Not only wont I do more with makeup, Ill do less. Thats begging me to go the other way, to be like Brando and stuff cotton in my cheeks.
PLAYBOY: Garry Shandling once said you were funnier, had a better career and were more feminine than he. Would you care to argue?
GAROFALO: Yes. Im not funnier, I dont have a better career and Im not more feminine. Still, I idolize him. He doesnt idolize me. Therein lies the difference.
PLAYBOY: How many times must you have sex before a guy stays over?
GAROFALO: Oh God. It ahs to be a few times. Its not just the number of times you have sex, but the quality of time spent together. You have to find that you really enjoy just hanging out, that its fun. In theory it would also be a good thing to know that before you have sex thats probably the wiser thing but of course it doesnt always happen that way. Youd think it would be more intimate to have sex than to stay over, but for me its far more intimate to wake up naked in the morning with someone and converse with him in the bed than to have sex with him at night, in the dark, after a few drinks. When I suggest that a guy leave, Ive heard, "No." Ive had a couple of people say, "No, I dont want to." I dont relent. The more they protest, the more they have to go. And even if they want to go this is human nature even if someone is thinking he would like to leave, as soon as you suggest it, he wants to stay. Its push-me pull-you in relationships. If you kind of dont like someone, he really likes you, and vice versa. People dont seem to be able to handle feeling the same thing at the same time. On the rare occasions when that has happened, I havent been able to sustain the relationship longer than two years. Somehow I will create a situation where we need to break up. Thats the way it works. Its like Chekhov.
PLAYBOY: Where do we go when we die?
GAROFALO: Im going to the Stair Master ring of Dantes Inferno, because I hate the damn machine so much. I do it on manual, so I can control it. But I dont put my hands on the rails, so I can keep a good flow going. That way its two annoying workouts in one.