BON VOYEUR !!!

By Donald B. Ardell, Ph.D.

    In 20 years, my "ministrations for wellness" have taken me on many unusual
and adventuresome journeys. Yes, preaching to the choir of true believers and a few worseness infidels has been a blessed calling of amazing delights. I have, for
example, saved souls for wellness for months at a time at a world famous ski
resort in Utah (Snowbird) and on a riverboat cruise with Mark Twain (played by
Bill Linn) from St. Louis to Hannibel, proselytized for wellness on multiple
junkets around Australia with Crocodile Donovan, moved the masses to come
forward and declare for lifestyle righteousness during annual wellness
festivals in Stevens Point and conducted at least 500 one-man whole-person
fitness revivals in cities and towns throughout America and Canada, plus a bit
of preaching in Guam, Malaysia, Norway and New Zealand. Yes, it's been an
exciting ministry, but it got even more stimulating a short time ago when I
accepted an invitation to bare my soul, so to speak, by ministering to 900
nudists on a luxury cruise! Yes, I went on a nude cruise. I figured, "Hey, what
have I got to be ashamed of?" I couldn't think of anything. (No wise cracks,
please.)

    We departed Miami and made eight-hour stops in Nassau, Jamaica and Grand Cayman Islands over the course of a seven-day journey. Most of the time, obviously, was spent at sea, which suited me fine--most of the islands in this area are impoverished tropical backwaters devoted to the sale of t-shirts. They are also
overpriced and undercultured, way too hot, plagued by crime, polluted and
tacky--and they have too many tourists, not to mention natives. But, let's get
back to the cruise.

    This cruise was pretty much the same as any other (I've been on four), except
that people were naked nearly all the time! It may sound preposterous to you
but trust me on this:  You get used to it. (Before long, you stop fretting
about what not to wear today.) However, prior to reflections on nudists and,
most important, their reactions to my wellness talks (that is what you want to
read about, isn't it?), I should review the similarities to other cruises.

These included:

    Great food and service at breakfast/lunch and dinner with three banquets
between each of the main sumptuous feasts. All meals were distinguished not
just by fabulous tastes but also by wild consumption excesses by cruise patrons
of total calories and particularly calories from the four food groups (fat,
alcohol, caffeine and sugar). Of course, nobody was forced to consume
recklessly; anyone disciplined enough to stick with fruits and veggies, mineral
water and vitamin pills was free to do so. If anyone like this were on board, I
didn't spot her. However, it was rumored that many nudists awake for the
totally gratuitous 2 a.m. banquet were ordering Diet Cokes with their meats and
pastries.

    Friendly, happy people. This was true for the crew as
well as the nude vacationers. The only instance of clear and unmistakable
unfriendliness towards people who had the bizarre desire to run around starkers
occurred when the ship was anchored about a mile off Grand Cayman Island.
Apparently, the local Nazi authorities, upon learning that a shipload of
nudists were out there in their very proper harbor (unseen, of course, from
shore), gave orders that everyone on board had to cover up immediately else the
vessel would be ordered out to sea! This bit of "family values mentality"
seemed a bit incongruous from officials of an island best known for banks
sheltering drug profits from properly attired and suitably dignified smugglers.
Of course, nobody on board had any problem with the idea of being ordered out
of local waters, except those whose spouses had left the ship for visits to
local beaches! Thus, the idyllic repose of the naked ones was rudely
interrupted. Cruise patrons had a big laugh about the incident and were pleased
when the time came to sail away from this righteous island and "normalcy" was
reestablished.

    Great entertainment, interesting programs, luxurious accommodations and, most
significantly, a gym. The gym was always packed but then, it was a very small
gym.

    The pleasures of being at sea with ample time to read, ponder the meaning of
life and go on about wellness to hundreds of highly interested people. (On this
cruise, a nervous presenter could not employ the old speaker's trick of
imagining folks sitting out there in their underwear.)

