June 13 (transcribed)
You know how on occasion you have those days from hell. Well today was mine.
Everywhere I went and everything I did just turned to shit. But at the same time I'm
finding lately that most of it (the shit in my life) just rolls off of me. It seems to be
since restarting my journal that I don't feel as overwhelmed. I'm still overworked and I
still have all the same stresses, yet somehow I'm less stressed overall.
I've noticed lately how the stability, and my general acceptance of it, is directly
influenced by my relationship with Greg. His unflinching support and acceptance are my
constants these days. Despite what else happens I know I can count on him and rely on his
presence.
I know I have a tendency to overstate this, but for me its still new... the emotion of
acceptance that is. I'm not used to not only believing, but actually knowing that someone
will be there for me. People always say it, but few people truly mean it. I say it to
people, but I often don't really mean it.
Doesn't mean I don't want to mean it... but in my heart I know its a lie. A cleverly
disguised lie, but a lie none the less. I could easily fill a room with all the people to
whom I've promised, and who have in turn promised me total acceptance and loyalty. Two of
these people are still in my life... my adoptive mom and Greg.
Some of these people left willingly and some were dragged out of my life kicking and
screaming. Some of them hate me and some of them I hate, yet some still love me and vice
versa. Any combination of the two emotions can and does exist. Usually its not the
combination that either one of us expected as our long term legacy at the time we pledged
to be there for each other. I seldom have a shortage of people willing to tell me they
care. I do have a shortage of people that I actually believe.
Yet I do believe in fairies and aliens... go figure.
