Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998
Title: Risking Everything
Author: Cathleen Faye / Kimerikal@aol.com
Genre: MSR and Angst, Angst, Angst along with big helping of smut.
Rating: NC-17 for sexual content & language.
Spoilers: Events take place during the days of Pine Bluff Variant.
Summary: This is Mulder's story. He & Scully have risked their
lives for the truth, but in the face of his dangerous assignment
in PBV, they must decide if they're willing to risk their hearts too.
___________________________________________________________________

Risking Everything
By Cathleen Faye / kimerikal@aol.com

Thursday, April 30th
2:30 a.m.
Mulder's Apartment

Mulder came awake with a start in the darkness and the
extraordinary dream he'd been having vanished instantly from his
conscious mind. Normally a back sleeper because of the confines
of his couch, he found himself curled up on his stomach in his
bed. He raised his head slightly as he looked across the wide
expanse of his bed realizing that he was alone. Not that this
circumstance was ever unusual in the least and in fact, he'd even
expected to be.
But as his gaze took in the rumpled & twisted condition of the
sheets, the slight intoxicating scent lingering on both them and
his own body reminded him that he'd shared this bed recently. He
laid his head back down as he closed his eyes again, breathing
deep and peacefully reliving the delicate memory.
Long peaceful moments passed as he drifted in & out until ugly
reality began to intrude, pushing the last of the foggy sleep from
his head. Mulder opened his eyes again and turned his head to
glance at the nightstand clock. It was after 2:30 in the morning.
Shit, he had to get his ass moving quickly. He was supposed to
meet Skinner and US Attorney Leamus in about a half-hour. He had
vitally important information to impart about Jacob Haley, August
Bremer and the New Spartan's plans and they were waiting for him.
He pressed against the mattress with his hands to raise himself
up and instantly regretted the thoughtless motion as the sudden
sharp pain slammed up his arm in spite of the splint & bandages on
his left hand. Cursing softly and shifting his weight, he stared
at the splinted finger a moment as he cradled the hand in his
other. Jesus, how could anything so small hurt so damn much he
wondered, feeling for a moment like a big baby. The over-the-
counter painkiller he'd taken a few hours before had long since
worn off. But now that he was no longer pressing directly on the
break, the pain slowly settled back into a low-level ache that was
manageable. He would just need another couple of Ibuprofen to
keep the pain at bay so he could get on with what had to be done.
He sat up in bed absently rubbing his wrists where the leather
restraints that his inquisitors used on him had left the flesh
deeply bruised. He also felt a dull pain from where he'd head-
butted that bald son of a bitch, but Mulder took a mild
satisfaction at that particular ache. He stretched out his arms
to loosen the muscles in his shoulders that now ached again from
having pulled against the restraining straps.
Her touch had soothed his hurt away earlier. Even now, the
memory of it came back so clear. Mulder turned his eyes back to
the empty side of his bed again as he remembered the look of her
skin in the pale moonlight. He could picture it in his mind and
recall the feel of it under both his fingers and tongue. In spite
of Mulder's various aches and pains, there was a new & curious
calmness in his heart and he smiled, feeling somewhat foolish even
as he did so.
Last night had been inevitable; he'd known that from almost the
very beginning, as he suspected she did. In all honesty, the only
variable had really ever been the When and never the If. But had
they created more problems than they'd solved? Big fat scary
risky emotional problems. The kind of risk that each of them had
the last five spent years avoiding for very different reasons and
yet boiled down to the same explanation. Fear.
He wasn't surprised that she wasn't still here when he woke up
and knew that she'd probably even left within minutes after he'd
fallen asleep. She was probably at home right at this moment,
lying awake & wondering if she should try to explain it all away
rationally when they next saw each other.
*If* they laid eyes on each other again, he reminded himself.
Mulder's mind turned to the immediate problems standing before
him and his mood darkened as he moved his full focus back to
them. Yesterday on the phone and later during his interrogation,
he'd told Haley that he was risking everything. But it was only
now that he realized just what risking everything really meant to
him.
He got up and began to prepare for his meeting with Skinner &
Leamus.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Wednesday, April 29th
5 a.m.
New Spartan Compound

At first, the torture applied by Haley's associate hadn't
caused Mulder to cower as they'd hoped - quite the opposite in
fact. Instead, the driving pain had released a rage that surged
through his body. He pulled violently against the restraints and
the only thing he wanted out of life at that moment was to kill
the Nazi bastard who smiled with such smug satisfaction at having
caused his pain.
As it went on, Mulder was finding it hard to concentrate and he
fought down the rising panic knowing that keeping his head was the
only thing that would keep him alive. By hanging on to his wits,
he finally managed to toss out the bone that ultimately saved his
life; the idea that Haley had a mole in his own group.
Mulder saw the quicksilver change in Haley's eyes and knew that
he'd become useful again. Haley thought he could help him find
the mole, someone that Mulder had the feeling that Haley already
suspected. But even so, Haley still nodded to the man who had the
iron grip on Mulder's hand to finish the job.
The sickening snap of the stressed bone when it finally gave
way to the relentless pressure had seemed as loud as a gunshot in
Mulder's ears and mercifully, he passed out for just a few moments
as the heat flush wave of pain shot through him. When he came to
again, he was alone but still tethered to the table. It took him
a few seconds to regroup and refocus.
This wasn't just another militia gathering illegal arms. These
people had a weapon far more lethal than any gun cache. A weapon
of war that could control by fear alone and they were fucking
insane. His first thought, long ingrained by habit, was that he
needed to get word to Scully somehow the second he got the hell
out of here. It actually took him a moment to remember that he
couldn't call her, even if he had the opportunity. He couldn't
call Scully. Jesus Christ. He couldn't call Scully.
When they noticed that he'd come around, Haley returned to the
table and continued to question him at length and in detail about
the federal reserve schedules which Mulder truthfully had little
knowledge of but promised to find out. But it was soon apparent
that what Haley was far more interested in was whatever FBI
surveillance records he could get on August Bremer, the man he was
hoping to replace as leader of the New Spartans. It became a
pattern; they would question him, leave him alone for a while come
back and the questioning would begin again. The same questions
over and over and it went on for hours.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Wednesday, April 29th
9 a.m.
Dulles Airport, Washington DC

At the same time that Mulder was being interrogated at the New
Spartan compound, Scully had boarded an early morning flight to
Ohio, traveling with A.D. Skinner. It was a fairly short flight,
but it seemed endless. She'd had no sleep and it seemed so
strange to be working or traveling with anyone other than her
partner. She respected Skinner, she trusted him as much as she
trusted someone who wasn't Mulder. But he wasn't Mulder and that
was the problem.
Scully sighed deeply and rubbed her eyes as she tried to
concentrate on the file in her lap. She was relieved that Skinner
had finally chosen to tell her the truth. Of course, she'd given
him little choice by her actions. Now she knew now that Mulder
was on a deep cover assignment. One that he hadn't sought out or
chosen for himself, but one that she knew he'd see through to its
end. But now she was even more apprehensive than she'd been
yesterday when she'd merely had suspicions that she refused to
believe in. In many ways the truth was worse.
