Date: Fri, 15 May 1998

Title: "Saying Goodbye"
Author: tyger1013
Rating: PG
Classification: SA
Spoilers: Emily
Keywords: Mulder/Scully friendship
Summary: Mulder learns a lesson in acceptance during a break from work.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Ten Thirteen Productions. This is
just for fun! No money will be made off of this story.
Archive: Yes, but don't change anything, keep my name attached, and
please let me know if you send it anywhere.
Thanks to Ashlea for reading this over!

Let me know what you think...PLEASE e-mail me!!
Please...tyger1013@hotmail.com

The snow crumbled quietly under his feet as he deeply breathed in the
crisp winter air blending with the sweet smoke from the cabin's chimney.
He felt peaceful, and headed toward the forest where he and his sister
used to play during the Christmas holidays he spent here as a child. He
touched the trunk of a pine tree heavy with snow, and it brought him
back to long days spent playing games, hiding high in the branches of
the old pine, listening to Samantha whining, "Fox, can we stop? I hate
hide and go seek...I can never find you....Fox!" After a while the boy
gave in and climbed down the tree to meet his sister.

"No fair! How am I supposed to find you way up there?"

Mulder could hear her voice, feel her give him a hard punch on the
shoulder.

He suddenly realised he had stopped breathing and was taken back to the
present, becoming aware of the salty tears stinging his eyes. Sullenly,
he headed back for the cabin.

He arrived to hear the sound of his cell phone ringing. Surprised, he
picked it up and answered.

"Mulder."

"Hi, it's me," Scully answered.

"Oh, hi."

Hearing the strain in her partner's voice, Scully paused, thinking of
what to say. "I just called to let you know the judge gave Matthews a
life sentence with no parole...are you alright?"

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine...it's nice to come up here for some time off."

Scully knew he was lying. "Mulder...you sound like you've been
crying...I just..."she trailed off, not knowing how to finish that
sentence.

Heavy silence.

"Mulder? You there?"

"Uh, yeah," a voice answered weakly.

"What's wrong?"

Not wanting to worry Scully, he almost told her he had a cold, but
something made him tell the truth. "I just...just was wandering out in
the woods and I remembered how Samantha and I used to--" His voice
broke, and he tried to regain his composure, but Scully had heard
enough.

"Mulder, can I come up there for a little bit?"

"Uh...no, Scully, I'll be okay. You don't need--"

"Mulder, please?"

He paused in thought, then let out a sigh of defeat. "Okay, Scully," he
conceded, knowing he could not win a fight when Scully was in this mode.
He smiled at his partner's annoying but pleasantly familiar tone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Driving down the nearly deserted road, Scully listened to her radio,
trying to keep herself from worrying. Mulder had finally agreed to take
a vacation after much convincing from Skinner. Reluctantly, he had
decided to visit the old cabin that his mother still owned. Scully
thought it would be good for him to get away, take some time off for
once in his life...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

A hard knock made its way through the thick oak front door. After some
time it opened, revealing a worn and tired looking Mulder, a soft
flannel shirt hanging loosely from his thin frame.

"Hi, Scully."

Scully studied his dishevelled appearance as she stepped in the door.

"I'll get that for you." Mulder grabbed her bags and took them upstairs
to his parents' old bedroom.

"You're letting ME have the big room?," she teased.

Mulder looked at her blankly. "What use would I have for a big bed?"
He motioned downstairs, and Scully remembered he always slept on the
couch if one was availaable.

They traveled downstairs and Mulder started some coffee which would
never be touched. They went to the couch and sat down.

"Now, Mulder, why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

A sudden flush heated his face, and he looked gloomily at the floor. He
found his feet the easiest thing to focus on.

"Mulder--" she put her hand on his knee. "You can tell me."

His gaze remained fixed on his feet. "Uh...I just...miss Samantha...I
was out in the forest and remembered when we'd all come here at
Christmas...and I want her back...I want to find her, but I--" he
stopped suddenly, and Scully could see the stubborn resolve in his face.
She could tell he was holding something back, and the shameful redness
that rose in his face told her of his guilty feelings.

"Mulder, just tell me."

He remained in his stubborn expression. "I'm tired, Scully. I'm so
bad, Scully, I--"

She cut him off at that phrase. Scully simply was not going to allow
Mulder this self-blaming fit. "Mulder, you are NOT a bad person...If
you don't stop doing this to yourself--" She couldn't finish because of
the wave of anger that flooded quickly over her. She hated it when he
did this. He always blamed himself for everything. It made her so
angry...she had to resist the urge to stand up and lecture him like she
often did. She could tell that that was not what he needed this time.

"I'm sorry, Scully."

<God, if I hear those words one more time...> "Mulder, there's nothing
to be sorry about...what were you going to say?" She tried to hide her
anger , knowing it would only make him feel worse. She watched him
continue to stare at the floor.

"I don't want to look for her anymore, Scully...I don't...I wish..." He
trailed off, not able to complete the dreaded phrase even in his mind.
He felt her calming hand lightly rubbing his back. She was waiting
patiently for him to finish. The warm touch told him she would not
condemn him for his thoughts.

"I wish she were dead."

He heard himself say the words before he knew what he was doing.

<Oh, God...What did I say?...How could I say that? Oh, God...I'm such a
selfish bastard...I'm...I can't look at her...I want to disappear...I
have to get out of here.>

Scully felt her eyes moisten as she saw the shame cover his face. He
suddenly stood up and began to run off, but she stopped him, grabbing
the end of his shirt sleeve. Then, knowing Mulder, she quickly got a
better grip, around his wrist. He pulled hard, but, expecting his
resistance, she had a death grip on him. She could feel the tension in
his wrist as he helplessly clenched his fists as tight as he could.

