Things That Piss Me Off.

Yes, we all have them, things that piss us off. Little, dumb things that could easily be avoided if others would quit being assholes. Yes, we know we cause others to be pissed off sometimes, but most people that piss me off are completely ignorant, which is why I submit this to be the definitive list of things that Piss Me Off.

1. People who are neat freaks to the point of insanity. Yes, it's wonderful to be a conscientious and clean person. It's very good to keep a neat room if you can, to sweep the floor every once in a while. However, those that post notes in college dorm bathrooms harassing the cleaning staff because the sinks are not clean enough for their liking are fucking ignorant.
2. People who assume everything belongs to them. There is a big difference between sharing what you have with your friends and roommates and others; it is a completely different thing to have to ask to use your own possessions because that friend/roommate/other can't stop using them.
3. People that need to be told repeatedly to do something. Especially applicable to marching band members. If you're told to dress a form once, please dress it the next runthrough, and the next...It gets annoying hearing the same DI's saying "dress the fucking form, please." Synthesize. Assimilate. Think.
4. Hypocrites. If you're going to tell someone how to do something, make sure you know how to do it first.
5. Anyone who is anything, believes in anything, or does anything simply because it's "trendy." This is a bad one for me; I have ever gone against the flow of normalcy. I can't and don't expect everyone else to do the same, but for the love of oxygen, never tell me this: "It's, like, totally uncool to, like, eat meat, 'cause, like, animals are so cute and stuff and my friend Princess said..." No.
6. Extremist environmentalists. Don't get me wrong, I love this planet and most forms of life on it, probably more than most environmentalists. But don't ever tell me you're going to halt all the logging in an entire region because of one bat. Don't ask me to sign any petitions either. Oh, and if you make any comments about my "profession" being responsible for "polluting the earth" (I'm a chemistry major), let me remind you that it is MY profession that is "saving" this planet.
7. People who listen to rap because they think they can relate to it. Rap is not music. I'm sorry. Music requires several basic things, namely rhythm (which rap has) and a melody (which rap has not), at least in my mind. I don't want to hear the term "rap music." And if you think you can "relate" to the lyrics, you had better have come from a shitty background. No one who grew up in middle-class rural Pennsylvania should be able to relate to "busting a cap in a muthafuckah's ass fo' crossin' my homies."
8. Hypocrites. It bears repeating.
9. People who can't talk below a 'fortissimo' level. This applies to phone calls, sitting in the caf, walking down the street, etc. If I can clearly understand your conversations from fifty feet away, you sure as hell better stay sixty feet away.
10. People who try to push their beliefs on everyone else. It is one thing to preach the wonderful word of God. It is yet another thing to hate someone else for not believing in him. As long as it's not hurting you, don't worry about it. Be secure enough in your belief that they will find out that they're wrong on their own.
11. People who aren't open-minded. This goes with #10. You know, sometimes it's *your* long-held beliefs that are wrong. Accept the possibility and move on. You don’t have to let it destroy you, but fucking accept that you’re not always right.
12. People who exclude others because they aren't exactly like them. Cliques suck, okay? You know, let that poor little introverted kid in -- they could be really funny, or have a great opinion or idea to offer. Of course, they might not. But you can feel better that you tried.
13. People who don't read. Nothing can spark your imagination like reading a good book. Not having an imagination must be awful. Reading is a lot of fun if you let it be. Quit being lazy.
14. Fat girls that wear tight clothing. It's one thing to be proud of your body and love who you are, and quite another thing to want to exhibit every square inch of it all the time, especially if you have a lot of square inches. No more sausage-casing clothing, please; you're giving other fat people (like me) a bad name.
15. Obviously skinny people who complain about being "sooooo fat." It's not enough that you have to make fun of me for being overweight, you have to take that identity away from me too because you feel shallow about the way you look today? Fuck off.
16. People who make fun of others for how they look. I'll admit to being guilty of this one...but that was when I was young and naive. Grow up. Who someone is might have nothing to do with what they look like. Fat people are not disgusting, nor are "ugly" people, nor are "dorky" people. Get over your prejudices.