More importantly though, she finally understood why Mulder
hadn't been able to look her in the eyes when he'd always been
able to do so with such disconcerting ease.
Her initial anger at both Mulder & Skinner for being left in
the dark had passed. Skinner had his orders from higher up and
he'd told her that he'd "advised" Mulder not to tell her. In
Skinner-Speak that was the same thing as a direct order.
Not that Mulder had ever been overly concerned with obeying
direct orders, but God help her, she knew how is his mind worked.
He was protecting her reputation and her career in case it all
went bad. She understood Mulder's motivations just as she knew
that Leamus had used her perpetrate the deception, to make the lie
more believable.
She'd taken an instant dislike to Leamus the minute she &
Mulder had been asked to join the task force that she now knew to
be a bogus. Something wasn't right about all of this. She
couldn't place any hard evidence to her feelings - they were
simply there and she believed them to be true. Just as deep in
her heart she'd known that what had *seemed* to be the truth about
Mulder couldn't possibly be right and that she couldn't possibly
have been so wrong about him.
She smiled a little, knowing that Mulder would be amused to
discover that she was placing so much validation in her instincts.
She didn't often share these feelings with him. She was the
rational one. Although, over the course of last year, Mulder had
seemingly abandoned many of his old beliefs, just as she was
beginning to grasp on to some of them herself. It was as though
they'd blended together and come out separate again on the other
side, yet another twist in their already convoluted lives. The
only constant seemed to ever be each other and their mutually
tacit feelings.
Scully gazed out the window at the clouds. Ohio was only a
couple hours flight time away from DC and they would return that
afternoon, but she didn't like being so far from Mulder at this
critical time. God, she thought suddenly, he didn't even know
that she knew the truth now.
The chimes sounded, telling her that the plane was getting
ready to land. She had to shake off her concerns and concentrate
on the matters before her. Right now, she knew the best way she
could help Mulder was to solve the mystery of this bio-toxin and
how it was transmitted. She would see Mulder tonight. Tonight
she would tell him that she knew. Tonight she would tell him that
he wasn't alone in this anymore.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Wednesday, April 29th
3 p.m.
New Spartan Compound

Mulder had realized hours ago that these bastards did not
intend to kill him. Not while there was the slightest possibility
that he might be able to help them accomplish their goals. But
that wasn't going to stop them from fucking with him. He knew
part of that game was screwing with his head, keeping him off
balance and trying to trip him up. He couldn't see his watch
because the leather strap covered it, but the light filtering into
the building indicated it was afternoon.
Finally, their interrogations seemed to be over, their
questions answered and his allegiance to them seemingly secured in
their minds. For now. Haley came over the table and ordered one
of the men to release him. He told Mulder to return to the hotel
tomorrow with the information. With that, the hood went back over
his head then he was driven back to the hotel and dumped off.
At his first opportunity, he called Skinner and got his
assistant where he found that the A.D. and Scully had been
summoned out of town on an emergency that morning and were not
expected back until late that afternoon. Shit, he couldn't call
Skinner's cell phone directly because if Scully was with him, he
wouldn't be able to talk. During the course of this
investigation, he'd arranged to meet privately with Skinner &
Leamus by leaving a seemingly innocuous message that only Skinner
knew how to translate into the proper time & place. Mulder left a
message that would arrange a 3am meeting that night.
Exhausted and in pain, Mulder then drove the 120 miles from
Angola, Delaware back to his apartment in Alexandria. His hand
throbbed unmercifully and he tried to keep it elevated as best he
could and still drive. He seriously considered stopping at
Scully's for help. But she might not be back yet and more
importantly, he wouldn't be able to explain how he'd received the
injury without causing even more problems between them. Scully was
a lot of things, but stupid had never been on the list. With all
that she suspected already, there was no way she'd buy into any
lame-ass excuse he could come up with.
Scully believed him to be dirty - he could see it in her face
and the knowledge nearly killed him. During the last week in the
few moments that he'd even been able to meet her eyes, he'd seen
such disquiet, such questioning. The charade was necessary; it
was necessary for his safety, her safety and the success of
assignment. Skinner had been right about insisting that only he &
Leamus know he was deep undercover. If things went bad, they
would deny all knowledge of the whole matter. They would continue
the lie and to the world it would all just appear that Spooky
Mulder had finally completely lived up to his reputation. But
he'd tried to make sure that Scully wouldn't be tainted by his
fall from grace. He was betting his life on pulling this off, but
if he didn't, he wasn't going to drag Scully down too.
But God, lying to Scully was just about the hardest thing he'd
ever had to do. It turned out to be even harder than he'd thought
because, Goddamn it, he cared what she thought of him.
For many years, Mulder hadn't given a damn about much except
his own personal quest. He believed what he believed and he
didn't give a shit what any of them thought of him, his methods or
his convictions. He'd gotten the dirty jobs done and the cases
solved even if the price he paid was that he lost a little more of
his soul with each one. If the rest of the conventional world
thought him Spooky, he didn't care.
When Scully had first joined him years ago, he'd fought the
idea of her. The story he told himself was that he'd done just
fine without her, didn't need her and certainly didn't care what
she thought. But much to his own consternation as his respect,
and then his love, for her grew he discovered that he cared deeply
what she thought of him. He found that his solitary days were
soon over and while he'd found a true companion & equal in his
journey, he also now searched for legitimacy in her eyes. He
quietly sought her respect, her approval and her belief even.
And now here he was, risking the only relationship in his life
that he really gave a damn about for this assignment. He was
systemically crushing all that he'd gained with her during their
years together and killing all the trust she'd given him - all the
trust that he'd earned. Even if he succeeded, he didn't know if
he'd ever be able to fully repair the damage between them.
But even harder to look at was the knowledge that if he failed,
he might even die knowing that Scully would believe that she'd
placed her trust in the wrong man.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Wednesday, April 29th
5:30 p.m.
Dulles Airport, Washington D.C.

Scully closed her eyes as the plane descended into Dulles
airport. However, when she did so, she saw again the horror in
that small movie theatre in Gables Corner, Ohio so she opened them
again. She glanced over at Skinner and saw that he was staring
resolutely out the window, no doubt that his thoughts were walking
the same path as hers.
Upon reaching Gables Corner, they'd conferred with the local
HazMat team where they were given the all clear to enter the
theatre. As they'd wandered the aisles, she felt sickened in her
heart as she looked at the hideous remains of human beings.
Scully had long since become inured to sight & smells of the dead,
but something about this particular setting was very disturbing to
her, more so than usual. There was a difference between examining
a body on a cold & clinical table in a lab and seeing these
people, quite literally cut down where they'd sat in such an
ordinary and mundane setting. These people had simply gone to the
movies as people did on any given night in Middle America.
They'd once had loved ones, hopes & dreams. Probably nothing
big, nothing dramatic and yet they'd become pawns in an evil game.
A group of strangers decided that they were expendable and had
taken their lives without a second thought or backward glance.
