So this is the rebirth of what I've putten to death. I still have some misgivings about
it, but yet I'm gonna continue with it. Not sure that this shade of lilac is the best
thing to be writing in black against, but I really don't give a shit at this point about
how aesthetic the book looks.
Today was, as has been most days lately, shere hell. I'm still so excrutiatingly tired
that I've actually started to get a headache in the half hour it takes me to get from work
to home. I start thinking about home, which in turn makes me think about relaxing, which
leads me to my room, then the computer, and then all the work and projects that I have
piling up come to mind... then the kick-ass headache will rear its ugly head.
I miss Greg. I miss him ALOT. I've hardly seen him this week due to my committments
elsewhere and this weekend will find me off while he's at work, and working when he's off.
Sometimes I really don't know how he tolerates it. He's a much bigger man than I am. I
know if my b/f hadn't seen me in almost a week, I'd be pulling some serious passive
aggressive moves to get his attention. Yet he tolerates it. I must be reaping some
seriously good karma to have landed that one I tell ya.
I've decided that I'm gonna pull out of co-hosting the MASSF. My reasons are personal
and I'm sure Noah will understand. It may hurt his feelings some, but regardless I don't
see any other option at this point. I'm sure he'll understand, as a conversation that we
had when he came back from his month off was the catalyst that made me seriously
re-evaluate my role there. My heart, my head, and my committment just aren't there. I'll
stay part of the ring, and I'll continue to visit the forum.... but my name being listed
as someone that is "involved" wouldn't be appropriate at this point. My reasons
are immensely personal and I feel they lack a physical embodiment, so I'm not even gonna
attempt to verbalize them at this point. Or as we hear so much of... "its not you,
its me."
It's gonna feel kinda bizarre over the next while... visiting and reading the journals
of those that I frequent and yet not writing in my own, at least not publicly that is.
There is usually a fair bit of interplay and addressing by the various members with the
others within the Tabloid Dreams ring and just the general group of us that read each
other's diaries. I know how tedious I used to find that when I first started reading
journals and was new to keeping one. I viewed what I percieved as elitism etc, and still
do mind you, within certain cliches on journallers. Yet I covet that interplay now, well
at least with those that I genuinely feel it with. Maybe its the difference of being on
the inside looking out, instead of the the outside looking in, that makes all the
difference.
Know what else feels strange? That this, my new journal, has yet to take shape and
develop texture. Anyone that used to read my old one knows my style and my way of
interacting. Yet anyone discovering this... this purple "thing" will have no
idea and will have to endure a fair bit till I really start ranting and making my
obnoxious old self known. Give it time baby, and hold out... I guarantee you, its worth
the wait. :)
James
PS: Don't you love my big ol' self indulgent graphic on top? Noah made
that for me. If you like it tell him, if not talk to the hand... the face doesn't give a
lick. <initially it said "fuck" but that sounded crass... so I took it
out>
