I am a survivor of childhood emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual abuse.  My mother was the most violent one in our family, and because she had issues with her brother that she had never resolved, I became the family scapegoat.  Because she felt inadequate and defective, she took every opportunity to make me feel that way, so that she could feel powerful and righteous.  She was a rage-aholic, so the violence and extreme shaming were an everyday occurrence.  I ended up feeling weak, wrong, terrified, ashamed, self conscious, hyper vigilant, disgusting, empty, hopeless.  I was allowed no boundaries.  I had no sense of the space my body occupied.  I felt awkward, as if I had no control of my body.  I became numb.  I believed I was unloving, and unlovable. 
     My father either stayed distant (most of the time) or explosive (I never knew when it was comin').  He modeled being self conscious, socially inept, alcoholic violent/withdrawn. 
    When I was 14, I was  molested by a pedophile, who spent nearly 2 years setting it up so that my parents trusted him enough to take a bunch of us to the 1964 New York World's Fair.  While we were there, he tried to drug us, (but I didn't take the pill). 
     I grew up in the country, in Pennsylvania, and that helped me survive.  I live almost in the wilderness now; that feeds me, and inspires me now.  I had a grandfather who gave me paperback books when he came to visit, and that helped me survive. Now I love to read, and learn, and both are important to me .  I had an aunt and an uncle who told me I was special, and had a gallon of clams in their refrig, especially for me each time we came to visit.  Up here in Maine, I dug clams for a living for over 10 years, and I eat them whenever I want. 
     As an adult, I became alcoholic and drug addicted.  I have been clean and sober for over 11 years.  Quit cigarettes 6 years ago.  Had my first child abuse flashback 2 weeks after I stopped drinking and drugging. 
     I have 2 sons, 18 and 14..Shawn and Francis respectively.  And I am a good father, (I have raised them on my own). 
     I would be glad, and honored, to correspond with fellow survivors during their recovery journey!    Contact Me
 

          I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor.  My abuse was repressed until 4 years ago.  While reading a newspaper article about a priest-abuser, I suddenly remembered my own molestation.  I was horrified!  I felt as if my abuse had JUST occured.  The flash- 
backs I started having were so real...like being abused in real time. 
          With my remembering also came an  understanding of why I was the way I had been my whole life.  I knew why I had  always been so withdrawn, so shy, so very afraid of men.  I knew why I was always depressed, why I had tried suicide twice 
before I was 16. I knew why I hated  myself! 
          I immediately started going to therapy.   I was not able to cope with all the fears, thoughts and feelings that were flooding  me. 
          While in therapy, I came to realize that having lived with an alcoholic father had taken its toll on my childhood too.   I had  been witness to,  and the recipient of much violence. 
          I am the mother of two wonderful adult children...I even have a precious grandson.  
          I would love to correspond with you for mutual support and encouragement!Contact Me
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