Mike's Jokes-Funny Lists

From Heather Turnbull:
You know you are Canadian when...

You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks & a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national & international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
You find -40C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deepfreeze.
You can play road hockey on skates.
You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

Annoying Things

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their seat to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is a cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know, you pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer?

When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's on a piece of paper!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here!

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

How to Really Annoy People

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog".
Insist on keeping your windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up". Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"
Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations to see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes, argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.

From Heather Turnbull: SIGNS YOU MAY BE A CANADIAN...

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 24's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.
10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to & has good cigars.
13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
14. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex & don't want to know if he has!
15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - because Chesterfield is a small town in Quebec.
19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
22. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
23. You read rather than scanned this list.

More Signs That You May be Canadian...

1. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
2. You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
3. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
4. You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold".
5. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.
6. Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sew-on.
7. Unlike any international spy in the world, you probably don't have a Canadian passport.
8. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
9. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada & you make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
10. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
11. You know what a touque is.
12. You have some memento of Doug and Bob.
13. You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.
14. You know Toronto is not a province.
15. You drink Moosehead beer because of the moose.
16. You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.
17. You never miss "Coaches Corner".
18. Backbacon is a food group.
19. You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.
20. You use a tennis ball more for road hockey than for tennis.

Good Comebacks

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?