But not only had they crushed the lives of the people here in this
theatre, but they'd also stolen some of the soul from the people
who'd loved these victims. The lives of these 14 people touched
dozens of others and all would be affected by this grisly act.
God, these bastards were capable of anything. There was
nothing left of human compassion among them if they could do this.
Her heart constricted as she thought of Mulder in the middle of
this depravity. He was moving among the center of men who could
kill like this without warning, without reason. Men who saw only
their own twisted cause and viewed all others as merely obstacles
to their goals.
She'd looked up to find Skinner staring at the bodies with the
same look of horror that she knew she wore. Feeling her gaze he
looked up and met her eyes. He nodded just slightly and she knew
the same thoughts were passing through his mind. The
responsibility of stopping this evil lay at their feet. Please
God help them all be up to the task.
As Scully had wandered the rows looking at each decomposing
body, she was reminded again fragile her own existence was and how
it could turn on a heartbeat. She thought about how every person
here had probably been, at their essence, little different from
herself and she couldn't help but wonder how many of them died
with words left unsaid or actions not taken. It had happened to
them without warning. Just as it could happen to her and Mulder.
Scully's thoughts returned to the present as the plane made a
smooth landing just as darkness began to fall on the nation's
capital and she felt a welcome warmth & longing in her heart.
Tonight she would see Mulder again.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Wednesday, April 29th
7 p.m.
Mulder's Apartment

Mulder finally reached home. As he entered his apartment, he
was nearly startled into a heart attack when he suddenly heard
Scully's voice in the darkness of his apartment.
He turned and saw the one person he wanted to see the most and
the least in the world tonight as she stepped into the soft light
from the street lamp outside. He'd kept up his belligerent
defense until it became apparent that Scully knew everything. God
bless him, Skinner had told her although he wasn't sure if he
should be grateful or angry with the A.D. But even so, Mulder
felt such a flood of relief that he almost went weak with it
though he'd covered it as best he could.
When she saw his hand, Scully went into her full Doctor mode,
sitting him on the couch and getting an ice pack for his shattered
finger. She sat down on the coffee table opposite him as he told
her about what had happened to him and all that he knew so far
about Haley and the man called August Bremer. Tomorrow he would
know what more they wanted from him but for right now all he could
do was wait for their next move. Scully listened intently and
told him all about Ohio, about the horrors she had seen there,
about what these men were capable of. It had been a dark &
emotional day for both of them it seemed.
But even so, he felt strangely elated as he felt Scully's
gentle hand under his, supporting it as she held the ice in place
with the other. She was back at his side. The last week had been
one of the most miserable in his life and from the look on her
face, he suspected that it had been that way for her too. God,
he'd missed her more than he thought possible and amazingly, she
didn't even seem terribly pissed off that he hadn't told her the
whole story. He wondered what had driven the A.D. to finally tell
her himself after practically ordering him not to.
"Did you finally go to Skinner with your doubts about me - is
that how you found out?" he asked finally after a few moments of
silence between them.
Scully looked up, a little hurt for a brief moment by his
assumption that she might have done such a thing. But she saw no
accusation in Mulder's eyes, just curiosity. She had to admit it
was a fair question. Just as he'd given her good reason to be
suspicious, she given him reason to think she might have gone to
Skinner with those suspicions.
She shook her head slightly. "No. When you didn't give me the
answers I asked for, I followed you to that motel in Angola. Then
I was on the road behind you when I was cut off and hauled back in
to the U.S. Attorney's office. That's when Skinner and Leamus
told me how Haley's group had approached you. That's when they
finally told me everything." Scully smiled a little, "I guess
they figured it would be the path of least resistance."
Mulder couldn't help but smile a bit in return as he nodded.
He should have known that she'd get at the truth one way or
another he thought with both pride & relief. Dana Scully didn't
take any shit from anyone, least of all him. But the smile faded
as quickly as it arrived "I wanted to tell you, Scully," he said
softly.
His husky tone sounded like an apology, which caught her off-
guard. Mulder was not given to making apologies - even when they
were due and deserved and she nodded her acceptance of it.
But Mulder wasn't done; he needed her to know it all. "I hated
that you thought I would have fallen in with those bastards - what
you believed about me." He paused a moment then went the whole
nine-yards. "I hated what I saw in your eyes when you looked at
me."
Scully was taken aback by his tone despondent tone. As she
looked into his eyes she was amazed to realize that he was deeply
concerned about what she'd thought and was looking for reassurance
that she'd forgiven him for his lies. Every once in a while
Mulder could still surprise her. Strangely touched, she looked
down and busied herself with fussing with the ice pack for a few
moments as she chose her words. She supposed that he thought that
she might assume the worst about him simply because virtually
everyone else in his life always had.
God, people were so wrong about him. All the ones that didn't
know him as she did; the ones who called him egocentric, arrogant
& selfish. Yes, he could be all of those things. But that was
just the top deflective layer and a very thin layer at that -
there was so much still underneath. If he was branded a traitor,
there would be plenty of people at the FBI who would nod their
head oh-so-knowingly and profess that they always "knew" something
was up with Spooky Mulder.
But they didn't know shit. They had no idea. When she lay
dying in the hospital before her cancer went into remission, she'd
offered him the chance to save his life. An egocentric, arrogant
& selfish man would have jumped at the easy way out. Those
bastards who called him that would have jumped at it. But not
Mulder - He'd been dismayed that she'd even asked him to consider
it. He would do anything to protect her; he'd done so in the
past. He'd done so again here, even if it meant lowering himself
in her estimation of him.
She raised her eyes back to his. "The only thing I believed
for certain was that something was wrong between us." She reached
over and tightened her fingers on his good hand a moment before
releasing them. "I guess...I guess I just had hope in a different
truth than the one my eyes were seeing. I just didn't believe
what I saw." She smiled a little and tilted her head thinking a
bit of humor might remove that sad look in his eyes. "I'd
certainly think you'd be used to *that* by now, Mulder."
But he moved his gaze away to some unseen spot on the floor and
looked as disconsolate as she'd ever seen him, tired and
discouraged. "What is it?" she asked softly. "Tell me."
"God, what if I fail?" he almost whispered finally. "What if I
can't pull this off?"
"We're not going to fail."
He looked up at her strong words, which were spoken softly but
with such conviction. Scully's conviction, he thought with
wonder. Mulder felt oddly emotional relief wash over him but he
also felt a sadness. She believed him, but God now she was in
just as deep as he was and if he screwed this up it wasn't just
him anymore. As he looked at her beautiful and familiar
countenance, her expression was so very different from just
yesterday when he'd looked in her eyes and seen only questions and
wariness. When he'd felt as alone as he ever had in the world.
Now it was back to "we." Thank God.
He closed his eyes a moment as her resolute faith always made
him humble even if he couldn't bring himself to believe as she
did. He wished that he could. He shook his head slowly with a
resigned sigh as he looked back at her. "I don't know how you do
it Scully - I don't think I have any hope left in anything. I've
given it all up," he said tiredly.