17. Girls who wear too much make-up. Yes, it's fine to want to look nice for school, even better to look nice for a party. But please, leave the mask of shit at home. Nothing is more unattractive than that bronze powder mask with the annoyingly heavy lipstick, eyeliner, eyeshadow, blusher, and glitter overlay. Getting ready in the morning should *NOT* take three hours. People really will like your real face, I promise. Quit living the fucking lie.
18. Girls that own too much clothing/too many shoes. Ugh. I own about 3 pairs of jeans, 4 pairs of shorts, two skirts, one business suit, and maybe 10 nice shirts. I have two pairs of sneakers (one old that I use for band practice and one new, nice pair) and my marching shoes (two pairs of Drillmasters, one pair black, one pair white.) I have a pair of dress shoes. I get by, and for years I have been accustomed to sharing a closet and a dresser. Why do you need a full closet and dresser and underbed storage for all your clothes, and then fifty pairs of shoes? And that’s just the summer wardrobe? Get a life.
19. People who spend loads of money on great computers but have no idea how to use them. Oif. I have a four-year-old Gateway 2k, and I code, I word-process, I make my crappy webpage. My friend's parents just got a brand-new Dell with *everything* and his mother plays online bingo. That's about it.
20. When your closest friends turn into assholes. This is a tough one, but it's really common. For some reason they just turn on you and become very involved in themselves, or you're not cool enough for them anymore. Well, fuck you.
21. People who make horrible web pages but always volunteer to do everyone else's. Sheesh. Give it up. Black writing on a yellow background is so 7-years ago AOL. My seven-year-old sisters could do that shit. Come up with something good.
22. People who take credit for the work of others. It's not fair. Stop it. The next time I see someone sitting on their ass while some nice people bust ass, then take credit for the whole business later when it counts, I'm going to strangle that person, personally tell who was responsible for the work done, and then break that person over my knee.
23. People who don't like it when others complain. Everyone complains. Even you. Quit getting pissed when others do it. The only reason to not like complaints is when there are no solutions offered. For example, saying, "Fuck, this level 15 quest sucks ass, you ainur suck so bad" is not helpful. However, saying, "I think that the level 15 quest could be much better if you changed *this thing* to *this other thing.*" That's good. I like to hear that.
24. People who don't care who they hurt in their quest for power. This is totally stupid, but I've seen it done many times. It goes along with #22 but it bears having its own number. If you deserve to have power, you will get it. Quit sucking up. It pisses everyone off. If you suck up, don't be surprised if you have a fucking army of pissed off 'underlings' ready to plaster you to the wall when the revolution comes.
25. Squeamish vegetarians. Please don’t ever tell me you "can’t eat anything with a face." It sure as shit doesn’t have a face when it’s on your plate. And don’t tell me that the Bible says you shouldn’t be eating meat, either, because I know that isn’t true. Quit making excuses. Either tell me why the hell you just don’t like the taste or give me a good, medical-grade explanation of how it doesn’t fit into your diet. Anyone who can not provide me with either one of those pieces of information will eat that bloody piece of steak I have generously cooked for them or nothing at all.
26. Famous people who hate their lives. Okay. There are trillions of people out there that will never, ever have lives as good as yours. Most of us will never have our songs on the radio, or our books in print, or our faces on magazines. These famous people who just "can’t deal" need a reality check. Your lives are good; you need not piss and moan to me about your drug addictions because of your shit-tube life. If anyone needs to escape, it sure as shit isn’t you.
27. People with eating disorders and/or depression. Guess what? Not a damned person has an eating disorder in starving parts of India. It is not a disease, nor is it a "chemical imbalance" that you need a medication for. It is only you and your fucked up mind, sister. Eat and be happy you have food, because there’s a damned lot of people who don’t. And you depressed people? You’re only depressed because a doctor told you that you were to sell you some medicine or you saw someone having a better life than you have. Quit being so fucking shallow and realize that no matter how bad it is, it could always be much worse. I bet no starving man in India is reaching for his Prozac right now – and it’s not just because he can’t afford it.

