July 6
I got a call from Greg this morning and he's gonna live. I forgot to mention last night
that we'd gone out and he'd become dizzy and was suffering from severe vertigo. I was
worried as this was the second time this has happened to him in as many weeks. He has
enough things that could kill him as is without having to worry about this on top of it
all. We head home and after an hour he's still having problems and can hardly walk as his
head is swimming so bad. He phones in to work and tells me he's gonna go to the doctor.
And yes, he's one of those guys that won't go to the doctor unless he feels like he's
dying. So all his message said was "its not a brain tumor... I'll live." Umm,
yeah... but just what is it hon? So now I have to wait around to see just what the problem
is. Anyway...
So it looks like Jason and I may be able to salvage this after all. I'm still at a
total loss as what to write to him. He's left it open to me, he's regretful about his
actions, and it's in my court now. We have these reoccurring petty jealousies that spring
up, but this is the worst I've ever seen it. I sometimes do think it would be easier on
him if I just told him to walk away but I'm too selfish. I love him, and I covet his
friendship. I enjoy how he makes me feel, how we interact, and the level of intimacy I
think we've always been able to accomplish... even if its just online. But he knows I love
Greg and he knows its a long-term thing. He knows I can give him nothing, yet I admit at
times I wonder. I wonder if I hadn't gotten back together with him, would I be making
plans to fly to the states to see him. I don't doubt that we will meet, that is if we do
decide to salvage this relationship, its just a matter of time. It would be in a situation
where our paths just finally crossed. Either I was near him and we met halfway, or vice
versa. Oh well, enough of that, I could easily drive myself insane trying to integrate my
feelings for him while staying true to Greg. As it is I wonder if I keep my options open,
or try to at least, in case Greg and I do ever break up. Yet then I wonder if I hold out
on Greg because I do have this intimate friendship. I don't think I do, but I sometimes I
wonder.
I'll be away from Wednesday till Tuesday or later of next week. Just so you've been
told in advance. When I get back I'll regal you with stories of my pinky white body
floating around in the ocean. See I piqued your interest already haven't I? Don't get to
happy for me though... I'm still cutting a tragic figure as this trip is work-related. But
hey, it's work related near the ocean so I'm counting my blessings.
Oh yeah, seems that Daria is definitely going to go back to her boyfriend in LA. *sigh*
I'm glad for her, yet I wonder if its him she's missing or the lifestyle. I think the
lifestyle is what makes the decision easier to make, yet it seems that he is
"attempting" to become a better person, yet I only have her word to go on. His
mother even phoned her to ask her to come back... now that is something that I always find
a bit odd, but hey he's not my b/f so I'm staying out of it. And yes, I'm also a teensy
bit resentful of the fact I'll be stuck with a month's rent that I can't afford at this
point. But I don't know... I find that things work out for the best so I'm sure I'll find
a roomie soon enough, I just don't know if I'll find one that is as laid back, albeit
neurotic, as she is.
There is Greg's newest housepest, but by the time she leaves he'll probably have found
a place by then. Can you imagine... having that gorgeous hunk of stud muffin within
eyesight daily? I'm only human and all... kidding. I know Daria has said that she'll go
down for a visit first, but then if she does I tend to doubt that she'll come back. Well
if she finds that she can live with him that is, so I don't know <clucking tongue>.
I just hate any sort of insecurity, I hate not knowing what's happening in my life.
Other people's lives... now that's a whole other story.
***
I know I sort of talked about this yesterday but I got my yearly
evaluation from the new boss a few days ago... and she LOVES me. I'm just the chips, the
pop, and the whole darn bagged lunch it seems. But it was nice in that all the areas that
the Sow had rated me as lacking in, the new boss marked as exceptional. I was blown away,
and all the specific details that she's noticed during this time was really heartening.
She mentioned all sorts of specific things she noticed in my day to day dealings with
co-workers and clients that dictated a strong work ethic and a professionalism that's
NEVER been acknowledged before. She mentioned stuff about how my name often comes up as a
model staff, and a fine manager. My ability to resolve conflict, work with others, etc. I
was just glowing. So my going in and putting out 12 hour shifts, so that I'm secure
in the knowledge that everything is "ship-shape" prior to my departure over the
next week, is in many ways to prove that her faith in me isn't unwarranted. Or as my
grandma used to say... "pet him and he purrs".
I admit thought that it feels good. To know that my strengths are being
acknowledged, that she has the ability to actually view the dynamics of a situation and
can see that the things in my job that I've always taken pride in are actually more than
just my own beliefs. To realize that the executive director and other people would
actually approach her to commend my performance. :)
***
I got a few decent mails from new readers the other night, but since my
yahoo account is down I can't respond to them. So thanks Greg as usual you made me smile.
:) And Dancing Queen... I'm def keeping my eye on you girlfriend. Oh yeah... Greg, I knew
you were back online when I saw that double IP showing up at both sites. Made me panick
just a smidgen initially as I always do when I see that... but then I realized it was
close to your time to be back online. Knew you'd be having the internet DT's and all.
Outta here...
PS: If anyone wants a gift from the ocean... or a present
of sorts <within reason> all you have to do is send me a mailing addy and make your
request prior to Tuesday night <tomorrow>. Seriously. Well actually you can send the
addy at a later date, but the request must be made right away and if you want a postcard
then the mailing addy is a must, as I don't send postcards once I get home. :)
PPS: If you didn't see the premier episode of
Metajournals yet go here. And, no
I'm not JUST promo'ing them cause I got to participate either. Ummm, but if you care I got
some input in the roundtable discussion on using your journal as a cathartic tool.
I actually think that Tori did a really good job of presenting that article, the
format was very effective and I'd been quite curious as to how she would present it.
Finally I'm outta here. :) Promise.
