Things That Would Be Different If Israel Bought Microsoft



  1. The next version of Windows would be named Windows 99; Eh, maybe 2000; Would you settle for Windows 2001?
  2. Every mouse would need to be stamped with the Kosher symbol.
  3. All monitors running Windows would have long curly side-burns.
  4. The Microsoft web site would be backlogged from people trying to download the "Golda Meir Centerfold" theme pack.
  5. Woody Allen would be made Vice President of the "Children's Software" division.
  6. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Verklemmt".
  7. No changes in the legal department.
  8. No charges in the medical department
  9. Hannukah screen savers with "Flying Draydles".
  10. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
  11. Jerry Seinfeld-CEO
  12. The phone support department would now feel very guilty about leaving you "on hold" for 20 minutes.
  13. Internet Explorer would still "browse" the internet, but would be able to negotiate faster bandwidth.
  14. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).
  15. Your [Start] button would be replaced with a [Let's go, I'm not getting any younger] button.
  16. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - you're killing me, You want I should try it again, I didn't hear that".
  17. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already"
  18. During passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies".
  19. Bill Gates official theme song would be "If I were a Rich Man".
  20. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".
  21. Microsoft Office would include "A little bit of this, and a little bit of that".
  22. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
  23. Error messages would become a lot funnier.
  24. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"
  25. "Third Party Drivers" would now be referred to as "Gentile Drivers".
  26. "Monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would be included in with all video games. This would get rid of the "schmootz" on your monitor.
  27. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloofy" ("to sleep", for all you non-Yiddish speaking people).
  28. Your spell checker will now accept "Shiksa" as word.
  29. "Windows 98 Plus" to be renamed "Windows with the Whole Schmeer".
  30. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
  31. Solitaire would be replaced with online "Bingo".
  32. Having Dr. Watson will make your "motherboard" proud.
  33. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
  34. After your computer dies, you would need to wait 3 days before desposing of it.
  35. The "Microsoft Network" would be renamed to "Mahshuguna Net" or "The Knish Knetwork".
  36. Browser "cookies" would become "macaroons".
  37. Microsoft wouldn't become any better at programming "sports" games, but they would be able to handicap the games better.
  38. There would always be a "synagogue" icon near the "network neighborhood" icon.
  39. 56,000 bps matzahs.
  40. Dr. Watson would become a certified Rabbi.
  41. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
  42. Java scripts with some real Schmaltz.
  43. Windows certified "100% pork free".
  44. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
  45. 2 words: Virtual Spielberg
  46. Programs that "Hava na 'run' na 'run'".
  47. Headquarters moved from Seattle to Jerusalem. (Overpriced coffee is replaced by "kugel" as the company snack.)
  48. The Vatican counters with a hostile takeover of Netscape.
  49. New beta versions of Windows dubbed "Brooklyn", "Miami", and "Tel Aviv".



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