the legal stuff is at the end use of this site signifies
agreement with this statement.
send all your jokes to us at
shinyshoes@bigfoot.com
it's a hobby.
-------------------------------------------------------
Here I sit, broken-hearted,
All logged in, but work unstarted.
First net.this and net.that,
And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
The boss comes by, and I play a game,
Then I turn back to net.flame.
Is there any cure (I need your views)
For someone trapped in net.news?
I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
-------
2 people are talking to eachother.
1) ?Habla usted esapnol?
2) No, Yo no hablo espanol. Yo hablo englis solemente.
-------
a person from country A and a person from country B
are talking.
A: Is it true that people from Country B always answer
a question with a question?
B: well, where did you hear that from??
-------
Somethings to consider:
Are you feeling old? If not, consider this:
.. The people who are starting college this fall across
the nation were born in 1980.
.. The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were
conceived.
.. They have no memory of a time before M-TV.
..''New Wave'' is their PARENTS musical generation.
Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks,
the Sex Pistols -- are all old music they have
heard of, if they have heard of it at all.
.. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
.. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
.. If they have heard the name Oliver North, it was
probably as a losing Congessional candidate, or
perhaps in some obscure survey history text's
reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or
Teapot Dome.
.. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as
the Great Depression.
.. Their world has always included AIDS.
.. Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can
romanticize the 1970s.
.. They see Family Ties as something middle aged ladies
watch.
.. They watched Star Wars years ago, when they were kids
-- on video.
.. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette
audiotapes.
.. From their earliest years, a camera was something you
used once and threw away.
.. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32
cents.
.. The oil crisis is history of which they probably know
nothing -- and why anyone WOULDN'T buy a suburban is
beyond them.
.. Most of them have probably never seen a real nun, even if
they went to Catholic schools.
So, my superannuated friends, why don't we all get
together and feel obsolete over some Geritol Tea?
---------------------------------------------------------------
++useful quotes:
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room
temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
hermits have no peer pressure
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, ''No
thanks - I'm not going that far.''
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door
complained.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman
talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
Our problems stem from our acceptance of this filthy rotten system.
-Dorothy Day, Catholic activist
Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow you may eat fried rice!
There once was a man who drank 6 cokes but burped 7 up.
have no fear for I am here.
Yesterday, i bought a solar powered flashlight.
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but
doesn't. -- Unknown
Avoid reality at all costs.
What's a matta, don't ya wanna get fatta?
brain: The apparatus by which we think we think.
oh, had it been that we were never born . To get away from taxes and death.
but who has been blessed such? only 1 in 1 billion perhaps.
don't drink and drive, you might spill the beer
take an F like a man!!
''...all the modern inconvieneces...'' -mark twain.
biuld a system even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it
''...but officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
to the nearest gas station.''
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on tape somewhere.
Sergeon General Warning: do not do anything where you might get
hurt.(it's the law)
if i had known that i would be pope one day, i would have studied harder.
- ??POPE??
Pick a different fortune cookie.
A preposition is a word that you don't end a sentence with.
Bob: well i AM dead!!
A lady after getting aol stated that she'd gotten ''american airlines''
Say NO to eight-letter filenames.
your analyst has you mixed you up with another patient. Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
you know that you go out to eat to much when the waiters know your name
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
The test was easy, just the answers were hard.
without icecream, life and fame are meaningless.
May a Misgiuded Platypus lay eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
In capitolism, man expliots man; in socialism,
it's reversed.
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
In India, cold weather is merely a conventional phrase
that has come into use through the necessity of having
some way to distinguish between weather which will
melt a brass door knob and weather which will only
make it mushy. -Mark twain
I can resist everything except temptation.
If you can't put 2 and 2 together, why don't you try to
put 2 and 3 together.
I told my doctor that I get all the excercise I need by
being pallbearer for all my friends who excercise.
- Winston Churchill.
Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
You know you go out to eat to much when you start making
a heading for going out to eat in your budget book.
Great minds run on a track that other minds sometimes
follow.
....my pappy was a pistol, I'm a son of a gun.
- roger miller
Merry Christmas to all, and to all, gesundiet.
Art is anything you can get away with.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have
film.
There's no future in time travel.
Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until
dawn.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Boycott shampoo ! Demand the REAL poo !
Smith & Wesson: the original point and click interface.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Death is hereditary.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling
out.
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
Dyslexics of the world, Untie!
Beat the 5 o'clock rush - leave work at noon.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.
Oh Lord, give me patience... and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!!!
A good pun is it's own reword.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
To err is human, to moo is bovine.
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened,
small stain.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Microsloth: ''Bringing your ten year old technology,
tomorrow, maybe.''
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
There's an exception to every rule, except this one.
I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.
WARNING TO ALL EMPLOYEES:
random firings will proceed until morale increases.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the
question is wrong??
Would black-mail sent electronically be called
e-black-mail or black-e-mail?
Cannot find REALITY.SYS - Universe halted
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
I got a life but it won't run on my operating system.
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
Computers are not intelligent - They only think they
are
My software never has bugs - It just develops random
features
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<---------- The information went data way -------------
Best file compression around:
[DEL] = 100% compression
The definition of an upgrade:
Take old bugs out, put new ones in
BREAKFAST.COM Halted . . . Cereal Port not responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2d down, 4th quarters, 5 yards
to go!
Access denied - - nah nah nah nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! - Go stand in the
corner
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
E Pluribus Modem
>...File not found - Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Reboot Washington, DC? (Y/.N)
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Anything else new? (Y/N)
USA.SYS Corrupted: Reboot Constitution? (Y/N)
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord
11th Commandment: Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium
24 hours in a day .... 24 beers in a case ....
coincidence?
Windows: just another pane in the glass
SENILE.COM found .... Out of Memory
Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee
RAM disk is not an installation procedure
Shell to DOS .... Come in DOS - Do you copy?
Computer: a device designed to speed up and automate
errors
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue . . .
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue . . .
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI
Error: keyboard not attached - Press F1 to continue
DOS tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
Press any key . . . no, No, NO!!! Not THAT one!
Press [CTRL][ALT]DEL] to continue . . .
Hit any user to continue . . .
--Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
--A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
--An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
--Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
--All computers wait at the same speed.
--DEFINITION: Computer---A device designed to speed and
automate errors.
--E-mail returned to sender---insufficient voltage.
--Help! I'm modeming...and I can't hang up!!!
--All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
--''640K ought to be enough for anybody.'' - Bill
Gates, 1981
--Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
--Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_|''
--Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
--Read my chips: No new upgrades!
--2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
--I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
--Will the information superhighway have any rest
stops?
--Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
--Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
--Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
--(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
--(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
--If debugging is the process of removing bugs,
then programming must be the process of putting
them in.
--Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
--Programmer: A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of
conversing with inanimate objects.
--Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to
write, it should be hard to understand.
--XMODEM: A spot-marking transfer protocol.
--YTERM: A terminal program for queries.
--SQWERTY: Computer keyboard sized down for use by
children.
--SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK
CRASHING.
--The attention span of a computer is as long as its
electrical cord.
--Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the
computer.
--BATCH: A group, kinda like a herd.
--Computer modelers simulate it first.
--Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
--Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
--The name is Baud......, James Baud.
--C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
--C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
--Why doesn't DOS ever say ''EXCELLENT command or
filename!''
--Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy?
Shell to DOS...
--Press -- to continue...
--REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
-------
What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the loser's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
-------
Scene: Health Fair
little boy: Look, that man is wearing underwear made out of
leaves. I want some underwear made out of leaves too.
grandpa: It's OK jimmy, this is a science exhibet. He's
wearing those clothes so that you can learn about
his body parts(then in whisper) you people are
disgusting.
-------
A docter, architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of
their argument, they got all the way back to the Garden of
Eden, whereupon the doctor said,''The medical profession is
clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's ribs,
as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical
feat.''
The architect did not agree. He said,''But if you
look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos
and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world was
created. So God must have been an architect.''
The computer scientist, who had been listening to
all of this said,''Yes, but where do you think the chaos
came from?''
-------
(the following is a TRUE story!)
A man was driving the great Harry Houdini to a magician's
conference. When Houdini went to open the Model-T's door
because they got to the conference Houdini said,
''Say - how do you get out of this thing?''
-------
Candidate for a Pullet Surprise by Jerrold H. Zar
I have a spelling checker
it came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea
Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure reel glad two no
Its vary polished in it's weigh
My checker tolled me sew
A checker is a bless sing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me right awl stiles two reed
And aides me when aye rime
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule
Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot brig a tier
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of which won should be proud
And weee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud
Sew ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas
And why aye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.
-------
there once was a pastor who was to give a baptism and a
communion the next day. he was very nervous as this was
the first time he was doing this. He was memorizing all
the things to say. He was memorizing ''I baptize you in
the name of the Father , Son, and Holy Spirit.'' and
''Now we take this bread to gether. Eat ye all of it'' and
''now we take this wine. Drink ye all of it '' and all
the baptizing motions and all the communion motions. The
next day, he was at the water tank with the person he was to
baptize. He said as he dunked the person, ''I baptize thee
in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, now drink
ye all of it.''
-------
Scene: a pastor is praying at his host's house.
pastor: ... and bless this fine Christian family, Amen.
boy: We're not Christians(adults gasp) we're baptists!!
-------
(best viewed with a nonproportional font)
A Male Choses His Clothing
------------ ----------- ------------------- -------
|Are there | No | Are there | What's a | Are there clothes | No | Buy |
|clothes in|---->|clothes in | hamper? | strewn in random |---->| more |
|dresser? | |the hamper?|---------->|piles on the floor?| |clothes|
---------- ----------- ------------------- -------
| Yes | Yes | Yes
+---------------------------------------------
|
V
---------------
| Take whatever |
| is on top |
--------------- ------------------------
| | |
V V |
-------- No --------- -----------
| Is |---------->| Perform | Ohmigosh | Spray |
| it | Not sure | smell |----------->| with |
| clean? |---------->| test | | deodorant |
-------- --------- -----------
| Yes | Not bad
+--------------------
|
V
-------------- --------- -------------
|For underwear:| Which ones are |Will they| I may get |Place item on|
|Are there many| for my legs? | be | arrested. | dirty pile; |
| holes? |---------------->| visible?|------------>| start over |
-------------- --------- -------------
| No | No
+---------------------------------
|
V
--------- ------------ -----------------------------------
| Is it | Yes | Do you | Yes |But would you rather have a tick on|
|wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->| your eyeball than iron a shirt? |
--------- ------------ -----------------------------------
| No | No | Yes
+------------------------------------------------
|
V
-------- Kinda ------- ---------
| Does |----------------->| Is it | No | Seek the|
| it | Does it what? | dark |---->|advice of|
| match? |----------------->| out? | | a female|
-------- ------- ---------
| Yes | Yes
+--------------------------
|
V
----------
| Put on |
| clothes! |
============
-------
The Great American Firehouse Chili Cookoff
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding
Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili
cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the
original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table watching
Jan serve at the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of
those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and
therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards
from the event:
Chili # 1:
Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
THUMPER: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Jan gave me
two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.
These people are crazy.
Chili # 2:
Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
THUMPER: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. Jan pours two
glasses of beer down my thoat and starts to give me the CPR.
Chili # 3:
Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs
more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
THUMPER: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've
located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now and got out of my way so I could
make it to the beer wagon. Jan pounded me on the
back so hard now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. After she wiped my tears..
Chili # 4:
Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much
of a chili.
THUMPER: I felt something scraping across my tongue but
was unable to taste it. Jan was standing behind
me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash
over to see her. Jan took my cellular phone to
call our insurance agent and make sure my life
insurance policy is up to date. (Real funny Jan
ha ha ha)
Chili # 5:
Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
THUMPER: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I belched and four people in front of me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when
I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Jan saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates
me that one of the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Chili # 6:
Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
THUMPER: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except Jan. I asked if she wants to go
dancing later.
Chili # 7:
Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note
that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears
to be in a bit of distress.
THUMPER: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull
the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the
sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My clothes are covered
with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth
at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what
killed me. Go Jan, save yourself before it's too
late. Tell our son I'm sorry I am not going to be
there for him anymore. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it
in through the hole in my stomach. Jan called the
X-Files people and told them I barfed up a NEW
life form!
Chili # 8:
Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled
the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili,
safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
THUMPER: Wow I see a bright light in front of me --
everything is peaceful and I feel as though I've
left my (now destroyed) human body. I reach out
for the warm, soft light light that I know is my
reward. My hand grabs a HEADLIGHT attached to the
PARAMEDICS van. Jan wavs goodbye as they shovel
up my insides and they take my tounge and I away.
-------
A person named Pat walks into a store. The person asks the
clerk,Gimme some nails. pat receives the nails in a bag, pays, and
leaves. When the pat gets home, Pat goes inside and tries to put
the nails where the pat wants them to be in vain. all she can
do is say, ouch, i wanted finger nails, not nails!!!!!!!!
-------
NEW DELHI, India (Reuter) - When the curator of the
world's largest toilet museum asks you to take a seat,
it is difficult not to giggle.
But the Sulabh International Museum of Toilets,
which greets visitors with ferns sprouting from a toilet
bowl at its main entrance on the dusty outskirts of
Delhi, takes the business of bathrooms very seriously.
The museum chronicles the rise of the toilet
from 2500 B.C. to 1980, when the first ''auto-control''
toilet was installed. -From the humble chamber pot to
the mighty septic tank, it tells of the vital role that
the bowl played in history.
''Toilets were the places where many a
conspiracy was hatched,'' a plaque on the wall says.
''Toilets were the mirrors of fortune where chaplains
calculated how long it would take to become bishop; the
income and credit of a man depended on his method of
defecation; they were sites for rendezvous.''
Replete with models and photographs of ornately
carved and painted urinals and commodes, the museum is
rich in toilet literature, as poems extolling the
virtues of human excrement and exhorting readers to
break wind adorn its walls.
''Suck your fingers, beast/Do not wipe them on
the wall,'' reads a 19th century graffito.
A tall wooden bookcase in the corner is
crammed with thin, hard-bound volumes about latrines,
waste disposal systems and human excretory practices
through history across the world.
That such a memorial exists in India, where
many people ease themselves behind bushes and on
roadsides, may seem misplaced. But the museum, part of a
larger complex owned by the Sulabh International Social
Service Organization, is located next to a plant that
generates fuel from human excrement and is sustained
by a string of public toilets along the main road
outside.
In 1970 Sulabh -- Hindi for ''convenient'' --
set up India's first pay toilets. The group's more than
650,000 public toilets are now used by some 10 million
people every day. This is part of a social campaign to
end sewage collecting.
Sulabh founder Bindeshwar Pathak says he has
dedicated his life to restoring human dignity to the
600,000 men and women who earn their living by carrying
nightsoil. The group, which runs a school for their
children, has already found new jobs for more than
40,000 sewage collectors.
''I think the subject of the toilet is more
important than other social challenges like literacy and
poverty, because a lack of hygiene is a national health
hazard,'' Pathak told Hong Kong's International
Symposium on Public Toilets in May.
The museum opened in March 1994 after Pathak,
inspired by a similar smaller museum in Austria, wrote
to over 100 embassies for historical details of toilets
in their home countries.
Its red-carpeted inner room displays a model of
Louis XII's high-backed wooden throne which served as
his toilet as well. A note tells readers of a jester in
the king's court who chided him for ''eating alone and
defecating in company.''
The king, along with Louis XIV, Henri IV's
grandson and Louis XIII, was among the many French
rulers to hold court, write letters and issue orders
while seated there.
A modern American Portapotty rests on a glass
table in a corner, not far from a miniature west
European medieval toilet on a pedestal.
Two laminated boards, crowded with details of
toilet-related anecdotes and social customs, span the
length of the narrow room. They are surrounded by
photographs and diagrams of water closets, bidets and
chamber pots from all over the world.
Queen Elizabeth I and James I had cushioned
toilet-seats decorated with lace. James V of Scotland
spent a princely fortune of 52 sterling on 15.5 yards
of damask to cover his bowl. Queen Victoria preferred
gold and turquoise and Henry VIII was partial to gold
rivets set on black velvet.
The lavatory through the ages has been called
the privy, the convenience, the necessary room, the
conscience for relieving nature (in Japanese), the
private chapel, the hiding hall, the can, the john and
the guardrobe.
Ancient Indians invented the first waste sewage
system in 2,500 B.C. Six centuries later, Mesopotamians
created flush toilets fed by abundant river water.
Latrines were also found under the debris of Mount
Vesuvius which erupted in 84 B.C., while Marco Polo in
1271 spoke of toilets in the Gobi Desert.
While 1st century Romans levied taxes on
toilets and forced the invention of a 20-person
lavatory, France decreed it mandatory in 1700 for all
residents to build them or face eviction, as did England
in 1848 after a cholera epidemic.
Toilet art reached its zenith in the 18th
century when faces and eyes were drawn on the bottom of
chamber pots. Merino wool served as the toilet paper of
the affluent while peasants had to make do with pages
torn from books, hemp -- and pebbles.
This museum is now online: http://www.sulabhtoiletmuseum.org/
-------
2 men are on a deserted island with a phone booth.
one guy says to the other: For the last time,
I DON'T HAVE ANY QUARTERS!
-Gary Larson(far side)
-------
SCENE: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a
rabbit is sitting outside his burrow,
tippy-tapping on his typewriter.
Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
FOX: What are you working on?
RABBIT: My thesis.
FOX: Hmm. What's it about?
RABBIT: Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes.
(incredulous pause)
FOX: That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits
don't eat foxes.
RABBIT: Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me.
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a
few minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his
typewriter and resumes typing.
Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the
hardworking rabbit.
WOLF: What's that you're writing?
RABBIT: I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves.
(loud guffaws)
WOLF: You don't expect to get such rubbish published,
do you?
RABBIT: No problem. Do you want to see why?
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again
the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes,
and goes back to typing.
SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner,
there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner,
a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the
room a huge lion is belching and picking his
teeth.
(The End)
MORAL: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis
subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data.
What does matter is who you have for a thesis
advisor.
-------
There once was a well respected Captain. His name was Capt. Williams. He
had an odd habit. Every morning, he would open his safe, take out a piece of
paper, read it, close his eyes for 10 seconds, and put it back in the safe.
No one knew what it said on the paper nor why the Captain had this odd custom.
After he died, his wife was rumaging through some papers and found the
combination for the safe. She immediatly went to the safe and opened it.
She carefully lifted out the paper and braced herself for the discovery
of her life. The paper had six words on it: Starbord is right; port is left.
-------
Rollerblade Barbie
As executive director of the Bureau of Consumer Alarm, I am always on the
alert for news stories that involve two key elements:
1. Fire
2. Barbie
So I was very interested when alert reader Michael Robinson sent me a column
titled Ask Jack Sunn from the Dec. 13, 1993, issue of the Jackson, Miss.,
Clarion-Ledger. Here's an excerpt from a consumer's letter to this column,
which I am not making up:
''Last year, my two daughters received presents of two Rollerblade
Barbie dolls by Mattel. On March 8, my 8-year-old daughter was playing
beauty shop with her 4-year-old brother. After spraying him with hair
spray, the children began to play with the boot to Rollerblade Barbie. My
little girl innocently ran the skate across her brother's bottom, which
immediately ignited his clothes.''
The letter adds that ''There are no warnings concerning fire on these toys
....I feel the need to warn potential buyers of their danger.''
In his response, Jack Sunn says, cryptically, that ''Mattel does not
manufacture Rollerblade Barbie any more.'' He does not address the
critical question that the consumer's letter raised in my mind, as I'm
sure it did yours, namely: Huh?
I realized that the only way to answer this question was to conduct a
scientific experiment. As you may recall, last year, in response to a news
item concerning a kitchen fire in Ohio, I did an experiment proving that if
you put a Kellogg's strawberry Pop-Tart in a toaster and hold the toaster
lever down for five minutes and 50 seconds, the Pop-Tart will turn into a
snack-pastry blowtorch, shooting flames up to 30 inches high. Also, your
toaster will be ruined.
The problem was that I did not have a Rollerblade Barbie. My son happens
to be a boy, and we never went through the Barbie phase. We went through
the Masters of the Universe phase. For two years our household was the
scene of a fierce, unceasing battle between armies of good and evil action
figures. They were everywhere. You'd open up the salad crisper, and there
would be He-Man and Skeletor, striking each other with carrots.
So at the end of a recent column, I printed a note appealing for a
Rollerblade Barbie. I got two immediately; one from Renee Simmons of
Clinton, Iowa, and one from Randy Langhenry of Gainesville, Ga., who said
it belonged to his 6-year-old daughter, Greta. (''It would help me if you
could get Barbie back to north Georgia before Greta notices she's gone,''
Randy wrote.)
Rollerblade Barbie is basically a standard Barbie, which is to say, she
represents the feminine beauty ideal, if your concept of a beautiful female
is one who is six feet, nine inches tall and weighs 52 pounds (37 of which
are in the bust area) and has a rigidly perky smile and eyeballs the size
of beer coasters and a one-molecule nose and enough hair to clog the Lincoln
Tunnel.
But what makes this Barbie special is that she's wearing two little yellow
Rollerblade booties, each of which has a wheel similar to the kind found
in cigarette lighters, so that when you roll Barbie along, her booties shoot
out sparks. This seems like an alarming thing for Rollerblades to do, but
Barbie, staring perkily ahead, does not seem to notice.
To ensure high standards of scientific accuracy, I conducted the experiment
in my driveway. Aside from Rollerblade Barbie, my materials consisted of
several brands of hair spray and -- this was a painful sacrifice -- a set
of my veteran underwear (estimated year of purchase: 1968). I spread the
underwear on the driveway, then sprayed it with hair spray, then made
Rollerblade Barbie skate across it, sparking her booties. I found that if
you use the right brand of hair spray -- I got excellent results with Rave
-- Rollerblade Barbie does indeed cause the underwear to burst dramatically
into flame.
(While I was doing this, a neighbor walked up, and I just want to say that
if you think it's easy to explain why you're squatting in your driveway,
in front of a set of burning underwear, surrounded by hair spray bottles,
holding a Barbie doll in your hand, then you are mistaken.)
At this point, the only remaining scientific question -- I'm sure this has
occurred to you -- was: Could Rollerblade Barbie set fire to a Kellog's
strawberry Pop-Tart? The answer turns out to be yes, but you have to be
in the act of hair-spraying the Pop-Tart when Barbie Rollerblades over it,
so you get a blowtorch effect that could very easily set fire to Barbie's
hair, not to mention your own personal self. Plus you get tart filling in
the booties.
So we can see why Mattel ceased manufacturing Rollerblade Barbie. I imagine
that whichever toy designer dreamed up this exciting concept has been
transferred to Mattel's coveted Bosnia plant. But what should be done about
all the Rollerblade Barbies that are already in circulation? I believe that
the only solution is for all concerned consumers to demand that our
congress-humans pass a federal law requiring that all underwear, snack
pastries and other household objects carry a prominent label stating:
WARNING! DO NOT SPRAY HAIR SPRAY ON THIS OBJECT
AND SKATE ROLLERBLADE BARBIE OVER IT!
But that is not enough. We also need to appropriate millions of dollars
for a massive federal effort to undo the damage that has been done so far.
I'm talking about scraping this crud off my driveway.
Also, the taxpayers owe Greta a new Barbie.
-------
a man walks into a bar. he orders a beer ''on the rocks.'' 2 minutes later
he finds himself out in the middle of the ocean on a small island
consisting of only 4 rocks huddled next to eachother with a beer in his
hand. he then says to himself ''i had meant: with ice.''
Moral: be specific and don't use slang.
-------
SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO WATCH LIST
New York, ________ -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software
(PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been
added to the group's watch list of companies that regularly
practice software testing.
''There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that
companies like these can market new products,'' said Ken Granola,
spokesperson for PETS. ''Alternative methods of testing these
products are available.''
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo
lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or
days at a time. Employees are assigned to ''break'' the software
by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they
often joke about ''torturing'' the software.
It is no joke, said Granola. Innocent programs, from the day they
are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and crashed for hours on
end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained
computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they are not needed
anymore.
Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is
infested with bugs. We know alternatives to this horror exist, he said,
citing
industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become
extremely successful without resorting to software testing.
-------
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
Or some joker who is slicker
Will trick you of your liquor
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock
-------
computer weirdo stories
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her response, ''I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the
computer's mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something
to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power
switch, she asked ''What power switch?''
Compaq is considering changing the command ''Press Any Key'' to
''Press Return Key'' because of the flood of calls asking where the
''Any'' key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out
to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to
diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the
diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked
the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up
and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the
technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper
by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the ''send''
key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech referred him to the local Egghead. ''Yeah, I got me a
couple of friends,'' the customer replied. When told Egghead was a
software store, the man said, ''Oh, I thought you meant for me to find
a couple of geeks.''
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with
soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all
the keys and washing them individually.
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
enraged because his computer had told him he was ''bad and an
invalid''. The tech explained that the computer's ''bad command'' and
''invalid'' responses shouldn't be taken personally.
-------
You have new mail.
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
-------
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a
US naval ship with authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland released by the Chief of Naval
Operations, 10-10-95.
#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.
#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.
#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
#1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, WE ARE A
LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.
-------
NEW DELHI, India (Reuter) - McDonald's opened its first
restaurant in India Sunday serving up a mutton-based Maharaja
Mac in place of the traditional Big Mac.
The restaurant is the first McDonald's in history not to
offer beef or pork or their derivatives. Instead it offers
mutton and vegetable products.
Hindus, who make up more than 80 percent of India's 950
million people, do not eat beef. Many are vegetarians.
The ''Maharaja Mac'' will contain mutton -- eaten by
non-vegetarian Hindus as well as Muslims, who shun pork.
''Initially we would like to concentrate on Delhi and Bombay
and we are looking at 20 outlets in next three years,'' Steve
Simpson, vice-president McDonald's International, told Reuters.
The first McDonald's family restaurant was opened in an
upmarket New Delhi neighborhood.
Simpson said Macdonald's would not encounter the same
difficulties as Pepsico's Kentucky Fried Chicken chains in
India.
''We have spent years studying not only the Indian market
but also Indian culture and we have taken pains to ask people
about their preferences and reservations and they understand
that we are culturally sensitive,'' Simpson said.
Farmers protesting against ''cultural imperialism''
ransacked a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in the southern
city of Bangalore in January.
-------
=A Poem based on Edgar Allen Poe's THE RAVEN=
ABORT, RETRY IGNORE?
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and waster paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing.
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
''Save!'' I said, ''You cursed mother! Save my date from before!''
One thing did the phospors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, ''Abort, Retry, Ignore?''
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
-From ''Abort, Retry, Ignore?''
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying ''Abort, Retry, Ignore?''
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as
hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading ''Abort, Retry, Ignore?''
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lighning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even ''Abort, Retry, Ignore?''
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world is wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading ''Abort, Retry, Ignore?''
-------
A duck waddles into a bar and asks the bartender, ''Do you have any
grapes?''. The bartender says ''No'' and the duck waddles out.
A few minutes later the duck waddles back and asks the bartender, ''Do you
have any grapes?''. The bartender screams, ''I already told you that I
don't have any grapes, now get out!'' The duck waddles out.
After a few minutes the duck returns and asks the bartender, ''Do you have
any grapes?''. The bartender jumps up and shouts, ''Listen, I already
told you that I don't have ANY grapes, if you come back in here and ask me
again I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!!'' The duck waddles out.
Ten minutes later the duck waddles back and asks the bartender, ''Do you
have
any nails?''. The bartender says, ''No, I don't have any nails.''
So the duck says, ''Do you have any grapes?''
-------
3 cows are walking down the street. They walk into a McDonalds. One
orders a Salad, Another orders a Fried fish sandwich. The last cow orders
a cheese burger.they go and sit down at a table. After the guy with the salad
takes a bite out of the salad he says ''Hmmm, better than grass.'' After
the guy with the fried fish sandwich takes a bite, he says,''tastes fishy.''
After the last guy takes a bite out of his cheese burger, the other 2
cows jump up and run out of the store yelling,''Canibal!!!''
-------
Incoming -- Duck!!!
1. A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After
about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. ''But why?'', they asked, as they moved off. ''Because,'' he
said,''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
2. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as
the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find
that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together
a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came
in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, ''This
isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!'' ''No, I'm sorry'', replied the bartender,
''it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.''
3. A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree
and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion
quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the
king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
4. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
5. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. ''Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a
teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
me?'' The doctor replies: ''It's very simple. You're two tents.''
6. A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his
mouth. The dentist examines him and says, ''that new upper plate I put in
for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?'' The man
replies, ''all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made
some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise
sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast,
fish, vegtables, everything.'' ''Well,'' says the dentist, ''that's
probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice,
which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make
you a new plate, and this time use chrome.'' ''Why chrome?'' asks the
patient. To which the dentist replies, ''It's simple. Everyone knows that
there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!''
7. Once upon a time, there was a scientist who made a clone of himself.
It was real bad and evil. In other words-obscene. There was no way to
kill this prankster clone. The scientist who made it took it up to the
top of a biulding. He then pushed the evil clone off the top. When he
went to the bottom of the biulding to go home, he was confronted by a
police officer who said,''You are under arrest!'' The scientist
asked,''why?'' The Officer stated,''You are being arrested for making an
obscene clone fall.''
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.
9. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
10. A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The
bartender says ''We don't serve mushrooms here.'' The mushroom says,
''Why not? I'm a fun guy!''
11. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
12. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,
''I'll just have the eggs benedict.'' His order comes a while later
and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, ''What's
with the hubcap?'' The waiter sings, ''Theres no plate like chrome for
the hollandaise!''
13. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. [ = of her
age]
14. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, ''How much for a
beer?'' The bartender replies, ''For you, no charge.''
15. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, ''Are you all right?'' ''No, I lost an electron!''
''Are you sure?'' ''Yeah, I'm positive!''
16. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
17. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named ''Amal.'' The other goes
to a family in Spain; they name him ''Juan.'' Years later, Juan sends
a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, ''But they are twins--if you've seen Juan,
you've seen Amal.''
18. One day before Christmas, a small boy walks into his mother's kitchen
only to find his mother cooking large quantities of food. Shrimp, lobster,
turkey, mashed potatoes, chicken, pizza, sandwiches, etc. He asks his
mother, ''Why are you cooking all this food?'' His mother answers,
''Christmas isn't Christmas without the ton of grub!''
19. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that
collided? Both crews were marooned.
20. What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a
kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart.
21. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's
novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend
dental medication!
-------
Science and Santa... A Lethal Combo... :)
Is there a Santa Claus?
As a result of overhwelming requests, I once again turn my
twisted attention to that almost sacred institution - Santa Claus. I am
pleased to present the official scientific inquiry into Santa.
1). No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these
are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer
(which only Santa has ever seen).
2). There are 2 billion children (persons under 18). BUT since
Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist
children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million
according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average census rate
of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes
that there is at least one good child in each.
3). Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
East to West (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good
children, Santa has 1/1000 of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh,
jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining
presents around the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up
the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are equally distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
..78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not
counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31
hours, plus feeding, etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at
650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth - the Ulysses space
probe - moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer
can run - tops - 15 miles per hour.
4). The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as being overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no
more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer (see point #1)
could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight,
or even nine reindeer. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the
payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the RMS Queen
Elizabeth.
5). 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a space
shuttle re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In
short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to the centrifugal forces of
17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015
pounds of force.
In conclusion, if Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
dead now.
-------
Three lawyers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the
three lawyers buy only a single ticket among them.
''How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?'' asks an
accountant.
''Watch and you'll see,'' answers a lawyer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats, but all
three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly
after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He
knocks on the restroom door and says, ''Ticket, please.'' The door opens
just a
crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it
and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the accountants decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and
save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the
station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment,
the lawyers don't buy a ticket at all.
''How are you going to travel without a ticket?'' says one perplexed
accountant.
''Watch and you'll see,'' answers a lawyer.
When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and
the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly
afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroomwhere the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
''Ticket please.''
-------
[read fast]
there once was a man named Miguel
who ran up and down every hill.
when one man inquired,
Don't that make you feel tired?
He said,NAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
-------
#1: you remind me of a man
#2: what man?
#1: a man with powers
#2: what powers?
#1: voodoo
#2: voodoo?????
#1: No, YOU do
#2: do what ??
#1: remind me of a man
#2: what man?
#1: a man with powers
#2: what powers...
-------
scene: a cop and his sales clerk wife are chatting on their sofa.
wife: are 2-way mirrors useful??
cop: well, it depends on how you're looking at it...
-------
scene: health fair
little boy: hey look. that man is wearing underwear made out of leaves. i
want some underwear made out of leaves too.
old man: its OK jimmy. this is a science exibit. he's wearing those
clothes so you can learn about his body parts. [whispers] you people
are disgusting.
-------
#1: your teeth are so yellow, i can't beleive they're not butter.
#2: well they're not.
#1: then what are they?
#2: they're the all new swiss and chedder flavored Squeeze cheese from
kraft. It's on sale now for the low price of $3.47 at pathmark!
-------
A lady is planning a camping trip to a camping sight. she sends a
letter to the site for more information. In it , she asks questions
like:How far away is the waater fountain;how far away is the
snackbar;How much is the rate for camping there; But when she came to
the question of ''Where is the bathroom'' she had a tough time finding a
polite way to ask it. she tried Restroom ,Lavoratory ,Outhouse ,The
neccesary room, and The very much needed room at certain unexpectred
times of the day or night Then she tried bathroom Commode she thought
that it would as polite as she could get if she abbreviated Bathroom
Commode to just B.C.She wrote the following letter:
Dear Mr. Manager,
I'm planning a camping trip to Newwood Camp Grounds. Please
answer the following questions: Where is the nearest water fountain and
snackbar? Where is the B.C.? What is the daily rates?
sincerely
Miss
Then she mailed the letter and waited for the
response.
The manager received the letter and read it. He Undersood every
thing except the B.C part. He couldn't make heads or tales of it. He
asked every camper he knew what B.C. meant. No one knew. Then he
remembered that there was a Baptist church up the road about 4 miles. he
then wrote the following letter:
Dear miss,
There is a water fountain at every campsite. Each campsite is
approxamately .5 miles away from the snack bar at the check-in Biulding.
The rate per night is $5.28. There is a nice B.C. about 4 miles up the
road. Which is pretty far if you go regularly. Most people bring a lunch
and make a day trip out of it. Any way, I hope you enjoy your stay at
Newwood Camp Grounds.
Sincerely,
Mr. Manager.
When she got the letter back, she was astonished.
-------
what would happen if when the bailiff says to you ''do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'' what would happen
if you said ''NO''
-------
what would happen if when the lady and the man are at a wedding up in
front of everybody and the preacher says ''do you take Miss Sarah Jones to
be your wife?'' what if the guy said ''NO''
-------
the pig, if i am not mistaken,
gives us ham, pork, and bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
but i think it stupid of the pig.
-------
Dear Mister Language Person:
I am curious about the expression, ''Part of this complete
breakfast''. The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be watching TV
cartoons shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for a
children's compressed breakfast compound such as ''Froot Loops'' or
''Lucky Charms'', and they'll always show it sitting on a table next
to some actual food suchas eggs, and the announcer always says: ''Part of
this complete breakfast.'' Don't that really mean, ''Adjacent to
this complete breakfast'', or ''On the same table as this complete
breakfast''? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim if instead
of ''Froot Loops'', they put a can of shaving cream there, or a dead bat?
Answer: Yes
-------
Q) How many hors d'oevres are you allowed to take off the tray
carried by a waiter at a nice party?
A) 2, but there are ways to get around it, depending on the style
of the hors d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you
can't tell what's inside, you take 1, bite off 2-thirds of it, then
say:''This is cheese! I hate cheese!'' Then you put the rest of it back on
the tray and bite another one and go,''Darn it! Another cheese!'' and so
on.
-------
This is a true story.
In canada lived A doctor and his wife,
who were the owners of a pet cat which they loved very much,
and all the neighbors knew how they felt about their cat.
One night the doctor and his wife had a very large dinner party.
One of the meals was a very fancy stuffed salmon dish.
Just before the dinner, the wife walked into the kitchen
and found the cat on the counter eating the salmon.
She shooed away the cat, but since her guests were waiting for
their dinnner, and it was too late to make another dinner, she
told the doctor what had happened, and so not to spoil the
dinner party, they agreed just not to say anything about it
and hide it from their guests.
The wife rearranged the salmon on the dish, and served it
to her guests for dinner, and everyone raved about how good
the salmon was.
After everyone had eaten, the doctor received an emergency call
and had to leave to go to the hospital.
On his way out, he found on his back steps his cat lying there
dead. He concluded that the salmon which the cat had eaten had
killed the cat, so he went back inside and confessed to their
guests what the cat had done, and admitted that they had
covered it up, and announced to them, that everyone who had
eaten the salmon was in great danger, and even in danger of
dying, and that everyone would now immediately have to go and
get their stomachs pumped. So they all went right down to
the hospital and had their stomachs pumped, which is a
very unpleasant procedure.
The next day, their neighbor came over and told them that he
appologized for running their cat over the night before.
He explained that he was in a hurry going out the night before,
and did not want to interrupt their dinner party,
but since they knew how much they liked their cat,
they placed it on their back porch so they would have it to bury.
-------
There was this helicopter pilot whose job was to ferry VIP's from Seattle
airport to downtown. One day he found himself with a passenger in a pea
soup fog somewhere over downtown Seattle. No landmarks were visible
and the passenger became panicky. The pilot said ''Don't worry'' and
very gradually let the helicopter down until it was hovering opposite
the window of a large, unidentifiable building.
The pilot motioned to a woman working in the building to open her window and
asked her ''Where are we?'' The woman responded ''You are in a
helicopter.'' The pilot immediately lifted the helicopter above the
building tops, flew a mile and a half, let it down through the fog, and
hit the landing pad dead center.
The amazed and relieved passenger said ''How on earth did you do that?''
The pilot said: ''It was simple. The information the woman gave me was
precisely correct and totally useless. I knew that she had to be working
at the Microsoft Customer Support Center.''
-------
There were two neighbors, one who owned a great big Saint Bernard dog,
and the other who owned a fluffy white pet rabbit, who lived in a hutch
out in their back yard.
One day the dog owner was horrified to find their dog with the
neighbors rabbit in his mouth, and quite dead. The rabbit was all dirty,
but not chewed up yet. They were worried that their dog would get blamed for
killing their neighbor's pet rabbit, so they washed the rabbit up, and combed
it until it was all clean, white anf fluffy again, and placed it back in its
hutch in the neighbor's back yard. They waited each day expecting the neighbor
to storm over and accuse their dog of killing their pet rabit, but it did not
happen. After a week had gone by, and they thought that their dog was safe
from being blamed, the dog owner happened to be casually talking to the
petrabbit owner, and in the course of conversation brought up the subject
of their pet rabbit, and asked how their pet rabbit was doing.
The pet rabbit owner answered, ''Funny you should mention that, because
the wierdest thing happened. He died last week, and we burried him in our
back yard, but three days later, he showed up all clean, white and fluffy
back in his hutch...''
-------
one day God was looking at earth and He didn't like what He saw.
He decided that he would send three of the most important people in the
world up to him to have a little talk. In a boom of thunder, he sent up
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltson, and Bill Gates. God told the three of them
that he is really disappointed at the human race, and that they hove one
week to prepare for the end of the world.
In another boom of thunder, God sent the three important people back down
to earth.
Bill Clinton called his cabinet in and told them that there is good news,
and bad news. The good news is that there is a God, and the bad news is
that the world is going to end in one week.
Boris called in his staff, and told them that there is bad news and even
more bad news. The bad news is that they were wrong, and there really is
a God. The other bad news is that the world is going to end in one week.
Bill Gates call in his top engineers and told him that there is good news
and even better news. The good news is that Bill was regarded as one of
the most important people in the world, and the the better news is that
they no longer have to worry about trying to fix Windows 95.
-------
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, ''If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.''
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, ''If you kiss me and turn me back into
a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.'' Again
the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, ''What is the matter? I've told you I'm
a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?''
The boy said, ''Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.''
-------
>Fun Things to do in an Elevator<
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other
passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: ''Be
quiet,
dangit, all of you just be QUIET!''
4. Whistle the first seven notesof It's a Small World incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On along ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open yor briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got
enough air in there?
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them
to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until
you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then annonce:
I've got new socks on!
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now,
dang motion sickness!
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter, ''Gotta go, gotta go'', then sigh and say, ''Oops!''
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing Mary had a Little Lamb while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler ''Chutes away!'' whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says Human Head on the side.
27. Stare at another passener for a while then announce ''You're one of
THEM!'' and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say, ''mmmm...tasty!''
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers ''through''
it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, ''Is that your
beeper?''
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say Ding! at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, ''I wonder what all these do?'', and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers that this is your ''personal space.''
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passengers: ''Wanna see wha
in muh mouf?''
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a spooky voice: I must find a more suitable host body.''
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear ''X-Ray Specs'' and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, ''I think it's getting larger.''
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, ''Bad touch!''
51. Bring a clipboard with you and ask other passengers what their
favourite brand of toothpaste is; write down their choice with an
oversized pencil and annouce the ''all round bestseller''.
52. March around the elevator singing ''Pop goes the weasel''
53. Welcome new passengers aboard the elevator and ask eveyone to introduce
themselves.
54. Bring some chips or M&M's or nachos or other kind of food that is smally
cut. Eat the food and while you are chewing it, make a
''grrrrhhrrrrrh''noise. If anyone asks about the noise, tell them it
is the digestive sounds.
-------
how to scare your neighbors
1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their
doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.
2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, ''I have
your life in my hands, bow down to me!''. Then point at each one and declare
them good or bad plants,while watering the bad ones.
3.) Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (ie: chairs,
books, lamps, etc.)
4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say,
''Mine are full of bodies'', then stutter and say, ''I uh mean other
garbage.'' walk away laughing hysterically.
5.) Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come
close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.
6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say,
''looks like they're on the move again.''
7.) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down
with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so
you can hear too.
8.) Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours. Each day hack off
a different part of their body.
9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside.
If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the
program the better.)
10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches.
Make markers out of household applainces.
-------
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.
Wake up, say ''oh geez, better get cracking'' then do some gibberish work.
Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming ''Andre, Andre, I've got
the secret documents!!''
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative.
Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out,
''I'm 100% sure you can hear me thinking.'' Then start talking about what
a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, ''I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who on earth are you?
Where's the regular guy?''
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say ''They've found me, I have
to leave the country'' and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all
the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the
air and yell out ''Merry Christmas.'' If you're really
daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost
the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen
minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head,
and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam.
Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when
(s)he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest
to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam,
eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are
going to be taping your next video during the exam.
Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be
persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage
of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your
things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it.
As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things.
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all
questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your
papers down violently, scream out ''DANG THIS'' and
walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e.
Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's
done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means
at some point during the exam, you should start crying
for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the
instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory
tone, ''the light bulb that goes on above my head when
I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!''
28. Bring rubber bands. Lots of rubber bands.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about
30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling ''I'm
here, the phantom of the opera'' until they drag you
away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know
the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you
belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your
right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while
laughing loudly, say ''you don't really expect me to
waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!''
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to
Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to
stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or
another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on
the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the
longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get PI and
imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a
written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete
with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the
entire way through the exam. Insist this person is
needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure
this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus
exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're
getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam,
with the comment ''Please use the attached notes for
references as you see fit.''
39. Have a pizza delivered to you in the exam. share
some with the instructor if he/she will give you an A.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over,
point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work
it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them
around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the
room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it
right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small
sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons,
telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes
throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you.
Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being
backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various
tunes. If you are asked to stop, say ''it helps me
think.'' Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you,
challenging the instructor to find the section on
musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use
the phrase ''Told you so''.
50. Answer the exam with the ''Top Ten Reasons Why
Professor xxxx Stinks''
-------
[ one of the many lists of annoying things to do ]
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are
green, and insist to others that you ''like it that way''.
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI
copy warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go''.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every
show.
Tape pieces of ''Sweating to the Oldies'' over
climactic parts of rental movies.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat
their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with ''ooh la la!''
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with
Lou Reed's ''Metal Machine Music''.
Leave someone's printer in
compressed-italic-Cyrillic-landscape mode.
Dont use punctuation
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and
reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with cents.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write ''X - BURIED TREASURE'' in random spots on all
of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy
assassination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
Do you hear that?
What?
Never mind, it's gone now.
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for
their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as ''Conquistador''.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your
socks.
When Christmas carolling, sing ''Jingle Bells,
Batman smells'' until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says ''Magnificent One''.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on
the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce
''no, wait, I messed it up'', and repeat.
Name your dog ''Dog''.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with ''that's what
YOU think.''
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the
listener it was a ''real hoot.''
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing
the curious that you don't want to fall off ''in case
the big one comes.''
Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a
can of Disinfectant.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in
co-workers' brains, such as ''Feliz Navidad'',
the Archies' ''Sugar.''
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head
like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the
time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great
glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a
Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and
see if people play along to avoid the appearance of
ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to ''interface'' with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the
faster speed is necessary because of your
''superior mental processing.''
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant
''swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!''
Finish all your sentences with the words
''in accordance with prophesy.''
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your ''imaginary friend.''
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a
notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as ''sticky wicket isn't
cricket.''
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture.''
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out =
victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Construct elaborate ''crop circles'' in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend ''tricorder'', and ''scan'' people with it,
announcing the results.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal
Howard Cossell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
-------
scene:wedding
little girl: Why is the bride wearing white?
mom: because it's the happiest day in her life and that is what WHITE
stands for.
little girl: then why is the groom wearing black?
-------
*********************************
* *
* Cyberwocky *
* *
*********************************
(With Apologies to Lewis Carroll)
'Twas e-mail, and the ftp
Did route and telnet to the node.
All rlogin to Xterms free
To let gopher download.
''Beware the Internet, my son!
The posts that spam, the speech that's free!
Beware the Netscape cache, and shun
The AOL mail id!''
He took his HP mouse in hand.
Long time a higher bandwidth sought --
And wished had he for his old PC
A faster modem bought.
And, as that wistful thought he gripped,
The Internet, with bait of flame,
Ran applets through the Javascript,
And mailbombed as it came!
The war he waged! As on each page
The HP mouse he double-clicked!
And 'twas absurd, the hype he'd heard
'Bout sites that he had picked.
''And, hast thou surfed the Internet?
Come link my page, my newbie bud!
O Lycos night! Yahoo! Excite!''
He messaged on his MUD.
'Twas e-mail, and the ftp
Did route and telnet to the node.
All rlogin to Xterms free
To let gopher download.
-------
[To the tune of ''American Pie'']
A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.
I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day
the service
died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.
Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.
It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be
When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.
And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown
The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.
And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free.
And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch* a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography *
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down
They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!
And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for ''Good Times''
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer's fees.
But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free
Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.
''Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot.''
''If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord...''
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.
Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.
But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No ''Welcome'' born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.
And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.
And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...
And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.
And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.
And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.
-------
*******************************************************************************
Household Principles - Lamentations of the Father
*******************************************************************************
Laws of Forbidden Places
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of
all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the
living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may
eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or
with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the
oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown
provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal
treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in
sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you
carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living
room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat,
neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something,
then may you eat in the living room.
Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as
a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they
were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table,
for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting
bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy
of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any
utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are
for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will
be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the
table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to
your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you
will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have
swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what
is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister
has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither
seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to
wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it
is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker,
draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that,
that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do
not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that
is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the
other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if
you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold,
even as I have said, it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate
that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have
dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten
most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting
of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I
can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two
forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the
potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet
leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a
small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around
with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you
will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you
are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other
are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while
you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to
you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the
server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece
of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning
is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from
screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto
death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your
face, nor press your fingers to you nose. For even now I have made the
fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to
the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon
you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of
your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner
wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger
in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how
iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not
go hence until I have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of
your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your
feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against
cars, nor against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should
so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I
read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive
me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.
