*whew*

I wasn't gonna write again till I resolved how I felt about what Dan pulled on me the other day, mainly I wanted to make sure he wasn't dead. I know that sounds horrible but at the same time I needed to make sure. So anyway the question has been answered, it was (as I suspected) just an elaborate ploy to effect change and exert control. I was starting to get worried that he wasn't ok, as I hadn't heard from him since Wednesday night, and since I owed him money I figured he'd be breaking down my door. He did show up though, about an hour ago and has since been paid off and now he's gone.

Told me he was gonna meet with his ex and "have it out", so I just basically told him that he wasn't allowed to tell me about it anymore as I was just so sick and tired of his bullshit. He'll meet up with him and just instigate antagonism and then spend the rest of the week complaining that they had a fight. I really do not understand how this man's brain works. He thrives on turmoil and anger. Its that mentality of "I love you... but I'm willing to make your life a living hell till you come back". I could just scream everytime I have to deal with him. When he leaves, even if the visit wasn't antagonistic, I feel stressed out, tense, and sore. Just his presence makes me shake. Not shake scared but shake angry. I have so much pent up hostility towards this man and I doubt it'll ever go away. People tell me that I should just consider that source and let it go. But its not that easy, when my instinctual behaviors kick in I have little control over how I react emotionally.

After we'd broken up the first time he would continue to touch me, sexually come on to me and just basically invade my space and take liberties that weren't his to take. It would just send me over the edge every single time. It would take me back to being 4 years old and knowing I had no control over what happened to my own body. Despite the fact that I would refuse his advances he'd just continue. I'd explained that everytime he did that stuff and when he didn't desist after my requesting, that it made me feel like I was being raped all over again. He never understood, was sensitive, or altered his behavior despite what I told him. Just typing about it makes me shake and feel sick to my stomach. I'm gonna try to articulate some stuff here but I'm not sure how well I'll do with it... so bear with me.

When I was raped as a kid I remember that initial terror at knowing that something horrible was gonna happen. Then there was the pain and the frustration at not knowing how to make it stop, and knowing that I was indeed powerless. And yeah, the physical pain. Fuck this is hard. After experiencing all those intense emotions in such a short time span (usually a matter of minutes) I would just "shut off" and go numb. I would watch it from different corners of the room or imagine that I was sinking into the mattress, floor, etc and therefore not affected by it. So my mind and body could remain calm and unaffected by what was occurring. That's why its so hard now, I relive specific instances that I never experienced then.

And so when Dan would aggressively come on to me I would usually flip out, then just about throw up, and then just accept it. I know that sounds horrible but it was what I'd learned, it was my instinctual behavior. So basically, despite the fact that we were broken up I  continued to let him have sex with me for over a year.. I say "let him" because I swear that I never participated. I would just lay there and he'd do whatever he wanted and then we'd go about our day. We were still friends at this point. It was the easiest way I knew to deal with it. I wasn't strong enough to get him out of my life (I'd tried many times) and I had never dealt with this sort of behavior as an adult so (as pathetically as it sounds) I never knew how to stop it. And whenever I was removed from him for any length of time I would think about what I'd allowed him to do and how he'd manipulate me and I'd go through all the shame and guilt that I did everytime I was raped as a child. It really fucked me up. I stopped going out, answering my door, and even answering my mail for a time. When I finally was away from him long enough I made the decision to not let him near me anymore and be very defined in my boundaries. Fuck that sounds stupid, since when does "you can't have sex with me without my consent" become a fucking boundary.

But anyway, he's removed enough from my life that his presence isn't huge anymore, but yet everytime he's near me I feel that "fight or flight" response. I don't let him close enough to even brush against me and he doesn't understand how repugnant I find his touch. Basically I let him rape me. I hate myself for that. God I feel gross right now. I've never actually admitted to myself before how I gave him control to do that, its a disgusting feeling. I'd always held out the believe that he just was an opportunist that took advantage of my weaknesses. I gave him permission didn't I? I'm crying right now and I hate it. I never cry, and when I do its just tears rolling down my face. My body doesn't respond nor does my voice crack, a friend said once that it looked positively psychotic. I hope that I don't look psychotic now.

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