What did the monster say after the evil scientist cloned him.
Nothing, he was beside himself.
What would you get if you crossed a sheriff with a canary?
Wyatt Chirp.
What famous western sheriff started a chain of hotels?
Hyatt Earp.
Did you hear about the stupid athlete who won a gold medal at
the Olympics?
He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.
What would you get if you crossed a karate instructor with a
wheelbarrow?
A chopping cart.
What comedy team eats carrots & tells jokes?
Rabbit and Costello.
What has four heads, runs forward and backwards very fast and
loves to play?
A VCR.
How does a dog stop the VCR?
He presses the paws button!
Why don' seagulls fly over the bay?
They they would be called "bagels"!
Q: How did one ocean say "good bye" to the other?
A: They say "sea you later!"
Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: "Dam."
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
A: Chocolate chimp cookies.
Q: What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.
Q: How does a lion like his steak?
A: Medium roar.
Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
A: French flies.
Q: What is a little dog's favorite drink?
A: Pupsi-cola.
Q: What is the first letter in yellow?
A: Y. Because I want to know.
Why did the potato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing
Q: Why do little melons have to have big weddings?
A: Because they "cantelope."
Did you hear about the trombone player who got kicked out of
the school band?
He kept letting things slide.
A duck walks into a bar and orders drinks for himself and
everyone in the place. At the end of the night, the bartender
asks the duck to pay up.
The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."
What did the ship's officer say when the panhandler on the
dock tried to slip aboard the tour ship?
"I'm sorry, but beggars can't be cruisers."
Two men walk into a bar and the third man ducked.
A horse trods into a bar and sits while waiting to order a drink. The bartender comes to his table and says, "Why the long face?"
What do computers eat when they get hungry?
Chips.
Why did the football coach go to the bank?
To get his quarter back.
Why didn't the ocean say hello?
Because it waves
Why did the belt go to jail?
Because it held up a pair of pants.
What's the difference between a circus and a single's bar?
At the circus the clowns don't try to talk to you.
What happened to the survivors of a collision of a red ship
and a blue ship?
They were marooned
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic with an
insomniac?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering whether there is a dog.
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a
car crash?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
Fill it with gas.
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
car.
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
Why did the leper crash his car?
He left his foot on the accelerator.
Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
He forgot his Head and Shoulders.
Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
Because there was a face off in the corner.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
What flower is in between your nose and your chin?
Two lips!
Why don't lobsters share?
They're shellfish
What's the quietest place in the world?
The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
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