July 1st
***warning this is a two-parter and a long one - so grab a coffee and a
cigarette now as there will be no potty breaks later.***
I'm thoroughly hung-over and am sitting here on ICQ with Me-7 while we swap pics of
all sorts of inane things. Good inane, not bad inane. I find myself really enjoying our
talks of late, we don't go too deep as ICQ is *somewhat* limited, but I've been thinking
in many ways we are coming from a very similar space.
Similar in that we have both lived through abusive pasts, and we've both lived with
the pain of rape. I also think we have put that past into a similar space. Lets see if I
can define this more clearly. We are made up of all our past experiences. Family, friends,
loved ones, joy, grief, environment, nature, and nurture... to name a few. All of these
things define who we become. Yet I firmly believe that we can control just how much each
of those things becomes us, or should I say how much we become of each of those things. We
can't prevent it but we can influence it to a large degree by the expectations and
limitations we put upon it.
There comes a point where you decide just how damaged you're going to allow yourself
to feel, and just how much pain you don't feel you deserve. That was my point when I
started this journal. To put as much of my pain, anger, frustration and self-limiting
prophecies behind me. To leave it here between these pages and not be judged by it or
allow it to influence people's overall take on me. To take something in cyber and utilize
it to make me a more functional person in RL.
I feel that Me-7 understands this aspect implicitly. Understands that what I write
about here is just that... its me when I'm "here". Its not me walking down the
street, making love to my b/f, or interacting with the people that I bitch about while I
am here. She knows the feeling of making a conscious decision to either let something
consume her, or consuming it. We've chosen, I believe, to consume it first.
When I restarted this diary in May, I wanted to put a lot of that behind me. I wanted
to alter the feel from victim to survivor (and yeah I REALLY hate the term survivor). I
lost a lot of readers when I stopped talking regularly about my rape and my past. I still
receive mail asking me to talk about it. I continue to be amazed by these requests. Why
not feel good for me that I've been able to put some of it behind me, why try to dredge it
all back up? This may be your entertainment, but its my life. I write what I feel as I
feel it. I'll continue to write about my past, but I'll write about it as it arises. As
the things that are an integral part of who I am affect how I interact with those I love.
That's what I'll write about it, and that's when I'll write about it.
I spent so many years attempting to bury how I felt and lying to myself about what I
felt, that I can't see hanging onto it now that its out in the open. Now that I've talked
openly and honestly about the rape, beating, and neglect I received as a child, I want to
move forward. I only leave the disclaimer about my childhood on the front-page of this
journal as a way of warning fellow incest survivors that what they may find in here may
trigger. I'd like to remove it, but feel that it signifies an "adult" diary and
acts as a warning to people's own comfortability levels with such issues.
Ok, moving forward...
***
Last night we went out to celebrate an early Canada Day, call it Canada
Day eve if you will. :)
We (Greg and I) met up with The Femme Fatale on a local
patio for drinks and food. The day was a scorcher so we were all feeling REALLY thirsty by
this point. Initially her ex-roommate (by about three days) was supposed to be meeting us
(who is also Greg's Ex btw) but had given his regrets, as his overly controlling b/f had
told him he'd be staying home instead. They felt the loss, I didn't.
So we get to drinking and gossipping and having fun. Then suddenly she
says something to Greg in Not-English, and he responds in English "I'm used to it
now". The shitty thing is that I understood what she said and took offense. Yet I
just sorta waited to see if either of them would acknowledge this or not, needless to say
neither of them did.
The night continues and we eventually decide to go out in search of live
music and ditch the patio. Right as we are leaving her ex-roommate shows up and they
instantly start talking in Not-English. The only things I heard him say in English all
night were "Hi James" and "can you pass the ashtray." So Greg and I
are pretty much left to talk to each other. Except that Greg was also involved in their
conversations, their jokes, and their fun. I wasn't. I took offense to this, yet never let
it show. Sometimes I'm such a nice guy... and no I don't feel I'm over-rating myself on
this either. I was VERY tolerant and considerate. I showed far more consideration and
respect than I received.
Eventually (after about 5 bars) we end up at a brewing company / bar and
settle in for several games of darts and WAY too many glasses of Raspberry Ale. I
eventually just focus on the dart game and have thoroughly stopped even attempting to be
part of the conversation. Greg and I have an understanding and I just let him interact
with them, after all he can see me anytime so that doesn't bother me. What does bother me
is feeling like I'm not important enough to warrant an acknowledgement from them. I've
never made a friend's lover feel like they aren't included. Maybe its a social skill I've
learned and they haven't, but its fucking annoying when its you being dismissed.
I've seen the liberties they take with people who are supposedly good
friends of both of their in regards to the luxury they take with their speech, knowing
that the others can't understand. In the past I've lost respect for her, and basically
have none for him over this same issue. So I've basically decided that this week I'm gonna
tell Greg that I'm no longe willing to go out with them and him. If he wants to go out
with them that's fine, but I'm not going to be part of it. I don't want to go out and
spend my time feeling bad. Knowing that they could be talking about me in such a relaxed
manner, confident in the belief that I won't understand them. I don't want to have Greg
occasionally lean over and explain what they are wailing hysterically over, by that point
its not like I can join in the joke or contribute. There's definitely no give and take.
I'm sick of people that take, but don't give.
Tonight... tonight Greg and I were supposed to be going out and doing
something, but a "friend" he hasn't seen since elementary school has phoned him
to let him know he's in town and wants to go out. Yep, he went out with him and about five
other guys. It was presented to me in a way that let me know I wasn't welcome, not that I
would've gone if asked. But yet I wanted to be the one to bow out gracefully. Yep, as
you've guessed it this is the first time I've actually been resentful towards him or any
of his friends.
I worry that when I approach this it will come out all wrong, and I'll
end up looking like some sort of racist prick. That he'll perceive it as me not wanting to
be with his "kind" VS just not wanting to feel the fool all night. I really
wanted to see him tonight to connect, especially after last night and how much was left
unsaid. I think we needed it, apparently he didn't agree.
So I spent my Canada Day by myself, spent some time online, went into
work for two hours, and then rented videos on the way home. I stopped off at his house to
drop off his Walkman, as I knew he'd need it and just gave it to Shandra. Seeing her
triggered how much I'm starting to slowly resent this difference between us. I could tell
she felt it, as she was noticeably nervous talking to me. How the more he tells me about
what she truly thinks about English people, and how her and her friends take the same
liberties in front of those of us that don't speak the language. Guess its just too much
all at once. I'm becoming really resentful and angry. We definitely need to sit down and
discuss this.
WOW, until I started to write that even I didn't realize just how upset it
was making me. Won't say I feel better getting it off my chest, just feel like its more
defined. Now when we talk at least I'll have a specific argument to fall back on, and will
be able to better make my points. Versus just coming across as a prick.