"No you haven't," she admonished him. "Your whole life is about
hope Mulder."
Mulder just looked at her with a questioning expression. "Oh?"
"Oh sure, you've kicked it in the head and you've covered it up
with your anger & your black humor & your cynicism. But you can't
make it leave you alone. It just keeps following you around."
She smiled with gentle indulgence at him. "But I guess that's a
good thing because people without hope don't survive. Once they
give up, first the soul dies and then the body follows one way or
another." Scully leaned towards him a little, her lips near to
his ear as though sharing a secret. "And your soul is most
definitely still alive, Mulder" she whispered with quiet
assurance, as though stating an obvious fact like the Sun would
rise in the East.
Both her words and her nearness shook him as he looked into her
eyes. Even after all their years together, Scully still just
surprised the hell out him sometimes with her intuition. It was
like the time that she'd guessed why he'd given her the seemingly
dumb birthday gift of the Apollo key chain. She'd understood his
heart's intent so clearly that he'd had to cover up his emotion
with a smart-ass response. Now she'd just done the same thing
again and, feeling as unnerved as before, custom almost demanded
that he respond in the same way.
"Wow, Scully - when did you become such a philosopher?" he
asked lightly, hoping to hide how deeply affected he was, both
physically and emotionally, by her strong pull when she was so
close to him as she was now. He wondered if it was even really
necessary for him to try to hide it anymore. Who the hell did he
think he was fooling? Certainly not her. And he's long ago
stopped lying to himself about his feelings.
Scully felt him shiver slightly. Yes, it could have been the
ice pack, but she really knew that her proximity made him suddenly
nervous. Something deep in her woman's heart liked that. "It
happened when I walked into that basement five years ago," she
said, answering his already forgotten question. Suddenly she gave
a small nervous laugh of her own as some of Mulder's physical
intensity worked its way back to her even as his eyes drew her in.
She sat back. "It wasn't in my nature to question such things
before then. Now it seems that now all I do is question such
things." Breaking contact with his gaze, she looked down and
lifted the ice pack from his hand and gazed down at his open palm.
"God Mulder, this should have been iced and looked at hours ago."
"Well I wasn't exactly somewhere I could demand room service,
Scully," he said with some irony. "They weren't of a mind to be
accommodating." She looked up at him quickly and then away but
not before he saw that her eyes full of concern again at this
dangerous game he was assigned to. He wished he could put her
mind at ease about this whole matter, but anything he said to make
it seem less would be a lie and he was done with that. So, he
said nothing.
God, she hated this. She hated feeling passive while playing a
waiting game and this assignment was making her crazy. Putting
their lives on the line was nothing new for either one of them,
but in spite of her brave words, Scully had a deep foreboding
about this duty. She was supposed to be the rational one in this
relationship. This partnership. But even after five years
together, she still felt as though she had to prove herself. To
only let him see her as strong and ruled by logic and not by
women's intuition.
Only she wasn't feeling either strong or logical right now and
her intuition told her that there was a danger here just beyond
what she could grasp on to.
Those bastards had hurt Mulder and that made her outrageously
angry. She knew that they'd kill him without a second thought the
moment they thought his usefulness to them was over. But the
bitter reality was that *both* sides in this dark contest viewed
Mulder as expendable. It was clear that U.S. Attorney Leamus, the
weasel running this show, didn't give a rat's ass about her
partner as long as he got the information he wanted. No one gave
a shit about Mulder except her and she could do little to protect
him now.
Mulder had almost always treated her as an equal, more so than
anyone she'd ever worked with. His male instinct to protect still
bubbled up but it was just as true that she had to own up to more
than a few nurturing & maternal instincts towards him. She
supposed it would always be so between men & women, no matter how
equal they were, no matter how capable, they wanted to take care
of each other. And more often than not, she watched over him just
as he watched over her.
However, this whole assignment was spinning out of their
grasp. Both of them were being used and it made her feel
apprehensive and out of control. No, she wasn't feeling in the
least strong or logical right at this moment. Sighing slightly in
frustration, Scully gently turned his cradled hand over, so that
now his large palm rested a top her smaller supporting one and
applied the ice pack to the backside for a bit. She felt his
thumb curl around her and stroke gently.
"How's the pain?" she asked softly.
"I'm fine."
Familiar words. Scully looked up into his eyes, and arched one
brow slightly. "Liar."
Mulder gave a small smile, but didn't contradict her. "Now did
I ever say that to you Scully?" he said in mock- wounded tone.
"No you didn't - but you probably should have." She took his
other hand and placed it over the ice bag. "Hold this in place a
moment." She got up and headed towards his bathroom, stopping
only to shed her long coat as Mulder watched her go. He closed
his eyes and the thought crossed his mind that there were many
things he probably should have said but hadn't.
Having put some needed distance between them momentarily,
Scully dug through Mulder's medicine cabinet - a veritable
drugstore of medications from his various encounters with
emergency rooms over the last year. Most of which she could never
get him to take. He was extremely reluctant to take anything that
made him feel even slightly out of control. Of course, after the
Ronnie Stickland vampire incident down in Texas a couple of months
ago, she had a better understanding of just why he'd developed
that aversion over the years.
She selected an over-the-counter painkiller that she knew she
could badger him into taking. In the cabinet under the sink she
found the large professional first-aid kit she'd given him three
years ago now. It'd been something of a joke at the time but in
the ensuing years, between the two of them, they'd slowly utilized
virtually everything in it. Digging though, she found a bit of
tape and something she could use for splints. She brought her
bounty back into the living room and sat across from Mulder again
on the coffee table. She scooted forward and brought his injured
hand back onto her lap as she dropped two pills in his other hand.
Mulder peered at them suspiciously in the dark. "What are
they? I don't want anything that's going to knock me out."
"It's just Ibuprofen - take them." She looked up and grinned
slightly as she tore off some tape strips for the splint. "I
promise - no Chloral Hydrate. I'm not up to another rendition of
'Shaft' tonight."
Mulder shot her an exasperated look. "I did NOT," he insisted
again in the same vehement tone that he'd used the last time he
denied that story as he downed the pills without water. Suddenly
he leaned forward slightly with that rare charming grin he did so
well. "Besides, I seem to remember a rendition of 'Jeremiah Was A
Bullfrog' springing from your lips - Completely unaided by drugs I
might add."
"You asked me to sing, Mulder. I was only trying to please
you."
"Jesus, Scully, if I'd known you were going to do whatever I
asked that night, trust me - I could have come up with something
better."
Yeah, I bet you could have, Scully thought dropping her gaze
and letting yet another Mulder innuendo slide by as she usually
did. She removed the ice pack and lightly dried the skin with a
towel. She gently felt all the length of his hand and fingers.
"Jesus, they did a number on you." She looked up at him
apologetically. "I'm going to align the bone back before I splint
it. It's going to hurt some more."
Mulder shrugged slightly. "You're the Doctor."
"Well, actually Mulder, I haven't really set a bone since
medical school - there's not a whole lot of call for it in my
current line of work, you know?"
