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NEWS IN BRIEF Queen Mother 'Still dead' announces Palace...           Liverpool City Council considering clearing up WW2 bomb damage...         Number 17 bus arrives on time...          'Perhaps we shoud think about doing something about crime in this city' admits police chief...


Deaths Imminent

We'll find a photo soon...

City Council chiefs propose to exterminate 1 in 10 staff under controversial proposals drawn up by Chief Executive David Henshaw and other senior employees.

The Town Hall bigwigs feel that the controversial 'Kill every tenth wageslave' policy is the only way to reduce employee numbers to such a level that the city achieves its long-held goal of leaving the most expensive 0.5% of local authorities in the UK.

Liverpool's Director of Communications, Hercules Cash, said 'We have dedicated staff in this city, and they are literally queuing up to leave, such is their commitment to reducing Council Tax to a slightly less unacceptable level. Senior staff are playing their part too by living on the Wirral or in Cheshire, often at great personal expense, so as not to place unnecessary strain on the city's infrastructure'.


Culture Boost for City

Photo ©BBC

A customer settles in at Liverpool's 10,000th sunbed shop

Liverpool's bid to become the European Capital of Culture in 2008 received a major fillip this week when the Lord Mayor, Councillor Gerry Scott, opened the city's 10,000th tanning emporium, 'Tan You Believe It?' on Smithdown Road.

Speaking at a ceremony to mark the milestone held afterwards at St George's Hall, the Lord Mayor said 'This is a wonderful achievement for the city. The sunbed plays a key role in Liverpool's life, and we now have many more per head than our nearest rival. We must surely now boast the most orange women of any city bidding for this honour; even Belfast cannot match us.'




Wildlife Blunder

'Princess' the lioness devours fellow safari park inmate 'Horace'

Managers at Knowsley Safari Park have launched an investigation after a warden unlocked a number of gates between enclosures, leading to the death of at least two dozen animals.

Dennis Walsh of Dovecot had been working at the tourist attraction for almost three years when he felt that the wildlife just wasn't wild enough. At the beginning of his shift last Thursday, Walsh decided to open the security gates between the lion enclosure and the rest of the park's "African Plains" themed area, allowing the predators to mingle freely with their prey, with disastrous consequences. The zebra and wildebeest populations suffered particularly heavily at the hands of the giant felines.

However, some regular visitors were delighted by the changes. 'I was in the park with my family to celebrate my son's 10th birthday', Dave Walton told The Clarion, 'and when we entered the "Serengeti" zone we spotted a pride of lions having a feeding frenzy around a recently felled gazelle. It's not the sort of thing you usually see, and I certainly can't afford to take the family to Africa to see this sort of thing. Well done to the park for giving Jack a birthday to remember!'.


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