Reform Rules
The mezuzah: Even if you have no idea what it is, by all means
affirm the Extremely Reform Jewishness of your home by
owning religious artifacts that you find puzzling. Each member
of the household, each time they pass it, should touch it gently
with their fingertips and then kiss their fingertips, until everyone
in the household has the same flu symptoms.
Jewish Dietary Laws are not to be confused with Jewish Laws
of Dieting, though both involve widespread rationalizing and
cheating. Making food kosher involves removing unwanted
impurities, such as flavor. This process is described in greater
detail in the Jewish bestseller, When Bad Things Happen to
Good Cuts of Meat.