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Relationship Jokes

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight...you pig !" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations." To which he responds, screaming at the top of his lungs, ......"What do you mean $200 for a blow job?"

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!"

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? " So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards
of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

Bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting in front of them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: there was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality!
The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality?"
"No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality... he's a bum lay!"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

One day, Todd complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't bother. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs $10.00." Todd figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, outpopped a small slip of paper which read:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was & how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter,
"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded,
"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
"Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.
"Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"

Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests. The first man says he pulled this girl last week and they agreed to go back to his house and have sex. Once in the house the girl stripped off, lied down on the bed legs apart and panted,
"I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believing his mate was that well hung asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do - I fucked her twice and smacked her in the face!"

A guy is out at his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to hear that she is a prostitute. He watches her for the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar and sure enough she shows up again. The guy gets his nerve, approaches her and says
"Is it true that you are a prostitute?"
"Why sure big boy, what can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100.00 for a hand job. We can negotiate from there,"
"$100.00 for a hand job? Are you crazy?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me. It's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while ands decides what the hell. He leaves with her and gets the most unbelievable experience he has ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his whole life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!".
"Of course it was, just wait until you try one of my blow job's."
"How much is that?"
"$500.00"
"$500.00? C'mon, That's ridiculous."
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out at a 12-story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, its worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints twice.....The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you are the best. Tell me what would it cost me for some pussy."
She motions him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where
between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"
"Aw c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy I'd own that island!"

A couple was getting married but they didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon so they decided to just go back to their new apartment after the wedding.

The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a ordinary guy, and the third a dentist.

They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The ordinary guy decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do.

A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. "Dear friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill the bastard that put the novacaine in the vaseline!"

A man went into a tattoo parlour and asked the owner if he would tattoo the words 'yes' and 'no' on his penis. The owner agreed. When the job was complete, the man approved of his new tattoo and then paid for the service.

That night, the man stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts, and proudly displayed the new tattoo on his aroused organ. "Well, honey, what do you think of my new tattoo... come on, tell me you like it... it's great, isn't it?"

His wife replied, "You tell me how to cook, you tell me how to clean, you tell me how to do the laundry, and now you want to put words in my mouth!"

There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So, they go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer."

With this, the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Then, she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then, she changes back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"

Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. She dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their hotel room. The groom was a little self- conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.

"Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" She exclaimed. Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

How is a Tornado like a marriage?
In the beginning there's a lot of sucking and blowing, by the end it's taken your house.

Sadie, the bar slut says: "Sex is like snow! Ya never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last!"

A man goes to Fredricks of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find for Valentines Day. The woman behind the counter brings out one for him to look at.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her. He says, "Please put this on and come downstairs to model it for me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "this thing is so see through, that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not."
So his wife comes down wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
"So, how do you like it?" she says.
He says, "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...
"Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies
"Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the fact that the fellow was too intensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and whispered,
"Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine inches?"
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
"You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times in a row!"

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied.
"It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

A guy sits down at the bar, orders a drink and holds his head in his hands. When the bartender comes back, the guy is swearing softly under his breath and shaking his head.
"Hey Bob, what's happening?" asks the bartender.
"I'm in DEEP SHIT," repies the customer. "I just got caught screwing my neighbor."
"Oh wow!" says the barman, "Who caught you? Your wife?"
"No said the customer, "HIS wife!"

A man walks into a drug store and calls the pharmacist over and asks him if he has any pills that can keep him hard all night since he had three girls coming over for the night. The pharmacist gave the man a jar of pills and told him to take two every three hours and he would stay hard all night. The man went home and took the whole box of 30 pills together.

The next day the man returned to the drug store and called the pharmacist over again. The man showed the pharmacist his penis which was black and blue and covered with a rash. The man asked the pharmacist for some rub A5-35, but the pharmacist told the man he was crazy to put rub A5-35 on his penis. The man replied that it wasn't for his penis, but his shoulder, since the girls did not show up.

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