Palestinians Kidnap Martha Stewart
by C.M. De Recksieck
Jerusalem, Israel -- In a shocking move, West Bank Palestinians have
kidnapped do-it-yourself maven Martha Stewart late Monday evening. It
is unknown exactly who is responsible for the disappearance of the model
turned stock broker turned caterer turned craft guru.
Last year's tentative agreement between Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin
Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority Leader Yassir Arafat has been shaky,
at best, during the past few months. More militant Palestinians have
been contending that the Middle East has been losing international
attention and that something drastic needed to be done to achieve
Israeli troop withdrawals in the West Bank. Opportunity knocked for
these opportunists when Ms. Stewart (divorced for five years) was on a
tour of Jerusalem about to film her planned ABC-TV special, "Ways To
Dress Up The Wailing Wall."
Eyewitnesses say that Stewart was abducted by three young men in a
public marketplace where she was carving a kiwi into a bust of Anwar
Sadat. The unidentified men then quickly shoved her and her longtime
aide-de-camp Larry into a van, denying her strident requests to be
allowed to change into her "good walking shoes." Stewart did have armed
security agents with her, but 20 minutes prior to the incident she had
dispatched them to round up discarded rounds of ammunition which she
planned to use to make into decorative shade pulls..
It is believed that the 48-year-old doily maker and her lawn care
specialist Larry are in good health, though reports are sketchy. She
was allowed by her captors to make a brief statement earlier today,
where she said she was being fed, "and it's a good thing, although some
carrot sticks would have balanced out the undercooked gruel." She also
reassured her cadre of assistants back home, "Please don't worry, but
for the love of G-d, plant the bulbs soon or they won't flower at all
this year."
No Palestinian groups would take responsibility for the abduction.
Palestine Authority and longtime PLO leader Yassir Arafat not only
denied all responsibility for the disappearance of the craft Svengali,
but lamented the fact that their planned "summit" would not take place.
Apparently as a gesture of international goodwill, Stewart was scheduled
to help Arafat convert an old barracks into a sewing room and prepare
"fun sausage balls" for Arafat's advisors.
Speculative reports have come out of the compound where Stewart and
assistant Larry are being held saying that Stewart remains in good
spirits, making a decorative wreath of rocks and pebbles and made a
centerpiece of the Masada monument out of discarded chicken bones.
Her disappearance has been major international news. The New York Post
ran a huge banner headline which read, "Martha Stewart -- Living?"
So far, the kidnapping has not created the international outrage that
her captors were hoping for. In fact, Ms. Stewart's multi-media empire
seems to be intact. Her disappearance will not affect the publication
of her magazine, the publication of her syndicated column or her Today
Show appearances.