    Finally, it has to be noted that this cruise, like others, was attractive
simply because a week at sea provides ample opportunities to meet new
folks--some of whom are bound to be a lot of fun, as well as to get away for a
spell, enjoy the tranquility (assuming the seas are calm) and mystery of the
ocean and relate on a new level with whomever you chose to invite as your
traveling companion. These are among the attractions of any cruises and this
one was no exception.

    With these basics out of the way, permit me to reveal what it was like spending
a week at sea in search of converts for wellness under these unusual
circumstances. While I did not conduct double-blind cross-over trials of a
longitudinal, latitudinal and dignified nature, this has never inhibited me in
the past from making wild and unsupported assertions in an irreproducible
fashion--and it's not about to do so now. Furthermore, I take comfort in the
immortal words of a herpetologist/parasitologist friend who used to say, on hot
sunny afternoons, "Let's get naked and criticize each other."

    Here is my major finding:  A ship populated with 900 nudists is just like a
boatload of 900 non-nudists, except that these folks are obviously less
inhibited than the average citizen. But, they come in all shapes, sizes and
colors (I'm referring to the people) and, most importantly, their lifestyles,
personalities, opinions, preferences and everything else seem to represent all
the variations and shadings found in the general population.

    This noted, here are a few of my "scientific discoveries" or perhaps inspired
opinions. For starters, I was amazed at the number of folks who, paradoxically,
love to display their bodies but do not take very good care of them. There were
large numbers of overweight people on this cruise and, much much worse, a
disproportionate population of smokers. I asked many fit-looking non-smokers
about this but nobody had a sensible explanation for the enigmatic
contradiction. Of course, no wellness promoter would want anyone to be ashamed
of his or her body, but I had the sense that an exception might be made in this
case. Some people would be better off with a bit less self-acceptance if it
could be married to a resolution to do something about their health problems,
like exercise more/eat less and substitute positive avocational passions for
mindless self-destructive high-risk behaviors (i.e., smoking). But, wellness is
a positive approach so enough on this. On the horrors of smoking and paradox of
couch potatoism, I held my tongue except to promise, in the context of my
lectures, that my wellness way would lead to the promised land! (This is,
before they got to die anyway, but in a much healthier state following a
briefer period of deterioration.)

    Furthermore, I made a major discovery that could, if I play my cards right,
lead to a Nobel prize or free t-shirt or something. It concerns my favorite
wellness topic, namely, how to tell when you reach middle-age: You're middle
age when you sense people are dressing you with their eyes.

    If you'd like to take a nude cruise or simply obtain colorful brochures about
clothes-free galas at sea, call "Bare Necessities" travel agency in Austin,
Texas. The phone number is (800) 743-0450 or (512) 469-0179; the address is
1802 West 6th Street, Suite B, Austin, TX 78703. Ask for Nancy.

    Oh, by the way, maybe you're wondering if I presented my lectures on wellness
in the spirit of things, that is, "suitably attired" or unattired, as the case
might be. Are you wondering? If you recall the formula 7/38/55 dealing with the
proportion of the elements of a speech that affect comprehension (seven percent
of what folks remember is based on the verbal element of the speech; 38 and 55
percent relate to vocal and visual elements, respectively), then you must know
that I elected to remain fully clothed. Had I done otherwise, it's unlikely
that members of my audience would have been able to recall even seven percent
of my verbal message!

    Would I go on another nude cruise? Sure. Would I do anything different next
time? Yes, I'd go sooner and stay later. Oh, and one more thing:  I'd work even
harder on my presentations and less on my physical condition! You see, if the
speeches were slightly better and my figure just a little worse, maybe I could
get the audience up to eight percent on verbal comprehension.

    About the author:  Donald B. Ardell is the author of many books on wellness, his latest
being 14 DAYS TO WELLNESS (New World Library, Novato, CA. 1999).  He is a weekly
host on HBO's internet wellness show (see www.yourhealth.com) and publishes the quarterly ARDELL WELLNESS REPORT.  For a sample copy, send a SASE to Don at 345 Bayshore Blvd., # 414, Tampa, FL  33606.  Don is at "donardell@earthlink.net"

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