Complaints and Lamentations
O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you
must do, you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and
when I do not accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even
sometime do you spit, and shout ''stupid-head'' and other blasphemies,
and hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof when you are sent to the
corner.
And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the
corner for more minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you
there all day, so mighty am I in anger. But upon being sent to the
corner you ask straight-away, ''Can I come out?'' and I reply, ''No, you
may not come out.'' And again you ask, and again I give the same reply.
But when you ask again a third time, then you may come out.
Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and
pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount
higher than before.
For our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and
twenty talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the
fifteen hundred deductible for each member of the family within a
calendar year. And yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered,
nor for many medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths. Guess not
at what rage is in my mind, for surely you cannot know.
For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the
fifteenth of the month with the bills and a great whining and moan.
And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and
unfairness of it, and mourn with wine and ashtrays, and rend my
receipts.
And you shall remember that I the head of this household and its
occupants therein: before, after, and until you are twenty-one. Hear me
then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me.
-------
Rabbi Finkelstein was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He
was so addicted to the game that if he didn't play he would get withdrawal
symptoms.
One Yom Kippur, Rabbi Finkelstein thought to himself, ''Who is it going to
get hurt if during the recess I go out and play a few rounds, nobody will
be the wiser and I'll be back in time for services''. Sure enough, at the
conclusion of the Ma'ariv service, Rabbi Finkelstein snuck out of the
Synagogue and headed straight for the golf course.
Looking down upon him were Moshe Rabeinu and G-d.
Moshe said, ''Look what that man is doing and a Rabbi in Israel at that''.
G-d replied, ''I'll teach him a lesson''
On the course itself Rabbi Finkelstein teed off and when he hit the ball,
it careened of a tree, struck a rock, flew across a stream and landed in
the hole for a HOLE IN ONE!
Seeing all this Moshe yelled, ''G-d, this is how you're going to teach him
a lesson; he got a hole in one.
''Sure'', said G-d, ''but who is he going to tell?''
-------
the Preacher was preaching the sermon one day. He he was looking for the
next leaf of his notes since he was at the end of the note he was
previosly on. he said as he looked for the missing leaf,''and Adam said to
eve, and Adam said to Eve, and Adam said to Eve....'' Since he couldn't
find the leaf that was missing he said,'' Oh, the leaf is missing''
-------
Prison vs Work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
To get into prison, you just have to commit a crime.
To get into work, you have to fill out application after aplication.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that
one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work, we have managers.
-------
There once was a lady fine
who heard of AOL mine.
But when she misheard
that 3 letter word,
she said I had American Airline
-------
A foo
that I knew
had the likeness
of you!
-------
A Frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS:
[Editor's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention
that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good
Block tax story. This is one of those. It is a real letter
submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's weird and
bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits. We
believe the letter speaks for itself.]
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two
of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax
return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my
children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's
only fair, since they are minors and not my responsibility,
that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care
for these waifs) knows something about them and what to
expect over the next year. You may apply next year to
reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year
they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I
suggest you put her to work in your office where she can
answer people's questions about their returns. While she has
no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her
knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes
should be a breeze.
Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that
you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you
mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the
vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses
all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I
have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe
sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved
you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that
you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good handle
on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His
eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be
a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him
first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by
a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his
friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him
delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14
will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple.
Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn
to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a
few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care
of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes,
he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the
house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful
when he lives in your home.
DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or
telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of
unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900
and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and
appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is
yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in
the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals,
and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the
schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for
half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's
quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other
two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of
terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under
twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of
valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political
doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced
four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am
sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to
get her, she sort of ''nests'' in her room and I think that it
would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it
is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you
get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the
youngest. I still will go bankrupt with Kristen's college but
then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have
time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If
you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your
decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax
and made a down payment on an airplane.
-------
Rules of The Road - Indian style (most of this is true!!)
Traveling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound,
spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending,
sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always
unforgettable - and, when you are on the roads, extremely
dangerous.
Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway
Code based on an ancient text. These 12 rules of the Indian
road are published for the first time in English.
ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
ARTICLE II
The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In
descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy
trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo,
Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters,
auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles
(goods- carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying),
dogs, pedestrians.
ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the
maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is
defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.
ARTICLE IV
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):
Cars (IV,1,a-c): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, ie
in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path. Long
blasts (desperate) denote supplication, ie to oncoming truck,
''I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we
shall both die''. In extreme cases this may be accompanied
by flashing of headlights (frantic). Single blast (casual)
means ''I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom
I recognize'', ''There is a bird in the road (which at this speed
could go through my windscreen)'' or ''I have not blown my
horn for several minutes.'' Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn
signals have the same meaning, viz, ''I have an all-up weight
of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping,
even if I could.'' This signal may be emphasized by the use of
headlamps (insouciant). Article IV remains subject to the
provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above .
ARTICLE V
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left
until the last possible moment.
ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants
shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept
fastened at all times.
ARTICLE VII
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has
priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the
middle. Lane discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times
and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre
of the road.
ARTICLE VIII
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic
islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic
management function. Any other impression should be
ignored.
ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to
overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it
has just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be
undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of
oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the
middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches
should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are
passing - and one inch in the case of bicycles or
pedestrians.
ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.
ARTICLE XI
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has
reverse gear.
ARTICLE XII
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker
-------
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. ''Squawks'' are
problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Squawk: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Reply: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Squawk: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Reply: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Squawk #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Reply #1: #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Squawk #2: #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Squawk: The autopilot doesn't.
Signed off: IT DOES NOW.
Squawk: Something loose in cockpit.
Reply: Something tightened in cockpit.
Squawk: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Reply: Evidence removed.
Squawk: Number three engine missing.
Reply: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Squawk: DME volume unbelievably loud
Reply: Volume set to more believable level.
Squawk: Dead bugs on windshield.
Reply: Live bugs on order.
Squawk: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Reply: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Squawk: IFF inoperative.
Reply: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Squawk: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Reply: That's what they're there for.
-------
ACRONYMS FROM THE NERDS
MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools
Teenagers
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of
Mathematics
COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
RISC Reduced Into Silly Code
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
CA Constant Acquisitions
-------
The Merits of Having a Wooden Leg
The sum of parts of a leg, artificial
including the hardware and such,
Are impervious to bruises and cuts superficial
and far better sure-than a crutch.
While it's true if you once excelled in a sport,
it's unlikely that you'll make a comeback.
But how many guys do you know otherwise who can hold up their
socks with a thumbtack.
-------
======================================
MOM, YOU WERE THE BEST COMPUTER TEACHER I EVER HAD
======================================
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether
Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always
''Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn't
they?''
I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I
heard the definition of a virtual device: ''A software or
hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner
indistinguishable from the real device.''
Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person
(simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from
children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint.
Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: ''If
it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school;
otherwise just wear your shoes.''
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction
processing: ''We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough
of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right
now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon.''
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday
party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with
each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one
leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks
after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number
and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the
washing machine. Later she applied the principles of
redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks
three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the
odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you
notes to Grandmother, one after another, on a single large
sheet of paper which was then mailed in a single envelope with
a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking
records in order to save money by reducing the number of
physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever
she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her
purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving
the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to
be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a
whistling teakettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put
the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the
napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order
at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically
present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people,
and so He created mothers. That is the difference between
centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever
misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in
the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area
network of distributed processors that can't be beat. Mom, you
were the best computer teacher I ever had.
-------
You know you're an E-mail Junkie if:
>>1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your
e-mail on the way back to bed.
>>4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.
>>5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
>>6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free Internet access.
>>7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
>>8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
>>9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You
start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's
access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem.
...And you succeed.
>>10. You find yourself typing ''.com'' after every period when using a
word processor.com
>>11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
>>12. You start introducing yourself as ''JohnDoe at AOL dot com.''
>>13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
>>14. Your cat has its own home page.
>>15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
>>16. You check your mail. It says ''no new messages.'' So you check it
again.
>>17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
>>18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
>>19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.
>>20. You tell the cab driver you live at
''http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.''
>>21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
-------
The following announcements actually appeared in church
bulletins, the New York Times news service reports:
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk will please come early.
A bean supper will be held Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
At the evening service on Sunday, the sermon topic will be WHAT
IS HELL? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Don't let worry kill you...let the church help.
Thursday Night: Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of all kinds and
they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. in the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items for
recycling. Proceeds will go to cripple children.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
with the slogan ''I Upped my Pledge -- Up Yours!''
-------
Test Answers
A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays,
etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior
high, high school, and college students.
As she noted, ''It is truly astonishing what weird science our young
scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.''
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test
tube
When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire
A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something
to hitch meat to.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars, and eight cuspidors.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
is.
Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the
heart stops.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it.
For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
your throat.
To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you don't, you expire.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state.
The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax, and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls,
of which there are five -- a,e, i, o, and u.
-------
************ WARNING DANGEROUS VIRUS***************
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of ''Badtimes,'' delete it
immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the MOST DANGEROUS Email
virus yet.
It will re-write your hard drive.
Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your
computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice
cream melts and milk curdles.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram
your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace=
field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex- your new phone number.
It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere
with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace
your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your
current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel
rendezvous to your Visa card.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
pillows and refill your skim milk with whole.
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid!!!!!
-------
VIRUS ALERT:
COLIN POWELL VIRUS:
Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything.
Secretly, you wish it would.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS:
Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year
later, in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS:
You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you
just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS:
Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much
of a threat.
BOBBITT VIRUS:
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it.
(But that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then
slowly expands back to 200MB.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. Itwarns
you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C:
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never identifies itself as a ''virus,'' but instead
refers to itself as an 'electronic micro-organism.''
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2):
Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, but ewe cant
figyour outt watt!
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your computer.
TEXAS VIRUS:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:
Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS:
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.
STAR TREK VIRUS:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
sends you a bill for $4,500.
-------
Cow Essay
''The cow is a successful animal. Also he is
quadrupud, and because he is female, he give
milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is
same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to
man. But he has got four legs together. Two are
forward and two are afterwards.
His whole body can be utilised for use. More so
the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter,
cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and
so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans
and mankind generally.
His motion is slow only because he is of
asitudinious species. Also his other motion is
much useful to trees, plants as well as making
flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is
the only animal that extricates his feeding after
eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth
whom are situated in the inside of the mouth.
He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.
His only attacking and defending organ is the
horn, specially so when he is got child. This is
done by knowing his head whereby he causes
the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of
the earth and instantly proceed with great
velocity forwards.
He has got tails also, but not like similar
animals. It has hairs on the other end of the
other side. This is done to frighten away the
flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon
he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So
the grasses head is not crushed. At night time
have poses by looking down on the ground and
he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse
does not do so.
This is the cow.''
-------
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: Hello, is this Tech Support?
Tech: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and
I am within my warranty period. How do I go
about getting that fixed?
Tech: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my
computer.
Tech: Please excuse me if I seem a bit
stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive
this as part of a promotional, at a trade show?
How did you get this cup holder? Does it have
any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know
anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on
it.
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller
, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had
been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM
drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the
drive!
-------
In order to see that you are better educated
I am providing this important list of terminology.
(There will be a test on it next Friday)
Artery - The study of fine paintings
Bacteria - The back door of a cafeteria
Barium - What you do after the patient dies
Benign - What you do after you are eight years old
Bowel - A letter like a, e, i, o, u
Cat Scan - Searching for kitty
Cautirize - Made eye contact with her
Cesarean section - A district in Rome
Colic - A sheep dog
Congenital - Friendly
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - To live longer
Fester - Quicker
G.I. Series - Baseball game on a military base
Hangnail - Coat hook
Impotent - Distinguished; well known
Labor pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical staff - A Doctor's cane
Minor operation - Coal digging
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrate - Lower than day rate
Node - Was aware of
Organic - Church musician
Out patient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - A cousin of Elvis
Post-operative - A letter carrier
Protein - In favor of young people
Recovery room - A place to do upholstery
Rectum - Dang near killed 'em
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - A study of English knighthood
Terminal illness - Getting sick at the airport
Tumor - An extra pair
Urine - Opposite of - you're out
Varicose - Nearby
Vein - Conceited
-------
How things would be different if Microsoft Headquarters was in Texas
instead of Seattle...
Their #1 product would be ''Microsoft Winders''
Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and
some duct tape
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of ''Ahh-right'', ''Naw'',
or ''Git'' instead of ''Yes'', ''No'', or ''Cancel''
Instead of ''Ta-Da!'', the opening sound would be Cotton Eyed Joe
The ''Recycle Bin'' in Winders 95 would be an outhouse
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk
redneck yelling ''Freebird!''
Instead of ''Start Me Up'', the Winders 95 theme song would be
''Achey-Breaky Heart''
PowerPoint would be named ''ParPawnt''
Microsoft's programming tools would be ''Vishul Basic'' and
''Vishul C++''
Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Texas Flag
Instead of ''VP'', Microsoft big shots would be called ''Cuz''
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Ford Pickup
Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
''Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire...''
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator
Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. ''Bubba'') Gates
-------
The Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector -
30 carefully chosen buzz words.
Think of any three-digit number, then select the corresponding buzzword
from each column. For instance ''257'' produces ''systematized logistical
projection'', a phrase which can be dropped into any report with the ring
of authority. No one will have any idea what you're talking about but
they're probably not about to admit it. You'll look like a genius.
Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
0 integrated 0 management 0 options
1 total 1 organizational 1 flexibility
2 systematized 2 monitored 2 capability
3 parallel 3 reciprocal 3 mobility
4 functional 4 digital 4 programming
5 responsive 5 logistical 5 concept
6 optional 6 transitional 6 time-phase
7 synchronized 7 incremental 7 projection
8 compatible 8 third-generation 8 hardware
9 balanced 9 policy 9 contingency
-------
''Pages on the sands''
- a poem based on Henry Longfellow's ''Footprints on the sands''
Lives of pages all remind us
we can make our own sublime
And, compiling, leave behind us
web pages on the sands of time
Pages that perhaps another
surfing o'er the net's solemn main
A slow and modem-wrecked brother
seeing, shall take heart again
Let us then be up and dialing
with a heart for any fate
Still a-writing, -still a-surfing
learn HTML and to wait
-------
Questions
What is the speed of dark?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of
earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a ''free'' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before
getting out of
the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket
signs?
Where do forest rangers go to ''get away from it all''?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't
afraid to have a Chapter 11?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the
top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 ''ups''?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon
called a yellow?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?
How did a fool and his money get together?
If nothing sticks to teflon, how do they stick teflon on the pan?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaures?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on a sour cream container?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
-------
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this
to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE ''FREE'' SOAPS WHEN TRAVELING
******************************************************
Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three
in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
===
Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and
put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions >From the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
===
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you
about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to
my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under
my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have
brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are
on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.
S. Berman
===
Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel
soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which
were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial
was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't
remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine
cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked
in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
===
Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M.
that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my
apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints
please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108
between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
===
Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the
hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only
asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today,
since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with
her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I
have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
===
Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap
to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
===
Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of
soap wastaken from my room including my own bath-size Dial.
I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4
little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
===
Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our
maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for
the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
===
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who on earth left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I
came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little
bars of Camay. I want my one bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I
have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me
back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
===
Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing
so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about
the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I
don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was
able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
===
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory. As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
4 and 1 stack of 2. - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 3. - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside medicine
cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2. - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On northeast
corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On northwest corner of
tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly
piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a
tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and
will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have
purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault
in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
-------
Genesis (according to Microsoft)
In the beginning, there was nothing but
Apple. And the PC was without form and void,
and the darkness was on the face of its hard
drive. And Bill said, Let there be DOS: And
there was DOS. And Bill looked upon it, and it
was good, and with it the PC slew the Apple.
And DOS grew and grew, until its number was
legion if you counted the decimal points, and
still it was good.
And Bill grew large with ambition, and he
decreed there should be a processor of words;
and lo, there was Word. And Bill sayeth, Let
there be a thingy for the crunching of numbers,
and lo, there was Excel, and did his kingdom
grow apace.
But there had arisen in the land the thing
called Macintosh, sprung from the intransigent
Apple-men, and Bill looked upon it, and it was
better Rapidly did he decree that Word should
be made to run upon it, and after that Excel,
and then all the other fruits of his efforts, but still
he was wrathful.
So Bill did order his minions to come forth
with Windows, and when they did, he looked
upon it, and it was bad.
So he sent them back to try again, assuring
all the world they would get it right this time, yet
they did not.
Unrelenting, Bill forced yet a third mighty
blow, and when it came forth, Bill did order his
trumpets to blow, and his chorus to sing, and
his criers to cry, until the din could be heard
throughout the land; and when he looked upon
this third version of Windows, he saw it was not
all that great, but like hotcakes did it sell.
And thus did Bill gloat, for the world
proclaimed he had matched the lowly
Macintosh, and his praises were sung
throughout the land.
And so he ordered another, mightier, more
magnificient version made, and his henchmen
and henchwomen did labor hard. Still it was not
forthcoming in the year promised, nor the year
promised next, and rumors did abound, and
magazines did overflow with secret peeks, and
columnists did heap their scorn upon it. And
came the minions of the Justice Department,
bent upon proving Bill monopolous, yet before
his wrath did they quail, and proclaim him
innocent, mostly.
And that which was once called Chicago
became known as Windows 95, and the
suspense built throughout the land, and Bill,
remembering what had gone before, set about
building a great Hype.
Into his Hype he put the greatest mouths of
the land, and scattered the fruits of his profits
so heavily that he bought hosts of angels to
sing, and Rolling Stones songs, and trumpets
and horns and drums without number. As the
time of birthing grew nigh, he purchased
television time without end, and appeared
thereon himself, and bought entire editions of
newspapers to give away unto the faithful, and
traveling circuses to visit each great city.
And so when Windows 95 was born did
hysteria rule the land, as the choirs sang and
the trumpets and horns did blare and the
televisions and the newspapers charge their
followers to go forth and buy.
Heeding this, the populace did rush to the
marketplace at the stroke of midnight, when
even the cock doth sleep, and did push and
shove and come even to blows the better to
secure their own copies lest they be thought
ignorant, or uncool, or hamsters in the eyes of
Bill.
And Bill looked upon what he had wrought,
and he giggled, and rubbeth his hands together,
and even in the moment of his triumph, began
to think of next time.
-------
Doctor Joke
Three doctors were driving together to the
hospital when they had an accident and all
three died. They found themselves in front of
the Pearly Gates, with St. Peter there shaking
his head.
''Gentlemen, I'm afraid Heaven is full - we
just don't have room for you here,'' said St.
Peter. ''But, St. Peter, surely you recognize
me!'' the first doctor exclaimed. ''I developed
the DNA theory, and have helped improve
millions of lives through my work.'' St. Peter
shook his head, thinking, and finally said,
''You're right, we just have to let you in. Come
on -- we'll make room somehow.''
''And I know you recognize me, St. Peter,''
the second doctor said. ''I developed the MRI,
and because of my machine, millions of people
with medical problems are helped.'' Again St.
Peter is moved. ''Yes, come on in. Surely you
deserve to be here, too,'' he replies.
Finally, the last doctor pipes in, ''St.
Peter, You must also know me -- I'm the doctor
who developed HMOs.'' To this St. Peter only
hesitates a moment, and then replies, ''Yes,
you, too, have a place in Heaven -- but you can
only stay 3 days.''
-------
One day, a 75 year old lady drove her car to the local shopping
center. She found a parking place, parked, and got out of her car. As she
stepped out of her car, though, she heard a voice say to her, ''You are
going to live to be 100.'' She thinks,''Nah, I must have been dreaming.''
So she walks into the mall and starts shopping. She hears the voice again,
''You are going to live to be 100.'' She says to herself, ''That must be
God speaking to me. If I am really going to be 100 years old, I am going
to make use of those 25 extra years!'' So she goes and gets a face-lift, a
perm, and a manicure. She gets her hair dyed, too. Then, as she, walks
back to her car, she gets slammed by a large bus. She goes up to Heaven
and asks God, ''I thought you said that I was going to live to be 100?''
God says, ''Yes, I did, but I didn't recognize you!''
-------
One day, at a book store, a man walks in a speaks to the clerk. He
asks her, ''Do you have any books about men's dominance over women?'' She
answers, ''The fiction section is around the corner!''
-------
One day, a lady goes to a store and buys a jacket. She comes home
only to find that her newly moved in neighbor has the same exact coat. She
relates her finds to her husband who asks, ''I guess you want me to buy
you another coat.'' The lady answers, ''Well, it would be cheaper than
buying another house!''
-------
Equal Opportunity Employer
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in
the window, stating the following: ''HELP WANTED. Must be able to
type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are
an Equal Opportunity Employer.''
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the
sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his
tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The
office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least.
However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, ''I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be
able to type.'' The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and
proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and
trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on
the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, ''The
sign says you have to be good with a computer.''
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog
proceeded
to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a
sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the
dog and said, ''I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and
have
some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the
job.''
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw
on
the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, ''Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to
be bilingual.''
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, ''Meow.''
-------
English is a Crazy Language
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't
the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese...
One blouse, 2 blice?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a ''slim chance'' and a ''fat chance'' be the same, while a ''wise
man'' and ''wise guy'' are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while ''quite a lot'' and ''quite a few'' are alike? How can
the weather be ''hot as hell'' one day and ''cold as hell'' another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those
people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.
-------
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a
fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting
on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could
possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask
him. St. Peter says, ''I don't know, this is the first time anyone has
ever asked. Let me go find out,'' and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they
really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it
all. ''What if it doesn't work out?,'' they wonder, ''Are we stuck
together forever?''
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
''Yes,'' he informs the couple, ''you can get married in Heaven.''
''Great,'' says the couple, ''but what if things don't work out? Could we
also get a divorce in Heaven?''
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. ''What's
wrong?'' exclaims the frightened couple. ''Jeez!'' St. Peter exclaims,
''It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea
how long its going to take for me to find a lawyer!?''
-------
A elephant was running through the jungle because a
ferocious tiger was chasing him. As the big grey bulk is
running through the jungle, he comes across an ant with his
arms crossed on his chest. The ant asks the elephant,
''STOP, why are you running?'' The elephant tells the ant
about the tiger cahsing him. The ant says, ''Don't worry.
Just hide behind me.''
-------
A group of elephants were running through the jungle one
day. An ant nest lay in the way of the path so the elephants
just crushed the mound and all the ants around and in it.
This got all the ants angry. When the elephants came running
back in the other direction, the ants climbed up in a tree
so that the elephants would run under them. As the elephants
ran under the ants, an ant fell from one of the branches and
landed on one of the elephants. One of the ants still up in
the tree shouted to the ant on the elephants back,
''Squish him, Squish him!!''
-------
Freshman/Seniors
Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they
can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they
need to attend.
Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew
into a recitation class.
Freshmen: Calls the professor ''Professor.''
Seniors: Calls the professor ''Bob.''
Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks
away.
Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good
grade.
Freshmen: Roller skates to class.
Seniors: Roller skates instead of going to class.
Freshmen: Knows a bookfull of useless trivia about the
university.
Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...
Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on
and a box of pop tarts in hand.
Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation.
Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing
the street.
Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the
first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in
October...maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first parties of the year.
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I mid term.
Senior: Is proud of not ~quite~ failing Complex Analysis
midterm.
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night.
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night.
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of
profs.
Senior: Is appalled that the campus bar was turned into a
deli.
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that
awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational
opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons
and really make a contribution to society.
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room.
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class.
Senior: Meticulously quotes professor when he says
something funny in class (when awake in class
and not skating.)
-------
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an
automated speed trap that measured his speed
using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo
of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the
police department a photograph of $40. Several
days later, he received a letter from the police
department that contained another picture, of
handcuffs.
-------
51 Days!
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the
bar,order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order
over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses
are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, ''51 days, 51 days, 51
days!'' Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the
chanting grows. ''51 days, 51 days, 51 days!'' Two more blondes show
up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. ''51 days,
51 days, 51 days!'' Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture
under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the
middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing
around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting ''51
days, 51 days, 51 days!'' The bartender can't contain his curiosity any
longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a
beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the
frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes,
''What's all the chanting and celebration about?'' The blonde who
brought in the picture pipes in, ''Everyone thinks that blondes are
dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record
straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it
together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together
in 51 days!''
