The Extremely Reform Passover Haggadah
. . . The Extremely Reform Story of Exodus. Here the leader of the Seder and
the guests take turns reading aloud the biblical account of the miraculous
rescue.
In the beginning our ancestors prayed to many gods. As it is written: "In days
of old, our forefathers lived beyond the river and worshipped idols. And to walk
humbly with thy god involved lugging around a heavy statue. Now we worship the
Eternal, because of His covenant with our father Abraham. For the Holy One said
unto Abraham: 'You will worship me and only me. In exchange, thy children will
be strangers in a land not their own. They will be enslaved there and be
afflicted for four hundred years. And by the way, you are all going to have to
be circumcised. Any questions?'"
Raise the cup of wine.
And this covenant has sustained us, for more than once they have risen up against
us and tried to destroy us, in every generation they try to destroy us, but the
Holy One, blessed be He, always delivers us, though not right away, as it is
written: "Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery."
Put down the cup.
A wandering Aramean was my father. It made for a difficult childhood. But enough
about my problems. For it came to pass that Jacob and his sons went down to Egypt,
as it is written: "And Jacob said to Pharaoh, to sojourn in the land we have come,
for there is no pasture for our flocks, since the famine is sore upon the face of
Canaan." And Pharaoh said, "I had sores like that once. You should spend less time
in the sun."
And the children of Israel were fruitful and increased abundantly and waxed mighty,
as it is written: "And the children of Israel mightily increased the abundance of
waxed fruit."
And the Egyptians did evil unto us, as it is written: "And Pharaoh said unto his
taskmasters, 'The children of Israel are waxing too much fruit. Let us do evil
unto them.'"
And we cried unto the Eternal, the G-d of our fathers, and the Eternal heard our
voice, and He saw our affliction, and our toil, and our oppression. And He said
unto us, "If thou thinkest this is bad, wait till thou seeest what happens to
Job."
But G-d remembered His covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob and he
said unto His people: "A covenant is a covenant. I will rescue you and bring you
to the land of milk and honey, which is not as sticky as it sounds."
And the Eternal brought us forth from Egypt, not by the hand of an angel, not
by the hand of a seraph, not by the hand of a messenger, not by the hand of
Alan Dershowitz, but by Himself, in His glory and in His Self, as it is
written: "And I will pass through the land of Egypt on that night, and I will
smite all the first-born in the land of Egypt, both man and beast, and against
all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment. It is I the Eternal and not an
angel, I and not a seraph, I and not a messenger, I and not Alan Dershowitz."
And the children of Israel girded up their loins and wrapped sackcloth around
them, for no particular reason. And then the children of Israel took coconuts
and almonds and chocolates and egg whites before they had leavened and bound
them up in their clothing. And they made macaroons of the coconuts and almonds
and chocolates and egg whites which they had brought forth from Egypt, as it
is written: "Bake for 20 minutes or until brown; let stand; serve when cool."
For they were thrust out of Egypt and could not tarry, neither had they
prepared for themselves any toll house cookies.