"Oh, that's confidence inspiring." Mulder gave a small laugh
finally then nodded his OK. "What the hell, go for it FBI woman."
Scully bent over his hand and carefully nudged the small bones
back into place as Mulder silently gritted his teeth and she
talked her way though it to distract him. "I want you to go and
get this x-rayed as soon as you can and a real splint applied,"
she said as she worked the splints into place and began taping.
"You can tell them you slammed your hand in the car door or
something. Don't argue with me, just do what I say for once in
your life."
"Yes, Mom," he drawled indolently back at her as she finished
with the last of the tape and surveyed her handiwork.
As she looked at the back of Mulder's hand where she held it on
her lap, she thought again how fragile the human body really was,
how it was so easily broken or destroyed. She ran her fingers
gently over the back of his hand, feeling the bones, tendons &
muscles. So fragile and connected together so tenuously, just
like life, just like people. As she touched his skin, she
wondered at how dozens of small connecting bones turned a man's
hand & touch into something that could cause deep pleasure &
comfort or pain & death, depending on the man.
God, she wanted this man's touch. She wanted to know the feel
of him on her skin so badly that she didn't think she could bring
herself to look him in the eyes for fear of his seeing. He always
saw everything. She shook her head slightly rousing herself from
her reverie. God she really must have taken a philosophy pill
somewhere she thought as she tried to put the feelings that
touching him evoked back into their proper box. Although right
now, sitting here in the darkness with him so close, she was not
at all sure she wanted to put the feelings away. "There, all
better," she finally said, her voice catching slightly and she
cleared her throat.
Mulder had been acutely aware of the change in the atmosphere
again. "You forgot to kiss it," he said as he tried to lighten
the thickness in the air by falling back on the safety of old
habits.
But he honestly hadn't anticipated her next action. He
watched, momentarily bewildered, as for the first time Scully took
him up on one of his suggested innuendoes. Turning his hand over,
she placed a lingering moist kiss in the center of his palm that
actually caused him to catch his breath. His un-bandaged fingers
curled involuntarily to graze her face in response as he felt just
the tip of her tongue touch the sensitive skin. She then turned
her face slightly to one side, as she pressed his palm to her
cheek.
Scully heard his soft intake of breath and felt his caress on
her skin. He was clearly shaken by her gesture and she finally
raised her eyes to meet his gaze. In the darkness, Mulder's
handsome face had changed; gone was the smart-ass grin and
bantering posture. In their place was a strange combination of
confusion & comprehension. And a deep longing that matched hers.
His lips parted slightly as he searched her eyes and saw the truth
she'd hidden so well for so long. As long as he had. "All better
now?" she asked.
"Scully-"
"Shhhh, Mulder," she said as she moved forward and softly
kissed him into silence, touching his face and feeling him respond
without hesitation to her caress, his lips warm & gentle at first.
It felt so good, just like coming home. She broke the kiss just
long enough to look him in the eyes, wanting to see his need.
Mulder locked his gaze with hers as he slid his hand into her
hair and brought her lips back to his, returning her kiss hungrily
as he felt the jolt of his blood racing deep in his gut, his groin
& his head. God, it felt like everything that he'd ever imagined,
like everything that he'd hoped for. His arms moved around her
back and brought her close as she moved into his embrace as he lay
back into the couch, pulling Scully down with him. His fingers
stroked through the red strands of her hair as he pressed into
heat of their kiss. He felt Scully's tongue slide into his open
mouth to caress him. He softly groaned in released pleasure and
spoke her name softly in between deep kisses.
Then suddenly she was gone. Mulder opened his eyes as Scully
pulled out of his arms and rose to her feet. She stood by the
couch looking down at him, pushing her tousled hair out of her
eyes and breathing deep. For long moment, he just stared up at
her as he tried to form a cohesive sentence. Something - anything
- to fill the heavy silence, to keep her from leaving, something
to persuade her to stay.
However, her actions weren't prompted by second thoughts
apparently. "We need more room, Mulder," she said as she smiled.
Mulder nodded in agreement as she reached down and took his right
hand, drawing him up and off the couch. As he stood before her,
looking down into her eyes, he saw how much she wanted him, wanted
this between them. He touched her face and kissed her again just
because he could, because there was nothing to stop him. He had
no reason for any restraints; he could show her how he felt.
As Scully felt Mulder's tongue stroke against her lips, she
couldn't wait for the rest. She took his hands, and led him
around his couch to the bedroom. Just inside his bedroom door,
she suddenly turned back into his arms, reaching up as he pulled
her against him and rocked her gently as he touched his lips along
the curve of her neck.
Mulder started to work on the buttons of her suit but found it
awkward with his bandaged hand. He looked down into Scully's eyes
for help and a sound of frustration. She smiled in amusement as
she opened the buttons herself. Slowly. Teasing him. Mulder
slid the jacket off her shoulders and tossed it on the chair
behind him. Scully languidly removed the rest of her clothes for
him as he watched her every move with hungry eyes. She moved
slowly, exquisitely torturing him because she knew she could. As
she discarded the last layer of clothes, she now stood before him
in bra & panties, looking much as she had on that rainy night in
Oregon so many years ago. Only instead of fear, Mulder saw only
craving and arousal in her eyes. For him. God. For him. Since
that heady knowledge was almost bringing him to his knees anyway,
Mulder decided it was time for some equal torment for her.
As Scully started to unclasp her bra, he reached out and caught
her hands in his, pulling them away gently as he leaned against
her, backing her up and trapping her between the hard wall and his
hard body as he filled her mouth with his tongue, stroking &
caressing. Stroking and rubbing his still clothed body against
hers. Releasing her hands he managed to undo the single clasp of
her bra and slide it off as he bent down to kiss the rounded
softness of her breasts, feeling her press up to meet his touch.
"Yes," she murmured as he opened his mouth against her nipple to
suckle it. He rolled his tongue over the hardness of it and
nipped at it gently before moving back to her lips as he continued
to languidly and rhythmically thrust his hips against hers,
simulating the dance that was coming a bit later.
Mulder slowly sank to his knees as he worked his way down her
body, tongue stroking his way across her belly, nuzzling his face
against the soft skin and leaving a trail of moist kisses as he
worked his way downwards. He felt her breathing become more rapid
at his touch.
Now kneeling before her, he slid his hands up and down the
length of her thighs, stroking them firmly, opening them slightly.
He pulled the panties down & off then passed his hands over the
soft hair, taking in her clean, unique scent before he pressed his
lips and then his tongue deep against her warm center, finding her
clitoris. As he held her hips firmly, he began a steady, circular
rhythm with his firm tongue as he massaged her lower abdomen with
thumbs. Scully made a sharp noise at the first contact and her
fingers slid into his hair.
As Mulder heard her quickened response and felt her arch hard
against him, it was very clear that no one had ever done this in
quite this manner for Scully before and something in his man's
heart liked that. She sagged weakly against the wall, making soft
moans as she now braced one hand on his shoulder and meshed her
fingers into his hair, holding on as he stroked & licked & kissed.
