*~wyrms' Family~*
*My Nick Names*
Wyrm'sBane, wyrms, Morkeleb, Lalaith,
iaurmellon, BigBlueGuy, d. nematoda
*My Cyber Mom*
don't have one cause I'm an orphan :-(
*My Cyber Dad*
see above
*My Cyber Grandma*
don't have one cause I'm too old
*My Cyber Grandad*
see above
*My Cyber Husband*
I don't think so {wink}
*My Cyber Wife*
one in real life is enough
*My Cyber Sister*
what, I have to name them all?
*My Cyber Bro*
see above
*My Cyber Niece*
see above
*My Cyber Nephew*
see above
*My Cyber Pals*
This is a tough one cause I don't want to leave anyone out. Suffice
it to say that for the past 4 years I've been online my life has been
enriched by many wonderful people. And tons of them are from the P*
Night people area.
FRIENDSHIP
{{My daughter is waxing philosophical again. The message is in there though, if you take time ro read it all.}}
How,
How I wish you were here!
We're just two lost souls, swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.
Running over the same old ground
But have we found
The same old fears?
Wish you were here...
~Pink Floyd~
When you don't call, or write, or visit I wonder...a little...but I understand.
Friendships are full of farewells and greetings even as the spirit of friendship is constant when established true. I try to keep this in mind (and heart for that matter) when I don't hear from someone I love for a while: days, weeks, months maybe. and I make apologies for not corresponding with constant and continual regularity to those that I love. Sometimes I miss my turn when playing "Who's turn is it to call?", but it's a game no one ever wins...and who likes to play games without the chance to win?
Sometimes we take sabbaticals from each other, or in actuality we take sabbaticals into ourselves. My best friend and I could talk for 24 hours straight I'm betting but only after we have had a day or two to think, or do our own thing. One of the best things about doing something without a particular friend is updating that friend with all the juicey details (and in my case the big fat exaggerations. I don't lie, I just dress up) afterward: "Guess who I saw yesterday!" or "I've ran into a problem, let me tell you about it..." Therefore it's relatively natural to hope that my friends understand that I don't always want to fill every space between us with sound and color. Perhaps I'm feeling drained and need a recharge. Whenever I on occasion say hi and walk past them instead of joining in on the fun I hope that they don't take offense and I hope that they understand that I do still love them and enjoy their company...just not every waking minute. It still takes me a minute or two to let that "bummer, she doesn't want to hang out with me today" feeling give way to "so, who does want to play today?" or "actually I have a lot of work I should do now".
I hope that they understand how very real and profound their friendships mean to me. That's why I a make such a big deal out of it all. The full value and impact of each friend I have hits me much too hard for me to take them lightly or granted and I've noticed that when I take things for granted God has a tendency to take them away...or somehow I lose them.
Do You Know Who I Am?
A lot of lovers cower. They run away at the first flash of an unglamorous demeanor. They fear not the actions of the other but whether they themselves have the capacity to bear seeing the underside of the other's soul and heart. Fear is based more on internal issues than external threats. This is obvious with how we each treat each other on a casual and daily basis when we greet work colleagues or strangers and make brief eye contact. It takes a strong, courageous person to look into the eyes of another for a long period of time and not pull back fearfully "Do they see anything in there?" "Do I seem too interested?" "What is too interested?". Internal fears make Love seem to be what we are all afraid of because we don't think that we deserve Love for some reason, blame it on upbringing, blame it on society, blame it on whatever surrounds us, for some reason we all have to pass through this trial by fire of accepting that another person really loves us as who we are-beautiful AND ugly. Fine artists create masterpieces by displaying light AND it's relationship with shadow. It takes a strong person to accept another person fully, it takes a strong person to accept his own weakness as well as another's. From friends we receive Love in a more easy to swallow form and don't feel like total geeks when we trip up. Around friends we don't feel like we have to dress up for all the time we share with them, they let us be comfortable in baggy clothes and messy hair and sometimes even bad breath cause we don't feel like we have to kiss them in the morning.
I've learned that connection (soul, heart, mind) is not one instance occurrence, but a collection of occurrences that grow and fluctuate and build up over time to ultimately create a lasting relationship. You can "click" with a person instantly, but the real connection can take days, months, years.
Scene: A friends car. Situation: "hanging out".
