Liverpool 'Set to conquer world' say fans

Excited Kopites from the city, the region and Scandinavia today believe that their club stands on the brink of another famous European success.

With only Bayer Leverkusen standing between the Mighty Reds, who are already 1-0 up from the first leg, it is surely a formality for the Red Men to secure the 0-0 draw they need to progress to a 'Battle of Britain' semi-final against Manchester United, which they'll obviously win.

Interviewed at Manchester Airport, Liverpool fan Thomas Martins told the BBC's North West Tonight (and we eavesdropped) 'We'll beat these Krauts no problem - we'll soon give the Nazi bastards what for!'. When asked by a BBC producer to try again without being quite so abusive, he reiterated 'Sorry, I think Leverkusen are a good side but I reckon we'll come through. And then give those Manc fuckers a good pasting'.

9/4/2002

Everton transfer market raid

Moyes - wanted by police

A number of players and officials of Everton FC are being sought in connection with an attempted raid on the Football Association's Transfer Market in the early hours of Thursday morning.

The market, held weekly on a patch of wasteland on the eastern fringes of Birmingham, was preparing to open for business when the Toffee Bandits struck. It is believed that the Goodison men tried to escape with two attacking midfielders in their late twenties, but this has not yet been confirmed by either FA or West Midlands Police officials.

Agent Hercules Cash, representing several of the Premiership's journeyman pro's, said 'it had only just gone 5am, so I had just set my stall out early doors when suddenly there was an almighty crash. I think the thieves had used some kind of explosive, as the next thing I knew a couple of the thirty-something past-it carthorses I represent were being led off. The ringleader looked like David Moyes, although I can't be sure as they were all wearing Everton tracksuits and balaclavas. I'm just pleased I gave chase and got my boys back - they might be old and decrepit, but to send them to Goodison would be unkind.'

27/3/2002

Toffees confound critics

Smith - 'delighted'

If you'd have asked almost any football watcher before the weekend about the likely outcome of the Blues' FA Cup quarter-final tie at Middlesbrough, most would probably have suggested that it was a game with 0-0 written all over it. Both teams are among the lowest scores in the Premiership - the men from Goodison had scored only three times in their previous six games, while the team from the Teeside petrochemical wasteland had fared little better, scoring five.

With this in mind, the football world was stunned by Sunday afternoon's result from the Riverside - Middlesbrough 3 Everton 0.

Speaking afterwards, Everton manager Walter Smith rounded on his critics. 'I am delighted', he told our reporter. 'This is one in the eye for all those people who said that this game would inevitably be a bore-draw. Granted it was not pretty at times, but our hapless defending made a major contribution to the scoreline'.

The Blues' next humiliation is likely to be on Saturday, with Fulham more than likely capitalising on the Toffee's inadequacies.

11/3/2002

Reds Star Disciplined

Anfield in darkness

Liverpool FC have grounded John Arne Riise for the maximum two weeks allowed following the floodlight failure before last week's vital clash with Newcastle United.

Speaking to The Clarion, caretaker manager Phil Thompson revealed that the young Norwegian, and two juniors who the club is not naming, were hauled over the coals after they left an IOU in the jar where stadium manager Ged Poynton keeps the 50p pieces for the electric meter. The players used the coins to buy sweets and Harry Potter stickers. Poynton and other backroom staff were reduced to running between shops and snack bars outside the ground trying to get change of a £20 note while fans inside the ground were subject to a half hour delay to kick off.

In a statement released through his agent Einar Baardsen, Riise apologised for the problems his actions had caused, and promised that in future he would ask the club directly for help if his pocket money had run out.

Liverpool went on to run out comfortable 3-0 winners.

11/3/2002