At her soft pleas, Mulder increased the pressure and intensity,
feeding hungrily against her, as he needed to feel her shudder
with pleasure. He wanted to feel & hear it; he wanted to remember
this.
Within moments, Scully came hard & sharply for him, calling out
both his name & God's although Mulder noted with satisfaction that
he got top billing. She almost buckled as the spasms shook her.
Mulder held her gently now and continued to soothe her through the
orgasm, flattening out his tongue and slowing the friction to a
soft affection as she came down from her high. When her breathing
was restored and she relaxed her grip on his hair, he sat back
looked up into her face for the first time, noting her flush and
grinning slightly because he knew it had been good for her. "I
take it you liked that Scully?" he teased quietly.
Scully opened her eyes and pushed her hair out of her eyes as
she gave him the most beautiful, almost shy smile. One that
Mulder would remember all his life. She reached down and drew him
back up into her arms, kissing him deeply and licking her own
juices off his lips hungrily. "That was kind of a first for me
Mulder," she confessed in his ear.
"But not the last," he promised as he nuzzled into that place
where her neck and shoulder met, holding her close, moving against
her slowly this time. Scully felt his erection pressing into her,
reminding her that as shatteringly good as this was, there was
more awaiting them. She also suddenly realized that she was fully
naked and he still had all his clothes on. Something about the
silliness of that made her giggle into his kiss. Hearing the
rather unusual sound coming from her, Mulder drew back and looked
at her quizzically. Good God, Scully giggles. Who would have
ever guessed he thought affectionately. "You're overdressed for
the occasion Mulder," she told him.
"Want to help me with that?"
She nodded and moved to Mulder's perpetually unmade bed and
crawled on top. Turning she beckoned him to come to her. For
just a moment, he was unable to move as he took in the vision of
Scully sitting naked on his bed in the moonlight. Sweet Jesus
what a sight.
Mulder forgot the words he'd conjured up to say which was just
as well because his body had completely taken over control of the
machine. No more thinking & words right now, just feeling, just
touching, just emotion. He came to her, standing next to the bed
as Scully rose up on her knees before him. She reached up and
pulled his jacket off his shoulders, tossing it aside. Grasping a
hold of his black T-shirt, she lifted it up. As he raised his
arms for Scully to pull the shirt over his head, he suddenly felt
a sharp twinge between his shoulder blades from the strained
muscles and he made a soft noise of pain.
"What, Mulder?" Scully asked as she ran her hands slowly up
his chest to his shoulders, almost giddy at getting to touch his
skin finally. She pressed her lips to the hollow over his heart
and felt its quickened rhythm.
"Nothing. Just a pulled muscle." Mulder kissed her to stop
her from worrying, gathering her against him, and feeling her
breasts against the skin his chest for the first time as he
smoothed his hands up & down the length of her back.
He felt Scully's hands slide up his arms as she pulled gently
away from his kiss. She turned him around slowly, sitting him
down on the edge of the bed with his back towards her as he felt
her hands begin to stroke & massage his shoulders. As she worked,
she kissed the skin on the back of his neck, moving her soft lips
down his neck and along his shoulder line. She found and touched
the scar she'd left on his body from years ago, finally placing
the kiss she'd wanted to back then. She moved back and breathed
gently into his ear as she nuzzled her face into his skin and felt
the tremors run through him. Scully pressed her hands over his
shoulder blades and down against his smooth back. Mulder had the
most beautiful back in the world. Sleek and wonderfully defined.
Mulder closed his eyes, drew breath softly through his mouth,
and gave himself up to Scully's restorative touch as the sensual
indulgence pushed one pain away but caused a deeper ache within
him even as she did so. Both the pleasure and the pain felt so
damn good.
After long moments, Scully slipped her arms under his and
around his chest, pulling him back against her as she nuzzled her
face again into the crook of his neck. "All better, now?" she
asked. Mulder's answer was to turn his face to take a kiss from
her, opening his mouth to hers and bringing her inside. He felt
Scully's hand move down his body to cup and stroke against the
hardness of his erection through his clothes massaging him firmly
as he moaned in pure pleasure this time. "Good, because you're
still way overdressed for the occasion," she told him as she went
to work on the snap and zipper of his pants.
That elicited another laugh from him and within moments, shoes,
socks, pants and underwear were in a heap on the floor as he
turned and took Scully back into his arms as he pushed the large
pillows up against the headboard and sat back against them,
pulling her with him. "All better now, Scully?"
She smiled and nodded as she gazed down the length of his body.
So beautiful, she thought remembering how he made her shake with
powerful pleasure just moments ago. God, she wanted him, wanted
him to give her that feeling again. But first she wanted to see
him lose the same control she had, she wanted to see him lose
himself because of her.
She started the journey down his body with a deep kiss, which
she moved to under his jaw as his lifted his head to give her
better access. Her hands led the way to his chest, playing in the
perfect amount of chest hair. She deep massaged his chest,
sucking on first one nipple then the other. God, he was making
wonderful sounds that she really liked as she felt her own heat
rise again. It was all she could do to keep from just begging him
to thrust deep inside her. But she wanted to be good to him too,
just as he'd been so good to her earlier.
By the time Scully had reached the flat plane of his belly
kissing, nuzzling and licking, Mulder was almost writhing and his
breath was labored. As much as her touch burned on his skin, all
of his nerves, blood and feelings had congregated deep in his cock
and balls where she had yet to even visit and he going to fucking
die if she didn't get there soon.
Then suddenly her hands were exactly where he wanted them most,
followed soon by her soft mouth as she took him deep. Mulder
cried out sharply as she began a slow-at-first rhythm that built
with hot intensity, her tongue massaging, her lips gliding, wet
and sucking. Almost, but not quite, as good as being inside her
would feel. Mulder knew that instinctively without even having
had the pleasure yet.
Through pleasured narrowed eyes, he sat back into the pillows
and watched Scully work his body as his rational mind and primal
urges fought a war between holding back to prolong the sensation
and rushing headlong into that void that promised relief from the
sweet pain.
Scully felt Mulder's hand on her back, gently stroking,
following her movements. She could feel the tightening and the
increasing hardness as she brought him closer. Scully knew there
was just a small window of time left before he went all the way
over; when his rational mind was still in control. Before the
need for completion obliterated all other thought.
Suddenly selfish, she didn't want this to be done just yet; she
wanted to finish this with him inside her. She wanted to look
into his face when he came and called out her name. She'd wanted
that for years. She's waited for that for years. She slowly
withdrew her mouth from him, hearing the questioning sound he made
as she did so and she moved back up his body to touch his face.
"Mulder, I need to feel you inside. I need you. Please."
Mulder was momentarily incredulous. Scully was pleading with
him as though he might say no, like he'd be doing her a favor. He
would have laughed but as he gazed at her, he realized that she
was serious. Her obvious longing for him filled him with a
tenderness for her that was overwhelming, backing him away just
slightly from the edge he was on.
He touched her face with gentle affection and kissed her
sweetly. "Jesus Scully, there's no where I'd rather be," he said
with his best goofy-ass smile which was wiped instantly off his
face as Scully kissed him deeply in return as she moved over his
body.