"I don't like girls right now!" he said seriously. I considered myself lucky to even be sitting next to him, with me being a girl and all. But since I was his "friend" and he was being nice enough to give me a ride I trusted that he wasn't really pinning his comment about my gender to me personally. At the time I think I rolled my eyes because this was the second remark he had made concerning romance and connection and the first time I had heard it was about 2 months before. This time I told him "I don't think it's so much finding the right person but it all being the right 'time'". It took him a minute to accept my input. This friend has a history of being "in love with love" and it seems has wanted "instant" connection with another. He really wants to be loved but I wondered if he even realized that at that time he was sitting next to someone who loved him very much and already felt a connection, one of many actually. I can't and won't change his mind about how he feels toward me, though sometimes I get inklings and catch him testing me. It doesn't matter much anyway because I love him just because I do, not because he loves me too.
We are so picky with our lovers and mates, looking a certain way, acting a certain way, like certain things. Friends just happen upon us it seems. We afford ourselves one lover at a time for our one body but we make all the friends our hearts can hold, the more the merrier! They seem to come to us without following a script like the people we let seduce us do. The beauty of friendship is that it often transcends the intimacy shared between a couple romantically entwined. This "higher" love is found in friendship because more often than not we choose friends or they happen upon us because we are more open and aren't preening ourselves, while lovers seem to hold us up to expectations and perfection then question their devotion when ever a fault or shortcoming comes up: Me "Wow, he seemed so cool when I met him. I didn't know he could be so obnoxious!" Him: "She was the life of the party when we met, I didn't realize she could be so bitchy!"
One night I calculated an argument I wanted to have with a really good friend of mine, one that I cared a lot about. My opening statement was tearful, intense and of course defensive. This argument was not born from rage, or irritation, or as a rebuttal for any harsh treatment I felt had been inflicted on me but was a stand: "Look at me! Sure, I'm smart, and nice, and pretty, and just weird enough to be interesting but what's to guarantee that I'll still receive your friendship when I feel faded and tired? Will you still love me the times I'm ugly or angry or sick?" I wanted him to understand, still do, like I want all my friends to understand. And in turn I want to try to understand them because "A friend loves at all times". I wanted him to understand because I was beginning to understand that even when he wouldn't call, he'd act like a jerk, that he'd look kind of funny when he'd wake up in the morning or that he would seem to be afraid of my attentions, that I still loved him maybe not the same way all the time but Ioved him, and still do.
"I act and feel so much more different with her than with you." -Chris, ex-boyfriend (It's nice to have just one of those)
A lot of us split ourselves up into pieces and show a different piece to each friend. The friend who has seen the most pieces of us is usually considered to be the "best friend". I have a lot of best friends, and I have a lot of friends who have seen just a part of me, to one friend I show a part of myself that I don't or haven't shown to another friend yet. It seems that when you meet someone they access certain traits of you before other friends do and vice versa. I call these traits "cords" and these "cords" make up the network of energy and spirit that make each of us individual and human. A friend pulls from another friend a certain cord or a few cords at a time to be revealed in shared situations. One of my friends has access to a lot of my artwork and poetry because I feel really comfortable with sharing that part of me to him but he's a new friend and I don't feel entirely comfortable sharing other aspects of myself with him yet. Another good friend of mine is a blast to hang out with, is cuddly and cute, I can talk to him about anything and he's even made me cry, but he's only seen maybe three of my poems, he's never seen me in a rage, and I'm not sure he even knows what my favorite colors are. My best girlfriend hasn't even seen me cry yet...but she knows the most about me and has heard poems, seen pictures, shared clothes even. I have a friend that "saved" me, she is the most faithful and devoted person I know and I love her with all my heart, but it'll be a cold day in Hell before I find myself comfortable enough to use the F-word (cause I do occasionally) in front of her. But sometimes I hold those quirky traits and behaviors I have to myself because I also respect my friends.
Friendship allows us each the time to reveal ourselves in whatever order comes naturally and leaves room for changing as we feel inclined to or move toward.
Who are you? Where have you come from? Mind if I walk with you a while?
Yeah I know...this is all stuff you just might have been heard before. Well if you are perfect then you won't ever need to hear this message again...but you aren't so this message will be reshaped and dressed up and colored and recited over and over and over because deep down we all need to hear all that we can about love and friendship and ourselves, and we might actually enjoy it hearing the message because love feels good.
Okay Friends...if you read this all the way through you get a THUMBS UP! And I appreciate you taking the time to be good listeners.
LOVE
April Lanier