"Let me go, Scully" he muttered through clenched teeth.

"No, Mulder. I'm not going to let you run off into your own little
world and hate yourself and blame youself for everything. Not this
time. I've watched it happen too many times." The reslove in her voice
was clear.

<No, Scully. I'm going to break...I can't...I can't let you see me like
this, and I can't let you make me feel better...It's my fault. I don't
deserve...No. No. No.>

Knowing she had won, Scully loosened her grip on her partner's wrist.
Ran her fingers down to his clenched fist, got his hand to loosen so she
could hold it.

She pulled him down to sit on the couch again. His jaw had relaxed
some, causing some of the pain to leak through into his eyes. He
quickly looked away from her.

"Mulder. It's not wrong. It's not wrong to want that...to want that
closure. You've been chasing her all your life. Everything you do
centers around finding her...You've given up yourself, Mulder.
Everything for her. You have to have some identity, some peace..." She
could tell he was at least hearing her, but he still looked away. She
reached to turn his face toward her. He still avioded her eyes.
"Mulder, look at me. Please" She remembered when she had refused to
admit her fear after Donnie Pfaster and how she hadn't given into her
feelings until Mulder made her look into his eyes.

He reluctantly raised his eyes to meet hers.

"It's not your fault. You can't save evrybody. IT'S
NOT-YOUR-RESPONSIBILITY," she emphasised. "It's okay to want it to end,
Mulder. It's okay to let her go." She saw the tears burn in his eyes
and watched him struggle to stop them.

<No, I can't cry. It's my fault. I cant let go of this. I can't ..I
can't want her gone. That's so bad. I can't>

He felt her hand softly trace his ear and stroke his face.

<No. No. I won't-->

"Mulder, stop fighting. Just stop."

He broke then. Broke into a thousand pieces. He fell into her lap
sobbing violently. She tried her best to soothe him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scully returned with two mugs of hot chocolate and a wet washrag, handed
one of the mugs to Mulder and sat down close to him. She used the rag
to wipe the tears away from his tender face. She held it to his cheek,
and he sighed with its comforting coolness. She put the rag on the
table and they sat a few minutes, blowing on the steaming drink and
taking careful sips.

"I felt a little like that with Emily," she offered. "I loved her so
much. I wanted her to live, to grow up with me...I wanted her so
badly...but I couldn't. I had to make a choice. I knew I might be able
to save her life if I sent her back to her old doctor. But I also felt
that would be worse for her...I held the decision of her life or death
in my hands...but I had to let her go, Mulder. I had to. For her and
for me. Because by holding on I would have made her suffer...and I
probably would have ended up killing my own soul...trying so desparately
to control everything. I felt guilty, but I knew I had to do it for our
sanity. It didn't mean I didn't love her. You can let go of someone
and still love them. You can let go of someone BECAUSE you love them."
She turned to him, taking in his ambivalant expression. She lightly
stroked the back of his neck.

He felt something release inside of him, felt hot tears burning his
cheeks.

<God, it hurts so bad. I feel so stripped, so scared...>

"Hold me," he let himself whimper in a childlike voice as he leaned into
her warm arms and rested his head comfortably on her soft breast. And
finally...he let it go. All of it. All of the guilt and fear and pain
and desparate subbornness, all of the hate and despair and hopelessness.
He didn't want it anymore, didn't need it anymore. He had finally had
enough. He cried and sobbed and clung tightly to his friend.

Scully held him tenderly, stroking his back,his hair, rocking him gently
as he let himself go in her arms. She kissed his head softly and
rested her cheek in his soft hair, feeling him trembling. "It's okay.
Let it go, honey."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Late that afternoon, when he had calmed down, he sat up and then got up
from the couch. He took Scully's hand.

"Come with me," he asked.

She followed. He came to the door and they put on their coats and
shoes. Mulder took her hand again and led her out the door and through
the snow. They kept the silence betwen them, not needing to speak.
They could feel the warmth connecting them through their hands.

The snow crunched rhythmically under their feet. The cold air made
Mulder feel lighter.

He stopped at a large tree. Felt a soft,cold thud on his head as a
clump of snow fell from the delicate pine needles and into his hair.
With his free hand he traced the rough tree bark, remembered the happy
times he spent with his sister. They stood quietly together for a long
time as silent tears ran down Mulder's face, which was bright red with
the cold. He sighed once and then said the words. The words that would
release him from the hell he had made for himself.

"Goodbye, Samantha. I love you."

That was all he said, and Scully squeezed his hand supportively and
waited with him a few more moments. Then he walked back with her to the
cabin, enjoying the moments between them that needed no words.

They reached the cabin, and he wandered upstairs into his old bedroom..
he undressed, pulled back the sheets and climbed in. <In a BED...>, he
marveled to himself, surprised. Scully tucked him in, smoothed his dark
hair back. She smiled warmly at him, and he really meant the smile he
returned.

"Goodnight, Mulder," she whispered as she gently kissed his forehead.

"Goodnight, Scully," he murmured as he closed his eyes and settled in to
rest. Scully switched off the lamp and walked quietly out of the room.
As she was pulling the door closed, Mulder's voice stopped her.

"Scully?"

"Yeah." She paused.

He sighed a relieved breath. "I love you, Scully."

She smiled in the dark. "I love you too, Mulder." And she quietly shut
the door, leaving it cracked a little.

And he slept. All night. No nightmares. For the first time since that
night 25 years ago.

<Goodbye, Samantha.>

About the story: This is something I wish Mulder could do for himself
before "The X-Files" ends..."wish" being the key word here. I don't
think he will ever get to this place...Although I like to torture him,
in my heart I wish that in the very end, he could let go of the things
that he tortures himself with.

PLEASE email me! tyger1013@hotmail.com