~~~ In Search of Answers ~~~
A life-long learning experience
by
Catherine S.
There are only two lasting bequests we
can give our children-one is roots,
the other wings.
POPULAR SAYING
Adoptees need both sets of parents if
they are to have roots and wings.
A BIRTH MOTHER
When I was a little girl, my mother would read to me every night before I
went to sleep and one of our favorite children's storytellers was Dr.
Seuss. We owned every one of his silly, lyrical, nonsensical, but
wonderfully wise books- from Green Eggs and Ham to One Fish, Two Fish, Red
Fish, Blue Fish. There is one story that was never quite as funny as the
others. It is the story of a little bird who fell out of her nest, got
lost and frightened and started asking everyone (and everything) she saw
the same question. Over and over she asked the question. As a matter of
fact, the title of the book is the question.
The question she asked is the question I have asked in some form every day
of my life for as long as I can remember. The question is, "Are you my
mother?"
CONCRETE EXPERIENCE
I am adopted. My parents brought me to their Grand Rapids, Michigan,
white, picket fence, house in 1958. They had picked me up from Bethany
Christian Home. I was six months old.
The first six months of my life I had been in a foster home. Michigan
State law required that there be a waiting period prior to any
consideration of adoption. The law also required that my parents wait yet
another year until the adoption was finalized. During that time I lived
with them and had constant visits from a social worker to ensure the match
between parent and child would be a good one.
Not only did the State require a waiting period; so did the church. I was
baptized when I was one and a half years old because the church did not
baptize adopted infants until all the paper work was finalized with the
court. So, on the Sunday morning of my baptism, unlike the other families
who carried their offspring in white lace blankets and silky gowns; I
walked down the aisle to the baptism font in a pretty yellow dress -
holding my parent's hands.
My parents have always told me that I was adopted. They did not keep any
secrets from me about how, when, and why I became part of their family.
They have always felt secure enough in their roles as my parents to
understand and support my need to know about my background. I believe that
had my parents known anything about my birth family they would have given
me that information with the same amount of confidence they displayed in
telling me about being adopted.
Others, however, are not as open as my parents. The State of Michigan is
holding my secret. Bethany Home is holding my secret, and my birth mother
is holding my secret. A "closed" adoption is very secretive. The word
"closed" and the silence attached to it will affect the attitudes and
behaviors of the adoptee.
It has been my experience that when people find out I am adopted they all
ask the same questions. I supply answers that I am now so accustomed to
giving. What follows is a sampling of the typical conversation.
? You don't look like your brothers or your parents, why?
? My brothers and I are all adopted.
? Adopted! Wow! Were you all adopted from the same family?
? No, we are not all from the same family.
? How old were you when you were adopted?
? I was 6 months old.
? Why 6 months? Where were you for the first 6 months? Did your mom
decide after keeping you for 6 months to give you up?
? Back in the 1950's and early 60's a 6 month waiting period was required.
During that time I was in a foster home.
? How old were you when your parents told you about being adopted?
? I don't remember NOT knowing that I was adopted. My parents have always
been honest and open about it.
? Do you know why your mom didn't want you?
? My birth mother wanted me to have a good home. She was Dutch Christian
Reformed from Iowa and my birth father was Irish Catholic. Back then the
two religions did not mix well and their families would not allow a
marriage.
? Have you tried to find her or do you know who she is?
? Yes, I've tried to locate her but she has not responded to the
intermediary at the adoption agency that handled the case. I have been
able to locate my father, however.
? Oh? Would he meet you?
? He's dead. He died when I was two years old.
? I don't think I've ever met someone who was adopted. Has it affected
your life or are you normal?
? Well, that's an experience that could take awhile to explain...........
These are the typical questions asked and my usual responses to those
questions. The words, phrases and expressions about adoption play a
significant role in how the adopted child develops their self-perception.
Many of the words used in the typical questions listed above have negative
connotations. Society places a stigma on adoption and this stigma slowly
and quietly erodes the self-esteem of adoptees.
When an adopted child reaches the age of 18 most states, including
Michigan, allow them to obtain "non-identifying" information about their
birth parents. My file contains whatever information was collected from
the time my birth mother contacted Bethany until the final adoption date.
