The Hebrew Geek Code

Example Hebrew Geek Code:

S+++ K++ TM M H+ T t SY+= & SY+++ M AT++ Te+/Te++ SC

-------------------------------------------------------
Qualifiers:    A&B     Means A and B
               A/B     Means ranging from A to B
-------------------------------------------------------



Shabbat Observance
                    S--- I stone people walking to shul on Shabbat
                    S--  Of course.  Every Sunday!
                    S-   Not at all, or, "Shabbat - What's that?"
                    S    Reform
                    S+   Conservative, will drive to shul
                    S++  Traditional, Orthodox
                    S+++ I stone cars on Shabbat


Family              Fa--      Intermarried - I sure do love Xmas!
                    Fa-       Intermarried - but the children will
                              be raised Jewish
                    Fa.n/a    Not applicable.  I'm homosexual.
                    Fa.gm     I'm gay AND I'm married.
                    Fa1       Not married - Single
                    Fa+       I married a Jew.
                    Fa++      I married more than two wives
                              at once.  [Only applicable for
                              Yemenite Jews.  Sorry  :)  ]

                    ,c=#      Where # represents the number of
                              children you have.  Default = 0.

Examples: Fa1   Fa+   Fa+,c=1   Fa++,c=5


Tohorot Mishpacha        TM-- I married a non-Jew, so this doesn't
(Family Purity)               apply
                         TM-  I'm a pagan
                         TM   I'm mostly following the rules
                         TM+  Orthodox
                         TM++ My wife and I have separate houses


Moshiach       M--   He's already come.  Haven't you heard the
                     Good Word?
               M-    Don't believe in it.
               M     Could be
               M+    I believe with perfect faith...
               M++   We want Moshiach now!
               M+++  Watching the Rebbe's grave.
               M++++ I am Moshiach



Kashrut             K--  I only eat at McDonald's.
                         Also: What's kashrut?
                    K-   Jewish in identity, not in practice.
                         Likely to eat ham and cheese, but
                         will say a bracha afterwards
                    K    Very liberal kosher.  Won't eat any Torah
                         forbiden species, won't mix milk and
                         meat.  Will eat eat meat of a permitted
                         animal, even it not proeprly slaughtered.
                    K+   Conservative.  Kashrut fully observed.
                         Two sets of dishes, etc.  Add appropriate
                         strictures as necessary.  If no codes are
                         added, lenient options are default for K+
                    K++  Orthodox kashrut.  Same as Conservative,
                         but unless codes are added, the stricter
                         options are assumed for k++

                    K+++ Satmar or Meshugge kosher.

                         ch+  Will only eat Kosher cheese.
                         ch   Will eat cheese without a hechsher.
                         me+  Will only eat Glatt meat.
                         me   Glatt not necessary.
                         mi+  Will only drink Chalav Yisrael milk.
                         mi   Will drink regular milk.
                         ge+  Won't eat gelatin, diglycerides, etc.
                              unless with an Orthodox hechsher.
                         ge   Will eat gelatin, diglycerides, etc.
                              Considered pareve.
                         wi+  Will only drink kosher wine.
                         wi   Will drink without a hechsher.

Examples: K+   K++  K++,mi    k+,ch+



Hebrew Language     H-   Is 'Jewish' a language?
                    H    I went to Hebrew school. Shalom!
                    H+   I even took it in college.
                    H++  I'm not made fun of too badly by Israelis.
                    H+++ Ani midaberet Ivrit tov Me'od, nu?

Substitute Yid for H to denote Yiddish familiarity.
Substitue Lad for H to denote Ladino familiarity.


Talmud Knowledge    T--- I burn them whenever I get the chance.
                    (Note:  This category is especially useful for
                     apostates like Torquemada.)
                    T--  I'm a Karaite
                    T-   Is that like Torah?
                    T    Studied in Hebrew school
                    T+   Studied in college, competent to argue.
                    T++  Talmud Chochem
                    T+++  Adin Steinsaltz's chevruta.


Tribe:    t    Israel
          t+   Levi
          t++  Cohen
          t+++ Next in line to be the Cohen Gadol
          t?   Not sure (be real - this is most of us!)


How often do I      AT--  Religion is for dweebs!
Attend shul?        AT-   Only for other people's weddings.
                    AT    Regularly!  Every Rosh Hashanah and Yom
                          Kippur, and I also had a Bar/Bat Mitzvah!
                    AT+   High holidays, Shalosh Regalim (Three
                          festivals), and occasional shabbats.
                    AT++  I go on Shabbat.
                    AT+++  And I lay Tefillin on weekdays
                    AT++++ The Rabbi wants to institute a
                           restraining order to keep me away!

