I am a bus driver for high school kids. It is
Christmas time and the kids all gave me cards and presents. Now
I'm thinking, "Man, I must be a good driver and the kids
even like me."
I opened the cards when I got home. On the inside of one card it said: "Thanks for not killing us yet. We really appreciate it."
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa
asked the usual question, "And what would you like for
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
A 4-year-old boy was asked to give the meal
blessing before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their
heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all
his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for
Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his
aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He
gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the
cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of
holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the
handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her.The lady
looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm.... That's
When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."
Ways to Confuse Santa Claus
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad
and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few
While he's in your house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled."
While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'd mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the commercials come on.
As goofy George had a habit of giving his wife
strange Christmas gifts, she was not surprised when he came one
night carrying a tiny, branchless tree. Attached to a lone limb
was a shotgun shell.
"All right, George," said his wife, truly stumped this time.
"What is it?"
"Why, honey." George smiled, "it's a cartridge in a bare tree."
"May I speak to the person in charge of gift
"Sorry, she's all tied up!"
One Christmas Eve Santa Claus decided to give his
reindeer a vacation. In their place, he got eight monkeys to pull
the sleigh. The names of the monkeys were Do, Re, Fa, So, La, Ti,
"What about Mi?"
All right, you can pull the sleigh, too!
Webpage Design © Mike McQueen
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