    Allow me to clarify this for those of you who are stupid enough to think that this means clinical depression does not exist. I know for a fact that it does. However, a tremendously large percentage of the people who are "depressed" are NOT, I repeat NOT clinically depressed. Clinical depression is a chemical imbalance. Depression is just that: depression. Get on with your life. Smoke some damned weed or something. Unless you have been diagnosed by a true professional, go fuck yourself. Your constant whining is bringing the rest of us down.

28. Affirmative Action. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. However, I am not a racist person. I realize that people of minorities have been treated like shit in the past, and I think it’s great that finally we’ve all gotten it in our heads that there really isn’t a difference between all of us. But guess what? That’s the past. I do NOT want to hear any modern black man or woman complain about how his ancestors were enslaved and somehow that entitles them to have certain advantages. You want equality? That is certainly not the way to go about it.
29. Political correctness activists. My college, Indiana University of Pennsylvania (heretofore referred to as IUP) holds on to the name Indians for its sports teams. I mean, for almighty God’s sake, the city’s name is Indiana. But certain people around the university (and I guarantee you there’s only one or two of them with an actual native American heritage) have been lobbying for change because it is – get this – "offensive." What the hell? I don’t believe this is happening at all. We are proud to be called the Indians – it is meant to honor the fighting spirit of those native to this land that fought so bravely against those who sought to conquer them. Surely if their numbers had been greater, if they were more technologically advanced, they would have seized the day. But they weren’t, and they didn’t. Those of use with any sense in our heads know that we honor them, not insult them, with our name.
30. Gun control. As long as my Constitution says I have the right to keep and bear, I will. I don’t care if you think it’s archaic; I will defend the Constitution, my rights, and myself with my gun, thank you very much. I think we still need them, if not now more than ever with you stupid bastards trying to take my rights away. Is that not some of the reason our ancestors came here in the first place? Realize your own heritage, for God’s sake.
31. Television commercials that tell parents not to keep a gun in their house. This, of course, goes along with #30, but I think it deserves its own number. Every damned day I see commercials with little kids finding a gun that the parent thought they cleverly hid away from their child’s prying hands. Apparently all over this country there are kids blowing their friends’, siblings’, or their own heads off with these guns. You know, if you TEACH your damned kid about guns and what they do, instead of keeping it secret and taboo, this would almost never happen. Taking guns away is NOT going to solve it, because then they won’t know ANYTHING about guns and will be so curious they’ll illegally obtain one and go blow your fucking head off. And you’ll deserve it.
32. Parents who keep topics/words/anything taboo to their kids. I just said this, but AGAIN it deserves its own number. If you don’t tell your kids about something, especially if they ask, then you’re fucking yourself. They will find out on their own and use it to defy you. Don’t you remember being a child? Talk about guns. Talk about sex. Do what you have to do. Educate them before they educate themselves in the wrong way.
33. Talk shows, but especially ones with parents who can’t control their children. God, this pisses me off. Why would you go on national television and embarrass yourself by confessing your most intimate problems? I would think this is particularly embarrassing if you are a parent with a slutty preteen. If you can’t control your child, you have done something wrong. No matter what anyone tells you, it is YOUR fault. Now, I’m not just talking about a little out of control; all children rebel against their parents in one way or another, whether they take up smoking or they sneak out with their friends. That is normal. What I am talking about is the weeping mama on Maury Povich talking about her twelve-year-old daughter that is addicted to sex and drugs and dresses like a two-dollar hooker. Oh, please. That is disgusting. There isn’t one more soul to blame that kind of fucking mistake on. There should be a pre-parenting test that would weed out the dumbfucks like you.
34. People who think their ears are too delicate to hear "swear" words. You know what I’m talking about. Damn, shit, hell, fuck, ass, bitch, tits, cunt, dick...I could go on. I think of myself as Carlinistic in thought; if you know who George Carlin is, then you know what I am talking about. He has an idea that words only have the meaning we attach to them, and he can’t believe that we single out certain words of the 400k or so that we have in the English language as "dirty." Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. There, I said them. Sometimes, there are just no other words that will do the trick. You are not too good to hear these words. Stop pretending.