What type of        SY--  Jesus loves me, yes he does...
synagogue do        SY-   Allah'hu Akbar!
I go to?            -SY   I don't go to shul
                    SY0   Reconstructionist
                    SY    Reform
                    SY+   Conservative (whatever that means)
                    SY+=  Conservative egalitarian
                    SYCh  Chavura
                    SY++  UTJ/Traditional/Right wing Conservative
                    SY+++ Orthodox
                         SY+++M    Modern Orthodox
                         SY+++Y    Yeshiva Litvak Right wing
                         SY+++C    Chassidic


You can add the appropriate Nusach code shown below.  If you go to
a shul that is different that your background, then just add a
comma after the shul type, and then add the background code.  If
you don't put a code after the shul type, the default is Ashkenazi.
Nusach (What type of Jew am I? )

               A    Ashkenazi
               Az   Nusach HaAri
          (This is a Ashkenazi Chassidic nusach, which is really a
          Sephardi nusach as modifed by Rav Shneur Zalman.)
               SE   Sephardic (European)
               S    Sephardic (North African, Middle East)
               SY   Sephardic (Yementite)
               ET   Beta Yisrael (Ethiopian)
               SI   B'nai Yisrael (India)

Examples:  SY+      SY+/A          SY+/A,SE       SY+,SE



Tefillin            Te-       What's that?  Is it good to eat?
                    Te        I don't wear animal products, dude.
                    Te+       Sure, sometimes.  Irregularly.
                    Te++      Every day, or almost every day.
                              I'm a mensch!  :)
                    Te+++     The doctors say if I don't taken them
                              off soon, they'll have to amputate.
                    Te.n/a    Not applicable, I'm a woman.
                    Te!a      Of COURSE Teffilin is applicable for
                              women!  Rashi's daughters wore them!
                              (For this, add appropriate + or - )

Shabbat Candles     SC-   I don't use matches.  Only you can
                          prevent forest fires.
                    SC    Been there, done that.
                    SC+   Every Shabbat.
                    SC:(  I blow them out afterwards so that they
                          will last longer.
                    SC++  I have been arrested for arson.
                    SC+++ I have been convicted for arson.
     Add a 'W' for "My wife does that"
     Example:   SCW+, SCW ...


Festival Observance:
          FO---  Christmas Tree and Easter Eggs
          FO--   Chanukka Bush and Passover Candy Basket
          FO-    Secular home
          FO     Somewhat Traditional - add the following
                 qualifiers as required:
                    s    Go to a seder
                    m    Light the menorah.
                    p    Make noise and drink on Purim.
                    t    Dance on Simchat Torah
                    su   Eat in a Sukka on Sukkot.
                    sL   Can LEAD a Seder  :)
                    co   Count the Omer
                    hh   Go to High Holiday services.

          FO+    Full Observance - Reform
          FO++   Full Observance - Conservative
                 and Traditional/Non-egalitarian
          FO++=  Same as above, but egalitarian.
          FO+++  Strict Orthodox observance
          FO+++:(   Celebrate all festivals but Israel Independence
                    Day, since Moshiach is not yet here.

Davening (praying) ability
          D--   I daven Gospel.
          D-    What's davening?
          D     I know when to stand, sit and bow.
          D+    I also know the Sh'ma and Kaddish by heart,
                and can somehow make it through most of the rest.
          D++   I can lead services
          D+++  I can also read Torah, Haftarah and Megillot
          D++++ and they'll invite me back a second time


Pesach (Passover)
     P---      Happy Easter!
     P--       Mohammed says to celebrate Moses's birthday !
     P-        I refrain from bacon double cheeseburgers on Pesach.
               No bread at all!  My parents are sooo proud!
     P         Yeah, I think I follow most of the rules.  Mostly.
     PC        Everything except for the part about "Pour out
               thy wrath"
     P+        Even the pet eats tuna and matzah-brei for a week
     P++       I start cleaning right after Hanukkah !
     P+++      Blowtorch the kitchen, buy new dishes every Spring
     P++++     Blowtorch the house, move every Spring (This ties in
               with that arson category of Shabbos candles).

Tzedakah
     Tz-       I'm a professional shnorrer.  Got a dollar?
     Tz        I give a few bucks - but not if it hurts! :(
     Tz+       I actually notice when I give.
     Tz++      Repeat donor to UJA, JNF, UW, or SPCA,  anything
               but the PLO.
     Tz+++     Give till it hurts.  A mensch.  :)
     Tz++++    I'm a Rothschild



Egalitarianism Factor
     E--  Don't touch that with your bare hands, it's a female!
     E-   uh...if a man heard a woman's voice, he'd be so overcome
          with lustful thoughts he wouldn't be able to concentrate
          on his prayers...
     E    OK, OK, LET them wear tefillin and have women's prayer
          groups, just keep them behind the mechitza!  But they
          don't count in a minyan.
     E+   Women (who REALLY have taken on the obligations of tefila
          Tallit and Tefillin) can read Torah and count in minyans.
     E++  Any women (even without taking on the obligations) can
          count in a minyan.
     E+++   I only like women rabbis/ I AM a woman Rabbi /
            I married a woman Rabbi.
     E++++  I'm an ultraliberal lesbian Reconstructionist Rabbi.



Lashon Hora Factor
     L-----    I am Ricki Lake;  Lashon Hora is my job.
     L----     I am a talk show host.
     L---      I have appeared on a talk show and acted like
               a true weenie in front of millions of people.
     L--       I write for check-out counter tabloids.
     L-        I never speak Lashon Hora, but I'll tell you
               someone who does!
     L         If you don't have something nice to say, than
               don't say it.
     L+        I can recite parts of Rabbi Pliskin's "Guard
               Your tounge".  A true mensch.
     L++       The Chofetz Chaim is my inspiration.  I have his
               books, his commentaries, and the new interactive
               CD-ROM.
     L+++      I even refrained from criticising Intel's Pentium
               debacle.  A tzaddik.
               (Note:  People who choose this last option are
               high on morals, but possibly low on modesty)