-------
Stupid Bad Guy Tricks;
New York: As a female shopper exited a
convenience store, a man grabbed her purse
and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and
the woman was able to give them a detailed
description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the
police had apprehended the snatcher. They put
him in the car and drove back to the store. The
thief was then taken out of the car and told to
stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied
''Yes , Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole
the purse from.''
-------
10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should:
-----------------------------------
weird vocabulary
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom
faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a
string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
then putting it back down to give the vacuum
one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize
the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by
blowing on it, assuming this will somehow
'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two
people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie
theater (airplane).
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that
refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep
backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the
rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay'
shun) n. Manhandling the ''open here'' spout on
a milk container so badly that one has to resort
to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a
fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to
be walking around asking diners if they want
ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of
dialing a phone number and forgetting whom
you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left
on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)
n. The act of always letting the phone ring at
least twice before you pick it up, even when
you're only six inches away.
-------
********************************************************************
Teaching Math in... A comprehensive study of the growing of math.
*********************************************************************
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What
is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or
$80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set ''L'' of lumber for a set
''M'' of money. The cardinality of set ''M'' is 100.
Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set ''M''. The
set ''C'', the cost of production contains 20
fewer points than set ''M''. Represent the set C''
as a subset of set ''M'' and answer the following
question: What is the cardinality of the set ''P'' of
profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is
$20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger
makes $20. What do you think of this way of
making a living? Topic for class participation
after answering the question? How did the forest
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down
the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company
improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How
much capital gain per share does the CEO
make by exercising his stock options at $80.
Assume capital gains are no longer taxed,
because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They
save on benefits and when demand for their
product is down the logging work force can
easily be cut back. The average logger
employed by the company earned $50,000, had
3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement
plan and medical insurance. The contracted
logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a
good move?
Teaching Math in 1998:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing
jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the
corresponding half of its US workers (the
higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest,
leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off
all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers
that the spotted owl is responsible for the
absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress
for exemption from the Endangered Species
Act. Congress instead exempts the company
from all federal regulation. What is the return on
investment of the lobbying costs?
-------
Stupid Criminal Story
Ann Arbor : The Ann Arbor News crime column
reported that a man walked into a Burger King in
Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun
and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down
because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away.
-------
Honesty In Hymns
It's sad, but I can relate to some of these, how about you?
THE WAY WE MIGHT SING SOME WELL-KNOWN
HYMNS IF WE WERE BEING HONEST
I Surrender Some
There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
Fill My Spoon, Lord
Oh, How I Like Jesus
He's Quite a Bit to Me
I Love to Talk About Telling the Story
Take My Life and Let Me Be
It is My Secret What God Can Do
There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
Onward, Christian Reserves
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
Just As I Pretend to Be
When the Saints Go Sneaking In
-------
A man goes to the local doctor and says. '' doc, i have a problem
with my eyes, when ever I see something, it seems like two of them are
there.'' the doctor says, ''Do all four of you have the same problem?''
-------
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill
Gates compared the computer industry with the
auto industry, reportedly stating ''If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got
1,000 miles to the gallon.''
Recently General Motors addressed that
comment by releasing this statement: ''Yes, but
would you want your car to crash twice a day?''
1. Every time they repainted the lines on
the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on
the freeway for no apparent reason. If you
couldn't get it started you'd call for help, then sit
and wait until whenever the next available
technician got around to get you going again.
3. Every so often executing a routine
maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail
and you'd have to re-install the engine. For
some strange reason, you'd accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car
at a time, unless you bought ''Car95'' or
''CarNT''. But, then you'd have to buy more
seats.
5. These seats would force everyone to
have the same size bottom.
6. The oil, gas and alternator warning
lights would be replaced by a single ''general car
default'' warning light.
7. Macintosh would make a car that was
powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as
fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run
on 5 percent of the roads.
8. The Macintosh car owners would have
to get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their
cars, which would make them run much slower.
9. The airbag system would say ''are you
sure?'' before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you'd
have no idea what happened.
11. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the
radio antenna.
12. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe
set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even
though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to
delete this option would immediately cause the car's
performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would
become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
13. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would
have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the
controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
14. You'd press the ''start'' button to shut off the engine.
-------
Actual dialog of a fired WordPerfect Customer
Support employee:
''Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?''
''Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.''
''What sort of trouble?''
''Well, I was just typing along, and all of a
sudden the words went away.''
''Went away?''
''They disappeared.''
''Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?''
''Nothing.''
''Nothing?''
''It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.''
''Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get
out?''
''How do I tell?''
''Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?''
''What's a sea-prompt?''
''Never mind. Can you move the cursor around
on the screen?''
''There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept anything I type.''
''Does your monitor have a power indicator?''
''What's a monitor?''
''It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when
it's on?''
''I don't know.''
''Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
find where the power cord goes into it. Can you
see that?''
.......''Yes, I think so.''
''Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall.''
........''Yes, it is.''
''When you were behind the monitor, did you
notice that there were two cables plugged into
the back of it, not just one?''
''No.''
''Well, there are. I need you to look back there
again and find the other cable.''
........''Okay, here it is.''
''Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer.''
''I can't reach.''
''Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?''
''No.''
''Even if you maybe put your knee on something
and lean way over?''
''Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle
- it's because it's dark.''
''Dark?''
''Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window.''
''Well, turn on the office light then.''
''I can't.''
''No? Why not?''
''Because there's a power outage.''
''A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've
got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes
and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?''
''Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.''
''Good! Go get them, and unplug your system
and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it
from.''
'Really? Is it that bad?''
''Yes, I'm afraid it is.''
''Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them?''
''Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer. ''
-------
COMPUTER TERMS FROM MINNESOTA ...
Log on: Making the woodstove hotter.
Log off: Don't add wood.
Monitor: Keep an eye on the woodstove.
Megahertz: What happens when you drop a
log on your toe while downloading
RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the
woodsplitter work
Hard drive: Getting home in a snowstorm.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in a
snowstorm.
Windows: What you close when it's 30 below.
Screen: What you need for the mosquito
season.
Byte: What the mosquitoes will do to you if you
don't have a screen
Micro chip: What's left in the bottom of the
bag.
Infrared: Where the leftovers go when Fred's
around.
Modem: What you have done to the hayfields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's daughter.
Keyboard: Where you hang your keys.
Software: Plastic eating utensils.
Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn.
Main frame: The part of the barn that holds the
frame up.
Port: Fancy wine and farmer Matrix's daughter
in a storm
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember
how much that new rifle cost when your wife
asks.
-------
Maxims for the Internet Age
(Thanks to Karl Flesch)
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly
than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a
single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when
first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
-------
Klutzy Criminal
When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach,
California, robber James Eliot peered down the
barrel and tried it again. This time, it worked...
-------
fun things to do in the job
Ever get bored at work? Here are some fun
things to add a litle life to the work environment.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise
your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly
the same outfits. Always wear them one day
after your boss does. (This is especially
effective if your boss is a different gender than
you are.)
Make upnicknames for all your coworkers and
refer to them only by these names. ''That's a
good point, Sparky.'' ''No I'm sorry I'm going to
have to disagree with you there, Chachi.''
Send email to the rest of the company telling
them what you're doing. For example ''If anyone
needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.''
''Hi-lite'' your shoes. Tell people that you haven't
lost your shoes since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in
''Palmolive.''
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and
tell people you're waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but
you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going
to be nibbling during the meeting. During the
meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be
''zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com''
Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask them if they want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an
intelligent debate about the direction of one of
your company's products. Forward the mail to a
co-worker and ask her to settle the
disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little
synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it
''IN.''
Determine how many cups of coffee is ''too
many.''
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy
Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them
off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a
mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one
notices, take out your snorkel and see how
many you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free
donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people
complain that there was none... Just lean back,
pat your stomach, and say, ''Oh you've got to be
faster than that.''
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once
everyone has gotten over their caffeine
addictions, switch to espresso.
-------
Criminal wannabe
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a
robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself
during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words, ''Give me
all your money or I'll shoot,'' the man shouted,
''That's not what I said!''
-------
These are taken from real resumes and cover
letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997
issue of Fortune Magazine:
I demand a salary commiserate with my
extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and
spreadsheet progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
Its best for employers that I not work with
people.
Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my
experience.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget
details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to
move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged.
Uninvolved. No commitments.
I have an excellent track record, although I am
not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please
feel free to respond to my resume on my office
voicemail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting
completely no one and absolutely nothing.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I
possess no training in meterology, I suppose I
should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is
unpleasant.
As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing
investments.
Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen
gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a
Midwest chain store.
Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as
job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
Marital status: often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all
employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every
morning. Could not work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like
my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I've left a path of destruction
behind me.
-------
another baddie
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was
arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America
branch without a weapon. King used a thumb
and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately,
he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
-------
Stupid Bad Guy Tricks,
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik
Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash
drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so
he tied up the store clerk and worked the
counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.
-------
The following are actual stories as told by travel
agents (and you wonder why US citizens
generally score less than the rest of the world on
geography)...
A client called in inquiring about a package to
Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she
asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California
and then take the train to Hawaii?''
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to
Capetown. I started to explain the length of the
flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with ''I'm not trying to make you
look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly
explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,
Capetown is in Africa.'' Her response....click.
A secretary called in looking a for hotel in Los
Angeles. She gave me various names off a list,
none of which I could find. I finally had her fax
me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels
in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA
stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans
was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called
her back, she was not even embarrassed.
A man called, furious about a Florida package
we did. I asked what was wrong with the
vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting
an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the
state. He replied, ''Don't lie to me. I looked on
the map and Florida is a very thin state.''
I got a call from a man who asked, ''is it possible
to see England from Canada?'' I said, ''No.'' He
said ''But they look so close on the map.''
Another man called and asked if he could rent a
car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I
noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,
he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I
need a car to drive between the gates to save
time.''
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how
it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at
8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried
to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois, but she could not understand the
concept of time zones. Finally I told her the
plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, ''Do airlines put your
physical description on your bag so they know
whose luggage belongs to who?'' I said, ''No,
why do you ask?'' She replied, ''Well, when I
checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my
luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is
there any connection?'' After putting her on hold
for a minute while I ''looked into it'' (I was
actually laughing) I came back and explained
the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the
airline was just putting a destination tag on her
luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked,
''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked
him what exactly he meant, which he replied, ''I
was told my flight number is 823, but none of
these planes have numbers on them.''
A woman called and said, ''I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes.'' I
asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
commuter plane. She said, ''Yea, whatever.''
A businessman called and had a question about
the documents he needed in order to fly to
China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
''Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times
and never had to have one of those.'' I double
checked, and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've
been to China 4 times and every time they have
accepted my American Express.''
-------
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET WINDOWS 95
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard
drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train
me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want
to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off.
Off. I know how to start it. So tell me
what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, ''Start!''
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to
press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist
button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to
Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time
we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye
-------
And now for the question of the day---is your
computer 'male' or 'female'?
You decide! As you are aware, ships have long
been characterized as being female (e.g.,
''steady as she goes'' or ''she's listing to
starboard, Captain!''). Recently, a group of
computer scientists (all male) announced that
computers should be also be referred to as
being female. Their reasons for drawing this
conclusion follow:
Five Reasons to Believe Computers are Female
1. No one but the Creator understands their
internal logic.
2. The native language they use to
communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message ''Bad command or file name''
is about as informative as ''If you don't know why
I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you.''
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in
long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one,
you find yourself spending half your paycheck
on accessories for it.
HOWEVER, another group of computer
scientists (all female) think that computers
should be referred to as if they were male. Their
reasons follow:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still
clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve
problems, but half the time they ARE the
problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize
that if you had waited a little longer you could
have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to
turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the
rest of the night.
-------
Three men: a project manager, a software
engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft.
Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on
a project. About midweek they decide to walk up
and down the beach during their lunch hour.
Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a
lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and
says ''Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but
since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each
one wish.''
The hardware engineer went first. ''I would like to
spend the rest of my life living in a huge house
in St. Thomas, with no money worries and
surrounded by beautiful women who worship
me.'' The genie granted him his wish and sent
him on off to St. Thomas. The software engineer
went next. ''I would like to spend the rest of my
life living on a huge yacht cruising the
Mediterranean, with no money worries and
surrounded by beautiful women who worship
me.'' The genie granted him his wish and sent
him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's
turn. ''And what would your wish be?'' asked the
genie. ''I want them both back after lunch''
replied the project manager.
-------
What the Company Really Means:
''COMPETITIVE SALARY:''
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
''JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:''
We have no time to train you.
''CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:''
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple
of the real daring guys wear earrings.
''MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:''
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
''SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:''
Some overtime each night and some overtime each weekend.
''DUTIES WILL VARY:''
Everyone in the office can boss you around.
''MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:''
We have no quality control.
''CAREER-MINDED:''
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
''APPLY IN PERSON:''
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been
filled.
''NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:''
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
formality.
''SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE EXPERIENCE:''
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
''PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:''
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
''REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:''
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or
respect.
''GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:''
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and
do it.
''GROUND FLOOR OPPORTUNITY''
Means you will be working hard to support the ones a
bove you.
''HIGHLY MOTIVATED INDIVIDUAL''
Means, the others in the company will depend on
your motivation.
What a Potential Employee Means:
''I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:''
I pilfer office supplies.
''I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:''
I've used Microsoft Office.
''MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:''
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
''I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:''
I blame others for my mistakes.
''I'M PERSONABLE:''
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to coworkers.
''I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:''
I carry a Day-Timer.
''WHEN YOU NEED ME I'M THERE:''
I'm there -- not here!
''I AM ADAPTABLE:''
I've changed jobs a lot.
''I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:''
The minute I find a better job, I'm gone!
''I AM ON THE GO:''
You'll never find me at my desk.
''I AM CONSTANTLY ON THE GO:''
I have serious intestinal problems.
-------
Last fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who
were taking Organic Chemistry & who did pretty well
on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc., such that going into the
final they had a solid ''A.'' These two friends were so
confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week,
even though the Chem final was on Monday, they decided to
go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends. The
did this and had a great time. However, with their
hangover, etc., they overslept all day Sunday & didn't make it back to
Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than take the
final then, what they did was to find Professor Aldric after the final
and explain to him whey they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, had planned to
come back in time to study, but that they had a flat
tire on the way back & didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a
long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the
final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
Prof. Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate
rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something
simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. ''Great''
they though, ''this is going to be easy.'' They did that
problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
-------
A customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:
Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision
code of a program?
UNIX consul: Yes, that's correct.
Customer: No, what is it?
UNIX consul: Yes.
Customer: So, which is the one?
UNIX consul: No. ''which'' is used to find the program.
Customer: Stop this. Who are you?
UNIX consul: Use ''who am i'' not ''who r you''. You can also ''finger
you'' to get information about you.
Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?
UNIX consul: Use ''what''.
Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?
UNIX consul: No. ''true'' gives you 0.
Customer: Which one?
UNIX consul: ''true'' gives you 0. ''which program name''
Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do
I find it?
UNIX consul: Type ''find / -name it -print'' to find ''it''. Type
''what program'' to get the revision code.
Customer: I want to find the revision code.
UNIX consul: You can't ''find revisioncode'', you must use ''what
program''.
Customer: Which command will do what I need?
UNIX consul: No. ''which command'' will find ''command''.
Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.
UNIX consul: You can ''write that'' only if ''that'' is a user on your
system.
Customer: Write what?
UNIX consul: No. ''write that''. ''what program''.
Customer: Cut that out!
UNIX consul: Yes. Those are valid files for ''cut''. Don't forget
the options.
Customer: Do you always do this?
UNIX consul: ''du'' will give you disk usage.
Customer: HELP!
UNIX consul: ''help'' is only used for Source Code Control System
(SCCS).
Customer: You make me angry.
UNIX consul: No, I don't ''make me'' angry but I did ''make programname''
when I was upset once.
Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX consul: No ''more''? ''which'' will help you find ''more''.
Every system has ''more''.
Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!
UNIX consul: Understand that since ''help'' is such a small program,
it is better not to ''nice help''. And ''more now'' is
not allowed but ''at now'' is. Unless of course ''now''
is a file name.
Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX consul: I didn't know you needed help with ''pc''. I'm
transferring you to the Pascal compiler team...
-------
ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing
machines. Please remove all your clothes when
the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:
Bargain Basement Upstairs.
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took
the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or
further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break
staff should empty the teapot and stand upside
down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of
Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is
kept locked because of the draft. Please use
side entrance)
6. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We
exchange anything - bicycles, washing
machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along
and get a wonderful bargain.
7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any
person passing this point will be drowned. By
order of the District Council.
8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more
than 30 days will be disposed of.
9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW:
Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants
Please Stay In Your Car.
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For
anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows
walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull
charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot
read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair
anything (Please knock hard on the door - the
bell doesn't work)
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON
OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use
floor below.
-------
*** Read until the end ***
An answer to the eternal question ''Is it better to be a jock or a
nerd?''
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute,
assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making
$178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night
while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling
it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take
him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they
would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will
be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his
tax deferred account (401k), he will have hit the federal cap of >
$9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1998.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made,
you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the
Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is
being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his
trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past
presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?
But:
Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a
net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
Nerds win!
-------
A blonde had a near death experience that has changed her forever.
The other day, she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine
until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her
might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in
the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground Her
head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even
slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing
consciousness, the Wal-Mart
manager came out and unplugged it.
-------
Guy walked into a little corner store with a
shotgun and demanded all the cash from the
cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told
the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he
refused and said ''Because I don't believe you
are over 21.''
The robber said he was, but the clerk still
refused to give it to him because he didn't
believe him. At this point the robber took his
drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that
the man was in fact over 21 and he put the
scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the
store with his loot. The cashier promptly called
the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that he got off of the license. They
arrested the robber two hours later.
-------
-------
Something we all might find even more funny if
so many were not so true.... ''GENERATION X
AND THEIR OFFICE LINGO''
Blame storming - sitting around in a group
discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed and who was responsible.
Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.
Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print
media etc. looking for references to one's own
name.
Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a
cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the
walls to see what's going on.
Idea hamsters - people who always seem to
have their idea generators running .
Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer
to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in
which you realize you've just made a big
mistake.
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two
Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being
stressed out and whiny.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by
your boss. Derived from the experiences of
Dilbert, the geek comic strip character.
''I've been dilberted again. The old man revised
the specs for the fourth time this week.''
CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer
with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic
action figure.
Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and
dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances
that lack nutritional content. ''I just spent six
hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad
case of Dorito Syndrome.''
Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for
violating an on-line service's code of conduct.
''Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me
under mouse arrest.''
Glazing - Corporate speak for sleeping with
your eyes open. A popular pastime at
conferences and early morning meetings.
''Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing
by the second session?''
Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a
publication available in both paper and
electronic forms, as in: ''The dead tree edition of
the San Francisco Chronicle...''
Graybar Land - The place you go while you're
staring at a computer that's processing
something very slowly (while you watch the gray
bar creep across the screen). ''I was in graybar
land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that
CAD rendering.''
Open Collar Workers - People who work at
home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird - To transmit a signal up to a
satellite. ''Crew and talent are ready...what time
do we squirt the bird?''
Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that
hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web
page.
It's a Feature - From the adage ''It's not a bug,
it's a feature.'' Used sarcastically to describe an
unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss
over.
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of
dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
''Are there any other terminals I can use? This
one has a bad case of keyboard plaque.''
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable,
technically proficient person in an office or
work group. ''Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek
around here.''
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational
layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are
often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to
the problems they were designed to solve.
Gray Matter - Older, experienced business
people hired by young entrepreneurial firms
looking to appear more reputable and
established.
Salmon Day - The experience of spending an
entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert
brought in to reduce the employee head count,
leaving the top brass with clean hands .
404 - someone who is clueless, from the World
Wide Web error message ''404 Not Found'',
meaning the requested document couldn't be
located. Don't bother asking him, he's 404.
Elvis year - the peak year of something's
popularity, Barney the dinosaur's
-------
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert
Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down
Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers
Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops
off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in
Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10
Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved
One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a
While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds
Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test
Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
-------
One day a blonde girl comes
upon a coke vending machine. She
places the coin into the slot and selects
coke. The can of coke pops out and the
blonde says ''WOW!'' She then runs home and
gets a whole bunch of coins, puts the coins
into the slot, selects coke, and watches in
awe as the soda keeps on coming.
After this goes on for about an hour
a thirsty man comes to the same coke vending
machine. He asks, ''Can I go next?'' Peaved,
the blonde answers, ''Can't you see that I'm
winning?''
-------
TRUE STORIES FROM SAN FRANCISCO
It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown
Bank of America, walked into the branch and
wrote ''This iz a stickup. Put all your money in
this bag,'' on a deposit slip. While standing in
line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write
the note and might call the police before he
reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo
Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed
his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it,
and surmising from his spelling errors that he
was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him
that she could not accept his stick-up note
because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill
out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said,
''OK,'' and left the Wells Fargo Bank. The Wells
Fargo teller then called the police, who arrested
the man a few minutes later. He was waiting in
line back at the Bank of America!
LICENSE TO STEAL
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a
cash machine by running a chain from the
machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead, they pulled the bumper off the truck.
They panicked, fled & left the chain still attached
to the machine & their bumper (license plate still
attached).
IN THE BAG
A ''tourist,'' supposedly on a golf holiday, made
idle chatter at the customs counter. The customs
official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know
what a handicap was & asked the tourist to
demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A
substantial amount of narcotics was found in the
golf bag.
MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company
specializing in staged gunfights for Western
movies, got a call from a woman who wanted to
have her husband shot. She was sentenced to
four years.
DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal
to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a
two-year prison sentence. He provided the court
a forged check. He got his prison term back,
plus eight more years.
YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record
shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one
shouted, ''Nobody move!'' His partner moved &
the startled first bandit shot him.
DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County was ticketed for driving
alone in the car pool lane. He claimed that the
four frozen cadavers in his mortuary van should
be counted. The judge ruled that passengers
must be alive to qualify.
THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven
Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the
holding cell and called, ''Crook, come forward.''
Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
LEARN YOUR LESSON
A woman charged with a traffic violation stated
her occupation as school teacher. The judge
rose from the bench, ''Madam, I have waited
years for a schoolteacher to appear before this
court. Now sit at that table and write 'I will not
pass through a red light' five hundred times.''
AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went ''a little
bit too far'' in recommending a sentence of
5,005 years for a man convicted of five
robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced
the sentence to 1,001 years.
OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!
A lawyer defended a man accused of burglary
with: ''My client merely inserted his arm into the
window and removed a few trifling articles. His
arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
punish the whole individual for an offense
committed by his limb.'' ''Well put,'' the judge
replied. ''Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He
can accompany it or not, as he chooses.'' The
defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance
he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the
bench, and walked out.
-------
Today's word: infonesia or internesia
Here's a problem that's apparently becoming so
widespread that it currently has two names:
infonesia and internesia. Each is used to
describe the inability to remember where one
found a piece of information. While infonesia
can be more broadly applied to all media,
internesia makes it clear that the memory lapse
is due to the overwhelming amount of electronic
information (e-mail, Web sites, newsgroups, and
so on) to which we're exposed. You'll know
you've been hit with it when you tell your
coworkers about this new thing called
''infonesia,'' but forget that you read it here.
-------
REDNECK ETIQUETTE
- Redneck Driving Etiquette -
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles,
even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle
with the largest tires always has the right of
way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct
tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a
gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back
beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle,
especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all
your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
procession.
- Redneck Personal Hygiene -
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should
never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to
change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is
a job that should be done in private using one's
OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming
work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance
for pain can accomplish the same goal and save
hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water
handy when using this method.
- Redneck Dining Out -
Remember to leave a generous tip for good
service. After all, their mobile home costs just
as much as yours.
- Redneck Entertaining in Your Home -
A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . .no
matter how good his manners are.
- Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially
on the first date.
