by: Willa Dedalus

Disclaimer: C.C owns Mulder. The two nimrod agents are mine.
The song "So sister", belongs to The Verve.
Note to Susan Proto : I just keep doing this to you! Good thing you
love me huh? tehe
Setting: After Ascension
References to : Pilot, Squeeze, Little Green Men.
Rating :UST
Dedicated to: Sarah Kate Benton, she is the greatest thing since
sliced bread.
Summary: Mulder's yearning for Scully during her disappearance takes a
different path than even he had expected.

"Where's the writer? I wanna speak to the writer." Mulder in PMP

"Was it a vision, or a waking dream? Fled is that music : -- Do I wake
or sleep?"
--John Keats

"Your favorite cop show is NYPD Blue? How can you watch such
melodramatic crap?" Agent Tony Miles asked Agent Evan Spencer. "Okay, so grace me with your superior knowledge, what is your ideal cop show?" Agent Spencer shot back to his partner driving the car. He was still a little 'spooked' that Agent Mulder had called shotgun before him. I mean this was his partner, their case. The problems they had been having solving it, didn't mean the bureau needed to call in Agent Mulder. Actually Evan
was not only annoyed but nervous about this interruption in their
serial profile.

Mulder was some kind of god he kept hearing from the whispers in the
hallways. However, he had never heard anybody who was made fun of more than the sleeping man in the front passengers seat.

"Evan?" Tony asked his partner with a growl in already rough voice.

"What?" He responded not having realized his name was being called
till now. The hardest thing about being a rookie agent, was being a rookie
agent.

So far, he would rather work with Mulder, in all his weirdness then
his assigned partner. Although, he never planned on revealing that to anybody. He had a career to protect.

"I was telling you how Miami Vice is the best and most accurate police
show ever allowed onto TV, but I guess I was boring you," Tony said
sarcastically. He stopped the car at the stop sign and casually glanced to his left, noticing the addition to his team was asleep. The demi god called Mulder was the last thing seasoned Agent Miles wanted to deal with at this time in place. In the last 2 weeks, he had been assigned a new partner, an
impossible case, and now, "The Spookster." A feeling of pure jealousy
rippled throughout Tony's mind, if he had half the talents Mulder had, he sure as hell won't waste them on the X-files. However, he would never admit he held this misfit in such esteem.

When Mulder had climbed into the dark gray Taurus he was now riding
in, all he wanted to do was sleep. However, he knew that was probably to good to be true. To him sleep, true rest was like forbidden fruit. He didn't mind, especially now that Scully was missing, he just figured he didn't deserve the break. Somehow though his exhaustion had taken a hold of him, and he had fallen asleep listening to the two other FBI agent's
pointless conversation. His last thoughts were about Scully, and how
much he missed her. How deeply he missed her. Even if he had someone to tell his thoughts to, he won't.

Scully was gone, therefore he would suffer alone. For once he
managed to sleep a few precious hours without dreaming. Or so he thought when he was awaken by another of Agent Miles and Agent Spencer's arguments over TV. The radio had been turned on since he had drifted off. His surroundings suggested to him they were doing everything possible to make him uncomfortable. Then again he did have a habit of being paranoid.
Well, they had a very easy job since he was already more than
uncomfortable. Since he didn't want them to know he was awake, he kept his eyes closed. The sunlight chose this moment to beat down on him, and instead of feeling warm, it felt accusing. A sudden wave of nausea and guilt spread over him as he remembered his dream. However, his
mind didn't need to repeat the details of his dream for him, the song
on the radio saved him the trouble.