Mulder guided her with his hands on her hips as she brought him
slowly inside and buried her face in the crook of his neck
overwhelmed at the fulfillment of what she'd wanted more than
anything. "Oh Mulder, God - you feel so good," she told him,
savoring the moment and the feeling of him deep and hard within as
she began to move against him.
"I was just going to say that to you," he said back into her
ear. She drew back, her hands in his hair, caressing his face as
she rocked against him, stroking him up deep within her. He
caressed her breasts, running his thumbs over the hard nipples as
he leaned forward to kiss them, covering the nipple with his mouth
and sucking deeply as Scully rocked against him with increasing
haste & intensity.
Oh God. Sensory overload kicked into place and Mulder felt his
control slip away. His head dropped back and he entered that
mindless stage where reaching that edge and falling over with her
was the only thing in the world worth living for and all rational
thought boiled down into short word phrases. Tight. Wet. Good.
So damn Good. Scully. Oh God, Scully.
He felt her hands on his face on either side of his face.
"Mulder look at me," she said as he opened his eyes and looked at
her. She watched as his orgasm shuddered through his body
starting at the place their bodies met and rippling outward and he
had to close his eyes again and turn his head with the intensity
of it. His hands dug into her hips as though he could pull her
inside himself and he had a beautiful sheen on his skin from
sweat. God what a sight. It was exactly what she wanted. He
made deep primal cries that excited her even further as she felt
his warmth flood up into her. Scully watched the whole thing with
deep satisfaction in her heart.
She slowed her movements as he calmed. But he pressed her back
just slightly so he could slip his thumb down to where he was
buried deep inside her, finding her clit and massaging deeply as
he urged her to keep moving against him. He reached up to kiss
her as he increased the pressure of his fingers and within seconds
she felt the sudden tight orgasm slam though her and a blinding
light flashed behind her closed eyes. Mulder covered her cry with
his mouth, pressing her lips to his.
She gripped his arms to steady herself. Mulder felt her
tremble as he raised his hands and smoothed her hair back from her
face, caressing her and then pulling her down against him. Scully
collapsed up against his chest as his arms encircled her and they
stayed that way together a long time as Mulder stroked his hands
up & down the length of her back, holding her against him.
Scully's face was buried in the crook of his neck and after a
moment, he could feel her softly licking the salt off his skin.
It tickled just a bit and he smiled. "Hungry, Scully?"
"No, not anymore," she said as she raised her head to look at
him and they laughed gently together, so completely at ease with
all this that it surprised both of them. Scully moved off from on
top of him and laid down on her back next to Mulder seeking to
relive him of her weight. But he was loathe to let her warmth go
and he scooted back down on the pillows until he lay next to her
turning into her arms as she gathered him to her.
Exhausting and emotional release flooded him as he lay against
her breast, rendering him temporarily wordless, but she seemed not
to mind. His thoughts floated tranquilly and randomly, all of
them revolving around her.
Mulder knew that Scully was so firmly lodged in the narrow
crack in his heart now that he'd never shake her loose - not that
he'd ever wanted to. She'd pushed the fissure a little farther
open each day, seeing more inside than he'd ever let anyone see.
Not once had she turned away from what she saw, not once. Just as
she hadn't turned away tonight when she'd stepped towards him when
she had every reason to step back to protect herself. But she'd
always done that - not just tonight. Tonight they'd finally
shared the physical expression of their larger and more
complicated emotional nexus.
But Scully had always given him what he'd needed most in the
world; relief from his aloneness and she became someone for him to
care for. He'd needed to care for someone so much.
He felt a deep weariness taking control in spite of his efforts
to fight it. He would have to leave soon and he didn't want to
waste their remaining time together. He didn't know what would
come of them tomorrow. "Scully--"
"Shhhh..." Scully shushed him for the second time that
evening. "Rest." Mulder decided to as she asked and curled even
more tightly against her.
She gazed at Mulder nestled against her as she held him. She
looked down her body to where his left hand was splayed across her
belly and she watched the gentle rise and fall of his hand with
each breath she took. His long legs were tangled with hers and
everywhere his skin touched hers was warm.
She moved her eyes back to his peaceful face. His beautiful
but so often-sad eyes were now closed and she felt his warm breath
from his softly parted lips caress her skin in the soft rhythm of
very early sleep. He felt safe and well loved; she knew that
because it was just how she felt.
She wanted to keep this picture in her mind forever; it might
be the only one she would ever have. Oh God, don't think about
that. Not right now. She'd start crying if she allowed herself
to dwell on that and Mulder would hear her and wake up. That
wasn't the memory she wanted him to have, it wasn't what she
wanted either. She just wanted this moment of blissful peace
almost as badly as she had wanted his body earlier.
She looked down again and dropped a gentle kiss on top of
Mulder's hair as she gave a small affectionate smile. She'd never
been able to kiss the top of Mulder's head before tonight. God,
such a stupid simple thing and yet another first.
Not the last, he'd said earlier. Please let that be true.
Please. They deserved more time even though they'd wasted so
much. Just give us a little more, she bargained. It won't be
wasted. I promise. She couldn't help but wonder how differently
they would look to each other in the bright light of day. The
foreboding that had followed her for days struck her in the face.
If there was another day. Scully shook her head and concentrated
on the present and the man in her arms.
She had to go. She'd let all her control slip away tonight
just as he had. If she stayed, she wasn't sure if she could watch
him walk out that door later without turning into a mess. Their
strength had always been asking more and not less of each other.
They could each do what they must if they didn't have to say
goodbye face to face.
Moving with complete stealth, she lifted Mulder's hand from her
body and slid out of his embrace, quite possibly the hardest thing
she'd ever done. Mulder rolled more fully onto his stomach as his
hand sought what was missing a moment before becoming still on the
sheets.
Scully knelt by the bed and looked her fill. Then she kissed
his lips softly as he slept and his hand again reached out for
her. She placed her hand over his and he went still again.
Suddenly she had to say the words even if he couldn't hear them in
his conscious mind. She leaned over him, placing her lips by his
ear. "I love you, Mulder" she told him so softly that it only
sounded like a gentle sigh, a warm breath on his skin.
Turning quickly, she picked up her clothes and took them in the
living room where she dressed quickly. She managed to get out the
door, out of the building and into her car before she lost the
last vestige of her control. Scully broke and cried hot deep
emotional tears in the dark. She cried aloud about the unfairness
of having come so far together to possibly lose it all. She cried
about wasted time. She cried all wracking sobs she hadn't wanted
Mulder to see. God what would she do. It was a long time before
she finally calmed down as sheer exhaustion overtook her.
Completely drained, she started the car and drove off.
In the darkness, Scully never saw the man sitting in the car
down the block who watched and listened.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Thursday April 30th
3 p.m.
New Spartan's Compound

God, the whole situation had veered wildly out of his control,
Mulder realized.