- Redneck Theater Etiquette -
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and
picked up immediately after the movie has
ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.
- Redneck Wedding Etiquette -
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding
gift.
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a
wedding.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only
cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit
with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt
can create a natty appearance. Though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for
this special occasion.
- Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if
they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before
shooting at them.
Always say ''Excuse me'' after getting sick in
someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in
the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul
to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of
public toilets, especially if other people are
around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family
members.
-------
21 Kids' Letters to God
Dear God, Thanks for the baby brother, but what
I prayed for was a puppy -Joyce
Dear God, Are you really invisible or is that a
trick? - Lucy
Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what
You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
- Jane
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never
asked for anything before, You can look it up. -
Bruce
Dear God, I read the Bible. What does ''begat''
mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Allison
Dear God, I bet it is very hard for You to love all
of everybody in the whole world. There are only
4 people in our family and I can never do it. -
Nan
Dear God, I want to be just like my Daddy when
I get big but not with so much all over. - Sam
Dear God, Did You really mean ''do unto others
as they do unto you?'' Because if you did, then
I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and
having to make new ones, why don't You just
keep the ones You have now? - Jane
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. -
Margret
Dear God, I went to this wedding and they
kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil
Dear God, Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I
thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -
Tom
> Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to
look like that or was it an accident? - Norma
Dear God, Who draws the lines around
countries? - Nan
Dear God, If we come back as something -
please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I
hate her. - Denise
Dear God, My brother is a rat. You should give
him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill
each other so much if they had their own rooms.
- Larry
Dear God, If You watch me in Church Sunday,
I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey D.
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light.
But in school they said You did it. So, I bet he
stoled Your idea. - Sincerely, Donna
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a
better God. Well, I just want You to know but I
am not just saying that because You are God
already. -Charles
Dear God, My brother told me about being born
but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding,
aren't they? - Billy
-------
A managed care company president was given
a ticket for a performance of Schubert's
''Unfinished Symphony.'' Since he was unable
to go, he passed the invitation to one of his
managed care reviewers. The next morning, the
president asked the reviewer how he had
enjoyed it, and he was handed a memorandum,
which read as follows:
MEMORANDUM
1. For a considerable period, the oboe players
had nothing to do. Their number should be
reduced, and their work spread over the whole
orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes.
This seems unnecessary duplication, and the
staff in this section should be drastically cut. If
a large volume of sound is required, this could
be obtained through use of an amplifier.
3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th
notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and
it is recommended that all notes should be
rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were
done, it would be possible to use
paraprofessionals instead of experienced
musicians.
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating
with horns the passage that has already been
handled by the strings. If all such redundant
passages were eliminated, the concert could be
reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
5. This symphony has two movements. If
Schubert did not achieve his musical goals by
the end of the first movement, then he should
have stopped there. The second movement is
unnecessary and should be cut.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that
had Schubert given attention to these matters,
his symphony would probably have been
finished by now.
-------
Four Sardarjis were waiting on a Railway
Platform for the ''Punjab Mail''. As they were
waiting there was an announcement that
passengers should kindly take note that the
''Punjab Mail'' will leave after two hours. So the
four of them decided to take a round, have
breakfast and come back, as they had 2 hours
to spend. After spending the 2 hours, when they
reached the station they saw the ''Punjab Mail''
just leaving the platform. So four of them started
running fast to catch the train.
One of them was able to catch the 6th boogie
as he was a good runner; the other one got on
to the last boogie and the other two could not get
on to the train. When the two Sardarjis who
managed to get on to the train met each other,
they started laughing. They go on laughing ...
laughing .... and....laughing. Passengers
besides are surprised to notice the laughter.
One of them asked the Sardarjis ... ''Hey what's
that? Can you tell us what is this laughter about?
One of the Sardarjis replied ''The two who are
actually supposed to travel are left behind. We
were just to accompany them till the Platform
only.''
-------
One Sardarji was speeding on highway 66 that goes
from Washington to Front Royal in Virginia. The
police stopped him and said, ''Sir you are have
been speeding.'' Sardarji said, ''No the sign
says 66.'' The cop replied, ''That's the highway
number and the speed limit is 55'' Sardarji
exclaimed, ''Oh, I am glad you didn't catch me
on 495.''
-------
The following is an ad. from a real-life
newspaper which appeared four days in a row -
the last three hopelessly trying to correct the
first day's mistake.
MONDAY Notice:
For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine
for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask
for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice:
We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad.
yesterday. It should have read: ''One sewing
machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and
ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7
P.M.''
WEDNESDAY Notice:
R.D. Jones has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls
because of the error that we made in the
classified ad. yesterday. The ad. stands
corrected as follows:
''For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine
for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.
and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.''
THURSDAY Notice:
I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for
sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have
had the phone disconnected. I have not been
carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she
was my housekeeper but she quit!
-------
The following are new Error Messages planned for Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: ''You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format
your brain?''
10) This is a message from God: ''Rebooting the universe, please log off.''
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - ''OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)''
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
-------
Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to
his knees and started thanking God.
A passerby saw him and asked, ''Your donkey
is missing, what are you thanking
God for ?'' The Sardarji replied ''I am thanking
Him for seeing to it that I wasn't
riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I
would have been missing too.''
-------
There were four Sardars in Mumbai and they decided to
start a business. They had a lot of discussions on the
type of business and finally decided to start a
hotel.
They selected a prime location and the best of cooks
and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugurated and was
awaiting its first customer. The Sardars waited and
waited but nobody turned up. The story was the same the
next day. A week passed but nobody turned up.
WHY ? - B'cos there was a sign at the entrance
''Visitors not allowed.''
After the failure of their hotel they decided to start
an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing
equipment and soon started the garage. The 4 Sardars
waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car
entered their garage. They waited for one day, two days,
a week* but no car came to their garage.
WHY ? - B'cos their garage was on the first floor.
After this failure they decided to fall back on the
good old taxi driving. They bought a new Premier
Padmini running on CNG and began to look for
passengers. They drove past Churchgate but nobody
hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman Point yet
nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to
Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed
their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all
around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi.
WHY ? - B'cos all the four Sardars were sitting in
the taxi.
All the four Sardars were very disgusted with their
naseeb and decided to push their taxi into the sea at
Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi. They
pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the
taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest
for the night and start the next day. The next day
the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldn't move.
They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldn't
budge.
WHY ? - B'cos two Sardarjis were pushing from front
and two from behind.
-------
Diner : Waiter, look at this chicken, nothing but
skin and bones.
Waiter : What else do u want, feathers?
Diner : I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call
the manager!
Waiter : It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner : You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter : Well, you don't expect to walk there,
do you?
-------
(Seen in news letter from tripod)
From SamIAm:
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I
remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the
number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
''Hello?'' I politely said, ''This is Patrick Hanifin
and could I please speak to Robin Carter?''
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!
I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I
tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She
had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with
Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on
my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled ''You're a jerk!''
and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word
''Jerk,'' and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or
had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and
then I'd yell, ''You're a jerk!''
It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone
company introduced caller ID. This was a real
disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the
jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number,
then heard his voice, ''Hello.''
I made up a name. ''Hi. This is a repair man with the
telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're
familiar with our caller
ID program?''
He went, ''No!'' and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, ''That's because
you're a jerk!''
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story,
is to show you how if there's ever anything really
bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial
823-4863.
Sometime later.... An old lady at the mall really took
her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't
think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began
to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of
room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally
leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up
the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into
her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, ''You
can't just do that Buddy. I was here first!'' The guy
climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He
walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a
lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a
''For Sale'' sign in the back window of his car. I
wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place
to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my
desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling
823-4863 and yelling, ''You're a jerk!'' (It's really
easy to call him now since I have his number on
speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with
the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better
call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone
answered the phone and said, ''Hello.'' I said, ''Is
this the man with the black Camaro for sale?''
''Yes it is.''
''Can you tell me where I can see it?''
''Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a
yellow house and the car's parked right out front.''
I said, ''What's your name?''
''My name is Don Hansen.''
''When's a good time to catch you, Don?''
''I'm home in the evenings.''
''Listen Don, can I tell you something?''
''Yes.''
''Don, you're a jerk!'' And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my
speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me.
Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then
after several months of calling the jerks and hanging
up on them, the whole thing started to seem like
an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used
to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came
up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk a1.
A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello.''
I yelled ''You're a jerk!'', but I didn't hang up.
The jerk said, ''Are you still there?''
I said, ''Yeah.. ''
He said, ''Stop calling me.''
I said, ''No.''
He said, ''What's your name, Pal?''
I said, ''Don Hansen.''
''Where do you live?''
''1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my
black Camaro's parked out front.''
''I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start
saying your prayers.''
''Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!'' and I hung
up. Then I called Jerk a2.
He answered, ''Hello.''
I said, ''Hello, Jerk!''
He said, ''If I ever find out who you are...''
''You'll what?''
''I'll beat you up.''
''Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now Jerk!'' And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that
I was going to kill my lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war
going on down W. 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to
34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you
want to watch two jerks beating up each other in front
of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off
the evening news. If better is possible, good is not
enough.
See ya next time!
Funchick
-------
my cousin used to work at Burger King, here are some
of the things he remembered:
1)The manager told the new recruits that ''This is a
great stepping stone toward your carreer!''
The manager said that in all sincerity, too. Most
fastfood restaurants pay $5.00 an hour.
2)My cousin used to work in the back making sandwiches.
He used to sream and yell from the back,
''Go to McDonalds!!! We chop cats back here!!!! Go to
McDonalds!!!!'' If you want to see a manager get mad,
do that. The managers eat and sleep Burger King.
McDonalds is Burger King's biggest competitor.
3)Speaking of managers, the managers used to steal
from the cash register. He went through eight or so
managers because the managers would get caught and
then fired.
-------
I was at the beach with my children when my
four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand,
and led me to the shore where a sea gull lay dead in
the sand. ''Mommy, what happened to him?''
the little boy asked. ''He died and went to Heaven,''
I replied. My son thought a moment and then said,
''And God threw him back down?''
-------
''
When commerce had been established with the Fiji
islanders, a merchant who was an atheist and skeptic
landed on the island to do business. He was talking to
the Fiji cheif and noticed a Bible and some other
parapheernalia of religion around the house.
''What a shame,'' he said, ''that you have listened
to this foolish nonsense of the missionaries.''
The cheif replied, ''Do you see the lrge white stone
over there? That is a stone where just a few years ago
we used to smash the heads of our victims to get at
their brains. Do you see that lrge oven over there?
That is the oven where just a few years ago we used to
bake the bodies of our victims before we feasted upon
them. Had we not listened to what you call the nonsense
of those missionaries, I assure you that your head
would already be smashed on that rock and your body
baking in that oven.''
There is no record of the merchant's response to
that explanation of the imporatance of the Gospel of
Christ.
''
-an excerpt from the book ''Revolution in World Missions''
by K. P. Yohannon. Printed by gfa books - a division of
Gospel for Asia
-------
Husband : You know dear, our son got his brain
from me.
Wife : I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
-------
Hindi / English Jokes
What did the lonely banana say?
I'm a''kela''.
What did the green peas say?
Nothing. They just ''mutter''ed.
What did the potato say when it answered the
phone ?
''Aaloo?''
Where do cauliflowers hang out?
In the Gobi desert.
What did the sag-paneer say to Eastman
Kodak?
Cheese!
What kind of sweaters do grapes wear?
Angoora
What is a vegetables favorite love song?
Love me tinda.
What did the flower say to its girl friend?
Why do phools fall in love?
What did the confused egg say?
I don't unda-stand.
What do shrimps sing on Christmas?
Jhinga Bells.
What did the half eaten naan say?
I wish I was puri.
What did the lonely potato sing?
''Aaloo lonesome tonight ?''
What language do carrots speak?
Gajar-ati.
-------
''Ruin Sorbees''
A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest
and room-service, at a hotel in Asia ...
Room Service: ''Morny, Ruin sorbees''
Guest : ''Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service''
RS: ''Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor
sunteen??''
G : ''Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs''
RS: ''Ow July den?''
G : ''What??''
RS: ''Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?''
G : ''Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry,
scrambled please.''
RS: ''Ow July dee baykem...crease?''
G : ''Crisp will be fine''
RS: ''Hokay. An San tos?''
G : ''What?''
RS: ''San tos. July San tos?''
G : ''I don't think so''
RS: ''No? Judo one toes??''
G : ''I'm sorry, but I don't know what 'judo one
toes' means.''
RS: ''Toes! toes!...why djew don juan toes? Ow
bow singlish mopping we bother?''
G: ''English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying
'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be
fine.''
RS: ''We bother?''
G : ''Nooo....just put the bother on the side.''
RS: ''Wad?''
G : ''I mean butter...just put it on the side.''
RS: ''Copy?''
G : ''Sorry?''
RS: ''Copy...tea...mill?''
G : ''Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.''
RS: ''One Minnie. Ass a strangle ache, crease
baykem, tossy singlish mopping we bother
honey sigh, and copy....rye??''
G : ''Whatever you say''
RS: ''Tendjewberrymudge''
G : ''You're welcome''
-------
more variations on a familiar theme
THINGS THAT ARE ODD
------------------------------------
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train
station is where a train stops. On my desk I have
a work station...
* I believe five out of four people have trouble
with fractions.
*If quitters never win, and winners never quit,
what fool came up with, ''Quit while you're
ahead''?
* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's
licenses of bald men?
* I was thinking that women should put pictures
of missing husbands on beer cans.
* I was thinking about how people seem to read
the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then
it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for
their finals.
* Employment application blanks always ask who
is to be notified in case of an emergency. I
think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the
Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .
become Pen Pals to these men ?
-------
ONLY IN AMERICA
- Submitted by Boneswish
------------------------------------
Only in America...can a pizza get to your
house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking
places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double
cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet
coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors
open and then chain the pens to the
counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth
thousands of dollars in the driveway and
leave useless things and junk in boxes in
the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering
machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call
from someone we didn't want to talk to in
the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in
packages of ten and buns in packages
of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word
''politics'' to describe the process so well:
''Poli'' in latin meaning ''many'' and
''tics'' meaning ''blood-sucking creatures''...
-------
ARMY RECEPTION CENTER
Seargant: Welcome to the U.S.Army where you can
be all that I say you can be.
-------
Mom: Everything is going up-the price of food,
clothing, everything. I wish something would go down.
Daughter: Take a look at my report card!
-------
The housefly, escorting her daughter across
the head of a completely bald man, observed,
'' How quickly times change! When I was your age,
my dear, this was just a footpath.''
-------
Did you know that all military doctors are officers?
Except for the one that handed a general a thermometer
and told him exactly what to do with it.
-------
Jill: Teacher, I can't do this promblem.
Teacher: Any 5 year old shoul be able to do it.
Jill: No wonder why, I'm 10.
-------
Louie: Dad, can you write your name in the dark?
Dad: I think I can.
Louie: Great I'll turn the lights off and you
can sign my report card.
-------
Teacher: Why did you bake your term paper?
Dana: Because you said that you wanted it well done
-------
Tom: Why did you always bring an extra pair of pants
when you play golf?
Jim: Because I might get a hole-in-one.
-------
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer
sitting together in a carriage in a train going through
Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and
as it was an old style train there were no lights in the
carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of
a really loud slap. When the train came out of the
tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting
as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his
hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: ''The Irish fella must
have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and
slapped me instead.''
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ''The English fella must
have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman
and got slapped for it.''
The Irishman was thinking: ''This is great! The next
time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another
kissing noise and slap that English idiot again.''
-------
An evangelist was visiting an unfamiliar town and asked
a local boy the way to the postoffice.
''Two blocks down and then make a right,''
the boy answered.
''Do you know who I am?,'' the preacher asked.
''Nope''
''I am a famous preacher and if you come to hear me tonight I'll show
you the way to heaven.''
''How can you do that?'' the boy asked doughtfully,
''when you don't even know the way to the postoffice.''
-------
Did you hear about the guy who went to the football
game because he thought that the quarter back was a
refund?
-------
Did you hear about the guy who won a letter in football
and asked a friend to read it to him?
-------
A donkey, after seeing a zebra for the first time said to
himself, ''Imagine that, a donkey whose been to jail.''
-------
Rookie : What does it take to hit the ball the way
that you do?
Veteren: A Bat
-------
Teacher: What's an autobiography?
Gail : it's the life story of a car.
-------
If a king sits on gold what does the Lone Ranger sit on?
SILVER
-------
Craig : Mom, why is your hair turning gray?
Mother: Because of all the worries you cause me.
Craig : Then you must have been really bad to Grandma.
-------
At 20 we don't care what the world thinks of us.
At 30 we worry what the world thinks of us.
But
at 60 we discover that it wasn't thinking of us at all.
-------
And old man was being interviewed on his 100th birthday.
''I'm proud to say that I've no enemies on this earth,''
he said proudly.
''That's a wonderful thought,'' the young reporter said.
''Sure is. Outlived every blamed one of them,'' he said.
-------
A monster, coming home from a hunt had brought home an
actor. ''ooh,'' his wife said, ''Ham sandwiches!''
-------
Teacher: Open your geography books. Ok class, who
can tell me where Switzerland is?
Daryn : I know, page 56!
-------
A gangster stomps through the swinging doors into a
restaurant.''Get out you lazy bums!''
The whole room rushes out except for a lone Englishman
quietly sipping his tea.
''I said 'Get out!' ''
'' I guess that there were a lot of lazy bums here
tonight,'' the Englishman said.
-------
*** Vacation Advertisement ***
Have you ever wanted to visit the lush stae of South
Carolina? Now there is a travel agency that will take you
there. For free. Yes that's right. FREE!! In fact they
start paying you! Eight weeks in South Carolina.
Meals are included. Free areobics classes are held.
Clothing is also provided. Wake up calls are made even
without you having to activate them! Sleeping is in large
dormitories.The staff is ever present.
THE CATCH:
The travel agency is: U.S. ARMY
The town is Fort Jackson
The pay is military salary
The meals are eaten in 5 minutes at the messhall
The areobics classes are mandatory and is also called
''P.T. (Physical Training)''
The Clothing is all green and camouflaged
The wakeup calls are in the form of a bugle and cannot be
disactivated
The ''large dormintories'' are ARMY barracks
The staff are drill sergents
-------
A Sardarji is selected to play for the Indian
cricket team as an opening batsman. He opens
the batting against West Indies. He is asked to
face the very first over from Marshall who is
bowling at his fiercest...
First ball : Whizzes past Sardarjis off-stump.
Sardarji doesn't move an inch. Ball goes to
wicket-keeper.
Second ball : Goes right over the Sardarjis bat
and just over the middle stump, somehow
missing both the bat and the stumps. Sardarji is
again unmoved.
Third ball : Is a bouncer. Almost decapitates
the Sardarji, missing his head by a fraction of
an inch. Ball goes to wicket-keeper. Sardarji
doesn't move a muscle.
Fourth ball: Outside the leg-stump. Sardarji
again doesn't move, and the ball shoots past him
to the wicket-keeper. But this time, the umpire
shouts ''No Ball!''
Sardarji walks upto the umpire and tells him,
''So you discovered it now? You see, I know
from the very beginning that the guy has no ball
in his hand!''
-------
I bought my wife an electric blender, an electric
can opener, a microwave, an electric toaster
oven, an electric timer; she started to complain
that all these electric gadgets left her with no
room to stand in the kitchen. So I bought her an
electric chair.
-------
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did
they go back to?
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?
- How do I set my laser printer on stun?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience
sitting?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest
have to drown too?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it
still #2?
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay
you to do it?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Why are hemorrhoids called ''hemorrhoids'' instead
of ''asteroids''?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of
that song?
- What happens when none of your bees wax?
- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged
during a plane crash, why isn't the whole
airplane made out of the stuff?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If most car accidents occur within five miles of
home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the
sweaty things.
- Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?
- If all those psychics know the winning lottery
numbers, why are they all still working?
- Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing
sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
- Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands
with soap?
- And whose cruel idea was it for the word ''Lisp''
to have a ''S'' in it?
-------
Dad: Son, what do you want to do with your life?
Son: I want to drive one of those big army tanks, Dad.
Dad: Well, then I certainly won't stand in your way!
-------
A Drill Seargant was picking on a private.
DS: What would happen if one of your ears were shot off, Dummy?
Private: I couldn't hear.
DS: That's right. What if both your ears were shot off, Dummy?
Private: I couldn't see.
DS: How do you figure that, Dummy?
Private: If both of my ears were shot off my helmet would fall down
over
my eyes.
-------
What do you get if you cross a fish with George Washington?
THE FLOUNDER OF OUR COUNTRY
-------
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a crow?
A BROKEN TELEPHONE WIRE
-------
Three friends are working in a company which is on the 20th
floor of a tall building in Bombay. One is a Tamilian, the
second is a Bengali and the third is a Sardarji.
Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their
lunch together. One day the Tamilian opened his lunch box
and found idlis in the box. He says '' I am fed up of eating
these idlis daily. If I find idlis in the box tommorow, i will
jump from the 20th floor and die'' Next the Bengali opens his
lunch box and finds Fish in it and says If I find fish in my
lunch box tommorow, I am going to jump from the 20th floor
of this building and die'' Next the Sardarji opens his lunch
box and finds Parathas in it and says ''Mother promise, if I
find parathas in my box tommorow I am also going to jump
from the 20th floor and die''
Next day the three friends meet in the lunch room for lunch.
Tamilian opens his lunch box and finds Idlis and jumps from
the 20th floor and dies. Bengali opens his lunch box and
finds fish in it and jumps from the 20th floor and dies.
Sardarji opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps
from the 20th floor and dies.
In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their
colleagues, the Tamilian's widow says ''I did not know he
hated idils so much. If not I would have packed something
else for his lunch'' The Bengali's widow says ''I did not
know he hated fish so much. If not I would have packed
something else for his lunch''
The sardarji's widow says ''I do not understand what went
wrong. My husband always prepares his own lunch''
-------
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the
newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers'
Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is
this Bricklayer's report.
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put
''Poor Planning'' as the cause of my accident. You asked for
a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be
sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I
completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over
which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to
lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached
to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof,
swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I
went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a
slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the
accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so
suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of
the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the
side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was
now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the
broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting
form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles
deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of
this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained
my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the
rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to
experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I
began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the
vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with
the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries
when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three
vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty
barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and
presence of mind and let go of the rope.
-------
3 old men
Three elderly men are sitting in a diner, chatting about
various things. One man says, ''You know, I'm getting really
forgetful. This morning,I was standing at the top of the stairs,
and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was
about to go down.''
The second man says, ''You think that's bad? The other
day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't
remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!''
The third man smiles smugly. ''Well, my memory's just as
good as it's always been, knock on wood.'' He raps the
table. With a startled look on his face, he asks, ''Who's
there?''
-------
Bus of politicians
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road,
when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed
into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer,after seeing
what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded
to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed
bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then
asked the old farmer, ''Were they ALL dead?'' The old farmer
replied, ''Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know
how them politicians lie.''
-------
Dead Husband
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the
obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The
obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents
a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, ''Well, then, let
it read, Fred Brown died.'' Amused at the woman's thrift, the
editor says, ''Sorry mam, there is a 7 word minimum for all
obituaries''.
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few
seconds says, ''In that case, let it read, ''Fred Brown died -
1983 Pick-up for sale.''
-------
The Merits of Having a Wooden Leg
by Wiley
The sum of the parts of a leg, artificial
including the hardware and such,
Are impervious to bruises and cuts, superficial
and far better sure-than a crutch.
While it's true if you once excelled in a sport,
it's unlikely that you'll make a comeback.
But how many guys
do you know otherwise
who can hold up their socks with a thumbtack.
-------
MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though
you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really
understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the
section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for
your mistakes is even more human, it is downright
natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your
computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably
found to have evolved from a simpler system that
worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is
computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it
to do, but rarely what you want to do.
-------
Q: How can you tell if a man is well hung?
A: When you can`t put your fingers between the rope and his neck.
