is Lou Reed really Old Spice?

Everybody knows that the key to success in today's pop world is plagarism. Noel Gallagher, for example, knows the three-chord guide to the Beatles off by heart, and has been regurgitating it ad naueseum for three bloody awful but phenomenally successful Oasis albums.

Cast, Puff Daddy, the Sea Horses, Kula Shaker, the Fugees, Ocean Colour Scene - dull plagarists all. The list is as long as their records are shite.

What you didn't suspect, however, was that the Spice Girls, purveyeors of Girl Power and innumerable consumer goods to the nation, are actually a disgusting, cynical rip-off of the Velvet Undergound. The seminal 60s band have had a strong influence on many groups throught the decades, but could the Spicers be the next in a long line of Velveteenieboppers? Is "Wannabe" really just a thinly disguised cover of "Heroin"?

Consider these startling facts and decide for yo'self...

1. No talent
Both bands have been accused of not being able to sing or play instruments. Lou's voice was frequently criticised for being off-key, flat and generally boring. But while the Spice's have never pretended to be able to play an instrument, John Cale has deliberately set out to pretend to be unable to play an instrument.

2. Purveyors of classic anthems for disaffected youth
Wannabe spoke out for a whole generation of pre-pubescent schemies, giving them an excuse to treat boys like shit and kick 'em in the balls. Heroin remains the anthem for nihlistic, mal-adjusted teenagers who hate everything and wear too much black. Not much similarity in approach, but an almost eery similarity in intent.

3. The Svengali-like mentors
Weirdo Andy Warhol duped the public into believing that cheap, mass-produced shite usually ignored and disdained by a discerning public was actually art. After Lou Reed sacked him, the Velvets drifted inevitably into total obscurity. Mysterious Simon Fuller managed the Spice Girls until he was sacked by the ginger slapper. Spot the parallel?

4. The "cute blonde one"
Emma Bunting and Nico: separated at birth?

5. Innovative dance shows
Early Velvet shows were characterised by a hypnotic, innovative, sexual dance perfomd by Mary Warnova and Gerard Malanga designed to pummel the audience into a hypnotic trance. The Spice shows are characterised by Geri's hypnotic, innovative, sexual dance designed to keep her breasts inside her dress. Most of the time.

6. Sunglasses
The Velvets wore sunglasses on stage because they couldn't stand the sight of the audience. Spice audiences wear sunglasses cause they can't stand the sight of the girls.

7. Girl Power
Moe Tucker didn't have to get her tits out to change the face of rock and roll. She settled down in Georgia and had five kids instead.

8. Girl Power, part deux
Sister Ray is the ultimate anthem for a generation's teenage girls (albeit those with gender difficulties, mental health problems and a severe drug problem)

9. They do adverts, don't they?
Spice Girls appear on everything - it's only a matter of time until the lucrative Tampax link up. The Velvets were sponsered by Vox amplifiers (check out the result on White Light White Heat) and "Venus in Furs" recently featured in a Dunlop tyres ad. Lou Reed hasn't done too badly either: Honda scooters, American Express, and the BBC's brilliant advert defending its ridiculous licensing system, to name but a few.

10. Film appearances
"Spice World" looks likely to be a surreal and unwatchable slice of 90s crap in which the band appears with dozens of superstars in cameos, topped off with an unlistenable soundtrack; "Hedy" was a surreal and unwatchable slice of 60s crap in which the band appeared with dozens of Andy Warhol Superstars, topped off with an unlistenable soundtrack.

11. The "peelable" connection
On the Velvets debut record, "The Velvet Underground and Nico", Andy Warhol produced the classic "Peelable banana" design. The record is now worth a fortune. At the Brits ceremony, Geri wore her famous "peelable dress". The result wasn't priceless, but still pretty good.

12. The gay following
Spice is a must-have CD among the oh-so-ironic gay community. Coincidentally, Candy says that she hates her (male) body and wants a sex change operation, and the Sailor is busy sucking on a ding-dong.

13. Sex
Compare and contrast: "Get it on, get it on" from "Two Become One", a touching, heartfelt peaon to safe sex. "Taste the whip, in love not given lightly, taste the whip, now bleed for me" from "Venus in Furs", a touching, hearfelt peaon to sadism. It's almost as if they were written by the same hand.

So there you have it. Spice Girls are the Velvets of today, and in 20 years' time we will have a whole new slew of bands imitating them. Of course, what tomorrow's generation will fail to realise is that it's the Godfathers of Spice, Lou "Druggy Velvet" Reed, John "Taffy Velvet" Cale, Sterling "Dead Velvet" Morrisson, Maureen "Moe Velvet" Tucker and Nico "Crushed Velvet" Pfaffberg, who were the real innovators.