Jokes Without Categories

COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING

(the male author responds to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back & compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window.

Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing. After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this as echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc. Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc. Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

Taken from "Most Embarrassing Moments" contest in New Woman Magazine:

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

From Trashlaughs (MightyCool.com)

I've got a great one for you. When I was back in high school I had a date one Saturday night with a Methodist preachers daughter. The reason we were going out was because she had this great body and was known to be one of the best kissers in the school. I came over to pick her up and the parents escorted me into the living room while she finished getting ready. In those days, most of the homes had picture windows (bay windows) in the living room. We were sitting there talking, me, the preacher and his wife when she entered the room in a pair of tight bell bottom hip huggers and a tube top. She had beautiful breasts, which were by all standards rather good size for her age. She bent over to pick up her purse and low and behold,....one fell out of her tube top! Not wanting the evening to be canceled I quickly thought of something and stated to the preacher and his wife, "Look, out in the yard". Much to my dismay when the preacher and his wife turned to look out the window, and my date re-inserted her breast into the tube top, out in the front yard were two dogs FUCKING! We still went out and had one of the best times of our lives; but damn was I embarrased! And we never went out again!

A man gets on an airplane. After take off he has to take a shit really bad, but all of the men's restrooms are full. The stewardess tells him he can use the women's restroom. "But," the stewardess says, "Do not touch any of the buttons except for the flush button."

After taking a dump, the man notices three buttons next to the flush button. One was marked WW, one was marked PP, and the third was marked ATR. He is really curious, so he decides to try out the buttons even though the stewardess told him not to. He pushes the WW button and warm water cleans his asshole and cock. He pushes the PP button and a powder puff rubs powder on his ass and dick. "Wow!", the man says to himself, "this is great!" He pushes the last button, the one marked ATR.

The next thing he knows he is waking up in a hospital with doctors and the stewardess standing around him. "What happened?" he asks. "Well," the stewardess says, "You touched the ATR button, didn't you?" "Yes," says the man. "Well," says the stewardess, "ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Remover and your dick is in that jar over there."

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.

In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, some-times slowly sometime quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.

When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What is it?

ANSWERS:
1. A dentist
2. A wedding ring
3. Peanut Butter
4. A Chewing Gum
5. An elevator
6. A nose
7. A newspaper boy
8. A glove
9. A Crane
10. A toothbrush, of course

SCORING:
0-1 YIKES!
2-4 Get your mind out of the gutter!
5-7 Good job.
8-10 Do you know what sex is?

One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor's little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, "What's that between your legs?" He replied that is "my bird."
He went back to sleep. She come back later and said, "What's that furry stuff around your bird?" He replied that's "my nest." So he went back to sleep. She came back later. "What's those two things under it?" He said those are "the eggs." She said, "Okay, can I play with your bird,and he said ok.

When he woke up later in the hospital he saw the little girl and said, "What happened?" She said, "When I was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I chopped off his head, burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!"

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