Sue G-d
My column today is about a miscarriage of justice to rival the Academy
Awards' continued snubbing of Pamela Anderson for a "Best Special
Effects" Oscar. It pains me to report that we still live in a country
where a lawsuit can be dismissed just because it names as defendants
Ronald Reagan, George Bush, and God.
As reported in an Associated Press article on CNN's webpage, the lawsuit
in question was filed by one Donald S. Drusky, who was seeking
compensation for his 1968 firing from U.S. Steel. The suit, quoted in
the article, lists as Mr. Drusky's grounds for action against God that
"Defendant God is the sovereign ruler of the universe and took no
corrective action against the leaders of his Church and his Nation for
their extremely serious wrongs, which ruined the life of Donald S.
Drusky." The lawsuit goes on to also name as defendants "former
presidents Ronald Reagan and George Bush, the television networks, all
50 states, every single American, all federal judges, and the 100th
through 105th congresses[.]" (It is left unexplained why Mr. Drusky
failed to name additional agents of misery and suffering, such as Sam
Donaldson's toupee.)
Had Mr. Drusky won, his suit demanded compensation from God including
the restoration of his youth and the resurrection of his pet pigeon. In
any case, the point turned out to be moot; U.S. District Judge Norman
Mordue dismissed Mr. Drusky's lawsuit as frivolous. (The article does
not specify that Judge Mordue then gave Mr. Drusky several sharp whacks
on the head with his gavel, but I believe in my heart of hearts that
this is what happened.)
When I first heard about this lawsuit, my initial reaction was to make
sure that it hadn't been filed in the court system of some foreign
nation, such as the planet Neptune. Upon finding out that this was not
the case, it occurred to me that suing God might be the greatest legal
innovation since rhyming defense summations. I have a few grumbles
about my life, none of which could possibly be my fault or
responsibility. As a former resident of New Mexico (home of the
$3,000,000 spilled cup of coffee) I know that someone must be
responsible for these conditions, and who could be more responsible than
God? Accordingly, rather than attempt to solve these problems on my
own, or dismiss them as superficial blemishes on an excellent life, I
shall forthwith file lawsuits against God on the following complaints:
Loss of Income. Whenever I buy a stock, it drops faster
than Bill Clinton's Yugoslavian poll numbers. This is not
a coincidence. DAMAGES: 10000 preferred shares of
Microsoft, Bill Gates’ personal password, and all
broadcast rights to the phrase "Y2K."
Restraint of Trade. For some reason, I am not a popular
syndicated columnist who could sell a million copies of a
book containing his transcribed gastric rumblings. Since
God has not sent a plague of locusts down on the print
media (the New Yorker excepted), He is obviously being
remiss in His duties. DAMAGES: Dave Barry's job, two dogs
named "Ernest" and "Zippy," and a son named "Rob."
Alienation of Affection. My luck with women somewhat
resembles Lizzie Borden's success with family counseling.
This is obviously due to God not giving me the charisma of
Sean Connery. DAMAGES: A Scottish accent, and a date with
the latest Bond girl. On second thought, just send the
Bond girl.
Unfortunately for my litigious plans, though, I can't file any of these
suits unless Mr. Drusky's case is reinstated. I hope that Neptune has a
speedy appellate process.