The Jewish Olympics
by Stuart Spector
After reading through the list of this year's Olympic events, it was
found that the Olympic Committee has made some significant changes.
Some of the less-publicized events of particular interest to the
world's Jewish communities, that you may have missed, may be the
following:
Decathlon:
Commonly referred to as the world's greatest athlete, this year's
decathlete is actually a minyan of ten daveners. Each member of the
group will begin davening with ten volumes of Mishnah on his back.
Every minute, another volume will be added until a team member can no
longer angle the body enough for a complete daven. While yeshiva
buchers in Jerusalem are favored to win this event, other teams have
promised not to bow down to the opposition - which could be a problem
for this particular event.
Oyga Vault:
A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition, the vaulter must clear the
bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights
cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be
added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz
mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in
the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"
Synchronized Swimming:
Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make
a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has
finished?
Synchronized Tanning:
Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten
minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two
rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose.
An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional
points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be
deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
Team Handball:
The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team
will cook a two liter bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The
three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the
infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put
competition.
Triathlon:
This year's Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a
serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes
(first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second
part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets
to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be
required to run the marathon.
In addition to the aforementioned events, this year's Games will
feature some experimental, non-medal competition:
Bagel Toss:
A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands
a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.
Balance Beam:
The accountant or bookkeeper that balances my mother's checkbook in
the shortest amount of time will be declared winner.
Challah Chap:
How long does it take you to remove all the chometz from your house
before Pesach? In this competition, each participant must rid a
miniature shul of all of its challot, and replace them with matzot.
Dream Team:
This year's Dream Team will not consist of the USA's highly favored
men's basketball team, but rather, an overpriced team of
psychoanalysts that will have three, one hour office visits to
analyze and interpret the dreams of this year's Olympic hopefuls.
Moyl Marathon:
Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each
kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the
babies of course.
Naches Shlep:
Designed for bubbies and zaydehs, the proud grandparents will have
two minutes to boast about their einiklach.
Rings:
No longer part of men's gymnastics, this event now caters to
newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth
fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three c's," color,
clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three s's":
smile, sophistication, and simchas.
Shochet Slaughter:
Not for the weak of stomach or for animal rights activists, the shochet has
twenty minutes to bless and slaughter as many cows as possible. The meat
from the slaughter will be fed to the weight lifters and wrestlers.
Enjoy the Olympics in Atlanta. Remember, none of these events, (with the
exception of the Torah reading), will be held on Shabbes. Some events may
require the separation of men and women.
About the Author: A freelance writer living in Los Angeles, most of my
articles have dealt with Jewish holidays, including Passover ("A '90's Style
Seder" LA Jewish Journal, 1994), Chanukah ("Four Latkes and a Kugel" Las
Vegas Israelite, 1995), and High Holidays ("High Holidays with Zade" Edmonton
Jewish Life, 1995). I spent the last year in Israel, I love reading and
writing Jewish humor, and my dream is to start a Jewish newspaper or
magazine. Anybody interested in commenting on my article or helping me pursue
my Jewish Journalism dreams can email me at Chewis@aol.com.