Not that it had ever been really in his hands in the first
place. It would be hard to imagine the circumstances getting any
worse and yet, incredibly, they had as Mulder stood watching the
cash that August Bremer had just dumped onto the fire go up in
flames. The cash they'd just stolen. The cash Bremer just killed
a bank clerk for.
Within 5 seconds, it all became clear why and Mulder looked
around, desperate to find a way to get out, get to a phone, and
get a warning to someone. To Scully. He had to warn Scully about
the money.
It was then that Bremer pulled a gun on him, telling the group
he had proof of his duplicity. Mulder watched in horror as he
pulled out a small tape player. A moment later he heard the
beginnings of his conversation with Scully from the night before.
He closed his eyes just briefly against the sound that sealed his
fate. No one knew where he was; no one was coming to save him. He
was a dead man.
He suddenly realized that this was the last time he would ever
hear Scully's voice.
Mercifully, Bremer turned off the tape within moments and for
one brief second he looked Mulder straight in the eyes before he
moved his gaze away, his eyes dark. Mulder was taken over next to
the lake where he kneeled in the dirt, waiting with Jacob Haley to
die. He waited a long time to die. He couldn't believe how fast
his mind was racing, faster than his heart even. Considering &
discarding dozens of plans, dozens of words, trying to find
something, anything that would save his life. He heard cars
coming & going, he heard whispers & shouts. Then suddenly Bremer
and the skinhead approached and Haley was set free.
They would only kill one today it seemed.
Mulder was hauled to his feet and they walked him across the
abandoned fields. Mulder's mind continued to race out of control.
He noticed everything, the sound of their footsteps and his own
breathing & heartbeat. The warm sun on his face and the slight
cool breeze. The bright blue of the sky. Blue like Scully's
eyes.
When they'd reached the furthest part of the compound, he was
ordered to kneel again. Mulder had never really thought about it
before but now he knew why execution shots were to the back of the
head. It was so the shooter didn't have to look you in the eyes.
Instead of kneeling, Mulder turned and looked at Bremer. He
stared at the older man defiantly. Mulder knew he would die now -
there was no more time for him. But he wasn't going to make this
an easy killing for Bremer. He wasn't going to cower or beg so
that Bremer could congratulate himself with smug contempt for
murdering a cowardly traitor.
Mulder looked at Bremer until he finally raised his eyes to
meet Mulder's hard gaze. Mulder expected no compassion and
didn't see any. But now that he'd won that last contest of wills,
Mulder turned and sank to his knees. As fast as his mind had
raced earlier it seemed to be moving even more quickly as he tried
to resolve all his unresolved thought.
He'd failed.
Oh God, Scully, he'd failed, just as he feared he might. They
would kill him now. They'd kill him and no one would ever know
until it was too late that the bio-toxin was on the money. Jesus
God, Scully. She might die. She might die. Oh God, oh God. No
wait, that was wrong. Scully would know. He knew better than to
underestimate her. He was being stupid. If she hadn't already
figured out, she'd realize soon why they hadn't taken all the
money in the robbery. Scully would make the connection. Of
course she would. He knew she would. She would save the moment
by using that astounding mind of hers. She would know why the
robbers had left most of the money behind. She would finish this
for him.
And he would die alone in this field.
Please God, let them dump his body somewhere where it would be
found. He didn't want Scully to go through the rest of her life
wondering the where & the how. She loved him - he'd heard her say
it. And because she loved him, not knowing the truth of his death
would eat at her. He knew better than most how not knowing the
truth could darkly color everything you saw or thought or did or
said.
Or didn't say. Shit. Three fucking words and he hadn't said
them. Coward. He'd known the truth along. Since the beginning,
he'd known and he still hadn't said them. Goddamn fucking coward.
Mulder heard the click of the automatic behind him and his
breath stopped.
He closed his eyes and repeated the three words of truth &
benediction over in his mind as he heard the shot ring out. His
body jerked violently at the noise.
When he opened his eyes, he saw body of the skinhead laying in
the dirt beside him.
He gasped desperately for air and looked up into the face of
August Bremer. He met the eyes of a man who'd coldly killed
dozens without a second thought or a shred of remorse. An inside
operative in so deep that the man was no longer distinguishable
from those he spied on. A man who'd become what he'd beheld.
The man who was letting him go. Giving him back his life.
Mulder didn't have the time to wonder about motivations. He
crossed the field and just over a small rise, a car was sitting,
just as Bremer had said it would be. He recognized it as one of
the cars that had been parked in the compound just a while ago -
Bremer had obviously had someone drop it there while they'd walked
across the field. They'd probably thought that Bremer was going
to use it.
Mulder opened the door and slid into the driver's seat. He
leaned forward and rested his forehead on the steering wheel a
moment, gripping it tightly, still breathing deep & trying to calm
his racing heart. God, he didn't have time to fall apart. He
didn't have time for this, he had to get to the bank in
Harrisburg, and he had to get to a phone. He had to get to
Scully. The keys sat in the ignition, waiting for him. He turned
it with badly shaking hand and the engine sprang into life.
"Thank you," Mulder said aloud, unsure of whether he was
thanking God, fate, or even Bremer for his life. For his second
chance. He gripped the wheel and shifted the car into reverse,
looking over his shoulder as he backed the car out onto the dirt
road.
It was then that he noticed it. Lying on the passenger's seat
was the small tape recorder with the micro tape still inside. The
one of him & Scully. Mulder suddenly, desperately needed to hear
her voice. As he drove, Mulder reached over and pressed the play
button. For long minutes, he listened to their soft conversation
in his living room. Then he heard the sounds of their first kiss
and the more muffled noises of Scully making love to him. There
was a long silence and then he heard the sound of a door closing.
He heard quick footsteps on the street and recognized them
instantly as Scully's. He knew the rhythm of her walk as well as
he knew her face, he'd heard it coming down the hallway into his
office & his life nearly every day for five years. A car door
opened and closed. It was then he heard the sound he hadn't
expected; the sound of Scully crying. Deep hard wracking tears
for the two of them. God, it was heartbreaking to listen to as
the emotion flooded him and his own eyes filled.
Mulder popped the tape out and stared at it a moment before
slipping it into his jacket pocket. He wondered at what small
humanity might have still lurked in the darkest corner of a
madman's mind as he'd heard a woman's tears on that tape.
Bremer had given him back to Scully.
He'd never know all the reasons why and right now, he even
didn't have time to ponder such things. He had a job to finish;
he had to get to the nearest phone. He had to find Scully because
the danger wasn't at an end. There was no time right now.
But soon they would have the time. After they finished this
and it was all over but the shouting, he and Scully would have
time again. They would have a moment to look at each other again
in the bright light; time to look at their truth. It would be
their moment to decide if they were up to risking everything to
honor that truth.
Mulder had a feeling that after today, they would be.

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The feedback plea - Yes! I've learned so much from feedback on
my other stories so please, anything you want to tell me or
discuss about the story, please feel free to contact me. You'll
get a reply and I might get to be a better writer! Thanks!
Cathleen / Kimerikal@aol.com
http://chateauke.simplenet.com/chimerical/index.htm
08/02/98