FOUND! LOST DIARIES OF NOAH
At least according to South Africa's "People" magazine dated April 11 to May
1. According to the article the diaries were "found in an ancient ship-like
wreck about 32 kms from Mount Ararat" "immediately below the mountain of Al
Judi, named by the Koran as the final resting place of the Ark" by Professor
Horace Ventor (no origin or organization given) and Dr Vito Fontes "a
leading Italian archaeologist and linguistic expert".
425 b.c. Day One
Dear Diary,
First day at sea. Whew! Just made it under the wire. The animals seem
happy, but the lions and tigers are beginning to become restless, and it was
a bad idea to put the rhinos, hippos and elephants on the starboard side,
and the birds, insects, gerbils and hamsters port. Took some work to
'straighten" that one out, har har. Too tired to talk to God tonight. (Get
Him started about the furies of His judgement, and He just goes on and
on...) So, off to bed...
425 b.c. Day Three
Dear Diary,
Rain has stopped, finally, and there's not a whole lot of land left
to see. Saw a whole village's worth of people, all tied together in a
pitiful attempt to save their own lives through common struggle. Sure glad I
read those books about building my own shelter and surviving the Apocalypse;
now if I can figure out what "canned rations" and "ferroconcrete bunkers"
mean, I'll be in business.
Shem lost his left hand to one of the lions yesterday. God provided
food, all right: a thick, mealy white powder that you could almost eat if
you added a little salt water. The budgies didn't like it, though, and the
koala bears kept yelping for fresh eucalyptus leaves.
425 b.c. Day Seven
Dear Diary,
Time to sweep the decks. No time to write.
425 b.c. Day Seventeen
Dear Diary,
G-d decided to "help" by giving my the power to understand the
animals' speech. Imagine over fifteen thousand married couples, forced to
live in cramped and confined conditions, squabbling over how much yummy
white powder mixed with sea water they get to have. They also whine about
how good they used to have it, on the green earth, eating trees and nuts and
berries and each other. Can't sleep at night.
425 b.c. Day Twenty-Two
Dear Diary,
Got so sick of white powder that we skinned and ate the unicorns.
This caused quite a ruckus in the equestrian section, and morale among the
cows and chickens has sunk to a new low. G-d has helped the situation
somewhat by confusing the thoughts of the higher primates, thus keeping them
from undoing the knots on their cages. Only problem is that they know
they're being kept from thinking, and all I hear are anguished cries of
"What are they _doing_ to us?" Meat was stringy anyway, and tasted like
sandal thongs.
425 b.c., Day Thirty
Dear Diary
Can't sleep. Can't eat. Quelled mutiny by executing the centaurs as
an example. Oldest son has developed strange religious beliefs based upon
the frustrated mating cycles of our hyenas. Sight of humpbacked whale off
port bow excited animals into thinking that G-d had sent it to destroy me
and my family. Daughters are tempting me with their wicked ways. The night
has a thousand phantoms that torment my soul.
425 b.c., Day Thirty-Eight
Dear Diary,
I can't be-LEEVE what happened today. You know Bobby Forester,that
rilly cute guy in chemistry class? Get this: he walkd over to where Sondra
and I were talking, and he asked me out to the new James Dean movie with
him! G-d, can you be-LEEVE it? Sondra was _mortified_! (And I know she digs
guys with motorcycles, like, you know she went to see "Wild One" something
like twenty jillion times? She's gonna grow up to be a skag, doncha know...)
So now she's mad a me, but I gotta get some new crinolines because my old
ones got chocolate syrup poured on them last week at the drive-in, so....
425 b.c. Day Thirty-Nine
Dear Diary,
Becoming steadily less connected with day-to-day matters. Read
yesterday's entry: thought someone else had written it. Had vision of
strange birds. Have forgotten what land looks like. See no hope: G-d has
forsaken me. Tomorrow I shall go into the hold and begin putting the animals
out of their misery, and ending this charade once and for all. I shall begin
with the gryphons and dragons.