-------
A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on
a three week tour through the hinterlands in the
south, and was visiting one particular farmer. He was
standing, alongside of the farmer, leaning on the
corral rail - as he always did before pitching ''the
new line of tractors'' - and looking at all of the farm
animals in the barnyard. Seeing one particular pig, he
said: ''Say, that sure is a fine hog, but, you know,
I have never seen a pig with one wooden leg before.''
The farmer said: ''You see, that there pig is one
valuable animal, I can tell you. That there hog saved
my life three times.''
''The first time was about a month ago. My wife
fried potatoes for supper, just the way I like them,
and left the frying pan on the stove. About midnight
or so, the pig must have smelled the smoke, but be
broke out of his pen, butted the house door open
with his snout, woke us up and we got out of the
house just in time.''
''And it wasn't but two weeks later and I was mowing on
the back forty and I tipped the tractor over and it
pinned me under the rear wheel. Gas was leaking out of
the tank onto the hot manifold and that pig must have
heard me yelling, because he broke out again, ran up to
me, saw what had happened, ran to the neighbour, got
help and the neighbour came with his tractor and pulled
me free.''
''And just last week, I was leading the old dairy bull
out to pasture, and he raised up and pulled the ring
out of his nose and, quick as two shakes of a dog's
tail, he knocked me down. He jumped on me and
straddled me with his horns and was about to gore me,
when the old pig heard what was going on, broke out
again, ran up, got a firm hold on the old bull's tail
and I got away.''
Having heard the explanation, the salesman said: ''All
well and good, but that doesn't explain why that hog
has got a wooden leg.''
The farmer replied: ''Well, in a way, it does. A pig
that is that valuable is way too valuable to eat all at
one time.''
-------
**TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
Some signs and headlines say the funniest things
With the record breaking temperatures and sweltering
humidity every one's mind becomes a little hazy.
Perhaps that would explain how these amusing double
meaning headlines I found in various newspapers slipped
past the keen mind of the newspaper's copy editor.
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says.
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.
Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be
belted.
Drunk gets nine months in violin case.
Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents.
Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over.
Eye drops off shelf.
Teacher strikes idle kids.
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead.
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax.
Miners refuse to work after death.
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.
2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter.
Never withhold herpes infection from loved one.
These oddball signs on different businesses will bring
a smile to your heat worn soul.
Non-smoking area: ''If we see you smoking we will
assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.''
Front Door: ''Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian
except the dog.''
Optometrist's Office: ''If you don't see what you're
looking for, you've come to the right place.''
Podiatrist's window: ''Time wounds all heels.''
Butcher's window: ''Let me meat your needs.''
Used Car Lot: ''Second Hand cars in first crash
condition.''
On a fence: ''Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.''
Muffler Shop: ''No appointment necessary. We'll hear
you coming.''
Hotel: ''Help! We need inn-experienced people.''
Dry Cleaner's Emporium: ''Drop your pants here.''
Reception Room: ''We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the
2nd one just left.''
Restaurant window: ''Don't stand there and be hungry,
come in and get fed up.''
Bowling Alley: ''Please be quiet. We need to hear a
pin drop.''
Funeral Home: ''Drive carefully, we'll wait.''
Counselor's office: ''Growing old is mandatory.
Growing wise is optional.''
-------
BLONDE JOKE
A Blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has
had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately
springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the
saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but
cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her
arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the
side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along,
seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde leaps
away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the
stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against the
ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when...............
the K-MART manager runs out to shut the horse off.
-------
+=======+
To help measure the length of this joke file, and its
growing rate, on October 4, 1998 A.D. this spot here
was the end of this huge joke file.
+=======+
-------
Why ask why?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks
drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it
make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has
the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that
eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because
they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped
people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
How does a thermos know when to keep something hot,
hot... and something cold, cold?
What is the speed of dark?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a ''free'' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour
before getting out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go
with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to
kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on
their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go to ''get away from it all''?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book
publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when
you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking
is prohibited there?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car,
its called a shipment, but when you transport something
by ship, its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you
supposed to throw the top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper,
does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring
at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 ''ups''?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a
green or a lemon called a yellow? Or maybe I'll just
have a big bunch of purples
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil
come from?
-------
A little boy asked his mother, ''Mummy, am I descended
from a monkey?'' The mother replied, ''I don't know,
son, I never met your father's folks.''
-------
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to
the couple next door and said, ''Do you see that
couple ? How devoted they are ? He kisses her every
time they meet. Why don't you do that ? ''I would love
to.'' replied the husband, ''but I don't know her well
enough.''
-------
A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said,
''When we were first married, I would come home from
the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our
cute little dog would run around barking. Now after
ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog
brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.''
''Why complain ?'' said the counsellor, ''You're still
getting the same service!''
-------
It was carreer day at school one day. After lunch time,
the teacher asked everyone where their fathers worked.
Teacher : Well, Billy, where does your dad work?
Billy: My dad is a fire man. He helps put out
burning houses!
Teacher : That's wonderful! And you Joe?
Joe : My dad is a policeman! He catches the robbers
who steal from stores!
Teacher : Great! Johnny, where does your dad work?
Johnny : My dad died.
Teacher : I'm sorry to hear that. How did he die?
Johnny : A train hit him.
Teacher : Oh. What did he do before the train hit him?
Johnny : AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
-------
One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady.
As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a
bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in
front of him. ''Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?''
he asks the lady.
''Help yourself,'' she replies. After about an hour
and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices that
he has eaten almost all of the peanuts in the bowl.
''I apologize,'' he says to the elderly lady.
''I only meant to eat a few.'' ''That's okay,'' says
the lady, ''since I've lost my teeth, all I've been
able to do is suck the chocolate off of them.''
-------
You can be sure it is a sardarji when somebody:
.. Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
.. Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
.. Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
.. Takes you to the airport, sees sign that said,
''Airport left'', turns around and goes home.
.. Got locked in Furniture Shop and slept on the floor.
.. At the bottom of the application where it says ''Sign
Here'' he puts ''Sagittarius.''
.. Takes 2 hours to watch ''60 Minutes''.
.. Studies for a blood test and fails.
.. Spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box
because it said ''concentrate.''
.. Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wanted to
makeup his mind.
.. Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
.. If you gave them a penny for their intelligence,
you'd get change.
.. Thinks socialism means partying.
.. Trips over a cordless phone.
.. Invents a solar powered flashlight.
.. Sells the car for gas money.
.. Hears 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so he
moves.
-------
Surd was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on
a diet. ''I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The
next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5
pounds.''
When Surd returned, he shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds. ''Why, that's amazing!'' the doctor
said, ''Did you follow my instructions?'' Surd nodded.
''I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop
dead that 3rd day.'' ''From hunger, you mean?''
''No, from skipping.''
-------
Santa Singh and Banta Singh were sitting on a tree and
Santa Singh was singing a song. After 4 songs Santa
Singh hung himself upside down and started singing
again. Banta Singh : ''oye Santa, tujhe kya ho gaya?
ulta kyon latak raha hai? (What's wrong? Why are you
singing upside down?)
Santa Singh : oye! kuchch nahi yaarr! mai 'B' side gaa
raha hoon! (I'm now singing the 'B' side ...)
------------
Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The
doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he
answered, ''mai shirt iron kar raha tha. jab phone
baja. Maine galti se iron ko utha kar kaan par rak liye!''
(I was ironing my shirt. When the phone rang, I mistakenly
put the iron right on my ear. ) ''Hey bhagwaan!'' the
doctor exclaimed in disbelief. ''par .. tera doosra
kaan bhi kyon laal hain?'' (But what happened to
your other ear?) Santa replies ''Saale ne phir dubaara
call kiya'' (The sun of a gun called me back!!)
-------
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on
the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened
the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the
cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The
man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20
bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from
the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you
and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted
the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on
the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor
store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was
caught on videotape.
Seattle : When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a
motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more
than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an
ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever
had.
Ann Arbor : The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that
a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at
8:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk
turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The
man, frustrated, walked away.
Newark : A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and
mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman
taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that
answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and
wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief
was arrested.
-------
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering
things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get
checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
After checking the couple out, the doctor told them
that they were physically okay, it was just a sign of
age, but might want to start writing things down and
make notes to help them remember things. The couple
thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up
from his chair and his wife asks, ''Where are you
going?'' He replies, ''To the kitchen.''
She asks, ''Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?''
He replies, ''Sure.''
She then asks him, ''Don't you think you should write
it down so you can remember it?''
He says, ''No, I can remember that.''
She then says, ''Well I also would like some
strawberries on top. You had better write that down
cause I know you'll forget that.''
He says, ''I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries.''
She replies, ''Well I also would like whip cream on top.
I know you will forget that so you better write it
down.'' With irritation in his voice, he says, ''I
don't need to write that down I can remember that.''
He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and
hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says,
''You forgot my toast.''
-------
The effect of Americanisation on rituals to Lord
Venkateswara: (To be implemented at the Pittsburg temple
very soon. '':-)'' )
Before archana, the priest will not ask for your Gothra
anymore, Your permanent social security number will do.
2 types of prasad will be available - Normal Prasad, Diet
Prasad.
Paal abhishekam will be of 4 types: Normal milk, 2% milk,
Skimmed milk and fat-free milk (The same for yogurt).
You don't tip the priest on the plate, when he gives the
prasad. You should swipe your visa card on his scanner.
You no more go around the temple from left to right. This is
America and everything here is from right to left.
Due to fire hazard, no more aarati, only flashlights will be
used.
To prevent noise pollution, all bakthas need to use
head-phones to listen the GONG of the bell during
flashlight-thee.
Softcopies of lord vekateswara are on sale at $1 per image.
The priest will no longer read the mantra from books, he will
use his laptop instead.
The temple would re-cycle the flowers used everyday - to
protect the environment.
Sponsors of all poojas will be allowed to display a 1.5''x5''
banner on the temple web-site The temple will sponsor this
year's NBA matches to gain publicity.
Any questions on these could be directed to
SriVenkateswaraSwami@mytemple.com
-------
Just a few thoughts for 1999...
1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
3. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
4. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . .
they were cramming for their finals.
5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little
tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers
use. Perhaps toothpicks?
6. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live
there?
7. Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw,
I shopped.
8. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
9. If a man says something in the woods and there are no
women there, is he still wrong?
10. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be
vague.
11. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it
didn't zigzag?
12. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime
next door went nuts.
13. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide,
is that considered a hostage situation?
14. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
15. Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
16. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come
from?
17. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
18. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you
pack it in?
19. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live
above me are furious.
20. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
21. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?
22. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
23. And whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's'
in it?
24. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak?
25. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
26. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be
twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
27. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you
know the battery is dead?
28. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians
throw hamburgers?
-------
The Dog Joke
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming
for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and
has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet
examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells
the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly
agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second
opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and
puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's
body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks
at the man and says, ''I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your
dog is dead, too.''
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So
the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks
from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The
vet looks at the man and says, ''I'm sorry, but the lab thinks
your dog is dead too.'' The man, finally resigned to the
diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet
answers, ''$650.'' ''$650 to tell me my dog is dead?'' exclaims
the man. ''Well,'' the vet replies, ''I would only have charged
you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for
the cat scan and lab tests.''
-------
SMOKING KILLS. AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST
A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE.
- Brooke Shields
THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE
INTENDED TO KEEP.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on ''Larry
King Live''
THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER.
THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER.
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968
Democratic convention
IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN
THEM ALL.
- Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS
COME FROM OVERSEAS.
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE
OF CHICAGO.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA. IT'S ONLY
THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE.
- Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS.
- Andrew Mathis
IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK.
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking
spaces
I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND
THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY
LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE
WITH THOSE PEOPLE.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT
THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the
company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary
pair of pliers
WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360
DEGREES.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT
OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS.
- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY
CHINESE.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle
THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE
KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE
ONE TO DO IT.
- A congressional candidate in Texas
THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY
EVER WERE BEFORE.
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE-SOONER OR LATER
IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY.
- Everett Dirksen
I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT
COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT
NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND
THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT
FOR THEMSELVES.
- John Wayne
HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE
ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND
WATER THAT ARE DOING IT.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY
CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND.
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Vietnam
IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR
BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM
UNDER YOUR FEET.
-Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN
PHOENIX.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
-------
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's
hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas
station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to
pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he
looks into the passenger window.
'Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you
remember me?' he asks.
They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple
leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and
looks over at Hillary.
'You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like
if you had married him,' he says smugly.
Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. The she replies, 'Well I
guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President.'
-------
Subject: Windows 2000
Redmond, Washington, USA January 20, 1999
Microsoft announced today that the official release date for
its new 'Windows 2000' operating system will be delayed
until the second quarter of 1901.
-------
Green Eggs and Hamlet
I ask to be, or not to be.
That is the thing, I ask of me.
This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
My unc' is boffing my dear mother.
Would I, could I take my life?
Could I, should I, end this strife?
Should I jump out of a plane?
Or lie down in front of a train?
Should I from a cliff just leap?
Could I put myself to sleep?
Shoot myself, or take some poison?
Maybe try some immolation?
To shudder off this mortal coil,
I could stab my self with foil,
Or slash my wrists while in the bath?
Would it help to end my wrath?
To sleep, to dream, aye, there's the rub.
I'd drop a toaster in my tub.
Would they be happy, with me dead?
Could I murder them instead?
These thoughts take much consideration,
I'm the prince of procrastination.
-------
Once upon a time, when Britain still ruled India, there were
three prisoners: a Hindu priest, a Muslim sailor, and a Sardarji
farmer. They were all tried and convicted of treason against the
queen. Their punishment: the firing squad. The next morning, the
priest was taken out to the squad. They tied him up.
Policeman: Ready!
Policeman: Aim!
Hindu Priest: Tiger!!!
And everyone ran for cover, but then they found out that there was no
tiger, so everyone ran back out, but not before the priest escaped.
The Policeman was furious. He called out the next prisoner: the
Muslim sailor. They stood him up against the wall. Seeing the
priest's trick, the sailor thought quickly.
Policeman: Squad Ready!
Policeman: Aim!
Moslem Sailor : Typhoon!!!
And everyone ran for cover though there was no typhoon, thus letting
the Sailor get away. Again the Policeman was angry. He brought out
the last prisoner: the Sardargi farmer. The Sardargi farmer already
knew what he was going to say.
Policeman: Ready!
Policeman: Aim!
Sardargi farmer: Fire!!!
And the firing squad shot and killed the Sardargi.
-------
A minister was walking through the woods and came face to face with a
huge bear. He fell down on his knees and prayed, ''Father, please
make this bear a Christian!'' While he was praying he heard a big
''Thud''. He opened his eyes to see the bear right in front of him on
his knees with his paws held together as if in prayer. The minister
let out a sigh of relief, and then he heard the bear say, ''Father,
bless this meal I am about to receive...''
-------
A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God
replied, ''A million years to me is just like a single second to
you.'' The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God
replied, ''A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to
you.'' Then the young man got his courage up and asked, ''God, could
I have one of your pennies?'' God smiled and replies, ''Certainly,
just a second.''
-------
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here
are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace
Company merge to become
Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to
become
Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become
MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become
Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge
to become
Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become
Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become
Mine, All Mine.
Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge
to be come
Knott NOW.
-------
You know it's time to join E-Mailers Anonymous when...
1.You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2.You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom.
3.You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4.You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap
and your child in the overhead compartment.
5.You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,
just for the free Internet access.
6.You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
7.You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8.You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period when using a
word processor.com
9.You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10.You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
11.You check your mail. It says ''no new messages.'' So you check
it again.
12.You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are,
because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to
ask.
13.You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you
landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at
http://www.middlesex.nj.usa.gov/edison/garden/1000/brickhouse.html
15.You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
16.After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to a friend.
-------
Four Desis were waiting on a Railway Platform for the ''Punjab
Mail''. As they were waiting there was an announcement that
passengers should kindly take note that the ''Punjab Mail'' will
leave after two hours. So the four of them decided to take a round,
have breakfast and come back, as they had 2 hours to spend.
After spending the 2 hours, when they reached the station they saw
the ''Punjab Mail'' just leaving the platform. So four of them
started running fast to catch the train. One of them was able to
catch the 6th boogie as he was a good runner; the other one got on to
the last boogie and the other two could not get on to the train. When
the two Desis who managed to get on to the train met each other, they
started laughing. They go on laughing ... laughing ....
and....laughing. Passengers besides are surprised to notice the
laughter. One of them asked ... ''Hey what's that ? Can you tell us
what is this laughter about?'' One of the Desis replied ''The two who
are actually supposed to travel are left behind. We were just to
accompany them till the Platform only''
-------
THE SEVEN BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
Really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please.... they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you moron!!!
Something else! Quick!!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish.
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if
you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will
be attacked by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a
pile of manure. It's true! Because, you know, THIS letter isn't like
all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!! Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be mad at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be mad at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.
*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be mad at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.
*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be mad at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.
*20 to 674, 951 people: 20 to 674, 951 people will be mad at you
for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a
starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no
legs, no head, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life
could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar
will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Headless
Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no
way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach
out, Send this to 5 people in the next 47seconds. Oh, and a reminder
- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, youwill die
instantly.
Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897.
This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and
probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters.
So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next
7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
Stupid Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on
Saturday. She had recently received this letter and
ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk,
fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a
flood of raw sewage, and went flying out over a
waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This
Could Happen To You!!!
Stupid Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his
mail and ignored it.Later that day, he was hit by a car
and so was his girlfriend. They both died.Their families
were so upset that anyone even remotely related to them
(even by marriage) went crazy and spent the rest of
their miserable lives in an institution. This Could
Happen To You!!!
Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did.
Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and
everything will be OK.
Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it
to every one of your friends.
Friends
-A friend is someone who is always at your side,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you
smell like a refuse from a rotting garbage dump
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you're
disgustingly ugly,
-A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've
soiled yourself,
-A friend is someone who stays with you all night while
you cry about your loser life,
-A friend is someone who pretends they like you when
they really think you should be attacked by a mad goat
and then thrown in a pile of manure,
-A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums
and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak
much English, no sorry that's the cleaning lady,
-A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters
because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be eaten by wild
goats.
Chain Letter Type 5:
This e-mail is wicked-cool! It was started by Microsoft
to test its e-mail tracking system because, you know, a
big high-tech company like Microsoft always sends important
new software out over the internet to be available to any
moron who can operate a computer, right? Plus, they have
formed a secret merger with Disney Corp., who has agreed
to give up millions of dollars in revenue by giving everyone
who reads this e-mail, passes it on, looks at it, knows
someone that looked at it, or is related to someone who
is a friend of someone who looks at it A FREE,
ALL-EXPENSES-PAID TRIP to Disneyland, DisneyWorld, or
EuroDisney! So pass this on to everyone you know that
is gullible enough to believe this (or not)! Even if it's
not true, hey - insulting all of your friends by implying
that they are gullible by sending this to them is worth the
improbable chance that you could go to Disneyland! Even
if you lose all of your friends because they are tired of
receiving this kind of junk from you, it's worth the chance,
right? And just for good measure, if you don't send this
on, Microsoft will send its specially trained attack-goats
to pilfer your house and eat all of your family, SO SEND IT
ON!!!!!
Chain Letter Type 6:
VIRUS WARNING!!!
If you receive an email entitled ''Badtimes,'' delete it
immediately.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not
only erase everything on your hard drive,but it will also delete
anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes
the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access
code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field
harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt toplay. It will re-
calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice
cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone
AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
And so on and so forth...
So be careful! Forward this to all of your friends, relatives,
neighbors, family, enemies, plumbers, garbagemen, stock brockers,
doctors, and any other acquaintances! It's for their own good!
Thank you.
Chain Letter Type 7:
Here is a cute picture I drew.
(\ /)
( \ / )
( \ / )
( /<>\ )
( / \/ \ )
/ \ __
( ) ( )
~~~~
It is a decapitated angel. Send it on to all of your friends so it
will brighten their day like it did yours! If you don't,
demon-possessed goats will move into your house and eat all of your
socks, leading you to believe that something is wrong with your
washing machine because all of your socks keep disappearing.
Have a nice day!!!
There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the seven main types of
chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any
popularity, send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all,
please don't bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone
you know!! If you don't, I don't care, but why not show this around?
Take two minutes and copy it and send it.
Thanks!
Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter,
ignore it. If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's
gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the goatless boy from
Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended
up in a waterfall of raw sewage) just delete it.
Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say,
DEATH TO CHAIN LETTERS!!
-------
EyroEnglish
The European Union commissioners have announced that
agreement has been reached to adopt English as the
preferred language for European communications, rather
than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and
has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known
as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, ''s'' will be used instead of the soft ''c''.
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also,
the hard ''c'' will be replaced with ''k''. Not only will this klear
up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year,
when the troublesome ''ph'' will be replaced by ''f''. This will
make words like ''fotograf'' 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan
be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the
removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent
to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of
silent ''e''s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing ''th'' by ''z'' and ''w'' by ''v''.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary ''o'' kan be dropd from
vords kontaining ''ou'', and similar changes vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
-------
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and
on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every
program in every system. We have analyzed all databases,
all data files, including backups and historic archives, and
modified all data to reflect the change We are proud to
report that we have completed the ''Y-to-K'' date change
mission, and have now implemented all changes to all
programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August,
September, October, November, December
As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak,
Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
We trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest,
none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to us.
But we understand it is a global problem, and our team is
glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year
2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you
think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls
over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.
-------
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the
job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did
it by killing all those who opposed them.
We put the 'k' in 'kwality.'
If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right
thing.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a
scapegoat.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the situation.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies
do all ay.
You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
-------
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery,
Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.
In a London, England, cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
December 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace.
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania,
cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco,
Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the
Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore.
Four slugs from a .44.
No Les No More.
In a Georgia cemetery:
''I told you I was sick!''
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig four feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery
Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her,
But nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont, has an
epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges
movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea,
London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.
Someone in Winslow, Maine, didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood.
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837,
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood.
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good;
We cannot praise
The other.
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod;
Pease shelled out and went to God.
Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see
If the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist,
All dressed up
And no place to go.
RIP
-------
TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her
head,=20 trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-=20 (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
- (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his
flock.
- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the
deal.=20 =B7
- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab
one=20 and carry her off to be your wife.
- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will
cost you.
- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in
marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work
another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first
place. That's right. Fourteen years of hard labor for a wife.
- Jacob=20 (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and
get his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll=20
definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.)
- Cain=20 (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, ''I
have seen a ... woman; now get her for me.'' If your parents question
your decision, simply say, ''Get her for me. She's the one for me.''
- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons,
though=3D). - David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a=20
good idea; it's the law.) - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or
Leviticus,=20 example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -
Solomon(1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
-------
Testing her hearing, a man goes to the doctor and complains that his
wife can't hear him.
''How bad is it?'' the doctor asks.
''I have no idea'', says the husband.
''Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say
something. If she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the
same thing. Keep moving closer and repeating the comment
until she does hear you. That way we'll have an idea of her
range of hearing loss.''
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen
chopping up vegetables for dinner.
From 20 feet: ''What are we having for dinner?'' No answer.
From 10 feet, same thing.
From 5 feet, same thing.
Finally he's standing right behind her ... ''What's for dinner?''
She turns around, looks at him and says ''For the FOURTH
time ... BEEF STEW!''
-------
''Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade.''
''Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done
anything yet?''
''Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.''
-------
''Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my
hands shaking!''
''Do you drink a lot?''
''Not really - I spill most of it!''
-------
A man speaks frantically into the phone, ''My wife is
pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!''
''Is this her first child?'' the doctor queries.
''No, you idiot!'' the man shouts. ''This is her husband!''
-------
Doctor : I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor : The lab called with your test results. They said you
have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be
WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
-------
Doctor : ''I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and
Alzheimer's''
Patient: ''Well, at least I don't have cancer.''
-------
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious
plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor
a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, ''This is
ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!.''
The plumber quietly answered, ''Neither did I when I was
a doctor.''
-------
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was ''acting
up'' during the morning worship hour. The parents did
their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew
but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked
the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on
his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the
foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation,
''Pray for me! Pray for me!''
-------
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer
''Dear Harold''. At this, dad interrupted and said,
''Wait a minute - how come you called God 'Harold'''?
