Dec 2 4:16am

*sigh* Been wasting time chatting and surfing when I really should have been mailing, linking, and editing. Oh well its my time I'm allowed to be as useless with it as I wanna be. I orientated the new staff tonight, fortunately she's not so bad. Bit on the young side but I can deal with that. I received a whack of new mail, all regarding the journal, seems all my online friends aren't returning my mail as not  one letter came to my ISP account. Guess that's what happens when u date and then dump someone and that person is more established. I watched the Ex online b/f on ICQ for awhile and within five minutes of my going on "visible" he disappeared , its probably stupid that I care. But like I stated before... I cared about him, even it was just an online thing. I had thought we could take the relationship to a new level once I started dating Greg in RL, but guess I was grossly mistaken.

I was actually in pretty good shape when I got home, now I'm tired and should go to bed. But I find that I need this time at the end of the day to purge my mind. Never realized how much better I'd feel once I started this... like my crabbing about Shandra. this morning, as a result I never even thought about her all day. Which I hate to admit is uncommon for me, I have a tendency to perseverate on things that eat at me. But all day shit just rolled off me, and I could feel how its was impacted by my diary. I won't try to articulate it or to elaborate as it is just an abstract sensation and not a concrete emotion. I also realized just how illegible that last entry was. ALMOST went back to edit and tidy it up, but I decided that its a diary not an essay.

  Noticed lots of discussion about what people feel their expectations to the readers of their diaries are, I  admit I tend to disagree with a large percentage of it, for my situation at least. I find that I have no desire to clean up my entries, edit my entries, or be aware that people are reading them. Its like when you think no one is watching and you sing into your pencil while wearing your Walkman... umm, for myself I'm usually nude at this point as well. If  you knew someone was  watching you'd behave different, right? (or you'd at least put your knickers on). Same if anyone ever videotapes me during sex without my knowledge.... I damn well don't wanna find out about it. I write this for me, yeah... I'm a selfish bastard. If others enjoy it to the point they choose to come back then that's a nice plus. I enjoy that others are willing to follow my story and that they allow me access to their pages as well, but regardless it'll still be here. That's why I would never give anyone I know this address or write it under my real name, every entry would be second guessed in regards to whose feelings might I hurt, etc. And to upload nasty stuff knowing that person is gonna see it would strike me as well.... nasty. But that's just my personal style, and I don't really think about when reading the journals of others. Seems we all have such diverse reasons for keeping these pages wide open that nothing applies twice. That's what I love about this medium, there are no rules and no real boundaries except for what we impose on ourselves.

I still have yet to kiss up to my landlord, I'm a bit hesitant because I worry that I'll play him up. When he got transferred to the building he used to sniff around  me a fair bit. Never made me uncomfortable or nothing but he's definitely NOT my type. To retro for my tastes (retro bad NOT retro good). And if I "beg" him to give me a few days to get the rent together I know  he'll flirt with me about "what will u do for me, etc". I just find that whole game pretty tedious, and we both know its just a game but still... I won the first ten rounds so why does it need to continue? And he does have that annoying habit of grazing his crotch, not so subtlely, when we talk.*ACK*

On the way home tonight I saw a guy that I'd had a one-night stand with about a year ago. I met him at a restaurant opening, we'd spent the night together and had amazing sex. I promised to call him, I could tell he was pretty enamored at the time, and no I'm not just reading into it... he was pretty fascinated with me. Told me some silly shit about how he'd seen me around for a few years and had always thought that I was worth knowing (and that he'd been attracted to me). He was pretty amazing, big house, great car, good job, nice looking, and he was amazingly well read (we'd discussed Pamela by Samuel Richardson, so I knew the books weren't just for show). Despite his obvious wealth, etc. he was intrigued that my life had been "simplified" by choice (I get that alot from men with money it seems). At the time  I remember feeling totally connected to him, yet I never gave him a second thought after the third day away from him. Occasionally I hear his name dropped by friends who are trying to sound "connected", and I'm almost tempted to mention it, but I never do. I know he saw me and was making an effort not to let me know that he had. Yet he lingered, and made sure that I saw him. After awhile I saw him drop the facade and just walk away, he looked visibly upset. Yet I felt nothing... sometimes I feel so cold. Its times like this I wonder about the "what-ifs". But yet I seldom have regrets, and if I do they don't seem to last.

As my mom says: "If you think you'll regret it don't do it... and once u do it, should you choose, then its instantly in the past so deal with it." (or some  mildly inebriated version thereof).

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