Heavenly Memo
Memo to HaShem
From Gabriel HaMalach
On behalf of the Senior Management Group (SMG) and all the angels
in head office, I am pleased to be reporting once again on our Rosh
Hashanah preparations as well as to provide you with our annual world
reports as per the SMG's performance contract.
Let me assure you that all preparations have been completed as
per your directions. The tshuvah committee in the Chosen People division
have been working quite hard to make this our best Rosh Hashanah ever.
Numerous improvements have been made since last year. All individual
appointments with you have been scheduled, including both your human and
heavenly subjects. Please do your best to keep to the schedule. To
better assist you, all personal files have been opened, and 5759
forecasts have been drafted for all of your human subjects, although they
may be revised at your discretion, should penitents achieve the
appropriate tshuvah thresholds (see tshuvah manual, policy 0202-04). Two
tanker trucks full of Din and Rachmonis are ready for your use as you see
fit. The Book of Judgment's software has been upgraded and Avraham
Avinu (#114) has been able to install considerable more RAM. We are ready
to assist as you require, subject to the work breaks stipulated in our
Collective Agreement. We have again hired Leviathan Caterers for your
annual sponsored kiddush. Naturally, they are under your Kashrut
supervision.
Turning to the state of the world: as you know (of course), things
were extremely challenging and busy for us this past year. I wish to
stress that as a bureaucracy, we were in no way, shape or form,
responsible for the following items this past year: the collapse of the
Russian ruble and banking system; world-wide stock market meltdowns;
delays in the Middle East peace process; the Lewinsky/Clinton/Starr
episode; the movie "Spiceworld"; the return of bell-bottoms and the
Volkswagen Beetle; the entire Swiss Bank scandal; the Quebec secession
debate; the falling Canadian dollar; the Asian economic failure; America
OnLine; the Y2K Bug; Cuba; Iraq; North Korea; Bosnia; or Libya. These
are, of course, the sole jurisdiction of Chaos
Incorporated, our offshore competitor. As for the functioning of
your faithful bureaucracy, I am pleased to report that all divisions are functioning at full capacity. Briefly, your Chosen People division
reports a record number of simchot and conversions, but regrets that
intermarriage is also way up. A special task force has been struck to
investigate.
The mitzvah department reports substantial growth in activity,
while unfortunately, the Aveiros department also reports substantial
growth. The Moshiach preparation department is extremely pleased to
report that after considerable effort, Oreos went kosher this year. As
in every other year, Operation Moshiach is ready, awaiting your approval
and fiscal resourcing. Malach Resources division reports that a strike of
the Angels' union was narrowly averted due to successful re-negotiation
of the collective agreement.
As a result, angels (levels 1-3) will receive shorter work weeks
and 10 more minutes in Olam Habah, plus three weeks vacation, not to be
taken during yamim tovim. Of particular note is the early retirement of
the Tooth Fairy. You will recall she filed for long term disability
benefits due to wear and tear, which she attributes to the inflationary
pressure of payments and the conversion of many currencies from paper to
coins. We will be recruiting for her replacement shortly. The business
and accounting division reports a balanced budget, yet again, through the introduction of initiation and building fund fees for our newest members.
This was necessary to offset the Tooth Fairy claim and increased payments
for children's teeth.
In closing, overall, it was a very busy and challenging year. We
seek your forgiveness for our errors not due to lack of training or
proper supervision, and look forward to the coming year in serving you
with professionalism and ceaseless devotion. Amen. Selah.