The little boy looked up and said, ''That's what they
call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, ''Our
Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy Name.''
-------
And this particular four-year-old prayed: ''And forgive
us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash
in our baskets.''
-------
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a
loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother
was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after
church asked: ''Gary, whatever made you do such a
thing?'' Gary answered soberly: ''I asked God to teach
me to whistle... and He just then did!''
-------
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: ''Now
I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's
test, If I should die before I wake, that's one less
test I have to take.''
-------
A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night.
''Dear God, thank you for these pancakes...'' When he
concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for
pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and
said, ''I thought I'd see if He was paying attention
tonight.''
-------
A little boy's prayer: ''Dear God, please take care of
my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and
my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God.
If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big
mess.''
-------
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: ''So
your mother says your prayers for you each night Very
commendable. What does she say ?''
The little boy replied, ''Thank God he's in bed!''.
-------
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table,
she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said,
''Would you like to say the blessing?''. ''I wouldn't
know what to say,'' the little girl replied. ''Just say
what you hear Mommy say,'' the mother said. The little
girl bowed her head and said, ''Dear Lord, why on
earth did I invite all these people to dinner?''
-------
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room.
After a while he emerged and informed his mother that
he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
''Fine'', said the pleased mother. ''If you ask God to
help you not misbehave, He will help you.'' ''Oh, I
didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave,'' said Johnny.
''I asked Him to help you put up with me.''
-------
Al Gore and the Clinton's are flying on Air Force One.
Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, ''You know, I could
throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make
one person very happy.'' Al shrugs his stiff shoulders
and says, ''Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the
window and make 10 people very happy.'' Hillary tosses
her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, ''Of course, I
could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and
make a hundred people very happy.'' Chelsea rolls her
eyes, looks at all of them and says, ''I could throw all
of you out the window and make several million people
happy.''
-------
No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace.''
''Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!''
''Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.''
''Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!''
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands
holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed
and a headline that reads, ''For fast, fast, fast relief, take two
tablets.''
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big
sign with red letters that said, ''Open Sundays,'' the church
reciprocated with its own message: ''We are open on Sundays, too.''
''Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!''
A singing group called ''The Resurrection'' was scheduled to sing at
a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor
fixed the outside sign to read, ''The Resurrection is postponed.''
''People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water
before you know how strong they are.''
''God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.''
''Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!''
''When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.''
''Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.''
''Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.''
''How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Nonsmoking?''
''Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives'':
''Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and
the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.''
''It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.''
''Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.''
''If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.''
''If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.''
''Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain
eternal fire insurance soon.''
''This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?'' ---------> (U R)
''Forbidden fruit creates many jams.''
''In the dark? Follow the Son.''
''Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.''
''If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.''
-------
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with
fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned
them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked
it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from
a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
''Momma, look what I found,'' the boy called out.
''What have you got there, dear?'' his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered:
''I think it's Adam's suit!''
-------
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and
as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one
side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping
before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks,
a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother
and whispered, ''If he gets loose, will he hurt us?''
-------
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel
were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and
talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
''You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.''
''Why? Who's going to stop me?'' Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, ''See
those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.''
-------
Add to that the Sunday Jihad came home with the story of
Jesus and the leopards. Sounded too good to tell him that
he got it wrong.
-------
A football coach walked into the locker room before a
game, looked over to his star player and said, '' I'm
not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but
we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you
a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.''
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes
intently and asks, '' Okay, now concentrate hard and
tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?''
The player thought for a moment and then he answered,
''4?''
''Did you say 4?'' the coach exclaimed, excited that he
got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming,
''Come on coach, give him another chance!''
-------
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. ''I
don't understand,'' Cindy complained. ''When people find out I'm a lawyer, they
take an instant dislike to me. Why ould they do that?''
Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, ''Maybe it
just saves time.''
-------
A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being
one to ignore radition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie
actually appeared. ''For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you
three wishes,'' said the genie.
''But there's a catch,'' the genie continued. ''For each of your wishes,
every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for.''
First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of
him. ''Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris,'' said
the genie. ''What is your next wish?'' ''I could really use a million
dollars.'' replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his
feet.
''Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer,'' the genie
reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish. The man thought
for a minute and said, ''Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney.''
-------
First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person: Good!
-------
A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it
would look reat on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when
the proprietor insisted it was on-returnable. He said, ''It's been
returned twice already, and I don't want to see it again.'' Leaving the
store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several
more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and
side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass
rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats
follow into the depths.
The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying,
''Look, I told you there would be no returns.''
The man quickly replied, '' Oh no, that's fine. I was just wondering if you
had a brass lawyer.''
-------
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save
one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
-------
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in
cement?
A: Not enough cement.
-------
There was the time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a
lawyer's funeral.
''Here's a hundred,'' he said. ''Bury 10 of 'em.''
-------
Q: What's the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors,
that's known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that's a shame.
-------
Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.
-------
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, ''Martha, I'd like to ride in that
there airplane.'' And every year Martha would say, ''I know
Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten
dollars is ten dollars.''
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy
said, ''Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane
this year I may never get another chance.'' Martha replied,
''Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten
dollars is ten dollars.''
The pilot overheard them and said, ''Folks, I'll make you a
deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for
the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but
if you say one word it's ten dollars.''
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does
all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word
is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a
word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, ''By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you
didn't.'' Stumpy replied, ''Well, I was gonna say something
when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.''
-------
Polish Sausage
A Guy goes into the store and says to the clerk,
I would like one Polish Sausage.
The clerk looks at him and says ''Are you Polish?''
The guy says ''Well, yes I am. If I had asked for
Italian sausage would you ask me if was Italian??? or
if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if
I was German?? Or if I had asked for a taco would you
ask if I was Mexican?''
The clerk says ''Well, no.''
The guys says 'WELL, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just
because I ask for Polish sausage????''
The clerk says ''Because this is a hardware store.''
-------
Always There
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single
day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, ''You know what? You have
been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired,
you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side... You know
what?''
''What dear?'' she asks gently.
''I think you bring me bad luck.''
-------
Hit The Floor!!
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for
dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room.
But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. ''I'll be
right back and we'll go to eat,'' she told her husband and she
carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big... very
big... a very intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first
thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was:
Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But
racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood
and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed.
She hoped they didn't read her mind, but knew they surely did;
her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too
obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there,
so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and
stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the
elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and
faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and
then another second, and then another. Her fear increased!
The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My goodness, she
thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted.
Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said,
''Hit the floor.'' Instinct told her: Do what they tell you.
The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms
and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained
down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.
More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
''Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to,
we'll push the button.'' The one who said it had a little trouble
getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a
belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help herup. Confused, she struggled to
her feet. ''When I told my man here to hit the floor,'' said the
average sized one, ''I meant that he should hit the elevator
button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor,
ma'am.'' He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he
was having a hard time not laughing. She thought: My goodness,
what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to
speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her.
How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for
behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know
what to say.
The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and
refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor
they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little
unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make
it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good
evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them
roaring with laughter while they walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together
and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next
morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen
roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
bill. The card said: ''Thanks for the best laugh we've had
in years.'' It was signed:
Eddie Murphy and Michael Jordan
-------
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through
the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money >
his parents gave him.
''Hmmmm,'' he wonders, ''How am I gonna get more dough?''
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father. ''Dad,'' he says, ''you won't believe the
wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,
they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to
talk!''
''That's absolutely amazing!'' his father says. ''How do I get
him in that program?''
''Just send him down here with $1000,'' the boy says, ''I'll
get him into the course.'' So, his father sends the dog and
the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money
runs out. The boy calls his father again.
''So how's Fido doing, son?'' his father asks.
''Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm,'' he says, ''but you
just won't believe this - they've had such good results with
this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach
the animals to READ!''
''READ!?'' says his father, ''No kidding! What do I have to do
to get him in that program?''
''Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'' And his father
sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he
gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither
talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home,
his father is all excited. ''Where's Fido? I just can't wait to
hear him talk and listen to him read something!''
''Dad,'' the boy says, ''I have some grim news. This morning
when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room
kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like
he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is
your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who
lives on Oak Street?' ''
The father says, ''*%#@! !! I hope you SHOT that lyin'
#$@%!! ''
''I sure did, Dad!''
''That's my boy!''
-------
Mr. X is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and
he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody
stops him and asks ''kyon bhai, why are sitting on the tracks
with wine and chicken?''
Mr. X replies ''This train is always late, and I don't want to
starve to death.''
-------
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, ''Thou shalt cross the road.'' And the chicken
crossed the road,and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?
LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken
did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I
have never known any chickens.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why he crossed it, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMMINGWAY:
To die in the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens are free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and
that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chicken to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.
How manyy chickens have to cross the road
before you believe it.
MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
-------
One day the U.S.'s last 4 presidents were swept by a
tornado to the land of Oz. There after many dangers and
hardships they reached the Emerald city and presented
themselves before the wizard:
wizard:what do you want?
Jimmy Carter: I had a terrible time in Iran, so I
think I need some courage.
Wizard:Your wish is my command.
Reagan:Well, well,well,I need a brain.
Wizard:Your wish is granted.
Bush:People have told me I need a heart.
Wizard:Consider it done.
Now everybody was looking at Bill Clinton, who in turn
was looking around, finally:
Wizard:Well, what do you want?
Clinton:Is Dorothy around?
-------
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who
thinks you're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher
said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!'
-------
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?''
he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
-------
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying
attention in class. She called on him and said, ''Johnny!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?''
Little Johnny quickly replied, ''NBC, CBS, HBO and the
Cartoon network!''
-------
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny a child in
the kindergarten class, eemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as
though he were ill, and said, 'Johnny what is the matter?''
Little Johnny responded, 'I have a pain in my side. I think I'm
going have a wife.'
-------
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a
bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the
youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the
photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly
to capture him.'
Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you
took his picture?''
-------
HAIRCUTS
Women's version:
===============
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me
the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair
cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much
stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable.
And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that
would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that
except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck!
Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have
for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to
have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I
mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had
your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
============
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
-------
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little
lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground
to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my
Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
-------
New Training Guidelines
In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness
among the military services, Congress has approved
the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:
HAIRCUTS:
Marines-heads will be shaved.
Army-flat-tops for all recruits.
Navy-no haircut standard.
Air Force-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.
TRAINING HOURS:
Marines-rise at 0500, train until 2000.
Army-rise at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch til 1300,
train till 1600.
Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed,
lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.
MEALS:
Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army-one hot meal, 2 MRE's.
Navy-3 hot meals.
Air Force-catered meals prepared by the Galloping
Gourmet, Julia Child, and Wolfgang Puck. All you
can eat.
LEAVE and LIBERTY:
Marines-none.
Army-4 hours a week.
Navy-2 days a week.
Air Force-for every four hours of training,
recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.
PROTOCOL:
Marines-will address all officers as 'Sir' and refer to
the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to
them (i.e. SGT Smith).
Army-will address all officers as 'Sir', unless they are
friends, and will call all enlisted personnel
'sergeant.'
Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all
enlisted personnel as Chief.
Air Force-all Air Force personnel shall be on a
first name basis with all other personnel.
DECORATIONS/AWARDS:
Marines-medals & badges are awarded for acts of
gallantry & bravery.
Army-medals and badges are awarded for every
bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed,
and bed made.
Navy-will have ships' engineers make medals for
them as needed.
Air Force-will be issued all medals as they will
most likely be awarded them at some point early in their
careers.
CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:
Marines-work uniform, to be worn only during
training and in field situations.
Army-will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not
camouflage you on a ship. Captains will make every effort to
TRY to explain this to your sailors.
Air Force-will defeat the purpose of camouflage
by putting blue and gray service chevrons and name
tapes on them. They will also get newly designed
and personally tailored uniforms to replace the airline
pilot coats they have now.
CAREER FIELDS:
Marines-all Marines shall be considered riflemen
first and foremost.
Army-doesn't matter, all career fields promote
to E-8 in the first enlistment.
Navy-nobody knows. Navy still trying figure out
what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings
things are.
Air Force-every recruit will be trained in a
manner that will allow them to leave the Air Force early to go
on to higher paying civilian jobs.
-------
You know what the Pentagon is. That's a building
in Washington, D.C. that
has 5 sides- on almost every issue.
1rst Iroquis- Let's go on the warpath
2nd Iroquis- We can't, it's being paved
The vampire went for an airplane ride.
'Would yo ulike to the see the menu,
sir?' the stewardess asked.
'No, just the passenger list.'
The Afghanis claimed the Russians were using poison
gas on them. Maybe, but
more likely the wind just changed and blew the exhaust
from the Russian
army's kitchens their way.
Inscription on a headstone: here lies a lawyer and an
honest man.
A passerby remarked,'It's hard to believe there's room enough
for 2 people
in that grave.'
No wonder our country's having trouble with its allies. They're
all worried about Communism, nuclear war, starvation, and drought.
What are we worried about? Underarm odor!
To test the honesty of his trusted men, the king ordered
the same note to be sent to 20 of his highest nobles.
'All is discovered. Escape while you can.'
All 20 left town before the end of the day.
You want to get a lot of Christmas cards this year? Around
Thanksgiving, tell everyone about the chalet you just
bought in Aspen.
A too jovial bear of a man was running for mayor and strode
through a hall greeting everyone like a long-lost friend.
1 individual he clapped on the
back with a hearty, 'Surely, I've seen that face before.'
'Very likely, ' agreed the voter.'I've a guard
at the county jail for the past 30 years.'
On leaving a dull party, Groucho Marx commented to the
hostess,'I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.'
Dad-'When he was your age, Lincoln walked 7 miles to
school- each way.' Junior-'Yes, sir. And when he was your
age, he was the President of the United States
Mrs. Clare Boothe Luce, well known playwright and wife
of the late publisher of Time (magazine) became a Catholic
in middle life and had of course all
the enthusiasm of the convert. Under Pres. Eisenhowere,
she was sent to Italy as the US Ambassoder, and
while she was there, a reporter once spied
her in earnest conversation with the Pope. It occured
to him that the conversation between Pope and ambassoder
might have tremendous news value, and he drifted closer
in an attempt to overhear . He finally made it, and
the 1st words he heard were those of His Holiness,
saying in accented English. 'But you don't understand,
Mrs. Luce, I already am Catholic.'
Our pastor's sermons are like the peace of God.
They pass all understanding.
A wise old bishop in Virginia once urged a newly elected
Congressman to go out in a storm and cast his eyes
heavenward 'It will bring you a revelation to you,'
He predicted. The man did as bidden, and came back soaked to the
skin 'Look at me,' he wailed. 'I didn't get a revelation-
I only felt like a blithering idiot.' 'Not bad,' chuckled
the bishop, 'don't you think that was quite a revelation
for a first try?'
Getting inoculated with small doses of religion
prevents people from catching the real thing.
Did you hear about the man who was so stingy, that when
he found a box of Kleenexes© he made his wife sleep
without a blanket so that she would catch a cold.
Teacher- If I laid one egg here and another over there,
how many eggs will I have, Tommy?
Tommy- I really don't think you can do it, Teacher.
You say you don't go to services because ' the place is full
of hypocrites'?
Don't worry, there's always room for one more.
-------
A man was walking home alone late one night
when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out
the image of an upright coffin banging its way
down the middle of the street towards him
... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his
home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him
... faster...faster... BUMP...BUMP... BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys,
opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the
door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door,
with the lid of the coffin clapping . . .
... clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP
...clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...
on the heals of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks
himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is
reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the
door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something,
anything ... but all he can find is a box of
cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the coughdrops...
...and of course
...the coffin stops!
-------
in the front yard of a funeral home,
'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'
In a nonsmoking area,
'If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action.'
On a front door,
'Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.'
At an optometrist's office,
'If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place.'
At a car dealership,
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss
a car payment.'
Outside a muffler shop,
'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'
In a veterinarian's waiting room,
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
In a cafeteria,
'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks
can eat any place they want.'
-------
those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the
Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and
posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the
human gene pool by removing themselves from it.
GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after
he tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with
hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A.
Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and
hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car
was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the
trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said. Police say the
apparent cause of death was 'major trauma.' An autopsy is
scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming
Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire
some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their
launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several
hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly
enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen
for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the
air and were found dead 50 yards from their respective seats.
CATCH
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you
may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a
candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with
a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here.
The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was
hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he
qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from
Korea who was killed by his cell phone... more or less. He
was doing the usual 'walking and talking' when he walked
into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep
that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the
same time.
GIMME A LIGHT
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized
warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management
evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of
ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been
evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of
one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving
an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the
lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was
found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually
untouched by the explosion. The technician that was
suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought
of as 'bright' by his peers.
RUNNER UP..
A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult
position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African
Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg,
Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of
America's many marvels. He demonstrated the
effectiveness of 'Crazy Glue'... the hard way. Apparently,
Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the
adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in
the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the
buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo
for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has
been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby.
However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily
stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the
petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended
passenger. 'Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately.
She had been very constipated. We had just given her a
laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when
Mr.Demuth played his juvenile prank,' said James
Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were
destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small
animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy
goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth,
it took a team of medics and > zoo caretakers' to remove his
hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be
captured and calmed down. However, during this process
the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was
repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea.
'It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the
same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino
dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up
to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three
people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for
Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a
solvent to remove his hands from her rear,' said Douglass.
'I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while.'
Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also
were impressed with the power of the adhesive. 'I'm going to
buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to
the zoo,' commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
And finally, consider these hapless folks........
CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS
'For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a
patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning' a
spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South
Africa) told reporters. 'There was no apparent cause for any
of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning
system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed
to reveal any clues.' 'However, further inquiries have now
revealed the cause of these deaths... 'It seems that every
Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove
the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug
her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her
business. When she had finished her chores, she would
plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware
that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all,
hear the death rattle and eventually the solid beep over the
whirring of her polisher'. 'We are sorry, and have sent a
strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free
State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an
electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no
repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed.'
(CapeTimes)
-------
Here are the winning entries from a recent
contest for 'new scientific theories' sponsored
by Omni magazine.
=========================================
4th RunnerUp
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to
deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate
of spin increases when the arms are brought
in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may
cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
3rd RunnerUp
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
because they have no alphabet. The lack of an
alphabet means the Chinese cannot use acronyms;
thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a
faster rate.
2nd RunnerUp
The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn
to equalize the pressure in your eardrums. This
pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances
other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to
even it all out.
1st RunnerUp
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an
infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite
number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number
of highway signs, they will eventually produce
all the world's great literary works in Braille.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language
is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted
in one geographic area, they turn up in another.
When a Bostonian 'pahks' his 'cah', the lost r's
migrate southwest, causing a Texan to 'warsh'
his car and invest in 'erl wells.'
THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER:
When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its
feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands
with the buttered side down. Therefore, I propose
to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When
dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above
the ground, probably into eternity. A 'buttered-cat
array' could replace pneumatic tires on cars and
trucks, and 'giant buttered-cat arrays' could easily
allow a high-speed monorail to link New York with
Chicago.
-------
The Pope and the Queen of England are addressing a joint
Anglican/Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish
accords. The crowd is huge. Her Majesty and His Holiness
cannot help but feel a little rivalry--both being heads of
states and churches and all.
The Queen said to the Pope, 'Did you know that, with just
one little wave of my hand, I can make every English person
in the crowd go wild?'
The Pope looked doubtful, so she showed him. Sure
enough, the royal-gloved wave elicited rapture and cheering
from every English man, woman, and child in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsided.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a
worse frock and hat than he, considered thoughtfully and
then said to the Queen, 'Your Majesty, that was
impressive. But did you know that, with one little wave of
MY hand, I can make every Irish person in the crowd go
crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display
like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts,
and they will speak forever of this day to their grandchildren
and they to their descendants.'
The Queen seriously doubted this, and said so to the Pope.
'One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice
forever? Show me.'
So, the Pope slapped her.
-------
: Breaking news!
Although some of the stores have already beaten me to the
punch, I wanted to distribute this breaking news prior to the
start of the Holiday Season.....
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and
acquisitions, It was announced today at a press conference
that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source
said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300
years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed
that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas
and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for
both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be
able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the
Fifteen Days of Christukah, as the new holiday is being
called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and
maids a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on
the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin,
thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also,
instead of translating to 'A great miracle happened there,'
the message on the dreydl will be the more generic
'Miraculous stuff happens.' In exchange, it is believed that
Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast
merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points that had been holding up the
agreement for at least three hundred years was the question
of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for
Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A
breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally
declared to be Kosher. All sides appear happy about the
merger.
A spokesman for Christukah, Inc., then closed the press
conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of
'Oy, Come All Ye Faithful.'
-------
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing
why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was
responsible.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to
reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with
clean hands.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their
idea generator running.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to
the couch potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops
something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up
over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive
Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children
and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends
in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being
stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been
rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away
from extensive use.
TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a
vacation from their jobs. 'We had three serious students in
the class; the rest were just tourists.'
TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other
printed material.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies
from one's workplace.
ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically
proficient person in an office or work group.
CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software.
'Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips
or your salsa.
-------
So you think you are having a bad day||| (This was an article
in the CALIFORNIA EXAMINER, March 20, 1998): Fire
Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section
of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire.
The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete
with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem
examination revealed that the person died not from burns but
from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a
positive identification. Investigators then set about
determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a
forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the
person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles
away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the
fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters
with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the
ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and
emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making
like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a
breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently,
he extinguished exactly 5'10' of the fire. Some days it just
doesn't pay to get out of bed.
HAVING A BAD DAY? THINK AGAIN.
So you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken
from a Florida newspaper: A man was working on his
motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the
kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle
and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man,
still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass
patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the
floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into
the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor,
cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the
patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and
summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly
large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps
to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After
the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the
hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it
outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife
obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and
threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at
the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving
home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage
done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into
the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs
into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in
the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her
husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown
away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back
of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone
and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew
was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The
paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began
carrying him to the street. While they were going down the
stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the
paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned
himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing
so hard, one of them tripped the stretcher and dumped the
husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his
arm. Now THAT is a bad day...
FEELING BETTER NOW? Have a nice day!
-------
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't
they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges
us more of what they already know we don't have any of?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and
you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia,
would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in
'anagram'?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it; but when I wind up
a project, I end it?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a
whack?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
'I am.' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that 'I Do.' is the longest sentence?
If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese
person be called a Portugoose?
Why is a procrastinator's work never done?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion
stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you
a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather
because it's much easier to harass rich women than
motorcycle gangs?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?
f people from Poland are called 'Poles,' why aren't people
from Holland called 'Holes?'
-------
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
'You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
she should keep the chips and dip coming.' Alan, age 10
'No person really decides before they grow up who they're
going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to
find out later who you're stuck with.' Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
'Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then.' Camille, age 10
'No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.' Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE
MARRIED?
'Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.'
Eddie, 6
'You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to
be yelling at the same kids.' Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN
COMMON?
'Both don't want no more kids.' Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
'Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to
get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if
you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.
'On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second
date.' Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS
TURNING SOUR?
'I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the
dead columns.' Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
'When they're rich.' Pam, age 7
'The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that.' Curt, age 7
'The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you
should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right
thing to do.' Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
'It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.' Anita, 9
'Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to
change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just
phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee
and diaper- changing.' Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE
DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
'There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?'
Kelvin, age 8
'You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come
chasing after us just the same as they do now.' Roberta,
age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
'Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck.' Ricky, age 10
-------
Power of Prayer
A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town.
When the children returned to school a few days later,
one grade school teacher asked her students whether
they had used the time away from school constructively.
''I sure did, teacher,'' one little girl replied. ''I
just prayed for more snow.''
-------
E-mail To Home
An Illinois man left Chicago for a vacation in
Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to
meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife
a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to
type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was
directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose
husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took
one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream,
and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw
this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your
arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S: Sure is hot down here.
-------
Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood
up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured
he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he
decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived
at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When
he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he
quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon
as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing
over him, shouting, ''So, you've been out drinking again!!''
