I am a bus driver for high school kids. It is Christmas time and the kids all gave me cards and presents. Now I'm thinking, "Man, I must be a good driver and the kids even like me."
I opened the cards when I got home. On the inside of one card it said: "Thanks for not killing us yet. We really appreciate it."

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas ?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

A 4-year-old boy was asked to give the meal blessing before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her.The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm.... That's funny.

When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."

Ways to Confuse Santa Claus

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in your house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled."

While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'd mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the commercials come on.

As goofy George had a habit of giving his wife strange Christmas gifts, she was not surprised when he came one night carrying a tiny, branchless tree. Attached to a lone limb was a shotgun shell.

"All right, George," said his wife, truly stumped this time.
"What is it?"
"Why, honey." George smiled, "it's a cartridge in a bare tree."

"May I speak to the person in charge of gift wrap?"
"Sorry, she's all tied up!"

One Christmas Eve Santa Claus decided to give his reindeer a vacation. In their place, he got eight monkeys to pull the sleigh. The names of the monkeys were Do, Re, Fa, So, La, Ti, and Do.
"What about Mi?"
All right, you can pull the sleigh, too!

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho's.

Q: What do you get from sitting on the snow too long? A: Polaroids!

Q: What do you call a Christmas blowjob? A: Egg noggin.

Christmas Pick-up Lines

Are you Christmas, because I want to Merry you.

Let's both be naughty this year and save Santa the trip.

Is your name Jingle Bells, cause you look like you go all the way Can I take a picture of you, so I can show santa exactly what I want for Christmas.

If your left leg was thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I come visit you between the holidays?
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?

If i was the Grinch, I wouldn't steal Christmas. I'd steal you.

You know I would love to show you the toys my elves make for adults.

How about I slip down your chimney, at half past midnight?

Wanna meet Santa's little helper?

What do you say we make this a Not-so-Silent Night?

Girl if you come to my house on Black Friday, all clothes will be 100 percent off.

Believe me if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows!

Screw the nice list, I've got you on my "nice and naughty list!

That's not a candy cane in my pocket. I'm just glad to see you!

My best toys run on batteries Hey Cutie ever do it in a sleigh?

I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready. Santa's lap isn't the only place wishes come true.

Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)

If you jingle my bells I'll promise you a white christmas.

Webpage Design © Mike McQueen
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