There has been no further contact to or from my birth mother. This means
that the file is lacking a family medical history. I have no way of
knowing what diseases or conditions I may have inherited. I have no way of
knowing what precautions I may need to take to stay healthy.
I requested and received the non-identifying information from my file.
Below is a summary of the statistics that Bethany Home forwarded to me in
1991 about my birth mother, birth father and their families.
? BIRTH MOTHER Information (at time of my birth 9-1-57):
? Age - 21years old
? Birthdate - February, 1936
? Height: 5'8" Weight: 145 lb.
? Complexion: Medium, Eye Color: Green, Hair: Brown
? Nationality: White, Dutch heritage
? Religion: Reformed
? State of Residence: Iowa
? Occupation: Primary Grade School Teacher
? Education: 2 years of college and after my birth she went for 2 more
years for teaching credentials in higher grade levels
? Sibling(s): One brother, a year older
? Parental Information: Her father was a salesman with an investment
company and her mother was a homemaker
? BIRTH FATHER Information (at time of my birth 9-1-57):
? Age: 24 years old
? Birthdate: unknown / Junior in college
? Height and weight: unknown,
? Complexion: unknown, Eye Color: unknown, Hair: unknown
? Nationality: Irish
? Religion: Catholic
? State of Residence: Iowa - attending school in Wisconsin
? Occupation: Student (?)
? Education: attending college at time of my birth
? Sibling(s): 3 siblings
? Parental Info: unknown
? I was told that my birth parents did not consider marriage an option. My
birth father did, however, supply financial and emotional support to my
birth mother during her pregnancy.
? The only medical history obtained from my birth parents reads as follows:
"As far as was known at the time of Cathy's birth, both parents were
healthy, as were their families."
In 1992, I utilized Bethany Home's intermediary service. They were
unsuccessful in their attempts to contact my birth mother. They did obtain
information on my birth father. What they discovered was his death
certificate from 1960. I was only three years old when he died. I was
given a copy of the death certificate. At least now I know what his name
was - Donald Charles Bush. I know its not much information; but, what the
information did for me is tremendous. I finally had some sense of
resolution in the search for my identity. I received some peace of mind
and that helped me learn to forgive and start the healing process.
OBSERVATIONS AND REFLECTIONS
I am adopted. Because I am adopted I ask questions like, "Are you my
mother?"
When I see a woman who looks as if she could be my mother's age I wonder
if she is my birth mother. We may have brushed past each other on the
street and neither of us realized how closely we are connected. I wonder
about brothers and sisters that might exist somewhere. I wonder if my
birth mother regrets her decision. I wonder if she does not think of me at
all. I wonder why she will not respond to any inquiries from the adoption
agency. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder...Will I ever be able to stop
wondering.
I have always had a curiosity about the behavior of adopted children.
I've met other adoptees who, like me, were troubled teenagers and adults.
I've seen television programs and read articles about troubled, adopted
teens. Why are adopted children so often rebellious, outspoken, angry and
troublemakers? Why are they so contradictory in actions and feelings? Why
do they try so hard to please others and at the same time do things to hurt
those closest to them? Why do they battle against conformity yet fear
abandonment?
Why do we act the way we do? Why do we have unique relationship problems
with the opposite sex? Why is our self esteem so low? I have looked for
and have found some answers to my questions by searching for my birth
parents identity. In looking back at what resources I used to aid my
discoveries I thought of many; however, the major sources were:
* The Search Groups, Search Assistants, and Social Workers that supplied
support, information, and advice
* Personal therapy
* Discussions with close friends who are adopted
* The media; articles, books, television
When did I realize that being adopted affected my behavior?
The first incident I can remember occurred when I was in second grade. I
was angry with my mother over something. I can still smell the mothball
odor in the wool mittens I put on my hands. I can still see the snow
falling as my little brothers and I march out of the house and down the
porch steps. I can still remember the evil tone in my voice as I tell my
mother that I am taking my little brothers with me to find our "real
mothers."
I feel like crying for her when I think of how these words seared into her
heart. What a horrible, mean thing to say to the woman that fed me,
clothed me, cared for me, and loved me. Her response, however, was to pack
us some lunches, make sure we were bundled up and told us to be careful.
This was the first evidence of my need to search and her willingness to
accept my need for identity.