35. People who pretend to be Christian. You know, I try to stay as Christian as possible. I know, however, that I am not any more near to perfect at it than the Bills are to winning a Superbowl. I admit that freely, especially to God. I also know that there are people that devote their lives and hearts so deeply to Him that they are totally at peace. Then there are the people who should truly go to hell with the evil, and that is fake-ass Christians. People who profess faith yet think they are above rule, people who profess their own purity but won’t admit to a dirty past, and especially people who tell everyone else that anything secular is evil. It’s not true; get over it. For example, I listen to Metallica, and there is nothing devil-worshipping about it, though I’ve been told by many that it is evil and if I continue to listen to it, I’m going to hell. In fact, Metallica’s music has a lot of faith in it. Try listening to One. Bleeding Me. Unforgiven. To Live is to Die. Nothing Else Matters. Shall I go on?
36. People who take the Bible too seriously. Do I sound like I’m contradicting myself? Not true. You have to remember that the Bible was first put together thousands of years ago by many different people. It was then written in poetic form, including all these ideas of what God was saying to a hell of a lot of people. It was then translated, then translated again, then streamlined, hacked up, chewed up, and spit out into that convenient little book you hold so desperately to. It was also "translated" into parts of its current form at a time when the Church was desperately in need of a way to mandate their wishes to the populace. What better way could they do that then through the "teachings of the Lord?" Look, I’m not saying there isn’t truth in there. It is His word, or at least His word as it has been handed down to us. You just have to remember always that man, not God, wrote it. There are simply things in there that make no sense whatsoever today.
37. People who don’t like music. What? How the hell do you SURVIVE? I find it hard to believe a heart still beats in your chest if you cannot supplement it with rhythm. End of story.
38. Gap commercials. Oh, my head. If I have to see one more anorexic little whore prancing around in that expensive shit, I’m going to vomit.
39. How much Saturday Night Live sucks now. I know I’m young, but I have seen most of the original episodes of the show. They were funny. Even most of the stuff throughout the eighties and early nineties was at least decent. But they’re obviously running out of ideas, because they can’t get through one fucking show anymore without their presidential/political spoof. It’s the only thing that keeps them alive anymore. Lorne, it’s time to give it the fuck up.
40. Boy bands. I understand the need; I was a little girl once and I know that I liked the New Kids on the Block for…oh, three weeks or so. It has a lot to do with the way your musical tastes are shaped (in my case, it told me exactly what I DID NOT want from my music). But I have two seven-year-old sisters right now that are in love with N*Sync and the Backdoor…erm, Backstreet Boys. They are manufactured money machines and nothing more. They don’t write their own songs, they lipsync performances; hell, half of them can’t even sing. And I don’t see why little girls think these guys are cute, of all things. Justin Timberlake? Christ, the boy has frosted pubic hair on his head. At least Donny Wahlberg could dance (well, as much as could be expected from a blond, white boy).
41. Women who get boob jobs. You don’t want big tits. Trust me. They’re a pain in the ass. And if you have a skinny body, they are going to look totally stupid on you. If you think that they’re going to nab you a guy…well, I hope you like shallow-ass men.
42. People who don’t think NASCAR racing, marching band, cheerleading, etc. are sports. It’s just guys driving in circles. It’s just dorks playing their instruments. It’s just girls yelling at a football game. Well, guess what, asshole – you’re wrong. Let’s see how long you last driving 500 miles at 200 miles per hour in a 140 degrees Fahrenheit screaming death machine – and you have to love it, too, making money ONLY if you’re truly good at what you do. How about being very talented at an instrument, only to have your chops (which would be the muscles in your face you use to play your instrument, or your hands if you’re a drummer) abused and tortured as you play memorized music as hard as you can and with all your heart as you march precision drill in perfect step – AND keep that horn at a 15 degree angle above ninety? And then, let’s throw you up in the air with sprained wrists and ankles and bruised ribs while you do a backflip-x-out, your only hope of surviving your landing fifteen feet below being the people who threw you. I would sincerely like to see a football player survive any one of those.
