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"Sea of Fear"

He listened to the familiar muffled padding of his socked feet pacing
the cold wooden floor, felt the heavy silence of his apartment weighing
on his shoulders like an unwanted burden. He was used to the long,
lonely nights that he spent, unable to sleep, sometimes from the
nightmares, sometimes from the worries that plagued his mind. Tonight,
though, he did not want to sleep, did not want to close his eyes and be
taken into the dark world of his memory, for he felt something
frightening tugging at his mind, something that threatened to reveal a
memory lost, one he did not care to remember. His head throbbed with an
aching pain that begged for a release that he dared not allow. This was
the third night he had stayed up, successfully fending off the terror
that he knew would inevidably come once he rested his eyes. It was ten
past midnight, and he felt too tired to keep up his frantic pacing. He
fell into his couch murmuring to himself that he would not allow its
inviting softness lull him into sleep. He yawned, and feeling his heavy
eyes moisten, he could no longer fight himself and drifted into sleep.

He started as he felt someone crawl into bed with him. He whipped his
head around and saw his father. Before he had a chance to ask why he
was there, he felt his father's hand slide into his pajama pants and
underneath his underwear. He gasped and jerked away, only to have his
father grab him by his hair and pull him back close to him. Fox
protested but the warning pull at his head stopped him cold. He felt his
father's cold hands as they touched him, sending a creepy shiver up and
down his spine. Fox cried out, awakening his four-year-old sister in
the bed across from him. Her small head popped up from her pillow,
staring at her big brother's bed in confusion. "Daddy, what are you
doing?," she asked.

"Go back to sleep, Samantha," he said curtly.

She continued to watch her father and saw the movement in Fox's pajamas.
Although she was little, she wasn't stupid, snd she knew what was in
that place. She didn't understand why her daddy would be doing that.
But when she looked at her brother and saw the pain and fear and shame
in his face, she knew that what her father was doing was very wrong.
"Daddy, stop it. You're hurting Fox."

Surprised, she saw her father leap out of the bed and suddenly she felt
his hand squeezing her throat. "If you ever wake up again while I'm in
here, I'll kill your brother."

Tears involuntarily fell from her eyes as she saw her father's sudden
change into a monster. She was terrified and helpless.

He left her and returned to his previous activities with Fox. The boy
felt a rush of intense shame and helplessness as he felt his father's
hand stroking him. He began to cry, but his father cut him off--"Fox,
if you ever wake your sister up again, I will kill her," he whispered
into his terrified son's ear, so softly that he was the only one who
heard it. The hot breath in his ear made Fox shiver with repulsion. He
felt a scream building inside him that he knew he could never release,
strangely knowing that this feeling would visit him every night until he
could leave home. He somehow knew that each night he would feel his
father touching him, having to hold in all of his tears and wimpers and
screams to protect his little sister's life. And he knew that things
would only get worse. He felt his father's breath on the back of his
neck and he wanted to die...The hand moved...

Mulder shot up on his couch, covered in sweat and shaking violently. He
felt a fear so deep that he thought it would suck all the air from his
apartment. He had to get out of there, he had to run...

#############

Scully heard her doorbell and looked hazily at her clock. It read 2:40
AM. She shook some of the sleepiness from her head and rose to answer
the door. She looked through the peephole and saw Mulder's outline, and
she unlocked the door and opened it with concern.

What she saw she had not prepared herself for, had never seen before.
Mulder stood there, broken and limp, hair dishevelled and his flushed
cheeks stained with tears. He was shaking uncontrollably, and had a
pain in his eyes so deep that she had never seen it worn by another
human soul. She finally spoke, stunned. "Mulder, come in," was all her
mouth could manage to say.

As he shuffled past her, she suddenly broke out of her stunned trance.
He stood there, not knowing how to say what he had remembered, not
knowing what to do. She saw his lost look and took his hand, led him to
sit down on the sofa. She didn't say a word, just instinctively pulled
his head to her and wrapped her arms gently around him. As he nestled
his head on her breast, he felt the comfort of being held, of her hand
softly stroking his hair. The caress reached into him deeply and
touched his pain, and he soon found himself sobbing violently in the
warm safety of his partner's arms. She soothed him, speaking to him
softly, holding him as the most tender mother would. She rocked him
slowly, the rhythm tugging gently but firmly at Mulder's pain, causing
him to lose himself completely in his grief.

Eventually he began to calm down, and, still holking him close, Scully
gently asked her partner, "Mulder, what happened?"

Through his sobs, he choked out a few rough words. "I
was...dreaming...and--" He winced with pain as Scully felt his arms
tighten strongly around her waist.

She kissed his head softly and said in a soothing voice, "It's okay,
Mulder. I'm right here. No one is going to hurt you right now. You're
safe." Her voice seemed to calm him, his grip loosining slightly.
"Tell me, honey."

He quickly blurted out the memory that had returned tohim, wanting the
embarrasment to be over as quickly as possible. As Scully heard his
horrific memory, she felt him bury his head deeper in shame and his grip
on her tightened again. She could not understand what had just come
from her partner's strained voice. 'No,' she thought. 'No, this didn't
happen. No. No. I just won't...' and her denial suddenly faded away
as Mulder looked up at her, and all she saw there was the deeply
wounded soul of a little boy. A tear fell from her eye as she realised
the dark reality of what had happened to him. All of the cold
skepticism and doubtful questioning that had dominated her for so many
years slipped away with that one haunting glance.

