Update: May 23rd
Dear Diary,
Today I got It. I was at Johnny's house and I went to the bathroom
and there was blood all over my underwear. I wanted to jump and
scream with joy because now I am no longer rendered totally lame by
my own DNA. Finally, my DNA is doing something good for me. I feel
at one with my DNA. I want to hug it and scream and jump for joy.
Unfortunately, I was at Johnny's house. I went through the bathroom
cabinet hoping that his mother kept her tampons there. I couldn't find
any, although there was a rocking bottle of valium. I stuck toilet
paper in my underwear and brought the valium out to Johnny. I felt
it was only right to share. We got totally flattened and lay around
in his living room. I got up to put more toilet paper in my
underwear and he said, "What the hell is that?" I had bled through
my distressed jeans and onto the couch. The Johnsons just had it
upholstered in white last week. Oops.
§May 24th
Dear Diary,
I didn't get It after all. I was hemorrhaging. Turns out,
you aren't supposed to stick pinto beans into your vagina while
masturbating.
Hell, now I know. And knowing's half the battle.
§May 25th
Dear Diary,
I have to pay for the couch.
So many lawns, so little time.