I wonder sometimes
if I will ever truly get over my childhood, I mean, I am a mother and a
productive member of society, I don't spend every waking moment in a "shrinks"
office anymore, I don't freak out when I see abuse stories on the news
I get outraged actually, but what I am trying to say is.... even all these
years later I can recall with great clarity my childhood yet, sometimes
it is hard for me to recall what I had for dinner just hours earlier.
Will the dreams ever stop? Will I ever be able to know for sure that I
am not gonna be driving down the street and not have a "Flashback" and
feel as if I will never remember all that went on during my childhood,
there is still so much that I have locked up and haven't yet remembered.
I am told that when I am ready when I can better handle everything my body
will allow me to remember and to feel that pain........ it is a long, slow,
painful process but the end results make it all worth while. Ok I guess
now on with the rest of my story, I am having a "off" day today and i just
wanted to capture my thoughts before I went any further. Thnx for listening........
During all
the time that I lived with my mother, I was bounced around from family
member to family member whoever had enough money to "buy" me for a little
while, if they didn't have the money then on to the next family member
who did have it at that point in time.. Thank God for my Aunt Cherry Aunt
Margarita and Uncle Nook....... Before my Aunt got custody of us kids they
gave me the few rare happy memories I have as a child I know other Aunts
and Uncles had me but they are the ones I remember as actually showing
me love and kindness. I was always happy to leave grandmas house
I hated it, I hated what always went on there and I hated my Uncle C.J......
See abuse in my family is widespread I don't think there are very many
maybe a handful that abuse hasn't touched "The sins of the father are passed
down for 7 generations" I have been told so I can trace back where this
one was done this way by a parent and they did their children the same
way and their children do the same to their children ... A sick sick horrible
cycle that I am very proud to be putting that tradition to rest in my children
I pray to God that I always have the strength to take a break, a walk,
a breather whatever you wish to call it. As I said I hated my grandmothers
and I guess you can guess why, but to help me (i hope you understand that)
I must talk about this get it out into the open and try to go on with my
life. My Uncle C.J. was a likable
enough
man, I don't know why we came to be around him so much I can only guess
that it was because mom had other things to do or something who knows,
all I know is that I was left alone with him all the time and that is how
my nightmare begins. In a dark, musty basement of my grandmothers house.
My 2 brothers and my 2 cousins, I don't know if he did this with my other
family members I am sure that he did, but I can only say for certain of
what happened to me and who was around for that. So I guess this is the
end of this page, the reason I am breaking it down into so many small pages
is because its easier to load, but mainly in between I get a chance to
take a break and collect my thoughts and offer a prayer up for strength
to go on with this...... It is a scary thought to bear your soul to people
but I feel it is something I must do. It may not work for you but it feels
right for me
some names changed to protect the identity of
family members that I still care about their
opinions.... as for the rest I don't actually
give a damn what they think. sorry but I
don't
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