''What makes you say that?'' he asked, putting on an
innocent look.
She replied, ''The pub called-you left your wheelchair
there again.''
-------
For the benefit of every Tom,Tammy, Dick and Harry visiting
India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a
few hints for survival.
They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar,
where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian
road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where
you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance
company.
The hints are as follows:
Do we drive on the left or right of the road?
The answer is 'both'. Basically you start on the left
of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case,
go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by
occupying the next available gap, as in chess.
Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and
proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and o
ccasional fatality.
Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles
in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or
underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in
reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better
position.
Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool
wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being
bumped in the back.
Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when
traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because
some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade
across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some
countries. We horn to express joy, resentment,frustration,
romance or to just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of
the bazaar.
Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read
them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's
motorcade, or waiting for the rainwaters to recede when
overground traffic meets underground drainage.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience
(for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). In a way,
it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know
who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature
dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed
record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field
adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do
not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your
lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck
is the driver, and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at
the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little
more than a naught.
Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed
to kill.Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light
about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike,
but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually
the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too
close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.
Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the
drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for
the absent signals; they are a greater threat.) You will often
observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will
project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely
not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving
is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day.
Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with
blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from
within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy
pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck
speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting
with success.
-------
95 Ways To Phone In Pizza
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while
ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, 'Remember, we never had
this conversation.'
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the
other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim 'Oh, just surprise me!'
and hang up.
8. Always Say 'why' every time they ask a question.
9. Answer their questions with questions.
10. Order it in Pig Latin.
12. Lisp
13. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
14. Sing the order to the tune of Mary had a Little Lamb.
15. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
16. Repeat your last word like a broken record.
17. Stutter on the letter 'p.'
18. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If
phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
19. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
20. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
21. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then
behave as if they called you.
22. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they
ask if you would like drinks with that,
panic and become disoriented.
23. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to
cheer you up.
24. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
25. Change your accent every three seconds.
26. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern
as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if
they need paper.
27. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere.
28. When they answer the phone, start ordering then in
the middle, cut yourself off and start yelling, 'Help!'
29. Start your order with 'I'd like. . . '. A little later,
slap yourself and say 'No, I don't.'
30. If they repeat the order to make sure they
have it right, say 'OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull
up to the first window.'
31. Ask to Rent a pizza.
32. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
33. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say
yes, heave a sigh of relief.
34. Put the accent on the last syllable of 'pepperoni.'
Use the long 'i' sound.
35. Have your pizza 'shaken, not stirred.'
36. Say 'Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they
say yes, say 'Well, so is this! You've got
some explaining to do!' When they finally offer proof
that it is, in fact (Pizza Place), start to cry
and ask, 'Do you know what it's like to be lied to?'
37. Ask Them if the pizza is cholestroel free, fat free,
sodium free, and a whole bunch of other stuff like that
38. Sing the Barney Song
39. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your
lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk
the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top
of your lungs.
40. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza
is, in fact, dead.
41. Imitate the order taker's voice.
42. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
42. When they say 'would you like any thing else?' Order
the same thing 10 times
43. Play a Loud Music in the background, and then when
they say could you turn down your
music say it is your neighbor then scream directly into
the phone 'If you dont turn down that
stinking music, tonight will be you last night' then turn
the music up louder.
44. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate
if the deliverer hid behind some furniture
waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
45. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about
country music.
46. Ask to see a menu.
47. Quote Carl Sandberg.
48. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie
people call back.
49. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
50 Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
51. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your
dog it should be ashamed.
52. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
53. Ask them trigonometry questions.
54. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself,
and say 'Where was I? Who are you?'
55. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them,
and ask again.
56. Order two toppings, then say, 'No, they'll start fighting.'
57. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie.
Ask that these be included in the pizza.
58. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you
were drunk and didn't mean it.
59. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to
tell his supervisor he's fired.
60. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
61. When they ask waht you want, tell them you want a
cutodian.
62. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
63. Try to talk while drinking something.
64. Start the conversation with 'My Call to (Pizza Place),
65. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
66. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
67. Be vague in your order.
68. When they repeat your order, say 'Again, with a little
more OOMPH this time.'
69. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds
throughout the order.
70. After ordering, say 'I wonder what THIS button on the
phone does.' Simulate a cutoff.
71. Start the conversation by reciting today's
date and saying, 'This may be my last entry.'
72. Ask them to repeat what the said. Then ask them
to repeat it again, and again.
73. Ask if they're familiar with the term 'spanking a
pizza.' Make up a description to go with the
term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
74. Ask them if it's raining in France.
75. Tell them you just saw Elvis.
76. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another
pizza.
77. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking
at regular intervals to play it.
78. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest
an even trade.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on
all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, 'There's a bomb under your seat.' When
asked to repeat that, say 'I said 'sauce
smothered with meat'.'
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make
the last thing you say 'No mushrooms,
please.' Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it
is repeated again, change it again. On
the third time, say 'You just don't get it, do you?'
84. When you're given the price, say 'Ooooooo, that sounds
complicated. I hate math.'
85. Order a one-inch pizza.
86. Order term life insurance.
87. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
88. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
89. Engage in some serious swapping.
90. Dance all around the word 'pizza.' Avoid saying it at
all costs. If he/she says it, say 'Please don't mention that
word.'
91. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly
in the background. Yell 'OW!' when
a bullet is fired.
92. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she
is punishing you.
93. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
94. Order a steamed pizza.
95. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the
hour to say, 'This is your (time of day) wake-up
call, So-and-so.' Hang up.
-------
TOP TWENTY THINGS TO DO WHILE IN A DRIVE THRU
1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and
let your passenger order
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order
something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee
this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll
down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at
night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood
you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you
are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they
come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain
that you did not like the way the employee said 'May I take
your order?'
12. When asked if they can take your order say 'No,
why can I take yours?'
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing
it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance
in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a
line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back
with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food.
Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
-------
The Zoo
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and
attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately,
as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him
and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most
popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper
fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers
the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get
another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit
and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that
it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make
fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did
as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and
he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that
the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage
next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition,
and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this
makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the
mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting
the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going
up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the
furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The
lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so
scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the
lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,
'Help, Help me!', but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime
soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry
lion and the lion says,
'Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?'
-------
The future tense of the verb 'to marry' is divorce.
The future tense of diseased is deceased.
Q. What should you do for hives?
A. Nothing they are your enemies.
Grammar is what the teachers learn us.
A vowel is something two people take before they marry.
A paradox is what is what adults tell. When a kid does
it, it's called a big lie.
A which is a pronoun exept on hollaween.
Past Tense means you used to be nervous.
A quarum means enough people are there to start a
quorrel.
One of the first laws passed by Congress was the law of
gravity, which was a reminder not to go flying around
without an airplane.
-------
A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be
dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could
think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial,
he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about
to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
''Your Honor,'' he said, ''I must be excused from this trial
because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one
look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and
that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!
'So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!''
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, ''Get back in the
jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer.''
-------
he Volunteer Firemen
A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county
fire department was called to put the fire out. The fire
was more than the county fire department could handle.
Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfit
would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.
They rumbled straight towards the fire and stopped in
the middle of the flames. The firemen jumped off the truck
and frantically started spraying water in all directions.
Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking
the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the
volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful
that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot
he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain
what the department planned to do with the funds.
''That oughta be obvious,'' he responded, wiping ashes
off his coat. ''The first thing we're gonna do is get the
brakes fixed on that darn fire truck!''
-------
How's Mrs. Kirkland?
Worried because they hadn’t heard anything for days from
the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said
to her son, ''Timmy, would you go next door and see how
old Mrs. Kirkland is?'' A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
''Well,'' asked Mrs. Silver, ''is she all right?''
''She’s fine, except that now she’s angry with you.''
''At me?'' the woman exlaimed. ''Whatever for?''
''She said 'It’s none of your business how old she is.'''
-------
No God Needed?
One day a group of scientists got together and decided
that humans had come a long way and no longer needed God. So
they picked one scientist to go and tell God so.
The scientist walked up to God and said, ''God, we've
decided that we no longer need you; We're to the point
that we can clone people and do many miraculous things,
so why don't You just go on and get lost.''
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man.
After the scientist was done talking, God said, ''Very
well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest.''
To which the scientist replied, ''Okay, great!''
''But,'' God added, ''we're going to do this just like I
did back in the old days with Adam. ''The scientist said,
''Sure, no problem'' and bent down and grabbed himself a
handful of dirt. God looked at him and said,
''No, no, no. You go get your own dirt.''
-------
The Verdict
The DA stared at the jury, unable to believe its
verdict. Bitterly he asked, ''What possible excuse
could you have for acquitting this man?''
The foreman for the jury answered, ''Insanity.''
The attorney said, ''All twelve of you?''
-------
Fast Flight
Two men sitting side by side in a 747 plane started to
talk. One explained he had never flown before.
They left the airport in New York City headed for Los
Angeles, California. They landed in Chicago, where
upon a little red truck pulled up and refueled the
plane. They again landed to refuel in Denver. A little
red truck pulled up to the plane and refueled it.
As they were about to land at their destination the
veteran flier pointed out to the novice what great
time they had made. The novice said, ''Yes they had
made good time, but that little red wagon
wasn't doing bad either''.
-------
Train Service
A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slow.
Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees
a conductor walking by outside. ''What's going on?'' she
yells out the window. ''Cow on the track!'' replies the
conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walking by again.
She leans out the window and yells, ''What happened? Did
we catch up with the cow again?''
-------
Math Class
A college math professor(Hi Mr. Twizzler) could not help
but notice that one of his students was late
to class for the third time that week. Before class
ended he went around the room asking students some
questions about the day's lecture. Of course,
he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
''Why does E = mc^2?'' the professor asked.
''I don't know,'' the student said.
''Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Winters, you would know,''
said the professor.
''That's not true,'' the student replied.
''I never pay attention!''
-------
Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charlie Chaplin
look-alike contest in Monte Carlo--and came in third.
-------
A businessman well known for his ruthlessness once
announced to writer Mark Twain, ''Before I die I mean
to make a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. I will
climb Mount Sinai and read the 10 Commandments
aloud at the top.'' ''I have a better idea,''
replied Twain. ''You could stay in Boston and
keep them.''
-------
A freshman at a high school won the Greater Idaho
Falls Science
Fair for his experiment demonstrating people?s
gullibility. He was
attempting to show how conditioned we have become to
alarmists
practicing junk science and spreading fear of
everything in our environment.
In his project, the student asked people to sign a
petition demanding strict
control or total elimination of the chemical ''
dihyrogen monoxide'' for the
following good reasons:
1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting.
2. It is a major component in acid rain.
3. It can cause sever burns in its gaseous state.
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you.
5. It contributes to erosion.
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer
patients.
He asked 50 people if they support a ban of the
chemical:
- 43 said yes - 6 were undecided - 1 knew that the
chemical was water
-------
Things you learn from movies
1. Large, loft style apartments in New York City are well
within the price range of most people whether they are
employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which
wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override
the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in
your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a
world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally
gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving
fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and
man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least
20 minutes to escape.
10. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of
French bread.
11. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
12. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while
scuba diving.
13. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war
unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture
of your sweetheart back home.
14. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or
Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the
language. A German or Russian accent will do.
15. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
16. A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to
clean his wounds.
17. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be
thrown through it before long.
18. Word processors never display a cursor on screen
but will always say: Enter Password Now.
19. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to
right every few moments.
20. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going
to go off.
21. A detective can only solve a case once he has been
suspended from duty.
22. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone
you meet will know all the steps.
23. Police departments give their officers personality tests
to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
their total opposite.
24. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer
to speak to each other in English.
-------
Quotes from Bill Gates:
BILL GATES' BOOK
For high school and college graduates, here is a list of 11 things they did
not learn in school. In his book, Bill Gates talks about how feel-good,
politically-correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept
of reality and how this concept set them up for failure.
RULE 1: Life is not fair; get used to it.
RULE 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect
you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high
school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn
both.
RULE 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He
doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had
a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
RULE 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about
your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are
now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the
rainforest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing
the closet in your own room.
RULE 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life
has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give
you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear
the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and
very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on
your own time.
RULE 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to
leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
The answer to the eternal question ''Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?''
Consider the following: Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game.
That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.
With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.
So:
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of
sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550
while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a
whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30
a.m.
on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics.
He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past
presidents for all of their terms combined.
But consider that if Michael Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next
250 years, he will still have less money than Bill Gates has today.
Game over.
Nerd wins.
-------
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So he says, ''Ms. Whack,
I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.''
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit
Jagger,
his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that
he will need some collateral to secure the loan. She asks if he has anything
he can use as collateral.
The frog says, ''Sure. I have this,'' and produces a tiny pink
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall.
Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: ''There's a frog named Kermit Jagger
out there
who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to
use this as collateral.'' She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
''I mean, what the heck is this?''
(Are you ready for this............. ???)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
The bank manager looks back at her and says:
''It's a knick knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone.''
-------
This is CREEPY! Try it.
Seriously, you need to do this!
It only takes about 30 seconds. Don't cheat!
Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as
you scroll down.
Keep going!
Don't stop.....
Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Keep goin'
Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last
letter in that animal.
Say it out loud as you scroll down.
Almost there....
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of
the hand you are not using to scroll down.
Take the hand you counted with, smack yourself
in the head, get back to work, and quit playing stupid
e-mail games!
Don't tell the secret to others, send them this e-mail!
Smile have a great day
-------
Why Engineers Don't Write Cookbooks
-----------------------------------
Chocolate Chip Cookies
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow
triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian
albumen-coated protein ovoids
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10.) 236 cm3
de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1)
with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about
100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three
with constant agitation.
In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow
impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four,
five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.
To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by
three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in
reactor #1.
Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly,
with constant agitation. Care must be taken at
this point in the reaction to control any temperature
rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer,
place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet
(300 x 600 mm).
Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in
agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression
(see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.
Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a
25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to
equilibrium.
-------
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's
that cold winter evening. They looked out of place
amid the young families and young couples eating there
that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly
at them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking:
''Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot
together, probably for 60 years or more!''
The little old man walked right up to the cash
register, placed his order with no hesitation and then
paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the
back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There
was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and
carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front
of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries,
divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of
his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger,
the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they
were thinking: ''That poor old couple. All they can afford
is one meal for the two of them.'' As the man began to eat
his french fries one young man stood and came over to the
old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another
meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that
they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady
hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat
and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the
young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something
to eat. Tha man again explained that no, they were used to sharing
everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly
with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came
over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely
refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady: ''Ma'am,
why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it
that you are waiting for?''
She answered, ''The teeth.''
-------
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car --both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went
on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ''I
must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red
light,''
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and
the light was red again and again they went right though. This
time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention
to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red and they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said,
''M-ildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights
in a row! You could have killed us! ''
Mildred turned to her and said ''Oh #@**#! ! Am I driving?''
-------
Optimist: It's Half Sunny!
Pessimist: Actaully, it's half Cloudy.
Optimist: I know more than i did ten years ago!
Pessimist: There's still lots of stuff I dont know.
Optimist: Nintendo is based in Redmond, WA!
Pessimist: Everyone knows Microsoft is based in Redmond.
-------
An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3
times successively by the same bandit. ''Did you notice anything special about
the man?'' asks the agent. ''Yes,'' replies the teller. ''He was better dressed each
time.''
-------
A sloth is out for a walk when he's mugged by four snails.
After recovering his wits, he goes to make a police report.
''Can you describe the snails?'' asks the officer.
''Oh, it all happened so fast,'' replies the sloth.
-------
Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race? It ended in a tie.
-------
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to
the bar and announces: ''I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw.''
-------
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we
don't serve food here.''
-------
A sailor chats up a pirate at a waterfront bar and they proceed to swap stories.
The sailor notes the pirate's peg leg, eye patch and hook.
''So tell me,'' asks the sailor, ''how did you come to lose that leg?''
''Arrgh,'' says the pirate, '''Twas a black squall swept me overboard. Whilst in
the water, a shark snapped me leg off and I've had this peg leg ever since..''
''Wow!'' says the sailor. ''And how'd you get the hook?''
''We was fighting at close quarters,'' says the pirate. ''Some scurvy dog with a
cutlass hacked me hand off and I've had this hook ever since.''
''Amazing!'' says the sailor. ''And what about the eye patch?''
''Arrgh,'' says the pirate. '''Twas a seagull pooped in me eye.''
''A seagull?'' asks the sailor, a bit incredulous.
''Well, I should explain,'' says the pirate. '''Twas me first day with the new
hook.''
-------
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and green?
Three zebras fighting over a pickle.
-------
What's the last thing George Washington said before crossing the Delaware?
''Okay, who knows how to row?''
-------
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, ''So why the long face?''
-------
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and
intelligence.
''Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?''
''I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone,'' Green replies, lowering his voice
so the other shoppers won't hear. ''But since you're a good and faithful
customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be
positively brilliant.''
''You sell them here?'' the customer asks.
''Only $4 apiece,'' says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that
the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
''You didn't eat enough, '' says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish
heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
''Hey, Green,'' he says, ''You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can
buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!''
''You see?'' says Green. ''You're smarter already.''
-------
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, ''You're quite a celebrity
around here. We've even got a drink named after you.'' The grasshopper says,
''You've got a drink named Steve?''
-------
Why is Turtle Wax so expensive?
Because turtles have such tiny ears.
-------
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
-------
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, ''Gimme a beer... and a mop.''
-------
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, ''What
is this? Some kind of joke?''
-------
On Dentyne they used to put directions...It used to say, ''Put one or two
pieces into your mouth and chew''. (I'm thinking if you need directions
to chew gum, you have bigger problems to worry about than your breath.)
On a Sears' hairdryer: ''Do not use while sleeping.''
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: ''You could be a winner! No Purchase necessary.
Details inside.'' (The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: ''Directions: Use like regular soap.'' (And that
would be how...?)
On Swanson frozen dinners: ''Serving suggestion: Defrost.'' (But it's
only a suggestion)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of the box) 'Do not
turn upside down.'' (Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
'' (As night follows day...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: ''Do not iron clothes on body.''
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
On Boot's (British drugstore chain) Children's Cough Medicine: ''Do not
drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.''
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: ''Warning: May cause drowsiness.''
(Well, duh, I would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: ''For indoor or outdoor use only.''
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: ''Not to be used for the other use.''
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: ''Warning: Contains nuts.''
(Talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions:
Open packet, eat nuts.'' (Step 3: Fly Delta)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly.''
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
-------
The Boy With Long Hair
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of
the car. His father said to him, ''I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get
your hair cut; then we'll talk about it.''
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if
he could use the car. His father said, ''Son, I'm really proud
of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well,
but you didn't get your hair cut!''
The young man waited a moment and then replied, ''You know dad,
I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had
long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.''
His father replied, ''Yes son, and they walked everywhere they
went.''
-------
You may have noticed that there was an empty seat, center court, during the last
Bull's playoff game.
One of the center court ticket holders commented to the man next to the empty
seat ''With the game sold out isn't it a shame someone isn't using that seat.''
He replayed ''It was my wife's seat. We've had these tickets for the past ten
years. She died recently.''
''That's too bad. But, couldn't a friend or a family member have used the
ticket?''
''No one was available, they were all busy.''
''They're all busy?''
''Yes, they're all at my wife's funeral.''
-------
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while
his parents went to town shopping. He decided to
go fishing so he took her with him.
''I'll never do that again!'' he told his mother
that evening. ''I didn't catch a thing!''
''Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and
not scare the fish away,'' his mother said.
The boy said, ''It wasn't that. She ate all the
bait.''
-------
Murphy's First Law For Wives: If you ask your husband
to pick up five items at the store and then you add one
more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the
first five.
* Kauffman's Paradox Of The Corporation: The less
important you are to the corporation, the more your
tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large
enough to bump you into the next tax bracket and
just small enough to have no effect on your
take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything,
except what happens.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only
cross-references.
* Isaac's Strange Rule Of Staleness: Any food that starts
out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out
soft will harden when stale.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat
on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom
of the grocery bag.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late,
you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will
meet the boss in the parking lot.
-------
A man stranded on a deserted island for many years
was rescued. The captain of the ship that found him was
amazed at all the things he had built for himself to make
life easy. The captain was puzzled though, by the three huts
that the man had built.
''What are those three huts over there?'' , he asked.
''Well, one is where I live and one is my church'', the man answered.
''Ah, I see", said the captain, ''and the third hut?''
''Oh, that is the church I used to go to.''
-------
GOD'S INTER-OFFICE MEMO
From: God
To: All those who believe in me
Subject: Life's problems
Good morning. I am God. Today I will be
handling all of your problems.
Please remember that I do not need your help.
If the devil happens to deliver a situation to
you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to
resolve it. Kindly put it in the S4J2D (something
for Jesus to do) box. It will be addressed in
MY time, not yours. Once the matter is placed
into the box, do not hold on to it or remove it.
Holding on or removal will delay the resolution
to your problem. If it is a situation that you
think you are capable of handling, please
consult me in prayer to be sure that it is the
proper resolution. Because I do not sleep
nor do I slumber, there is no need for you
to lose any sleep. Rest my child.
If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer
away.
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Q: Why did 19 morons go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!!
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The Story of Noah
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he
would preach on Noah and
the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the
scriptural reference for the
congregation to read ahead of time.
A couple of boys noticed something interesting
about the placement of the
story in the Bible. They slipped into the
church and glued two pages of
the pulpit Bible together.
The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read
his text. ''Noah took unto
himself a wife,'' he began, ''and she was'' - he
turned the page to continue
- ''three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and
thirty high.''
He paused, scratched his head, turned the page
back, read it silently, and
turned the page again. Then he looked up at his
congregation and said,
''I've been reading this old Bible for near
fifty years, but there are some
things in it that are hard to believe.''
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Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the
corner with a box.
Curious he runs over to the child and says, ''What's in the box
kid?'' to which the little boy says, ''Kittens, they're brand new
kittens.''
Al Gore laughs and says, ''What kind of kittens are they?''
''Democrats,'' the child says.
''Oh that's cute,'' Al Gore says and he runs off.
A couple of days later Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill
Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
Al Gore says to Bill, ''You gotta check this out'' and they both jog
over to the boy with the box.
Al Gore says, ''Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those
little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens
they are.''
The boy replies, ''They're Republicans.''
''Whoa!'', Al Gore says, ''I came by here the other day and you said
they were Democrats. What's up?''
''Well,'' the kid says, ''Their eyes are open now.''
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Seeing Eye Pilot
Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed
in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using
a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle
with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the
men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that
this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane
moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows
realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the
airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off,
that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin.
But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,
''You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream
too late, and we're all gonna die.''
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A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling
it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem
to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, ''There is a
possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.'' ''That
doesn't matter,'' replied the blonde, ''if I only can sell the car.''
''Okay,'' said the brunette. ''Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns
a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your
car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car
anymore.''
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one
month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, ''Did you sell your car?''
''No,'' replied the blonde, ''why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.''
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So there's this moron out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
moron on the opposite bank. ''Yoohoo" she shouts, ''how can I get to the other
side?"
The second moron looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,
''You are on the other side.''
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NOT ONE, BUT TWO BLONDES: Two blondes were walking through the woods and
came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The
other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when
the train hit 'em.
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Bull's fan
You may have noticed that there was an empty seat, center court,
during the last Bull's playoff game.
One of the center court ticket holders commented to the man
next to the empty seat ''With the game sold out isn't it a shame
someone isn't using that seat.''
He replayed ''It was my wife's seat. We've had these tickets
for the past ten years. She died recently.''
''That's too bad. But, couldn't a friend or a family member
have used the ticket?''
''No one was available, they were all busy.''
''They're all busy?''
''Yes, they're all at my wife's funeral.''
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A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks
up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on.
A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed
the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted
today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and
the butcher said, ''How many pounds?'' The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a
package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, ''Anything else?''
The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, ''How many?'' The dog
barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the
purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two
packages of meat around the dog's neck.
The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked
for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the
door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner,
''That's a really smart dog you have there.''
The owner said, ''He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this
week he forgot his key.''
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