Aging Jokes

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl,
"Nothing but the best for my little kitten."
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?" Never fool around with a Little old lady!

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the Madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put a doll in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said,
"I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned. How was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window!"

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor. "O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."
So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man:
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do", said the man.
"After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked: "your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that old coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

Two 90 year old women are sitting in front of a nursing home one day, smoking cigarettes, when it started to rain. The first woman pulls a condom out of her purse, snips of the tip of it and pulls it over her cigarette and finishes smoking.
The second woman looks at her and asks her "What are you doing?"
The first woman says "I'm keeping my cigarette dry."
The second woman then says "I should try that."
The next day the second woman goes to the pharmacy and says "I need a box of condoms!"
The pharmacists looks at her and thinks "This woman is 90 years old, what the heck does she need condoms for" but he decides "Oh well I guess I'll sell them to her anyways."
He then asks the woman "What brand would you like madam?"
The old woman replies "Doesn't matter to me....as long as they fit a CAMEL!!"

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly,
"Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,
"Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns,bends over, and farts.......
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

An elderly lady visits her plastic surgeon complaining that every time she gets a face lift its only a matter of months before she needs another one. The surgeon being a sympathetic man offers her an experimental treatment. The treatment he tells her , involves screwing a small knob into the back of her head and every time she feels her face sag she can just tighten it up. The elderly lady leaves looking like a twenty year old and is delighted. However the story does not end there.

About 6 months later the lady returns to the surgeon complaining of bags beneath her eyes. "Those aren't bags" he tells her. "Those are your breasts from where you have tightened up the screw too much". The elderly lady replies, "that would explain my new goatee then."

Sam and Bessie are in their 80's and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes home, asking Bessie,
"So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants, what's different?"
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, just wearing the new shoes. Again, "So, Bessie, do you notice anything different?"
What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? Cause it's looking at my new shoes!"
Bessie replies, "You should have bought a hat."

I loaned a friend of mine some bucks to buy Viagra. Then for the next 2 weeks all I heard from him was how he and his wife were having the most unbelievable sex...humpin' day and night. I was glad for him but I wanted my money back. When I asked him for it....he stiffed me!

A man comes to a doctor and twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say,"Doctor, I have a performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for & your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he?
Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says "You".

The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer looks like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"
"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money!"

Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly
homes, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice
a week. How many can you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night?"
"Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday,..."

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!

Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived on 19th May at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot. Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, i tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth...still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

An old lady felt something small moving around her vagina and went to the doctor for a diagnosis. "Crabs," he told her.
"That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion."
And she did. Unfortunately, the second doctor had the same diagnosis.
"That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion."
This time she went to a specialist. His verdict was different.
"I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?" he asked her.
"The good news is you don't have crabs."
"Well, that's great! What's the bad news?" she asked.
"The bad news is: your cherry has rotted, and you have fruit flies."

Did you hear about the 90 year old flasher who wandered into the Flower Show?
He won the prize for best dried arrangement.

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damnit.
I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?" "I see," says the manager as he points to the teller, "And this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

What's 20 feet long & smells like urine?
A line dance at a retirement home.

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