#################

She laid him down in the bed, pulling the covers over him. "You call me
if you need anything. Now just rest." As she reached to turn off the
bedside lamp, she felt Mulder's hand stop her. She looked back at him.

"Please, Scully. Will you sleep with me tonight?," he asked with
frightened eyes.

"Sure, Mulder," she answered, reaching again to switch off the light.
She was stopped by Mulder's yelp.

"No!" She jumped back, looking at her partner. "Sorry, Scully--I didn't
mean to yell...please...leave the light on."

She brushed his hair back from his eyes and walked round the bed to
climb in next to him. He rested his head on her chest as she held him
and stroked his hair, lulling him to sleep...

She awoke to hear him whimpering in his sleep, then she heard him
mumble..."Samantha...I'm so sorry...please please don't let go of me.
Please don't leave me. I'm so scared...Samanth--" He jerked awake,
soaking wet and trembling with fear. Scully squeezed his hand.

"It's okay, Mulder. I'm right here. You're safe now."

He breathed in short, shallow gasps. She rested her hand on his
forehead, kissed his head. He clung to her tightly. "I remembered more
what...Samantha would alwaays climb in bed with me when it was
over...she'd hold me all night...I felt so safe with her...that was the
only time I could sleep..." His voice trailed off into painful tears of
loss as he realised she was gone...and he remembered what all the nights
were like after that...when she wasn't there to comfort him...when the
things his father did got more terifying and more painful...lying there
alone in the dark in the bed, the sick feeling of hot, sticky liquid
leaking out of him...all alone...no one to hold him, to kiss his tears
away...no one to cry to...no one to...no one to love him...he thought
back to his mother and her coldness toward him, blaming him for his
sister's disappearance. Ignoring his pleading whines to make his father
stop> Telling him to forgive his father, that the man was just under
stress....

"It wasn't your fault, sweetheart," he heard Scully say, realising that
he had been thinking aloud.

He responded only with quiet whimpering, burying his head in her chest
and holding on to her tightly, as if she were going to be taken away,
too.

Scully soothed him and eventually heard his soft breath deepen into the
sweet breath of sleep.

##############

She arrived at Skinner's office alone, the Assistant Director looking up
at her quizzically.

"Where is Agent Mulder?" he asked, annoyed that his agent had decided to
skip out on his meeting.

Agent Scully sat down slowly with a heavy sigh.

"Is something wrong?" he asked with concern.

"Agent Mulder is at my apartment right now. He couldn't come to
work...he is not..." Her voice trailed off.

"Agent Scully, what is going on?"

She hesitated. "He came to my house late last night in terrible
condition...he's...he's having flashbacks to his
childhood...things...things that...terrible memories. I think...he
needs some time off."

Skinner cocked his head with confusion. A soft look of kindness came to
his eyes. He wasn't sure what to say..."Please tell him that he may
take some time off...that I WANT him to take some time off..."

Scully choked back a sob.

############

She returned home to find an empty room. "Mulder?" she asked, looking
around for him. She searched the apartment and couldn't find him.
Scully decided she would change clothes and go look for him. When she
opened her closet she found him there...still in the pajamas she had put
on him the night before, huddled in the back corner of the closet,
shaking all over with terror, a glaze over his eyes. She kneeled down
to meet his eyes.

"Mulder?" she asked, cautiously resting her hand on his shoulder.

His voice did not respond, and neither did the soul trapped behind those
empty and far away eyes.

A tear came to her eyes as she tried to get him to respond to her. She
pulled his fragile frame to her and held him. As her fingers ran
through his hair, a tortured whine came from his throat followed by
intense sobs as he came back to this world. He squeezed her tight.
"I'm so scaredI'm so scared...You weren't hereyouweren't hereyou
weren't--"
She quieted his frenzied murmurs with a soothing "Shhh...I'm here
now...I'm sorry I left you..." She slowly rocked him as she felt his
warm tears on her breast. She felt so helpless. She didn't know what
to do.

##########

Scully tried to distract Mulder by renting some movies. She made
popcorn and flopped on the sofa next to him. He was able to divert
himself for the night, and Scully smiled inside.

###########

She slept with him again tonight, holding him from behind. He felt safe
with her at his back...like Samantha used to do...that way he knew his
father couldn't come up from behind him and surprise him. The warmth of
her breath on his neck calmed him.

"I guess I know now why I always sleep on my sofa," he offeredin a
humourous tone.

Scully squeezed his hand in a quiet response.

##############

The months following were difficult for both Scully and MUlder. After a
couple of weeks, Mulder returned home to sleep alone again on his sofa.
He would be awakened each night with the feeling of his father's hands
still on him...still there...sometimes he would still make his way to
Scully's apartment and sleep in the warm safety of her arms.

Although the memories and nightmares haunted him day and night, and
although he was most often stricken with fear which came for no rational
reason, he felt safer in the world. Because he knew that now there was
someone to hold him at night if he really needed it...there was someone
who loved him and could soothe his pain, if only for a few moments in
the sea of fear that he lived in.

THE END

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