Years later, as a teenager I was still frustrated and feeling lost. I was
angry, rebellious, depressed, and self destructive. I did many things to
hurt the people closest to me-especially my family. I became involved with
the wildest group in high school. I had terrible arguments with my father
in which I screamed horrible, angry curses at him. These fights were so
verbally violent that I can not remember them today. I disregarded
everything decent that my parents had taught me. So it appeared by my
words and actions. This angry self-destructive behavior was a symptom of
my adoption.
What I realize now is that as a teenager I did not fully comprehend the
inner feelings and needs that were in conflict with my actions. My inner
feelings consisted of guilt, shame, and remorse for the things I was doing
to hurt the ones I loved. I know now that I was hurting them to see how
far I could push them before they would abandon me.
When I was 21, I met with a Social Worker at Bethany Home to obtain any
information they would give me. I had this dream that I would arrive for
my meeting and my mother would be there with open arms. I would run to her
and hug her and tell her that I forgive her, that I had great parents that
loved me intensely, and that she made the right choice. After my speech,
my birth parents, my parents and I, would live in harmony forever after.
As I said, it was a dream.
The meeting with the agency was not like my dream. Instead, I discovered
that my birth parents identifying information is a secret that can not be
shared by State Law. "The State must protect the birth parents," is what
the Social Worker told me that day. My records are sealed and neither of
my birth parents had submitted a release of information.
I sat across the desk from a woman with my file. That file contained the
information I longed to possess. When I remember that day and realize how
close I was to the information I long for; I wish that I had grabbed the
file out of her hands. Instead, I asked for a piece of paper to write down
the small amount of information I was allowed to have, the
"non-identifying" information.
The next time I decided to try and find my birth parents was in 1991 when
I contacted Bethany Home, again. I was assigned another Social Worker.
She offered their intermediary services, which I accepted. This type of
service had recently been approved in the State of Michigan and Bethany was
set up to perform the service.
The Intermediary service cost is $250. For that price they offer the
following services:
? The adoption agency will attempt to locate the birth parent
? If located, will advise them of the adoptee's desires to meet
? If the birth parent does not want to meet, the adoption agency will offer
alternatives
My Social Worker tried to contact my birth mother. She did not respond to
a letter sent to her by my Social Worker through the Social Security Office
or to answering machine messages left discreetly by the Social Worker. I
do not know where or how the letter was sent or where messages were left
for her. That is another secret kept from me and one of the frustrating
aspects to the intermediary service.
Ever since I can remember, I have had an intense desire to be accepted.
The thought that I may not be liked will destroy any confidence I have in a
situation. This obsession is very overpowering. In the past, I have
compromised my own needs to please other people in the hope that my actions
will be considered worthy enough for their acceptance. Acceptance means I
belong and if I belong I will not be alone. The need to be accepted and
the fear of abandonment are feelings that are intensified because of the
adoption.
I have some close friends that are also adoptees. We have talked about
our experiences, attitudes and frustrations about adoption. During one of
our discussions, we determined that since each of us struggles with the
desire to be accepted and the fear of abandonment, there must be a
correlation to adoption. We talked about the things we have done to keep
insane relationships together. For instance, we each recalled times when
we would change our behaviors drastically and detrimentally to meet our
mates expectations of what we should be. Ever since that night of sharing,
we call ourselves the "Chameleons." The chameleon changes its color to
match its surroundings. The adoptee changes behavior to match their
surroundings and obtain the acceptance so desperately needed.
There are many childhood experiences that affect the behavior of the
adult. The interactions between parent and child, siblings and friends,
and teachers influence the character of the adult. How one person will
handle certain situations and respond to different stimuli will depend on
both conscious and sub-conscious experiences.
Childhood adoption is a life experience that intensely affects the
behavior of the adult adoptee. I have learned in my life that there are
three main elements that contribute to the adoptee's behavior and
specifically the feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, and the need to
be accepted.
The three elements are:
1. Damaging Words
2. Secret Information
3. Severed Ties
"Damaging Words" are the terms used by society when talking about
adoption. In the questions and answers given earlier there are some
examples of these terms; "give you up," "after having you," "you don't look
like...," "didn't want you," "are you normal?"
Adopted children have been conditioned to think differently about
themselves.