43. Tabloid news papers. These never used to bother me; I always thought they were amusing in a way. The thing that always got me was that I know there are people who actually believe all the crap that is printed in there. But when I saw news about Dale Earnhardt’s death being mocked on the front page of one of these things, saying that someone had actually cut the man’s seatbelt so he would die, I closed off any tolerance I had for them. At that moment, it became absolutely not funny anymore.
44. The lack of good radio stations. Well, when I say "good radio stations," I mean stations that play classic rock in particular. Hell, I’ll even accept country stations; at least that’s real music.
45. The way that Comedy Central/Cartoon Network has to show SNL/Scooby Doo all the time. Fuck, why are these shows so popular that they have to be shown 12 hours a day? Every time I change to channel 60, there’s fucking Will Ferrell in a cheerleader outfit, and when I go to 27, there’s that fuckin’ dog and his burnout buddy. I motion for more Whose Line is it Anyway and Speed Racer and Jonny Quest.
46. Parents who are obsessed with their children. Again, it looks like I’m contradicting myself. But while it’s one thing to teach your growing kids about the world, it is quite another to live their lives for them. You know, maybe it’s a bit much to take them from school to Girl Scouts, then directly to karate, dance class, yoga, soccer, family therapy, and masturbation practice before making them do their homework, letting them eat in front of the television, then shoving them off to bed. Quit trying to live vicariously through them, you yuppie piece of shit. Just let the poor kid grow up and maybe she won’t murder you in your sleep with that gun you think you’ve hidden from her but won’t teach her about.
47. People who are pissed that Napster is being "silenced." Oh, please, like you didn’t see it coming. I’ll admit I used Napster. It was fun to experience new music, and I have come away from it with a more diverse taste and a shitload of stand-up comedy mp3’s that I love. But when someone on the recording artists’ end of it caught wind of it and realized it was theft, I let it go, no big deal. I knew it was going to happen someday. Now, I am a firm believer in my Constitutional rights – but don’t blow that free speech chuff in my face. It does not apply here. It is not your fucking Constitutional right to steal, now is it? And that’s exactly what we were doing. Just feel lucky that you got away with it clean for a long, long time.
48. People who turn up their car stereos so loud that their cars vibrate. This past year I lived on the third floor of a dorm. It was actually the fourth floor above the street, for the basement was at street level on that side of the building (we were built into a hill). Now, I love loud music in my car, but this one time at around two in the morning, I was sitting at this computer and my fucking chair was actually vibrating from this punk’s car stereo as he screamed down the street. Now, tell me, is it really necessary to assail your own eardrums, let alone mine, with this level of crap? Most of it is bass-boosted rap anyway. That can’t possibly sound any better in there than it does out here, what with that damned trunk lid rattling. Give it the fuck up and turn it down to a level where you can actually hear it.
49. Divorce. I find it difficult to believe that so many people these days are marrying people without being so positively sure they cannot live without this person that they would work out any problem. Is faith a dying art? Is true love but a dream? I will tell you something – no matter what happens, there is nothing that could separate me from my love. I trust him implicitly. Of course, I’m sure there are people who just find at some point down the line they cannot make it work. Fine. But could we at least do it without the animosity? You loved that person once; at the very least you could be civil when you decide you’ve had it with each other. Every time I hear my mother make fun of my father in some way, I want to kick her ass. At least don’t do it in front of your fucking kids, that’s all I ask.
50. The way "each other" is two words and not one. Why the hell is this? Everything, everyone, everybody, nobody, nothing – they’re all words. I suppose I can understand the simple principle that you don’t use the word ‘each’ in this way. But then why the hell do I keep typing it as one fucking word? Because it feels right and you know it. Christ, we say it as one word – "eachother." I know others do it too, dammit. Could we please just make this a word?
51. The word "racist." Face it, people. You belong to the HUMAN race. African people are not a race, nor are Hispanic people, no more than Irish or Swedish people. The word "race" asserts that there is some fundamental difference setting a group of beings apart. And guess what – I don’t think all the melanin and darker plastids in the world can make you fundamentally different from me, a pinkish, freckled, Swedish-Irish-Scottish girl. It is not a difference, simply a function of the climate that the people you are descended from adapted to.