I wrote your name in dust on a truck as it rolled out of town
just in the hope that my love for you might be found
I cried my tears in a mountain stream
they'll sting you one day
I called your name in a giant cave
it echoes to this day
So sister your hearing how I miss her
but I don't think that she's hearing my calls
so sister your hearing how I miss her
but I don't think that she's hearing my calls
no I don't think I am helping my cause
I wrote our names on a subway wall
just in case you come
I rent a room and its just for two
but where are you?
so sister your hearing how I miss her
but I don't think that she is hearing my calls
so sister your hearing how I miss her
but I don't think that I am helping my cause
no I don't think that it's helping my cause
no I don't think that I am helping my cause
no I don't think that I am helping my cause
so sister your hearing how I miss her
but I don't think she's hearing my calls
so sister I need to be with her
but I don't think she's hearing my calls
no I don't think that I am helping my cause
no I don't think that I am helping my cause

The depth of his sorrow was almost funny, at the very least ironic.
He felt an all time low sitting there. In his dream he had been telling his sister about losing Scully. Then in the song, just as he was awakening to consciousness a man's voice spoke to his sister about losing, 'her.' Fox Mulder felt so powerless and alone in the world he was praying to his sister for the safe return of his partner. His own mind was suggesting he
had no one to turn to but the phantom of his 8 year old sister lost 22
years ago. The real problem though was that Samantha had been eclipsed by a different woman. Mulder wasn't searching for his sister with his partner, he was telling his sister how he missed his partner. On their first case he remembered telling Scully about his sister and how, "Nothing else matters to me." However, Scully's loyalty and unexpected but desired support had found its place in his heart, and therefore his quest had changed. Since Scully's disappearance, he had not even tried to find a lead on his sister. He had worked ceaselessly on leads for his partner though. When this case was over
her mother had asked him if would like him to met her to pick out a tombstone. She couldn't be dead.

Dana Scully was to alive in his heart. All though he had thought that
before, about his sister. Now, all of his beliefs were muddled. His reverse loyalty made him feel very guilty, Samantha should come first, she still needed his help. However, he reminded himself the x-files were closed. Although he wasn't on wire taping anymore, this assignment was just as mundane. The longing for Scully he felt all of a sudden only increased with each breath he took. He thought about the short time they had spent
together. 'Isn't it nice to be suddenly so highly regarded' he had
told her sarcastically on their first case. Their first case, he could feel the tears in his eyes swelling when he thought of it. He probably shouldn't have slugged Tom Colton last week. The reason they had shipped him back to VCU now was that he had lost his temper with that asshole. He never knew what Scully said to him to shut him up, after the Tooms case. Something
must have happened to piss Colton off royally. "Perhaps all that
happened was she had chosen to stay with me," he thought to himself. The only comfort he had left, was himself. After the x-files were closed when they returned from Puerto Rico, he had told Scully, "I still have my work, I still have you, and I still have myself." Now that his list had been drastically shortened. He couldn't take wisecracks at Scully's expense, she was part of him. When Colton had said, "Spooky, where's Scully? Oh yeah
you got her killed, seems like you just don't have good luck with women, Mulder." Why was it easier for human nature to condemn rather than accept?
Scully had never judged him, she had accepted him who he was. She represented a landmark in his life.

He didn't have to yearn his sister's affection, or high opinion.
Mulder had to earn Scully's opinion, he had to convince her to stay with him. His photographic memory just kept spewing out things he missed now that she was gone from his life. The digging out of these memories was like digging in a mine. "My mind's mine," he thought to himself and laughed at the double meaning of the word mine. At this moment he wasn't so sure his
mind was his own, it felt as though he was a puppet being controlled.
The thoughts bouncing off the walls colliding into each other, producing new worries, in addition to the echoing old ones. Somehow though hope found a way through his thoughts. He knew she would hear his call and come back to him. Mulder paused, and for the first time opened his eyes. The two agents in the car took little notice of his arrival into consciousness. This was a very welcome feeling, they could have just snickered at him, but they hadn't. Well, they hadn't yet, his mind corrected him.

Mulder's eyes glanced out the window at the sun shining on him from
above. The song still reeling in his mind made him feel dumb with heartache. However, the rays of sunshine changed their attitude towards him and seemed to hug him with warmth. Scully was his only ray of sunshine, so he thanked her. Where ever she was, he thanked her for the positive sign. He thanked her for believing in him, for following him, for listening,
and for respecting him, and also most importantly for being who she was.
"What did you say Mulder?" Agents Miles and Spencer said in unison,
they could have sworn they heard him mutter. "Thank you, Scully."

El Fin

"Cleave ever to the sunnier side of doubt,
And cling to Faith beyond the forms of Faith."
--Alfred Lord Tennyson