1. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
2. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
3. Horn broken, watch for finger.
4. All men are idiots ... I married their king.
5. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
6. My kid had sex with your honor student.
7. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
8. Help wanted: Telepath, you know where to apply.
9. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. (The IRS is the American Tax Authority)
10. Your mother loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
11. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
12. I love rabbits ... they taste just like chicken!
13. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
14. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
15. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
16. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ, do I?
17. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
18. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
19. Ask me about microwaving dogs for fun and profit.
20. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
21. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
22. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
25. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
26. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
27. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
28. He who laughs last thinks slowest or is using HTML! - Unk. but modified by Das
29. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
30. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
31. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
32. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
33. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
34. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
35. I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
36. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
37. My wife said if I go fishing one more time she was gonna leave me. I'm sure gonna miss her!
38. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
39. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
40. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
41. Is there another word for synonym?
42. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
43. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
44. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
45. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
46. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
47. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
48. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
49. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
50. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
51. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
52. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
53. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
54. If you shoot a mime, do you have to use a silencer? - Unknown Trivad
55. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
56. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
57. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
58. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
59. Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!
60. I live with FEAR and DANGER every day of my life! (But sometimes she lets me go fishing!)
61. LOVE: 2 Consonants, 2 Vowels, 2 Fools!
62. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
63. Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding!
64. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!
65. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!
66. Matrimony isn't a word, it's more like a sentence!
67. I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
68. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
69. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
70. I intend to live forever - so far, so good!
71. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
72. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
73. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
74. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
75. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
76. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
77. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have!
78. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
79. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
80. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
81. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
82. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
83. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
84. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
85. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
86. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
87. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
88. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
89. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
90. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
91. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
92. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
93. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
94. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
95. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
96. The universe is a figment of its own imagination.
97. There's no future in time travel.
98. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
99. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
100. A day without sunshine is like night.
101. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
102. Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
103. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
104. Death is hereditary.
105. Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
106. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
107. Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
108. Join the Army, travel to exotic places, meet interesting people and kill them.
109. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..
110. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
111. Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
112. How does Teflon stick to the pan?
113. If all else fails, sue the tobacco companies
114. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
115. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
116. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
117. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
118. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
119. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
120. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
121. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
122. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
123. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
124. Black holes are where God divided by zero.
125. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
126. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
127. Never argue with a fool, some people can't tell who is which.
128. I used to be apathetic. Now I just don't give a shit!
129. Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
130. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
131. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
132. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
133. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
134. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
135. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
136. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
137. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
138. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
139. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
140. Why is the alphabet in that order?
141. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
142. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
143. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
144. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
145. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
146. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
147. Do fish get cramps after eating?
148. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
149. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
150. Why do scientists call it REsearch when looking for something new?
151. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
152. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
153. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
154. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
155. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
156. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
157. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
158. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
159. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
160. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
161. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
162. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
163. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
164. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
165. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
166. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
167. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
168. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
169. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
170. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
171. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
172. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
173. Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
174. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Red Buttons
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache? Jack Mayberry
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? John Mendoza
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. Jeff Stilson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. Lynda Montgomery
When was the last time YOU were lunch? DasbootCapt
I would rather light one small candle than grope in the dark, unless it's Heather Locklear! DasbootCapt
Friends don't let Friends triv Naked. Falcoria
I'm warped and demented.... What's YOUR excuse? DasBootCapt
My new book is "How to Rob Wishing Wells for Fun and Profit"! It goes on sale this week to pay my bail! DasbootCapt
Some days, chicken. Some days, feathers. Some days, the beak in the ass! DasbootCapt
I used to be a pervert until I found out that exhibitionists get more exposure! DasbootCapt
Give me a free hand and I'll run it all over you. DasbootCapt
Why have PMS when Mad Cow Disease will do? DasbootCapt
When you backup the backup disc, is there an annoying beep when you throw it in reverse??" Denverc30
As long as one person stays awake, no sleeping-with was involved! PKMF
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? Brandybuck