Mike's Jokes-Short Jokes

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blownapart.

A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.
It became known as "Dogless Fairbanks."

Which famous golfer loves to drink wine?
Litre Vino.

A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath." So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy man asks, "You want that pasteurized?"
"Nah," the man replied. "Up to my chin should do it."

What's the difference between an angry circus-owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything that is, except the smoked salmon.
Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

Why did the Maharishi refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk

A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

Did you hear about the superconductor that ate 10 chocolate bars? It couldn't resist.

Where do pigs live at the north pole? In pigloos!!

Where do pigs park their cars? In porking lots!!

Why do milking stools only have 3 legs? Because the cow has the udder.

What happens when you tell a joke to a glass?
It cracks up

Where do hamburgers like to go to dance?
At a meatball

What do spiders drink?
Apple Spider

Do you know why Saturday and Sunday are the strongest days?
Because the rest are 'week'days

Why does it get hot after a basketball game?
Because all the fans are gone

What did the Farmer say to the Sunflower?
Take me to your 'weeder'...

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other 'slide'.....

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no 'body' to go with....

What did the bee say to the rose?
Nice bud

What do you call a man who gets walked all over?
Matt

What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper?
Ruff, Ruff

What people are at the end of a book?
The Finnish

What kind of police officer enjoys their work the most?
A traffic cop, they whistle while they work.

What did the window say?
Take Pains

What did the piece of ice say?
Keep Cool

What did the calendar say?
Keep up to date

What did the glue say?
Stick to it

What do liars do when they die?
Lie still

Once a pair of twins were born. For some odd reason, they had to be sepparated at birth. One was sent to Egypt and named Amal. The other was sent to Spain and named Juan.

After about 16 years Juan sent a picture to his mother. She was so touched that she said to her husband, ' Oh, I wish i had a picture of Amal, too.' 'But honey,' was his reply,'they are twins. When you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.'

Q. What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't come??
A. SOME DAY MY PRINTS WILL COME

What do you call an unemployed jester? ...Nobody's fool.

What do you call a chicken crossing the road? ... Poultry in motion.

Why are skeletons usually so calm ? --Nothing gets under their skin !

What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards? --A receding hare line

Why did the fly head for the alarm clock? --He wanted to land on time.

Why doesn't the Board of Health let bakeries sell orange juice?
Because bakers can't be juicers.

What would you get if you crossed a hot-air balloon with a ghost? --High spirits.

What do you get when you cross a clock with a cigarette? --Second-hand smoke.

What do mountain climbers' kids like to play? --Height and Seek.

How do you clear ice off the windows of tall buildings? --With a sky scraper.

What would you get if you crossed a mouth with a tornado? --A tongue twister.

How do fleas get from one place to another? --They itch hike.

What would you get if you crossed a banker with a kangeroo? --Vault-zing Matilda.

Why did the rubber woman from the circus enter therapy? --She was all bent out of shape.

What is the difference between a person who lives in Australia & a person who sleeps under a feather quilt? --One's down under, the other's under down.

What's the difference between a clumsy acrobat on ice & a gutsy acrobat at Niagara Falls?
One falls over the barrels, the other barrels over the falls.

What's more accurate than a digital watch & able to tell time with a single bound?
Clock Kent.

Did you hear about the lion that swallowed a computer? --Talk about a mane frame!

What kind of vehicle is useful for people with tired feet?
A toe truck

If tires hold up cars, what holds up an airplane?
Hijackers.

What's the differencve between a fisherman and a dunce?
A fisherman baits his hook and a dunce hates his book.

Where would you find a homeless octopus?
On squid (skid) row.

From Etta Mochel:
What would you have if everyone in the US bought a pink VW?
A pink carnation.

What do you call a masked man and his faithful dinosaur companion?
The Lone Ranger & Bronto.

What's Dracula's favourite sport?
Casketball.